My favourite song by Simon & Garfunkel, to be played at my memorial

--and the full thing, including both 'Scarborough Fair' and 'Canticle'.

Lyrics:

... Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme

Remember me to one who lives there

She once was a true love of mine

… Tell her to make me a cambric shirt
(On the side of a hill, in the deep forest green)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
(Tracing of sparrow on snow-crested ground)
Without no seams nor needle work
(Blankets and bedclothes the child of the mountain)
Then she'll be a true love of mine
(Sleeps unaware of the clarion call)

… Tell her to find me an acre of land
(On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves)
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
(Washes the grave with silvery tears)
Between the salt water and the sea strands
(A soldier cleans and polishes a gun)
Then she'll be a true love of mine

… Tell her to reap it with a sickle of leather
(War bellows blazing in scarlet battalions)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
(Generals order their soldiers to kill)
And gather it all in a bunch of heather
(And to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten)
Then she'll be a true love of mine

… Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Arthur Garfunkel / Dp / Frank Peterson / Paul Simon

Scarborough Fair / Canticle lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, TuneCore Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

If you saw this episode of 'The Orville', you probably cried

and this song, a cover of Simon & Garfunkel's 'Flowers Never Bend with the Rainfall' (which I've loved since I was a little kid) by Gordon and Charly, is so poignant. I think 'The Orville' is what modern 'Star Trek' should be.

I'm not crying, you're crying

This was a beautiful cover of the Simon and Garfunkel song. It was also an excellent choice for this episode of 'The Orville'. We've finally been watching season 3, and I must say, the writing and execution of the story so far have been superb. This episode was 'Domino', season 3, episode 9.

Not your typical Friday night

Our plans were put on hold tonight so I listened to music, trying out some new headphones I have, and for whatever reason, I started listening to a lot of older Linkin Park, mainly the albums Metora and Hybrid Theory.  I remembered that Chester Bennington's death had been around this time of the year, and I checked, it was the 20th of July 2017. Hard to believe it's been four years.  It's a shame; he was very talented, and had a beautiful voice (when he was singing, as opposed to the occasional screaming, but you could never say he didn't put emotion into his work).  That's what first appealed to me about them--Mike Shinoda's speaking and Chester Bennington singing, their voices intertwining.  I think it was 'In the End' that I first heard them.  There's a dark aspect to their music, emotional, raw, and full of depression and hurt.  I spent so much of my early life feeling exactly those things--I was clinically depressed from much of my childhood and teens all through my 30s.  I felt trapped in circumstances in my early life, then wound up going from that to an emotionally abusive marriage where I walked on eggshells for a six-year relationship that culminated in my wedding and then finally getting my voice and leaving six months into the fiasco that was.  Then there were years of trying to rebuild my life, or rather build it, because I'd always been a mirror of what people wanted me to be, rather than my own person. And once I stopped doing that, I was much happier.  So you can see why their music appeals.  (It's also why I like Simon & Garfunkel and Ed Sheeran, who often sing songs that are beautiful and light musically, but really quite depressive if you look at the lyrics.  Simon & Garfunkel have suicide through several songs, and Ed Sheeran sings about drugs, prostitution, miscarriages, and all sorts of 'negative' things, but in a way that makes him sound happy.)  Somehow I get all those.  Linkin Park is a rawer kind of music, where the music itself expresses the pain, not just the lyrics.

I don't know why, even though I'm not in that place any more, I still feel comfort in this sort of music.  Most people feel depressed listening to that sort of music.  I feel more alive.  It reminds me of the demons I've conquered.  There are plenty I'm still working on, as it's a daily struggle with my brain to keep on an even keel.  Thankfully I have a good support system, a friend of over 30 years (the same one who helped me get out of that awful marriage) who still asks me hard questions I can't dodge that cuts down on lies I might tell myself, and then I can't tell you how different my life is with the right medicine.  My brain chemistry hates me, and while I sometimes wish that wasn't so, I know I need help, and there's no shame in that.  My roommate is very astute at sensing changes in my mood, and helping with my anxiety, which without medication would be crippling.

I know that's a fairly heavy post.  Sorry about that, I didn't mean to go all dark on you.  It's one reason I try to keep things upbeat here, because of that tendency. I'm feeling actually pretty decent tonight. It was a good week, I got a lot done, I feel good about myself.  But it did make me reflect on how far I've come.  If you told me at age 20 that I'd have connexions to so many people who make my life better, I'd think you were crazy. I was so alone for so long.  Thanks for being there.  You know who you all are.

My friend found this on YouTube and I found it hilarious

As I'm sure you're aware, it's a parody of Disturbed's cover (and its video) of Simon & Garfunkel's 'Sound of Silence'. I do like their arrangement, although of course I am a fan of the original. Here is Disturbed's version:



and here's the original version by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel:

Just had a wonderful meal

of lentil loaf, Gruyère velouté soup, homemade bread, and a Belgian endive/mushroom/asparagus salad. Really, the groceries cost very little, but the meal would be ridiculously expensive were we to dine in a restaurant. I love YKWIA's cooking. All I did was chop up two onions this time (he's very sensitive to onions as far as eyes watering, and I usually fare better, particularly if I have my contacts in) and the cleanup. I have two pots soaking at the moment. Otherwise, it's all in the dishwasher, which is running, or I've hand washed it.

Today there wasn't a game, but I worked four hours. We'd signed up for some voluntary overtime, and the folks who worked on Saturday got all the grid shuffling done (we have new scheduling grids, so it's a means to put the displaced appointments back in where they go--it takes much less time than rescheduling every appointment).  No one was certain how long it would take, so they had us working on it through the weekend and Monday [the medical centre is closed tomorrow for Presidents' Day].  It looked like I wouldn't be working after all, but my boss said I could come in today and get some things done.  There's enough in a couple of queues for me to work all day so I will be coming in tomorrow.  Today I reviewed some of the reschedules and mostly stuffed envelopes of letters going out for appointments that shifted more than 10 minutes in the process.  I hand-addressed and licked every envelope.  Apparently, our postal meter machine will seal the envelopes, but I wasn't sure about that, and by the time I found out otherwise, I was almost finished. :)  It wasn't too bad, though.

The other night I sat down and did some financial stuff and really fell into a funk that spilt over into grief over my mother (the anniversary of her death is coming up) and general issues of sadness.  I stayed in bed all evening and really felt emotionally hung over the next day.  I cried a lot and there were bags under my eyes that covered half of my face the next day.  I don't know, the financial stuff triggered it, but I don't know where all this anxiety and gloominess came from.  I listened to a lot of Simon and Garfunkel, which made me feel better (their music always does, despite the tendency to sing about death, suicide, depression, and the like).

Yesterday, like I said, I felt hungover and achy, mostly a combination of emotional overwroughtness and then arthritis acting up, as it was an extremely rainy day.  Today I felt much better, thankfully.

Anyway, that's why I hadn't been writing. I'd gotten onto Facebook in my funk for a bit but mostly stayed off the computer completely.  But I am doing better.  I did chores today, and I need to do my laundry tomorrow after work (I did the dog blankets and bath mat today,  as I meant to do those last week, and there has been a prodigious amount of mud brought into the house over the last few days, with all the rain).  Today was a little warmer and the sun actually came out, and it did a lot for my mood.  Tomorrow it's supposed to be in the 70s.  We've got rain coming back in the forecast, though.

Okay, I'm going to check off my Habitica checkboxes, scrub those pans, and probably go on to bed a little early.  Good night.

Of course, come to think of it, this was my mom's favourite of theirs

Actually, several Simon and Garfunkel songs talk about suicide and depression. A friend calls them the Prozac of popular music, but I disagree. Even when the music is upbeat, it's deeper than a lot of what you hear today. Okay, now for that nap!

The song I considered a sort of theme song growing up

Is that bad? It is a somewhat disturbing song, and I'm talking about feeling that way from say, age 8.

I have an early appointment tomorrow

for my annual checkup with the podiatrist who did my ankle surgery a few years ago--he now follows me for my diabetes in terms of any foot issues. I just got home, and I paid my cell phone bill after getting into some comfy clothes. I'm off work tomorrow because I have the appointment, some cleaning to do, primarily in the bedroom, and then I'm meeting a friend who lives in Harrodsburg at the 127 junction with the Bluegrass Parkway and bringing her and one of her friends up to something we're doing tomorrow afternoon with friends. Then later we're going to go to Masala and eat. :) I've been saving what I can to make sure I can get some vegetable korma and some Peshawari naan. Yum.

I've been feeling a little oversensitive and stressed today, probably because it's my time of the month. I had a full schedule with work and then two appointments that were right after one another. I was late for mine, despite leaving at a reasonable time from work, hitting every red light I could. Then I waited about 10 minutes in line to be checked in. I was lucky to catch the doctor just before he left. Then I had to get across town to YKWIA's house, pick him up, and take him downtown for his appointment, which we managed to do, only being about 5 minutes late. I think I spent most of the time he was in there just calming down. Later, at his house, I helped A with something, and then fixed YKWIA some food and watched an episode of 'Lost Girl' with him. He sent me to the store for a few things, and then I came home. So it's been a productive, if stressful, day.

I really should make some bread tonight, but I think I'll wait on that. Tomorrow for lunch I can make pasta or macaroni and cheese, and then there's Indian food tomorrow night. So I'm set tomorrow. It's after that I'm worried about. The coming week before payday is going to be very difficult, but I'll make it. I sent in the income-based repayment plan application to my student loan servicer today, and that should help things. I'm hoping once my payments resume that I'll wind up with a payment date in the latter part of the month. Part of the problem I've been having is too much has been due at the same time as my rent, and I simply haven't had the money to spend. The IBR should bring my payment down from more than I make a month to something doable. I'm glad I was able to get some help from them; I really thought I was going to go into default.

Okay, I should go on to bed since tomorrow comes early.

PS I've been listening to that playlist some more at home and at work. I'm up to the S's, with 'Something to Sing About' by the cast of 'Buffy: the Vampire Slayer' from their musical episode, Once More, with Feeling, followed by 'Somewhere They Can't Find Me' by Simon & Garfunkel. :)

Listening to

'Flowers Never Bend with the Rainfall' by Simon & Garfunkel

Through the corridors of sleep
Past the shadows dark and deep
My mind dances and leaps in confusion.
I don't know what is real,
I can't touch what I feel
And I hide behind the shield of my illusion.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.

The mirror on my wall
Casts an image dark and small
But I'm not sure at all it's my reflection.
I am blinded by the light
Of God and truth and right
And I wander in the night without direction.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.

It's no matter if you're born
To play the king or pawn
For the line is thinly drawn 'tween joy and sorrow,
So my fantasy
Becomes reality,
And I must be what I must be and face tomorrow.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.

Listening to

'Scarborough Fair/Canticle' by Simon & Garfunkel (this one also has Andy Williams)


('Canticle' is just as important to me, so I had to find a version with both. I like the addition of Andy Williams in this one, so I replaced the original one I had here.)

'Richard Cory' by Simon & Garfunkel


Depressing, I suppose, but I like it. Of course, I also like their 'A Most Peculiar Man' which also features suicide. I've always thought Paul Simon had personal experience with depression, given some of his writing. I don't know if that's true, although he's listed on those 'famous people with depression'-type lists.

'One Tin Soldier' by Coven


'The Trees They Grow High' by Pentangle


(I couldn't find the Joan Baez version, but I love Pentangle, too. :)

It's a shame I couldn't find a video of Loreena McKennitt's 'Annachie Gordon'; it would fit well with this song. But I did find the audio online. :)

Random songs from childhood dredged up by therapy

My main theme song as a child, which in retrospect is a little scary

Simon and Garfunkel's 'Patterns'



another one that was very important to me...I was a very lonely child.

Neil Diamond's 'Shilo'



and then there was

Harry Chapin 'Cat's in the Cradle'



I so wanted to be like my father as a child. More importantly, I wanted to be loved by my father, but when he was there, there was never time for me, or what attention I got was negative. I'd like to think I'm not like him at all, but that sort of thing becomes ingrained, and then there's the fact that any time I look in the mirror I see a strong physical resemblance. Fortunately we can choose to change those ingrained behaviours--especially with a little help from a therapist.

and finally....Supertramp's 'Logical Song'



I never wanted to be put in a mould, but here I am in my 40s and I'm this strange blend of wondrous child and a worker drone who won't take risks. I've gone with what's safe because I've been hurt before. I need to start learning to trust again.