Sorry, I didn't mean to fall off the face of the planet...

Last week was a little busy, and hard.  So on Tuesday night, I had my talk with the behavioural therapist through the AbleTo programme my insurance is partnered with.  I spoke to her about things about my childhood and my family I haven't told more than a handful of people, and it was very intense.  It's actually a programme with modules for helping depression, but she asked a couple of questions and I guess I opened up. A lot. She called my case complex, but apparently, it was in line with the module to explore some past issues that were causing problems today.

The next day I could not get out of bed. I felt bad. My stomach hurt really bad, and I think that was a result of going up on my Ozempic because the side effects always hit about two days after I take the injection I got it on Monday and took it that night. But I just couldn't drag myself out, and I felt real blah and off.  My friend, who used to work in psychiatric care, said that often you can get a 'therapy hangover', and it's the best description I can find for it. I wound up calling in to work. I've never taken a 'mental health day', but I just couldn't function. I spoke with my boss later and she understood.

On Thursday, I had the five appointments plus errands to do.  The telehealth with my psychiatrist went well because, despite Wednesday's issues, my depression is much better. We have another appointment in three months. I also had my gel injections in my knees, and those went well.  At midday, I had the PT evaluation.  The therapist thinks that part of the issue is benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) is a problem in the inner ear. It is the most common cause of vertigo, which is a false sensation of spinning or movement. It comes from calcium crystals that build up in the inner ear and get into the wrong area of that. It can be treated with a certain manoeuvre that resets where they are so it can be absorbed. This works in most cases. I had a slightly postive test, so he did the exercise for me and set up and appointment to follow up tomorrow at 7:30 am. A greater part may be vestibular-ocular reflex (VOR). It is a reflex that helps stabilise the visual field during head movements. It occurs in response to head movement and leads to the eyes moving in the opposite direction to maintain a steady gaze. That was more positive. He doesn't think they explain the whole problem, though, and I told him I have a neurology appointment on Tuesday for a workup as well. He'll also see me Friday after the neurologist gets a chance to do his thing.

I dragged a friend to that appointment and he read in the car, because then he had a dental appointment I was taking him to and we weren't sure there'd be time for me to come and get him otherwise.  I got out earlier than they expected, so we went on and I read while he had that appointment.  Then we got some Cajun food for an early dinner. At 7 pm I had a call with the behavioural coach from the AbleTo people and that went well.

Friday I went back to work and it was Sabbath.  Saturday was restful. I did a couple of errands and the game notes, and that was about it. I got the notes done by 12:30 pm, which is a record.  Also yesterday evening we went out with friends to Joe Bologna's, an Italian restaurant here. They're celebrating 50 years in business.  They're in a beautiful building with stained glass...it used to be a synagogue years ago.

We were celebrating one friend's birthday and my upcoming one as well. The birthday kids got free desserts. It was really fun, and it was the most social interaction I've done outside of work in a long time.

In the middle of the night, my roommate and I spent two hours talking about various things, a really great conversation.

As a result, I got up a little late, started my chores late.  Our friend we game with called right before she'd normally left. Her son, who lives with her, was exposed to Covid, so they were staying home just to be sure everything was okay. She didn't want to take the chance, and we appreciate it. So I have some more time to finish my chores (I'm taking a longish break right now).

So as you can see, it was pretty busy last week.  Today was also a day I started a weight loss programme that's aimed at improving healthy habits, presented in partnership with my pharmacy benefit with another application-based system.  They sent me a scale and I'm weighing daily. My goal is to lose 20 lbs in 16 weeks.

Okay, I need to get back to my chores. I'll try to write more regularly.  Sorry about that.

Going through this book

With my in-person therapist, and I have discovered from taking the self-assessment questionnaire between chapters one and two, that I apparently have every anxiety disorder known to man. Sigh. This is going to take a while. 

My therapist and I are concentrating on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy treatment for anxiety and frustration tolerance. The AbleTo counsellor and coach are working with the depression module, using CBT and  DBT for things like my emotional relationship with food and identifying activities to help with the depression.  That, along with the increase of my meds and the light therapy, will, I hope, have a profound effect on both depression and anxiety.  The latter ones are already doing a lot for my depression.  But my anxiety feeds my depression and has a greater impact on my life in general, or at least an equal one, so I need to deal with it as well.  Time to move on to the second chapter.

Second day with the lamp

I don't find it annoying bright. Yesterday I had a mild headache; that's apparently normal when you start out. Right now I'm trying to get used it and only doing about 10-15 minutes a day, working my way up over the week to the recommended 30. Now if only I can wake up early enough to use it tomorrow morning. It's not really effective if I do it after I get home; it would just throw my sleep off. So I have to get up early enough to sit with it for a few minutes. We'll see. I'm going to try my best to make it a habit, at least until it gets light in the early hours again.

I got my oil changed at TIre Discounters yesterday, and after buying the larger package that includes two discounted oil changes, a 5% off voucher for service, and they threw in my windshield wipers for free, they tried to raise my window but it's down so far they were afraid to break it.  It is the switch, though, which with the labour would be about $200. I couldn't do that yesterday, but I'm going to try to have my regular mechanic look at it when I'm off for a couple of days in March.  So I went to Autozone and got a $10 kit that puts plastic on the windows and you tighten it with a hair dryer.  I was a little concerned as to how to do that, as I don't have an adapter between car electric sockets and household electric plugs, and our extension cord, if it reaches that far, would have to be plugged into the same circuit as the computer, and I don't want to trip that breaker.  You know how those hair dryers are. Funny, I have one, and I only use it for things like this unless it is 8 degrees or so outside and I've just taken a shower. I do, however, have a power bank I specifically bought so I could use my CPAP in a power loss situation like an ice storm or thunderstorm.  So I think that will work.  Anyway, that's on the agenda.  It's not really securing the car, but at least it will keep the rain out and maybe deter someone from just reaching in and getting my hangtag.

My therapy appointment went well. We're working our way through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, 6th edition.  We went over chapter 1, which is a quick overview of different types of disorders and treatments.  I found out that I have every major type of anxiety disorder except agoraphobia--generalised anxiety, panic, obsessive-compulsive, phobic, social, and post-traumatic stress disorders.  Chapter two will be about the causes of anxiety disorders.  My therapist also sent me a couple of videos, one on what she calls 'monkey chatter' or negative self-talk, and the other on creating a ready toolbox of breathing to deal with symptoms.  I'm going to watch those here in a bit, and try to go through chapter two tonight.

Right now I am caffeinating so I can do my Sunday chores.  We're not playing the Call of Cthulhu game this weekend, although I did go ahead and transcribe the notes last night. We watched the first episode of 'Babylon 5' (we'd seen the hard-to-find pilot movie the other day; it's on Tubi).  I never watched it regularly enough to keep up with the story, but it is really well-written and coherent, particularly as the creator wrote out the whole saga before filming, so there's a lot fo foreshadowing, and certainly, it is not 'make it up as you go along'. Then we watched 'The Orville', the first episode of season 3, in which I cried through the whole thing, as it examines the precursors and aftermath of suicide. It wasn't my depression causing me to cry--I'm feeling a lot better since my meds were upped--but there were other reasons it was timely but upsetting, and I thought the story captured things very well. Plus, I like the character it centred around a lot.

Okay, I'm going to take my medicine and check out the news on the web. Have a great day.

I'm feeling better

I have tried to be proactive and have taken steps to try to deal with and alleviate my depression, and as a result, I am feeling quite a bit better.

My psychiatrist upped my lamotrigine up to 50 mg of each dose (I take two a day). So that's 100 mg in an increased amount of medicine, and I think that has helped the most in the short term.  Let's face it, much of my mood issues are a result of brain chemistry. I see him six weeks from our last visit, so late March, and I've already made that appointment with his office (ours are usually telehealth).

I met with my new therapist last Saturday and really liked her.  She was nearly gleeful when she discovered I prefer cognitive or dialectical behavioural therapy and do well with 'homework'. We're going to actually start on anxiety and frustration coping techniques first because when she put me through the same test I'd taken the week before, it came out more anxiety (which is my usual problem), and it all fuels my depression. I see her again today. She has in-person and telehealth visits, but for now, we're meeting in person, as I think that is more helpful at times with a therapist.  For example, when I told her about the test, the DASS-21, she immediately downloaded it and had me take it.

I tried to meet with the counsellor from Able To, a programme through my insurance, but her phone calls wouldn't come through even though I did not have 'Do Not Disturb' on and they were going straight to voicemail. We managed to connect through voicemails and phone tagging to reschedule for next Tuesday. I think it may have something to do with T-Mobile's scam blocker, which is very useful but might have been over-enthusiastic.  Now that she is in my contacts, I'm thinking it won't be an issue.  But I'm going to check and see if I have to do anything to whitelist her number.

As a result the behaviour coach for Thursday didn't happen either.  I think she rescheduled both, although I'm not sure. It just never happened, no notices, no phone calls.  So hopefully that will happen next Thursday.  I want to try to work on the depression angle with the two insurance counsellors.

I bought a Voraiya UV-free 10,000 Lux therapy lamp and it arrived yesterday.  I used it for 10 minutes this morning, and plan to work up over the next week to 30 minutes a day in the morning, assuming I can get out of bed in time.  And it doesn't have to be 30 minutes all at once. Just now I had it off to the side. It's okay apparently to use my ant-glare prescription glasses so I can type, etc.  I have a slight headache, but that apparently becomes less of a problem as time goes by.  It wasn't as pricey as I thought (I think it was only $35 from Amazon.  There is a slight risk with these lamps as far as years of use for macular degeneration, a disease that robs you of some of your eyesight and is usually found in older people.  Both my mom and grandmother had it. I've never had signs, and I'll double-check with my ophthalmologist, but it is caused by exposure to a form of ultraviolet light, and this is supposed to be UV free. So hopefully that's fine.

So for now, I think taking immediate steps has helped.  I got up this morning, ate a banana, drank a glass of water, took my medicine with it, took my insulin, and now I'm going to go to the store for creamer, make my friend's coffee in the percolator (I do that on Saturday, as he is Jewish and observant), and then take a shower and get ready for my therapy appointment at 11 am.  At 1 pm I have an appointment with Tire Discounters for an oil change [my poor car, I knew it was overdue--I've gone 7,000 miles, but upon looking at the sticker, I realised it hasn't been done not in the last year, but in 2021, at least at Tire Discounters (I may have had my mechanic do it, and I have checked my oil and added as needed regularly), tyre rotation, windshield-wiper change (my driver's side is absolutely shredded), and to see if they can raise my driver's window.  The power window fell when I lowered the other night and is totally in the door.  I could cover it against the rain, but my main issue is that I can't lock the car.  I have an ADA (handicapped) placard for general use and a similar hangtag for parking at the University of Kentucky.  I'm afraid they will be taken, I'll get a citation (which is very pricey), and I'll have to have them replaced.  I don't need it fixed just now (it could be the switch, but it could be the motor and either is somewhat pricey, and I'd rather have my regular mechanic do that); I'm just trying to lock the car at this point by raising the window and keeping it closed.  After that, I'm going to try to get my hair trimmed, as it's starting to curl out of a pixie cut and I have an $8 coupon for a haircut.

Okay, I should get dressed and go get the creamer.  I still have to make the coffee (which takes about a half an hour with the percolator), go get the creamer, try to caffeinate, take a shower, and then do this whirlwind of tasks today.  Have a great weekend.

Hurting too much tonight to really write

Therapy: Excellent.  My therapist had good suggestions and was pleased with my progress.

Dinner at YKWIA's: Very nice,  yummy,  with good companionship.

Pain: Neck and shoulders in spasm,  couldn't get comfortable.  Once home,  slathered on muscle rub,  took Tylenol Arthritis and muscle relaxer.  Listening to music and am stretched out on the bed.

That's a brief update.  Good night!

Did I mention

That I got notice of my final day at my job at Shriners,  barring finding a new job before then?  My last day will be March 31, 2017--right after I reach 20 years there,  and two days before my 50th birthday. Somehow knowing the final date makes things more real--it saddens me and makes a cold pit of fear dwell in my stomach. I'm trying to not be anxious or depressed,  but it's hard,  especially with the other stuff going on right now.

Today I spoke with one of my bosses about the upcoming procedure and small (must remind myself of this) chance of a hysterectomy. She was very encouraging.  I should draw up a plan to complete the shuttering of the library using other personnel chipping in,  just in case.

Tonight I took my friends to the store and A to a meeting, and then came home and laid on a heating pad listening to Pandora on the bedroom Roku box.  I used the time to free up some space on my phone so I could download some updates. Between uninstalling and moving applications to the SD card,  I freed up about 2.5 GB. Yesterday I had a Marshmallow security update,  and it optimised 334 apps. That seems excessive.

Now I'm baking some herb bread.  It should be ready about an hour and a half from now. So, basically it's a quiet night.

Tomorrow I need to pick up some medicine from the pharmacy (on top of everything else yesterday,  I have a yeast infection due to a round of doxycycline for that spider bite). Then there's taking a friend to an appointment.  While he's there I'll try to work on the notes for Sunday's game,  assuming we play (it's Brenda's birthday).  I also plan to work on my closets in the bedroom tomorrow,  as that was my 'homework' from my therapist,  and I see him again on Monday.

Okay,  I'm going to lie down again and listen to music on my phone while the bread machine makes bread.  The heating pad helped,  but my neck is still having issues.  Good night.

I had a good session with my therapist

I'd sent him the pictures I'd shown him before and in the e-mail told him about the upcoming inspection. He pointed out that they weren't inspecting my housekeeping, but rather checking to make sure the windows could be opened, there were no active leaks, changing the filters, that sort of thing. I feel a little better. The plan is still to clean tonight, but I'm not going to kill myself, but rather try to do what I can to make it look habitable and allow them full access to the apartment.

I had thought to rent a Rug Doctor machine, but I'm concerned that the leak may be ongoing. It had pretty much dried, but there was more last night. I'm going to call them tomorrow to check it out. I told my therapist that of course that would mean admitting that I didn't call before. He said to just tell them that I didn't think the leak was ongoing and I had thought I'd taken care of it (which is true).

He wants me to start the actual process of overcoming hoarding by beginning with my bedroom closets. Part of my problem is that I simply do not have the room to put things that should go into closets there, like clothes, because I have a bookshelf in one and a shelving unit full of things like cables and electronic stuff that I haven't used in years, waiting for that time when they 'might be useful', in the other. These need to be gone through and removed to make the closets useful again. He suggested this because he found that people who hoard generally have no place to move the truly useful things to, and then bog down and just rearrange it (as my friend calls it, the tidal method of cleaning).

It's going to be a busy night. Here's my plan of attack:

Begin in the bedroom. Put things that are on the bed in their places. Change the sheets and make the bed (all the bedclothes are on the floor, taking up space). Put all the clothes that are on the floor on the bed and in their hampers. Fold the clean ones; put the others aside for laundry. Put what I can away in drawers and in the small part of the closet that is free. Put the things to go up above in the closet there. Close the closets. Throw away any trash and recycle whatever I can. Neatly place things either in their place or at least temporarily have them out of the way of reaching the window.

Then I need to go back to the dining room. For that, I think it would be best to just dump things into paper boxes to be sorted later, and put them stacked up in the living room near a bookshelf or something. Once I get that free, it means later I can fill the aquarium (although not necessarily tonight).

Next is to finish the little bit of the living room and sweep/mop the linoleum and vacuum the carpet. I think the Rug Doctor would take too much time. If the leak is ongoing, it needs to be fixed first, anyway. I'm still owed a free carpet cleaning for continuing my lease. Maybe I'll just do that, as the cleaner and solution would be about $45 otherwise.

Okay, I know I'm better at planning with good intentions rather than doing. I definitely need to go ahead and start. It's nearly 7 pm now.

Wow, what a crazy, busy day

I worked steadily throughout the day, especially on my referral duties. After work I had my first appointment with the new therapist, who seems very competent and knowledgeable. I showed him pictures of my apartment, and he immediately isolated things like videotapes without a VCR, etc. He is an expert in cognitive behaviour therapy, which is somewhat helpful for hoarding, more than most things. He did say the prognosis was guarded; hoarding is very difficult to treat, mainly because clients drop out of therapy when things get difficult. I really do want to change my coping strategies and try to get a handle on my hoarding. We also discussed my anxiety issues and driving anxiety, and we'll work on that, too.

You know one way to tell when someone has an anxiety disorder? When they take their medicine to work, realise that the one type of pill that's missing is their anti-anxiety medicine, and then get all anxious because they don't have it. That was me this morning, filling up my pill reminder box. So, driving over to the therapist's, while uneventful, really, left me shaking by the time I got there. I know, it's odd. He's the first counselor who's ever really asked me why I have trouble. The truth is, yes, I'm afraid of getting hurt, but when it comes down to it, the problem is that I can play by the rules, such as when I was struck by the car in a crosswalk while walking with the light, and bad things happen, but other people essentially don't follow the rules of the road fully and this makes me incredibly upset and agitated, especially if I feel threatened by them, like if they merge into my lane across three lanes and then slow down to a crawl right in front of me. Or people who intentionally get into lanes that will go away so that they can then bully their way in amongst the people who had the good sense to just get in the right freaking lane in the first place really get under my skin--that sort of thing. Essentially I get anxious and annoyed at people for not following the (my) rules. YKWIA calms me down when he's in the car; A actually makes it worse, because he has some visual issues, and if a car turns suddenly into the lane next to me, he's practically in my lap. Anyway, the counselor, Larry Coy, agreed that I should work on these issues (and hopefully I explained things without sounding like a total lunatic). He definitely thought I could benefit from CBT. We're going to try to get back together in two weeks, after I get out of work. CBT involves homework, often. My homework this time is to get a book, a workbook, actually, aimed at hoarding. He had an older version. It's called Treatment for Hoarding Disorder: Workbook , 2nd ed., by Gail Steketee. it is almost $35, and not particularly thick--both the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook and the dialectical behaviour manual for borderline personality disorder (I have both of those.) He has the first edition; hopefully the new one is somewhat expanded. He's going to get the therapist manual that goes to my edition, which is almost $50. I gather that he doesn't have any other hoards at the moment because he hasn't updated to the new definition or anything.

Wow. I know it's almost 2 am, but I am falling asleep with my computer up on my legs, lying in bed. I had better go on to bed. I spent three hours after the therapist's appointment cooking soup (curried soybean), a main dish (a Basque dish with peppers, onions, and tomatoes in egg), nd a salad with smoked salmon, berries, oranges, and honey mustard dressing--all from scratch. He couldn't really help because he was still having some issues, so he just directed me and I actually cooked almost everything. But I'm very tired as a result. Good nigth.

Another very productive day

This morning I went over to YKWIA's at 7 am (so I got up at 6) and got him up for his appointment this morning. I then took him to the appointment, dropped him off at home, and went to the office. Unfortunately, while I'd been at his house I'd gone through my morning routine--taking my oral meds, checking my blood sugar, taking my Byetta and insulin. That in itself is not bad, but I then totally forgot to eat the peanut butter and crackers I'd brought with me for breakfast. I realised it while I was at his appointment. By the time I got to work, I could tell I'd gone low on my blood sugar; it had been a nice 122 this morning when I'd tested it before I took my meds. Now it was 58. I ate something and started feeling better very quickly. I still can't believe I actually forgot to eat.

After that, I checked my e-mail and then tackled the bound journals. Over the course of the rest of the morning I rearranged and moved four shelving units (twenty-four shelves) of very heavy journals, some as old at 1919. I still need to move some of the Clinical Orthopaedics and Related Research unbound journals that were shelved with the bound ones (the journal changed its format from monthly hardbacks to larger paper journals a few years ago, which really messed with my OCD). Then I need to move the rest of the bound ones (about a eight shelves) over. That will give me some empty shelves between the books and journals to work with.

I looked up when I got to the point where I was too hot to go on without sitting in the front of the fan for a few minutes to find that it was almost lunch time. I had lunch with my normal lunch bunch, and one mentioned that there was a mobile hearing test station out front for the day that was offering free tests to kids and adults who came by. It's called Songs for Sound. Well, I took the test (you pressed a button on a monitor whenever you heard the tone). My right ear is better than my left, but I'm in the category of mild issues, which considering I'm nearly 50 isn't bad. I've never been around really loud noises regularly, and I've never really played my music very loudly, either. In fact, at work, if I'm listening while I do the data entry, I can usually hear the pages overhead still. Basically 30 decibels was normal. The tones I could hear in my left ear started at 45 decibels, and my right was 35. That's not bad, at all.

After that, I did my data entry, the referrals, the charge reconciliation, and responded to some requests for information or sheets. I called an insurance that we just got in-network with that we're getting a lot of patients from to clarify whether they needed a referral to see a specialist, because the summary of benefits said yes, it did, but I'd been told patient by patient that they didn't need one to see us. Thankfully, I found out that this particular plan does not require them for a specialist (we're an orthopaedic clinic and hospital). Yay (and there was much rejoicing). So those won't clutter up my queue anymore.

While I was on the phone with the insurance company, the therapist I've been trying to reach tried to call me. I left a message for him, and he called back, and we were finally able to make an appointment. Also, yay. It's a first step, anyway, to getting better with the anxiety and hoarding issues. It still amazes me that I can keep my desk at work and my car in nearly-pristine condition, but it's like I nest in my house and try to wall the world out with all the stuff. Hopefully he can help me find real solutions so I don't keep up this cycle.

Now I'm home. I was going to stay late at work to make up for this morning, but I'd finished everything I needed to do for the afternoon job, and I wasn't ready to tackle those last shelves yet. I'm on my gas light again. Fortunately, we get paid so tomorrow morning on the way to work I should be able to fill up, and I am going to try to go in a little early and then go get my allergy shot after work, since I missed their late day. Which, drat, I just realised is today, and they just closed this minute. I could have gotten it after all. :( I was a little focused on coming home and using as little gas as possible, though.

I've plugged the computer up in the living room to charge and I'm listening to music from my phone. I left today with the blinds closed, so I've opened them, and the sun is streaming through, though it is low in the sky. It's hard to believe that it'll be autumn soon. Yesterday I put new inserts into my Mary Janes (you blow dry them to heat them up, put them in your shoes, and then walk on them, and they conform to your feet), in preparation for the new season without sandals.

I finally started my period 4-5 days late. I have a gynaecology appointment the last week of this month, so hopefully I'll learn more about whether or not I'm truly in perimenopause or not, but I'm pretty sure I am.

Okay, I think I'm going to do some reading for a little while. I'll probably write later, but if not, good night.

Odd

You wouldn't think I would fine Linkin Park's Meteora to be relaxing music before bedtime, but that's exactly what I'm doing. I couldn't actually sleep to it, but I do find it takes some of the tension out, even cleanses my emotions a bit. Weird.

I have been extremely productive over the past two days, both at work and outside it. Yesterday I moved the better part of 800 books, many of them twice, as I integrated the newer books into my collection, which had become crowded early in the classification scheme (which is odd, as most of what I get are WE, WS, and WY (musculoskeletal, pediatric, and nursing, respectively, in the National Library of Medicine classification system). I evened things out and got everything put in properly, with just a few oversized books to work left at end of day. I also entered a lot of data entry sheets, as Friday had been a large day in clinic for that day of the week and Monday was busy, too.

After work on Monday I took a friend to a 5:45 appointment, then helped him with some things around the house. I also went to the library and picked up an interlibrary loan for him and a book for me. Between all the book moving and all, I was pretty tired yesterday evening when I did get home and I relaxed with some music and went on to bed.

The odd thing was my back didn't hurt at all, even with all the moving and walking I've done. Maybe it's feeling better, and more activity should help.

This morning I moved a bunch of children's books from one cart to the smaller one so that I could take that to the clinic when it's not insanely busy over there (which it was, today). I also packaged up and prepared some book cards and pockets to be sent to other libraries that could use them. I catalogued the last three books of my collection, from the order I made in July (they'd been on backorder). I had just enough labels, pockets, cards, etc. to process them. I had to use laminating sheets cut to fit rather than label protectors. But hey, I got it taken care of. I took the lobby magazines to their p;ace and shelved the new journals in the library. The library itself is looking neat and nice. Tomorrow I'd like to move the bound journals down so I can finally get some old Journal of Bone and Joint Surgery issues in their proper place. That might actually take a couple of days.

I did a lot on referrals today, and did a lot of charge entry sheets and the operating room reconciliation. I also sent a message to the therapist I'm trying to get in to see, since when I call I tend to get the answering service (real people), and I don't want to keep playing phone tag with them in the middle.

After work I went over to YKWIA's and helped him with a few things, watched a play called Dark of the Moon that his grandmother had taken him to as a child that was very interesting, and then I went to the store and got some groceries he needed. Now I'm home, I've taken my nightly meds, gotten ready for bed, and will turn in soon, because I have to get over to his house at 6:30 in the morning in order to make sure he's awake and ready before a 9 am appointment. Then it's back to work and hopefully lots of productivity again.

I've been feeling well the last couple days, and a little less anxious, despite the fact that this morning two cars nearly collided in front of me, and the first thing I did upon getting to the office was to accidentally dump out my meds from their reminder box, and I had to figure out which bin was missing which tablet. :) But my mood stayed steady.

Maybe the hormonal stuff has passed for the month, although I haven't started my period yet and I'm three to four days overdue. Ah, perimenopause.

Okay, the album has ended. I should head on to bed. It's early, but morning comes very early. Good night.

Oh, and

I called and left a message with the therapist's answering service today.  Hopefully I'll hear something Monday and will be able to make an appointment.  :)

I had a very early appointment

with my therapist in which I got to report on my success in driving to Louisville and back despite a mild anxiety attack before I left. :) Also, the class is going well and that's a boost to my self-esteem as well. I told her about my mom's health and how I'm afraid, given my own issues, that I'll be in similar straits by the time I'm her age (if I make it that far). So we discussed things I could do in terms of setting healthy goals and keeping them.

I didn't feel well today at work, primarily due to issues around my period, but finally stopped cramping and was able to be productive. I went over to the library and checked out the book UnDiet by Meghan Telpner. Then I went home, had a quick bite to eat (some hummus and a garden burger), and then went over to a friend's house to help with a monthly project. Then we watched some more of 'Grace and Frankie' and also 'Danger Mouse' (which I loved when I was younger, and it's good to see it on Netflix). I did a couple of errands on the way home, and now I'm here, and it's almost 11 pm, and I think I should probably get ready for bed, as I have one of my early days tomorrow and have to be at work at 7:30 am. But I wanted to touch base. Good night.

I've been pretty busy the last few days, hence the barest of blogging

Sorry about that. Here's a synopsis of my week:

1. Monday--I went to my new therapist's office and was told that the psychiatrist's office (up a floor, but the same practice) had apparently not finalised my appointment, and the therapist wasn't in until later that day. Made an appointment for 4 pm, came back then, and then they realised the office upstairs had not sent any paperwork down, so she had to interview me without benefit of the doctor's notes. She went ahead and tested me for ADHD (I have been diagnosed with that before, and was on medicine for awhile, but those medical records were shredded the last time I came to this practice...it's not looking good in terms of efficiency, is it? But the doctor and psychologist seem to know their stuff and both asked very good questions. I've set up two appointments for May and am on standby on the cancellation list for late April--they have a couple of other women going on maternity leave and so she is taking on a bigger caseload and it is difficult to get in until May.
2. Tuesday--I had my allergies re-tested for the first time in about fifteen years. I still have the marks on my arm and back from where I reacted, and the marker even stayed on for about two days. I came out pretty much the same as before, except I didn't react to horses this time. They didn't test for food allergies. I'd been told I was allergic to wheat, eggs, and milk back in the day, but she said that if I didn't have any trouble eating them then I wasn't really allergic. She prescribed a different antihistamine for me, since the Claritin wasn't covering all of my symptoms, and she gave me a sample of an eye drop I can put in five minutes before my contacts that will help with the eye issues from my allergies. And, I am now the proud owner of an Epi-Pen, not because I have severe enough allergies for the things I reacted to, but rather because I'm going to start allergy shots again in about two weeks and they want me to keep one with me on shot days, as well as hanging out for about half an hour at their office after each shot. Last time I took them, I had no Epi-Pen, and after the first shot, I was able to have our employee health nurse give them to me, so they just sent me my vials as needed. My allergist did say I could do that again if it was alright with the hospital, since they have a crash cart, etc., should I have a reaction, but I checked and that's been discontinued, for obvious liability issues, I'm sure. So I will need to go into the office. Fortunately I live nearby. So I may have to adjust my schedule slightly and leave early a couple of days a week and come in a little earlier or stay late to make up for it, but that's okay with me.
3. Wednesday--I went to my last class, and we had a potluck and took a group picture. I'm on Instagram, in one half of a photo posted by the organisation. The second-to-the-last class we filled out evaluation forms and volunteer forms, and I'd said I would be willing to be trained to teach the course. I spoke with one of our co-leaders, who is with the organisation, and she said she would forward the application to me and serve as a reference. If I'm accepted, they'll pay for a hotel room in Louisville for an intensive weekend course on teaching the class. The next class starts June 3rd; the training is June 6th and 7th, but she said that if I was willing, I could start out in this one since the training was so close. So I may be teaching a class in the summer.
4. Thursday--I applied for a job at the Jessamine County Public Library. I so hope I get a call from them. I've been there before; it's a very nice facility and I felt comfortable with the people there the last time I interviewed. Nicholasville is nearby, just south of Fayette County by a few miles, so it would be easy to get to, although I'd be going against traffic. For me, it would be best to go down Man O' War and then onto US 27, thereby bypassing Nicholasville Road in Lexington for the most part. I did manage a small blog post, but never made it back like I'd hoped.
5. Today--I applied to teach the class. They had a very interesting application full of detailed instructions like not putting dashes or periods in the phone number, or checking a box above the text, etc. I think they were checking to see if you could fill it out with attention to detail. There were a few in-depth questions and an introduction to be written and attached. I sent in in and got an acknowledgement that they would be contacting me closer to time. Wish me luck. The only concern I have is that I have to go to Louisville, which means driving on the Interstate, something I haven't done in years and am somewhat anxious about, but I told the co-leader that I would do it, so I will. Afterwards I went over to YKWIA's and we watched this week's 'Grimm'. We still haven't seen last week's, but maybe we can do that tomorrow.

Tomorrow I take A to an appointment and to the grocery, probably twice for the latter, as they are out of bread and milk, and need that before we go to the appointment. So I need to get over there by about 8:30. I'm going to head on to bed now; I just wanted to catch up with my blogging. I'm listening to Loreena McKennitt and have the fan blowing on me. All is quiet otherwise. It's time to turn the fish tank lights off, brush my teeth, and crawl into bed. Good night.

We didn't play the game today

but I did finish the notes early this morning, worked on my Sunday housework list at my friends' house, then came home and rested for awhile before heading back for 'Salem' tonight, which was excellent. It was a very good season opener, with Lucy Lawless and Stuart Townsend joining the cast.

Tomorrow I go to work and then mid-morning I have an appointment with a therapist. Tuesday I have my allergies tested for the first time in about 15 years. I won't say that being off my allergy medicine in the meantime has been miserable, but it has been unpleasant and annoying. I hadn't realised how bad my allergies still were without the Claritin. I'd thought that it wasn't doing much any more. It's not taking care of them completely, of course, but it has been knocking them down somewhat. I've been sneezing, itching, and my eyes and nose leak constantly. I'll be glad when the testing is over and I can try an anti-histamine again.

Well, it's midnight. I should probably go on to bed so I can get up for work in the morning. Good night.

Hope for those with complete spinal cord injuries

Implant helps paralyzed man stand, take steps: Electrical stimulator gives Portland man ability to move his legs

After Rob Summers was paralyzed below the chest in a car accident in 2006, his doctors told him he would never stand again. They were wrong.

Despite intensive physical therapy for three years, Summers' condition hadn't improved. So in 2009, doctors implanted an electrical stimulator onto the lining of his spinal cord to try waking up his damaged nervous system. Within days, Summers, 25, stood without help. Months later, he wiggled his toes, moved his knees, ankles and hips, and was able to take a few steps on a treadmill.

"It was the most incredible feeling," said Summers, of Portland, Oregon. "After not being able to move for four years, I thought things could finally change.

I hope this bears fruit. It must be incredible to be able to take steps, even if it's only for short periods during therapy, after not being able to for years. According to one of the librarians in our system (some of our hospitals, including hers, treat spinal cord injury), there is a Kentucky connexion, as the lead author is from the Kentucky Spinal Cord Injury Research Center in Louisville and that is where he is undergoing therapy.

It amazes me sometimes

how fast my emotions can turn. I've been basically happy all day, and now I feel like a failure because my attention wandered (it's bad when your ADD medicine wears off late at night) and I did the wrong thing as a result and looked stupid.

Not that I shouldn't be used to that...

You think it's frustrating dealing with someone who's brain chemistry is messed up? Try being that person. With me I'm usually either dealing with inattention issues or the emotional rollercoaster that is bipolar disorder. The medicine helps (I've been on an even keel emotionally for many months now, for example), but it's not really a cure. Throw in some obsessive-compulsive issues and borderline personality, and I should be one huge failure, and scary to boot.

But you know what? I'm mentally healthier than at any time in my life. I have a therapist who really explores my past and how I feel about it. I'm on a good combination of medications. So things are looking up. And one thing I've realised of late is that I'm not a failure. A late bloomer, perhaps, but not a failure. I have lots of accomplishments under my belt.

Plus, I've known quite a few people who make me look quite sane, and happily, they are behind me and I have no reason to have anything to do with them these days, though I do sometimes keep tabs, and it seems to me that the general trend is they become mad freaks who seem to spend all of their time in their heads rather than in the real world with the rest of us. I have that tendency too, but I'm trying to eradicate it, and I know where the holodeck's arch is, thank you very much. I don't have many friends, but they're people I can count on and who honestly care for me. Certainly that's part of my criteria for being a friend as well. You can't get much better than that.

Just some ideas late in the evening. :)

Random songs from childhood dredged up by therapy

My main theme song as a child, which in retrospect is a little scary

Simon and Garfunkel's 'Patterns'



another one that was very important to me...I was a very lonely child.

Neil Diamond's 'Shilo'



and then there was

Harry Chapin 'Cat's in the Cradle'



I so wanted to be like my father as a child. More importantly, I wanted to be loved by my father, but when he was there, there was never time for me, or what attention I got was negative. I'd like to think I'm not like him at all, but that sort of thing becomes ingrained, and then there's the fact that any time I look in the mirror I see a strong physical resemblance. Fortunately we can choose to change those ingrained behaviours--especially with a little help from a therapist.

and finally....Supertramp's 'Logical Song'



I never wanted to be put in a mould, but here I am in my 40s and I'm this strange blend of wondrous child and a worker drone who won't take risks. I've gone with what's safe because I've been hurt before. I need to start learning to trust again.

On the radio

Fort Minor's 'Where'd You Go?', one of the few rap songs I like.

Of course, on the radio, certain words are sanitised.

My dad wasn't around that much when I was a kid. In the early days, say the first six years of my life, he was in Southeast Asia during the Vietnam War. Once he came back there were temporary duty assignments, but even when he was home there wasn't much interaction between us. He'd come home, we'd eat dinner, then he'd go to his radio room and mess with his scopes or solder circuit boards. My mom's main hobby was ceramics. Mine was reading. We were three people supposedly a family living in the same house, but very much apart. Most attention I did get from my dad was negative attention, something I incited at times because I craved anything from him that would prove he cared one way or another for me. When I was in my 20s and living with my ex-husband and our bosom companion, it was the same thing--three people living separate lives, with me reading to escape my feelings about the situation.

Funny that all this came up, because I was so tired from various activities over the weekend and trying to get a friend to work that I totally forgot I had a therapy appointment today. I know they charge if you miss a session; I just hope they don't bill me the whole thing--it's like $150 a pop. But I'm glad I'm back in therapy. I have a lot of issues from my childhood and early adulthood to iron out. We're really looking at changing some of my coping mechanisms a little at a time. My assignment for this week was to take one of the things I wanted to have or have done by the time I died and visualising it manifesting in my life and then working out how to make it a reality. I know, it sounds like psychobabble, but I think there is something to it. I have a tendency to believe I don't deserve anything good, and I think the world that is reflected back to me agrees. By changing my ideas, I may be able to change my experiences.

Well, that's all for now. I got a little rest earlier but I want to get some more sleep. I have to work both jobs tomorrow and the next day, so I'll need it.

I was at the doctor's for 2 1/2 hours today

but I was running behind by about 15 minutes, so we were both having issues. I spent the majority of it in one of the exam rooms on an uncomfortable chair; I really would have rather waited in the lobby. But Dr Nesbitt was apologetic, they were apparently having one of 'those days'. He's the only one in the practice and I like him too much (among other things, I like that he's Canadian--I don't know why) to really be annoyed. Anyway, I brought in my Excel chart of my blood sugar readings and he put me on Avandia in addition to the Glucophage (metformin) and Januvia. My evening readings are pretty good (tonight's was 127) but my morning ones are still high, although not as high as they were.

I had an appointment with my new therapist for the first time yesterday. I gave him the high (or low, depending on how you look at it) points of my life with my family, with my ex-husband and his partner, and life since that. It was a little overwhelming, although I asked if if I'd scared him and he said no. He said he thought it was very interesting and would continue to be so. I got the impression of an explorer coming upon a mountain to climb or a new continent. Somehow that should bother me, but it doesn't. I guess because I get to be a part of it. I see him again on Tuesday. This is the the fifth social worker I've tried, but the first man. He seems to have good professional boundaries and doesn't seem likely to jump to conclusions like the others. If it doesn't work out the practice also has a couple of psychologists, although they're harder to get in to see. I already have homework, to come up with a list (it doesn't have to be long) of coping mechanisms I'd like to work on and make more functional, like eating when stressed, or sleeping when stressed. I do both of those. I also forget anything unpleasant, hoard, and pick at myself. Sounds a little crazy, hmm?

Well, it's off to do laundry and notes. Cerys is lapping up the last of the remains of my fish, potatoes, and vegetables. Good night.

I needed a quiz or three

You Are Not Stupid

You got 10/10 questions right! While acing this quiz doesn't prove you're a genius, you're at least pretty darn smart.

Are You Stupid?

Your Life is Rated PG-13

Your life isn't totally scandalous, but you definitely don't shy away from adult themes!

What is Your Life Rated?

There's a 87% Chance That You Need Therapy

You needed a therapist many months ago. And you definitely need one now! You've let your problems take over your life in an unhealthy way. It's time for some professional help.

Do You Need Therapy?