My affirmations calendar has a sense of humour

The photo is of my affirmations calendar page on the day I was let go.

Today's saying is 'I am exactly who I need to be in this moment.' I am meeting this head-on. I've worked since I was 16 years old--42 years. In all that time, I've never been terminated, although I've been laid off (twice), had my hours reduced (twice), and my job eliminated (once). Three of those have happened at Shriners, and I've always been loyal and kept going like it didn't matter, but hey. Anyway, I've picked up my things, spoken with various people about options and benefits I may be eligible for, begun applying for jobs, etc. I've made a list of things to do, and I'm already about halfway through it after two days. Tonight I'm trying to integrate the things I had in the office that I'd like to keep in my room. The rest will go into storage until I have another office. Tomorrow I'm going to work up a schedule for the week. I've tried to move some appointments from March to next week, and looking for another job with benefits, especially healthcare, is my main priority. I cannot go without my medicine. It literally would be a death sentence. 

Anyone with leads, feel free to send me anything. I didn't get terminated for anything malicious or deliberate or anything like that. If circumstances were different, I'm not sure it would even have happened. But here it is, and in a way, it might be good. I've sort of used Shriners as a comfortable crutch for years, clinging to it rather than taking risks out in the world trying for jobs that might have been better in the long run for my career, As much as I loved being a librarian, being a solo librarian for so long has hurt my chances of getting a mid-career job because I've only supervised a few high school students, not other professionals, even though I've done all the different things a librarian does in a library. 

The librarian position here was perfect for me in terms of my neurodiversity issues; the patient access positions stressed them. Ironically, the final one was better than the others. I was doing better with it, though I struggled with my ADHD medicine failing, and it directly led to my discharge. I am scheduled next week to discuss changing it with my MD. Too little, too late. But maybe it will help for next time. I've also learned a very hard lesson: coming clean about a disability before it becomes an issue isn't a sign of weakness; it's a way to protect yourself, at least as long as the ADA survives current attacks. I actually had an offer for an interview the week I came back from my last knee replacement, and I wish I'd taken it, but I didn't feel it was right to ask off on my first day back, as it wasn't fair to work. I really regret that now. It was a library job with the state, providing children's books to kids with low vision or who are blind. I sometimes feel I was more concerned about work than vice versa. I was once told it wasn't my business to worry about the number of patients on the schedule or who was out that day when asking off, that wasn't my job. I thought it was just common courtesy and trying not to be a bother. Oh, well. No longer my problem. I am exactly who I need to be in this moment. I will continue to be. I will do better. And I am equipped to handle all situations effectively, even if in the short term it seems bleak. In the long run, I will prevail and flourish, and never give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me fail.

Have a good night.

Back to work and it was exhausting

Officially back at work. I worked two days, our lighter days at work, Thursday and Friday, while the temp who had filled in with me was still here. Thursday morning, I got up at 5:30 because I was afraid I'd oversleep (I set four alarms five minutes apart) and took most of what I'd brought home in July back in two rucksacks, one on my back, and one rolling bookbag.) I spent the morning watching a four-hour video training that was engaging. That afternoon. Then Kathryn (the temp, an excellent person who is going to come volunteer with us and once she can, hopes to come back and work for us. Everyone really liked her. Plus, she knows about Sarah Millican (the comedienne) and Cthulhu. She's read 71 books so far this year, which blows my reading challenge completely out of the water), and I took turns at the computer. After work, I did many errands, and by 10:45, I went into the bedroom, took my meds, got into bed, but didn't fall asleep till right before midnight, as I was still a little wound up. Friday I woke up on my own at 5:20 so I decided to go ahead and get up, I went to Kroger, got some things for lunch like peanut butter and jam (but forgot the bread, so wound up eating fig newtons and popcorn) and a couple of plants for work, and went into work a little early (I got there about a half an hour early, so I took an amazingly long time in the store, apparently.

Anyway, again, Kathryn and I took turns, covered each other's breaks, etc. Almost everything is the same. The only real surprise is that I am now a headquarters employee who clocks in and out, including for lunch, on the computer, which is taking some getting used to. But that will come pretty quickly. I also got my flu shot today. I learned I needed to stand more, maybe while I'm folding letters to go out, because it'll keep my legs from swelling, but also they hurt after a while if I don't. Plus, my watch makes a happy noise if I get up. It tries to tell me to get up every 45 minutes anyway, although I tend to ignore it. I will not be controlled by my machine overlord.

I left early this afternoon to go to PT, had a good session, including being able to do bridges for the first time in ages [arching the back by putting up the knees and putting all your weight on the shoulders], and doing 60 step ups (30 on each leg) which is amazing, giving I haven't been able to do steps in years. That's stepping up and down on one foot and down, but doing three sets of ten x 2 when you're not used to doing it is quite a workout. I then took the bus to my car (I'd taken the shuttle from the parking garage next to our building down the street to PT after changing from my jeans to shorts since he'd need to get to my incision for the massage part of the session). I came home, had a couple of things to do here, went to get dinner from Bourbon n' Toulouse, but went to the Sharkey Way location, even though it is across town and I hadn't been there before, because it has better parking (it actually just opened a drive through) and a vegetarian dish that the main Chevy Chase location doesn't have.

I went, got the food, and made a terrible mistake. I came back through downtown. I don't know what was going on at Rupp Arena, but the event caused a lot of traffic that didn't open up till I got onto Fontaine Road and then Chinoe. I was in bumper-to-bumper traffic. All told, I think the trip took an hour. The town's not that big.

We ate Sabbath dinner. I saved half of mine for today. I was so tired and uncomfortable. It was hard to finish. Afterwards, I took care of the dishes (my main chore, since he normally is the one who cooks), and then took my meds and collapsed into bed, exhausted, and I lasted 5 minutes, had trouble setting an alarm for tomorrow, and then I was gone. I woke up about 4:30 am and went to the bathroom, got a banana and some water, and got on the computer for just a bit. I'm going back to bed for a couple more hours.

I did snap a picture of myself in the break room in my new employee-appreciation gift t-shirt. It was supposed to be royal blue, and this was substituted, and while I look best in royal blue, I love this colour. Anyway, it's nice to be back, it's nice to see people again. But I'm glad Kathryn was here, and that I could ease into work this week. I hope I can do okay next week as I'll be back on my own. Goodness, I was so tired last night.

Rise and Shine

I was going to get up at 7:30 AM today because I have to get my friend up for class at 8:30 and I want to make his coffee first, but I was woken up by the garbage truck and the subsequent woo woo by one of the dogs who was also disturbed at 6:10 (I am in the front of the house with the window open). Yesterday I got up at 5:30 AM. Most of the time that I've been off, I've gotten up sometime between 6 AM and 7:30 AM, so not really sleeping in, but I need to get used to being more on the 6 AM side of that. I usually try to get to work between 7:30 and 7:45, as I clock in at 8 AM, and I have a bus I take from the stadium to the medical centre. I go back to work in 13 days. So even though the alarm was set for 7:30 today, I think from now on I'm going to set it earlier on weekdays.

Of course, yesterday I got up earlier, but about 10 AM, I was so sleepy, and I'd been so productive, I went back to sleep for an hour and a half. I won't be able to do that at all, so I'll have to resist doing that, too. Besides, that goes beyond a nap. That's a sleep. 😊

Today I have to stay up. I have PT at 2 PM. I want to do a lot of reading and studying. I may or may not have to go to one of the pharmacies we use--I have to call once they open. I do need to put some laundry away, and maybe do some, or at least get some of that out of the way this weekend. I'm keeping up on my room, and I need to see about moving back into my normal weekend chores. I also want to finish up the game notes from the last time we played. Now that it's not sweltering in the house (we didn't have air conditioning in the house, except for my room, due to the central AC going out), I'm hoping we can play the game again, now that I'm doing better, but I need to do those first.

Okay, it's really quiet. I've got a little time. I think I'll go make coffee and wash some dishes, so those are done, and then set an alarm for 8:30 AM and do some reading to get something off my list. Oh, and I can eat breakfast now. I took my thyroid pill over an hour ago. I have to wait to eat with that.

Twenty-five

Citation:

25. Asperger's on the Job: Must-have Advice for People with Asperger's or High Functioning Autism, and their Employers, Educators, and Advocates by Rudy Simone (with a forward by Temple Grandin), 2011, Future Horizons, 159 pp. ISBN: 978-1935274285

I liked this one pretty well. I'm having difficulties with management at work and I'm trying to get ideas for helping myself do a great job and navigate some of the issues I'm having.

Long day in the emergency room

So I had to go to the University of Kentucky emergency department today.

I felt fine this morning, drove to work with no problem, blood sugar was normal, everything was fine. I got to the stadium lot and felt fuzzy in my head, and when I tried walking I was uncoordinated and listed to the side. I was carrying a small orchid and nearly dropped it repeatedly, even jerking at one point without meaning too, like those jerks you have when you're falling asleep, but I wasn't.

It continued when I went into work, and I nearly fell over, even with the cane, several times. Once I got to work I dropped an open drink twice on my keyboard (good I have an overlay), I was still fuzzy, and really slow in making the computer work. I went down to the employee health nurse. My blood pressure has been all over the place today, first high with her, then at one point really low. She got me in a wheelchair and she and my supervisor took me over to UK's ED, because some of my symptoms matched a TIA like I had in July.

So after the CT and EKG and other tests, there was no sign of a TIA (although they don't necessarily do that, being transient, after all). I spent a lot of time sitting and lying in bed and the fuzziness finally cleared for the most part. I'm dehydrated, but I wasn't enough to get fluids. I have orthostatic hypotension, but I'd figured that out some time ago (I am a medical librarian, after all, and I once knew someone who had it and they were the same symptoms, such as getting dizzy when standing up). But this wasn't really that...I was a little dizzy in the beginning but it was more unsteady, groggy, disoriented, that sort of thing.

Last night between 9 and 10 PM I'd taken a small dose, smaller than usual, of a muscle relaxant, tinzanidine. I've used it occasionally for years for neck and back spasms. I usually take 14 mg, again, PRN, just as needed, but I just took 8, thank goodness. It was over 12 hours by the time I went to the ED since I'd taken the medicine, which usually is short-lived.

I was still having unsteadiness almost 24 hours afterwards. My brain's just not in the same fuzzy mode it was before. Now (11:30 PM) I feel tired and overly-wrung out.

The doctor thinks I may have a hypersensitivity or allergy to tizanidine and I shouldn't take it, but she never said it definitely caused the symptoms today. I also found in my own research that despite having a relatively short half-life, it is heavily metabolised by the liver, and since I have fatty liver disease, I wonder if that affected things.

The nurse brought me home (thank you Kathryn) just before 5 PM, and I went straight to bed for a rest. She's going to come get me in the morning as my car is at the stadium.

So it was a big maybe on what all happened, but I'm just hoping I'm back to my normal self tomorrow.

UPDATE: Thinking back through things, I find it interesting that I didn't have symptoms for about two hours when I woke up, before I to to work. If it were some strange carryover from the tizanidine, you would expect me to be impaired from the moment I woke up. The only reason I even thought of the tizanidine was before I also had some, and the last time I had some, the night before my TIA in July, (and none of them thought it should be it either time, as it does clear fairly quickly out of the body, but it seemed oddly beyond coincidental not to mention). All the symptoms I had today were symptoms I had that morning in July as well.

It also reminded me of a time I went to another hospital for weakness on one side, headache, and chest pains. They decided it was a hemiplegic migraine with a panic attack because nothing showed up on the scans. But I'm beginning to wonder if that was also a transient ischemic issue as well. The chest pains may have been a panic attack, I do get them. I rarely get migraines, but I have not had a hemiplegic migraine, either before or since.

I think I'm going to talk to my PCP. In addition to being an expert with decades of experience in internal medicine, he has worked in both neurology and emergency medicine. He's also Canadian, and so maybe the training he received might give him another perspective.

Feeling better after 10 days of Covid leave

Tomorrow I get to go back to work. I'm feeling much better. I was lucky to 1) have something more like bad flu than full-blown, concerning illness and 2) no one else I knew got it from me [I'd played the game with friends the day I started getting feeling bad, sharing snacks, etc., so it was a concern, and also, of course, I live with someone. Four years of pandemic and I never had it, and then bam. I did get vaccinated (my 7th shot overall), but unfortunately, I got sick before the full protection came through (it takes a bit). It may have mitigated it somewhat, though. And my roommate had his back in early September, so that helped. At this point, I just have the same runny nose I've had with allergies over the last five months.

Two observances...except when I was the sickest (including the night I slept 14 hours), I woke up by 6:30-7:00 AM every morning (when I should be for work). This was at first frustrating, because hey, I'm off, I'm sick, I'm supposed to sleep in. But it's because I've been going to bed at 10-11 PM and not my normal midnight AM. So there's a change to try to implement. The other is my room is the absolute cleanest it has been in years. I was bored and I cleaned. I am only neat at work. My desk has to be in order. I feel better when my living space is, but I struggle because I was messy even as a kid, and it was the main battle I had with my parents in an otherwise 'good girl' childhood. Behold! [I do need to take the little air conditioner to storage (and get my cold-weather clothes), but that's for this weekend. And of course, the pumpkin diorama is sitting on the cedar chest for the next 24 hours. I'll take it in tomorrow. I really should find a different spot for my medicine cart (it also has lotions, toiletries, etc.) because it's right in the window and that's not good for medications (although they are in sunlight-blocking bottles, the bamboo has to go somewhere in the light. And of course, it's all about the plants, right? Maybe I need one of those little tower tables. :)

It has been so freaking busy lately

*Warning, long, somewhat whining post, even though I have so much to be grateful for, and others are going through so much more than I*

Up briefly in the night. I'd struggled after a long day of work with way too much stimulation with fraying just a bit but not actually breaking down, had to go to two stores to get challah, came home and crashed for two hours, came out to make and eat a sandwhich, and went back to sleep shortly thereafter. Essentially I was utterly exhausted; my roommate virtually sent me to bed when I got home at 7 PM (I'd started my day working at about 7 AM, scheduled till 5 PM). He even did a couple of my chores. It's 4 AM now and I finally feel human again. Although we were very busy and the flow of the front desk, which I was covering all day while training a new person, is different, I don't think today was what did it, but a combination of weeks of too much stimulation with lights and crying children and happy ones, and other noise and all the stress of being 'on' all the time., plus a lot of personal life stress. Plus we're in fracture season, the numbers are up, and it's difficult to fit people into the schedules [although thank goodness I can overbook on the computer now, rather than having to call others to do it]; I feel like I'm constantly juggling and I'm just trying not to drop any balls. And today things just were not so much chaotic as crazy, with weird stuff that happens but are involved all while other people are coming in. I was scheduled for a 10-hour day and had had one on Monday as well. I used to do that all the time when I was working two jobs, but it's somehow not the same. I finally ate lunch at 3:30. My legs are killing me from sitting even more than I do at my desk. I think I had taken two bathroom breaks and got up a total of five times during the time I was out there. I just felt a little tied to the desk. Don't get me wrong, I love my job in many ways. I am also very grateful to have it, as I have been laid off once and partially so (hours cut back or position eliminated twice) over 27 years and they've always done their best to keep me on, bring me back, or move me to another job. I love where I work, and the health insurance is outstanding, which I need badly. But I was much more suited to being a librarian and I know it. Even the insurance job, while stressful and a lot rode on it, was quieter and less stimulating.

I'm sure I'll feel better about it once I've had the weekend to decompress and recharge. I feel better already now that I've gotten some rest. It's not like I'm the only one who has days like this, and a lot of people have much more stressful jobs that they have to take home with them or have to make decisions with a lot riding on them. I don't. But I just recently began to understand a little more of why days like today nearly make me shut down, and while that's great to know, it's also very frustrating, because it takes so much effort to do things when it shouldn't, but I just have to try to deal with how I'm wired. And I have always been able to hold work, and do a good job, and a lot of people with similar issues struggle a lot more than I do. And while I came close to breaking down today, I did for the most part manage to keep it together, so that's a plus. I don't normally feel this way every day.after all. But today surprised me. It wasn't one of our super-busy days. In some ways, the job I was doing was easier than the one I usually do. I don't know why today was just so much in terms of feeling overwhelmed, but tomorrow, as Scarlett O'Hara would say, is another day. And I'm back at my desk and it'll be a busy Friday but slower than the rest of the week. It'll be okay, although I have to get up early again due to physical therapy. For now though, I should just go back to bed for a bit and let my dreams hopefully wash away the day and allow me to get some rest. Thank you for listening.

*whine off*

Haven't done this in awhile

From Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, Book II, number III.

Do soul, do; abuse and contemn thyself; yet a while and the time for thee to respect thyself will be at an end. Every man's happiness depends from himself, but behold thy life is almost at an end while affording thyself no respect, thou dost make thy happiness to consist in the souls, and conceits, of others.

In other words, you grant the power to external validation, not to the internal, which is most important. Your opinion of yourself, your self-esteem, is more important than the thoughts and opinions of others. I have such a hard time with this. Recently I had a review where someone who barely knew me made some terribly incorrect assumptions about my motivation and ability to do my work, which was very disheartening, and it made me feel very bad about myself. Or, rather, it was the trigger, but I made myself feel bad. I felt useless like I'd wasted 27 years of investment in my workplace for nothing.

But we have power over that and only that. No one has the right to really expect their opinion to make or shape you, and more importantly, you should never give control of your life over to someone else, because no one can truly know you as you know yourself, at least if you've tried to gain some insight into your life. Right?

A decent day

Today I was off work. I had a great PT appointment, took friend to the doctor, and went to the dentist who fixed a broken tooth in addition to the teeth cleaning. She figured out why it was breaking (another tooth was too high and was going up against it when I ate). She took that one down and they essentially did a filling with the correct colour on my front tooth which has now chipped in the same place four times. So I have a smile again.😃Plus it was nice to get away from work, with its week of Mondays, or so it has seemed, for a day.

Exercise

My roommate suggested that it might be useful, especially given my struggles with anxiety, to read the Meditations of Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, a Stoic philosopher, a meditation a day, as one would read a devotional [I'm pagan, so I guess it is]. I think this will be good. I should then think about it and relate it to my own life.

 
Today is the first day. I will be reading from two editions, one an Elizabethan translation by Méric Casaubon [or rather, a comparison of the 1634 and 1635 editions as put together for modern readers by an unnamed person], the first English translation available in England, and therefore in the public domain and available on Project Gutenberg's website.  The second is from Modern Library, translated by Robert Hays, which is presented in modern style.  It is available on Amazon.  Neither is a literal translation but rather put in the colloquial style of their times. However, in introducing my thoughts I will include the Casaubon translation here since it is in the public domain and can be used freely.

I'm skipping the first bit, which my friend referred to as a speech thanking the Academy, whereupon he thanks his family, teachers, and the Gods.  I may circle around to it. I've already noticed certain differences in the translation, most notably omissions in Hays that do make things clearer, but also delete interesting information.

So, for now, I'm starting with Book I, Meditation XV, titled 'In the country of the Quadi at Granua, these. Betimes in the morning'.

say to myself. This day I shalt have to do with an idle curious man, with an unthankful man, a railer, a crafty, false, or an envious man, ab unsociable uncharitable man. All these ill quealities have happened unto them, through ignorance of that which is truly good and truly bad.  But I that undersatnd the nature of that which is good, that it only is to be desired, and of that which is bad, that it only is truly odious and shameful: who know moreover, that this transgressor, whosoever he be, is my kinsman, not by the same blood and seed, but by participation of the same reason, and of the same divine particle; How can I either be hurt by any of those, since it is not in their power to make me incur anything that is truley reporachful? or angry, and ill affected towards him, who by nature is so near unto me? for we are all born to be fellow-workers, the as feet, the hands, and the eyelids; as the uppper and under teeth: for such therefore to be in opposition, is against nature; and what is to chafe at, and to be averse from, but to be in opposition?

Recently I was in a situation where I was brought before my manager for a minor thing (not written up, but it was essentially a verbal warning) that nevertheless had bothered a co-worker. Instead of telling me directly that it made her uncomfortable, she had taken it to my supervisor, who had then taken it to my manager, who had then taken it to human resources.  It was concerning something I had little control over, and the co-worker had been the one who had first treated it with humour, so it became a running joke for us, I thought. Instead, I suppose, she was treating it with humour because it was an embarrassing thing, and so never told me it bothered her.  I, on the other hand, tending to take people very much at face value, did not realise I was causing any trouble.  Both the action and that are on me, of course, but I was very hurt and angry because neither the person I considered a friend, neither my supervisor, who also fit that category, saw fit to say anything to me, but involved my manager and HR, for something that is an embarrassing bodily function brought on by a medicine I am taking--something they all knew, and that we had laughed about it. (Remember--she was the one that started that).

As far as reading Marcus Aurelius, I came to two ways that this passage can be related to this situation. 

1) My co-worker, who no doubt hid her embarrassment by trying to find humour with it, and who brought this situation to a head, did not understand that the best way to deal with it was to speak to me directly and even bluntly if need be, rather than involve four other people and embarrass me further. Neither did my supervisor. They were not so much malicious, but they caused a reaction to the issue that 1) hurt and embarrassed me, 2) blew it way out of proportion, 3) blamed me for something that I had little control over and therefore could not excuse myself quickly, especially while doing my job--something medical at that, and 4) brought to my attention that I had misplaced my trust, and 5) brought to my attention that perhaps I do not read people's reactions in a way I should. [I think I have written here before that I am seeking testing for autism, although that is another post entirely, as my area has a reasonable programme in another city, with a 5-year wait, or individuals in my city that charge almost $2000 for the testing.] But they did not think that those things would happen, because they were essentially ignorant of anything beyond 'this is something' that bothers me'. It has broken the well-oiled machine-but-still fun approach she and I had in our work, and I am trying not to hold it against them, but I am glad that my co-worker has gotten another in another part of our department on another floor, so I will not have to deal with the fallout so much.  In the meantime, I am trying to do what my manager asked, to the point of pain at times, but I have changed medicines and taken other medication to help, so hopefully that will improve the situation.

2) None of the people involved actually have the power to embarrass or hurt me. It is my reaction to the situation that caused it. I cannot control the actions of others, just myself. Also, it does not benefit me to hold a grudge for what I see as a hurtful thing; and I of course can understand why they were annoyed, I am just sad that it came to what it did, and that a relatively minor thing that shouldn't have affected our work did indeed. And I do have a difficult time holding grudges anyway; I was very quiet with everyone for a couple of days but slowly talked again and it was almost like before, though not quiet.  I won't forget, nor have I quite forgiven, but I at least can interact. I do not, however, consider them friends, but rather co-workers. I have fallen into that trap before, and will probably again. I perhaps trust too much, and it's hard for me to read motivations for actions. But I will try to do that less while recognising that people have their own emotions, agendas, and motivations and that they do not necessarily pair up with mine.

It takes a village

Yesterday as I was about to leave for work, my roommate pointed out that my car, which just has the plastic on the window, was in no shape to park over at UK.

I'd been worried about the ADA hangtag disappearing. He pointed out that my car itself might be stolen, so I called my supervisor to ask if I could be late, and I took the bus in, which took almost an hour and a half, but I was actually only 40 minutes late for work. I was thinking I'd have to ride the bus for the rest of the time till payday [March 9th] when I'm off and can get the part put in by my mechanic.

Over the course of the day, I had friends from my department and another offering to do various things, and a plan was concocted and modified throughout the day.

• I checked with Autozone after a suggestion and the switch was not actually $150 like Tire Discounters had said (surprise) but $52. For signing up for e-mails, I got $10 off my first order, so I was able to get the whole thing, with tax, for $45. It's supposed to be here today but there may be a delay per a message I received this morning.
• The plan is to have my manager's husband try to put it in on Thursday if it doesn't require taking the inside of the door off, or the weekend if it does. I sent pictures from the website of the switch, including the plugs on the back, to my manager to share with him.
• Meanwhile, one friend took me home yesterday so I didn't have to ride the bus. My supervisor is taking me back and forth over the next few days; she comes in a little earlier, but I'm getting up about the time I would take the bus and I'm getting here quicker. They even picked me up/dropped me at the door to keep me from having to walk a distance to their cars.

I REALLY appreciate all the support from my friends at work who are helping. It really does mean a lot.

So yesterday

So yesterday a child who wasn't even two nearly destroyed my bay at work.  She pulled down the giant Plexiglas screen (I don't understand why it was there, because the other half of the desk was completely open, so anyone could sneeze. The masks are protection, too, but still...)  she was pulling the rmonitor iser back toward her until she was tired of the tug-a-war as I tried to bring it back. She nearly broke the chalkboard I had out dropping it on the floor (it had previously been hidden behind the Plexiglas, along with my plants, including a glass 'light bulb' on a stand with pothos in it).  Mom was just trying to hold her but did not get her far enough from the desk to do a bit of good.  There was a language barrier, and the child was also having a meltdown, so the interpreter and mother had a hard time understanding each other, and since it was a video interpreter [think iPad on a stick], it was on my side of the counter, so I could hear better, but it was Arabic, which I don't know at all. If it had been Spanish I might have been able to help, or at least repeat it.

Once they left, I hung the blackboard on the wall high up, storing the stand and the Plexiglas under my back counter in the cabinet, and also moved most of the small plants, including the glass holder, to that back counter, along with a picture friend of my best friend. Now the only things left there are the larger ZZ plant and a small Peperomia on my side of the ZZ, where I also hid my pen holder, which includes these flower-top pens I love that my supervisor gave me for Secret Santa, which one other patient has already tried to take.  I had already moved my one Beanie Baby, a purple cat with big eyes that a friend gave me when the older cat died.  My magnifying glass, which is a big half-globe lens, is in its box, far away from prying eyes or little hands [I had a kid stick his arm under the riser to get that when it was out of the box at one point].  I think, with the exception of the monitors, I've got everything situated so nothing can break.  Mind you, the only reason I had anything of sentimental value or breakable on the desk in the first place is that most were hidden by the Plexiglas.

Sigh.  While I like children in theory [as in, they can be cute from a distance and I believe it is everyone's duty to protect them], I don't really feel completely comfortable around them, especially wiggly toddlers, and I'm absolutely terrified of babies because I'm afraid to hold them in case I drop them. So when a coworker comes with their newborn to show it off, I am not in line to hold it. I was an only child, never babysat enough, and never have had kids. I just don't have easy rapport. As a result, the coworker told me once they were gone that my face was priceless, a sort of RBF.

This is one of the many reasons I never had kids. I just couldn't handle it.

Are you still a librarian if you don't work in a library?

 

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I'm not sure who did this, so I can't credit them, but it's brilliant.

It's been five years since I've worked in a library. In that time I have had one contract position and then four regular positions at the same company I was a librarian for 20 years.  I also have moved seven times in five years as they've tried to get the right mix of office layout.  For three floors, it's pretty mobile.

I was laid off for six weeks before they asked me to come back.  My library gig was always part-time, first at 35 hours a week, then 20, and I eventually got a data entry position entering medical charges that made $10 less an hour, but I was finally able to stop taking extra jobs such as working at the gas station (I did that for five years, standing for hours through tendinitis and plantar fasciitis issues and worrying about being robbed).  I was finally full-time for the first time in my life anywhere.  I'd worked for 10 years in a 'real' job to finally get that.  All because we started taking insurance to reduce the draw on our endowment.

But those charges weren't going to be needed once we were an outpatient medical centre rather than an inpatient hospital, and the library wasn't going. So I was laid off.

Six weeks later the manager of patient access called me asking if I'd come back as a consultant as their numbers were through the roof now that we were getting paediatric fractures follow-ups from the University of Kentucky and other referrals for orthopaedic issues in numbers we hadn't had before.  When I'd been a data entry clerk, I'd helped out with patient access when three women went on maternity leave at once.  So I didn't have to be trained as much as a temporary worker, and they'd have more faith in giving me access to the electronic medical record system (at that time it was Cerner; we recently went to Epic).  I did contract work from May 2017 to October and was hired on again in the job I was performing, check out.  The next spring I was hired as a specialist to do insurance authorisations of office visits and schedule offsite imaging such as ultrasounds and MRIs.  Two weeks later the lady training me's husband got the best job offer he'd ever had, one tailored and created for him in a very small niche area, and they had two weeks to go to another state.  So I wound up getting her job, which was basically the same, although authorising surgeries, as we have an ambulatory surgical centre as well as medical and rehabilitation clinics, although it was a higher grade.  Eventually, we wound up changing the positions so the coordinator (me) did all the pre-authorisations, and the specialist did both offsite scheduling and their authorisation.  That will become important, as this summer HQ took over all inside authorisations, i.e., what I was doing, but my boss (who is great) argued that they keep me on in another position that had opened up, back in checkout.  Although it is technically a lower grade, they kept it a lateral move so I wasn't demoted or taking a pay cut.  For which I'm grateful.  HR and my boss really went to bat for me.

I had a panic attack shortly before transitioning to the new position, because when I'd done it before I was largely alone, handling up to 200 patients some days, as well as the phones and e-mails.  We have a second person in checkout now and a scheduler who handles most of the rest, letting us focus on checking out and scheduling new appointments, getting calls when we can and acting as a backup when she's out.  So it's much better, and despite being an introvert, I've discovered I enjoy making a difference directly with patients and their families rather than doing it on the back end by wrestling with insurance companies.

But that isn't the point of this post.  It's that I have been doing other things outside of librarianship. Am I still a librarian? Yes, I'm trained, I have a piece of paper that says I am, and I worked 20 years in a professional position beyond work-study and graduate-assistant jobs.  I am still very interested in the library world and books, censorship, publishing, and other library-related topics.  Have I tried to get another library job lately? No. I did when I was laid off, and I did during my return at first, but I discovered three things (in addition to the long-known issue that I live in a city with a school of library and information science that puts out scores of new librarians three times a year, and you almost have to wait for someone to retire or die to get a library job).

1. I was a solo librarian all the time I was in my position. I did all aspects of library work.  That's great, right? But no one wants to give me an entry-level job because of my experience and won't give me a mid-career job because I've never supervised anyone except some students over the years.
2. Of the libraries in my area, most (except for the University of Kentucky and the Lexington Public Library) pay less for master's-level library salaries than I make at checkout at my current job.
3. No one I've seen has had the level of health coverage that I have. I have an HMO that doesn't require referrals, never have had problems with them covering any of the doctors I have across multiple systems, has a deductible of only $150 (which I've already met for this year) and an out-of-pocket maximum of $1500. That, along with a flexible spending account, means that I have money on January 1st to cover my out-of-pocket max that hits quickly with my medications (I'm diabetic, on insulin, among other things).  I usually put a little more on the card for contacts and maybe some dental work.  The money is taken out of my pay pre-tax in instalments over 26 paycheques.  Considering most of the places I've looked at have a minimum of $3000 deductibles, I can't beat that, really.  (Our workplace also offers a high-deductible plan for those who don't need the breadth of healthcare coverage I do, such as occasional trips to the doctor or maybe one or two medicines, that are lower in cost per paycheque). Although mine's not bad, either.  Essentially, I work mostly for my healthcare.

So my plan, if I can, is to retire from here. For one, I love my co-workers and what I do.  But I have twelve more years before I can retire fully.  Sixty-two isn't really an option, due to needing healthcare.  Sixty-five might be, so I could go on Medicare, and that's ten years away.  I'd make a little less for the rest of my life, but 1) my health is not the best, so I don't want to push it out too far so I can actually enjoy some of my retirement and 2) I have one of those rare things, nowadays, a pension, that could make up the shortfall.  I don't know if social security will even be a thing by then, but hopefully, it will.  Gods, it bothers me that I'm Gen X and I'm already looking at how my retirement will go.

Sometimes I regret not working in a library anymore. I derived a lot of validation in my identity as a librarian, and I found the work very rewarding. As a medical librarian, I helped with research, education, and clinical care that made a difference in evidence-based outcomes.  I was a member of various local, state, and national groups and served on committees, and chaired a couple, including a national awards jury. I was my state representative to the Midwest region of the National Network of Libraries of Medicine for five years, going annually to represent the Commonwealth in Chicago, except for the year I was laid up a few months due to being hit by a car right before the trip.  So I gained a lot of experience.  I published a book chapter, two chapters in a major medical collection development guide, spent over a decade working on Doody's collection development tool for Orthopaedics and Paediatric Nursing and wrote one article and numerous book reviews.  I think I have a total of 43 publications, all but one as a medical librarian (as an intern at the Kentucky state archives, I did a finding aid under my former name). It was a good run.

So, I will always be a librarian to the core, and the Rabid Librarian at that.

Sigh

It's been a long while. I've posted almost 12,000 times on this blog for over 20 years, but I haven't felt like writing for some time. That makes me sad. I've gotten caught up with life and I'd been relying mostly on my phone for Internet interaction, and it was just harder to do that, for one.  I have a laptop though now AND I just got a folding table big enough to write, read, do crafts, etc., on, rather than having a computer on a stool and being uncomfortable in my chair because I had to put a leg on either side.

I do post a lot on Facebook, and that's for people I'm friends with, and almost all of them are people I know personally, with the exception of a few librarians.  I guess I feel safer there in some ways than over-sharing to the great world beyond.  I know, that hasn't stopped me in the past. But I'm 55 now and a little wiser than when I started.

So let's see...I think I last wrote in February.  We got a puppy then and she was so tiny at 8 weeks that she could go between the slats of the picket fence.  Now she's nine months old, and she's nearly 50 lbs.  She finally has a big girl bark, is very tall and long and lanky, and generally is getting very big.  My roommate thinks she's part Lab (that part is obvious, as she has webbed toes and Labrador waterproofing) and part Doberman, much like the dog he had when I first met him over 30 years ago.  I'm leaning towards part Great Dane with her build, but he is probably right.  She's a joy, very enthusiastic, loving, and a good companion to the other dog, who is a Lab/Pit cross and now much smaller than her.

Healthwise I'm dealing with ageing.  I've lost 50 lbs. since early November and 28 of that was from late December on.  (I was put on a different diuretic in November and I swear 20 lbs. came off because I am a sponge.)  I'm on medicine now called Ozempic for my diabetes, but it helps with weight loss and I'm doing pretty well on it, despite early side effects.  I just went up to the maintenance dose.

I do need to lose weight because I have chondromalacia, which is a loss of cartilage in the joint.  My knees are to the point of being bone-on-bone and I need a bilateral knee replacement, but I need to lose another 40 or so pounds.  They'd like my BMI to be under 40, but 45 is a hard stop and I'm 48 now.  So I need to work harder because I'm in a lot of pain and it's very difficult to walk very far.  I do have an ADA placard for out in the community.  I had one at the university but they only gave me a temporary one as they couldn't read my GP's handwriting. I had him redo it and resubmitted it, but they denied my request.  I have a couple of weeks to submit records, which I've requested, and perhaps I can get one on appeal.  You can't just park in a spot on campus without their specific hangtag, you see...my state-issued placard doesn't do a thing.  And they're pretty tough.  One of my former co-workers used a prosthetic leg and they made him send over records, and he finally got it. I've had it all summer, though, and it's been a godsend.  Without it I'm going to have to walk probably a quarter of a mile from my car to the bus stop and back, and that is very difficult and painful.

I'm also most likely going to have my gall bladder out soon. I go to a surgery consult the first week of September.  They'd found gallstones on an MRI of my liver but I was asymptomatic until I had fried fish and was in extreme distress for a week.  I'm a little leery of this. Even with the weight loss, I weigh about 280 lbs., so lots of visceral fat and higher mortality chances with any abdominal surgery.  Hopefully, it will be laparoscopic, as I don't want to miss much work.

Next week will mark the five-year anniversary since I moved in with my roommate.  All in all it's gone very well, surprisingly well, actually. Neither of us were particularly sure about the move and living together.

At work, headquarters took over my surgery and outpatient visit authorisations, leaving me without a position, but my boss (who's only been here a few months) really went to bat for me, and they did a lateral move into a position I've had before that is technically a few rungs down, but because of the way they did it, I didn't lose my pay, although I'm on the high end of the scale for this one.  I'm back in checkout.  One day before I moved I had a panic attack, because when I did it before, I was alone for the better part of a year, did the phone and e-mails, and generally had trouble keeping up.  Now there are two people at checkout (although my work buddy, who is very bubbly, is moving to registration, so they're trying to hire someone for the checkout position that's open), and one person who's job is to schedule phone and e-mail requests, letting me focus on the patients and families for the most part.  So it's actually been nice.  Not as much pressure and I get to interact with families and see the improvements in patients' lives. I do, being an introvert, get drained by too much interaction, but I also find it satisfying in this case.  So everything's going much better than it could have.

I've been working every day on a series of exercises to help keep my mind sharp.  There's Wordle and Latin Wordle, plus I'm studying languages on Duolingo.  I'm trying to brush up on my rusty Spanish, German, and Latin, plus I'm taking Irish and Welsh.  I was going to try to learn Modern Hebrew (I've studied Biblical Hebrew), but that wasn't going well, as the characters were very small, and it just wasn't clicking. I'm going to take my Biblical Hebrew and do some work on that instead and then go back to the modern after I get a grip on the ancient language.  But I'm getting through the ones I've studied before pretty quickly and understand more than I thought.  My grammar is actually still pretty good, it's just the vocabulary that I'm having to pick up again.  German is extremely easy, even though I haven't had it since 1985.  Latin is my most-studied language (5 semesters, including Mediaeval as well as the normal Classical, plus a little Humanist), so it's going well, although there are a lot of angry parrots in this one. (To be fair, Hebrew had a dove that liked warm wine--you can see why I was having trouble).  I've already used a little Spanish to check a person out at work without having to use the video interpreter, and I asked one of the in-person interpreters what the word for 'stickers' is and put it on my bulletin board because the kids love those.

Okay, I guess I'll sign off for now. I'm on vacation. No plans, not going anywhere, but I took the week off between now and Labor Day.  I'm hoping to get some rest and work on some new hobbies and actually do some reading.

And for some reason my neighbours are setting off fireworks for no discernable reason.

Taking a bit of a break

I'm the last one at my office. It's been a very productive day, but I'm starting to run out of steam, so I was hoping giving my attention to something other than sheets of paper with codes and encounter numbers would help before going back to it.  I've requested a lot of clinical notes and I'm hoping I'll get those and can put in some more requests.  If not, I've got some paperwork to do involving putting information into two different spreadsheets.

On Monday I have an ophthalmologist visit and field of vision test in the morning, so I have parking at the hospital. Yay!  Parking days bring joy kind of like jeans day (every Friday is jeans day at work, along with certain other days throughout the year).  And then on Tuesday I have two virtual appointments shortly after work, so I'll clock out and stick around for a telehealth visit with my psychiatrist and a phone call from my health insurance care manager, which should be right after one another.  There are lots of appointments this month, and I rescheduled three just to keep it from being more than I could count on one hand.  But not all are during working hours, and I've been pretty lucky to get ones that are early or late.  I was afraid I'd be going back to a doctor with my foot yesterday.  I stretched to get something from atop the refrigerator, and being short, I overstretched, and my Achilles tendong went pop! pop! pop! It's a little sore today, but not bad, so I'm hoping I didn't do anything to it.  The older I get, I really should keep an orthopaedist on speed dial.

Okay, that was a quick 15 minutes.  Now for the final push through the work of the day.

Tonight

my roommate cooked a lovely meal, we had a good time watching 'Murdoch Mysteries' during dinner (it was the one with William Shatner of all people as Mark Twain), and I've finally gotten all the dishes either washed or a load running in the dishwasher, the linens are put in the laundry, and I've got the bread in the oven. Last week's bread dough was like cake batter when it came out, and I had to put a LOT of flour in it to make it work.  This time, since it's been raining this evening, I put about 2 oz. less water in it than the normal cup.  The dough came out much better, a bit stiff, but it rolled well into the coils and it rose reasonably well.  We'll see how it comes out. I've got another 13-15 minutes left.  I really, really want to go on to bed, an I just have to go that little bit of time before putting the bread in the upper oven to cool and turning off the lower one.  Just 15 minutes.  It seems like an eternity.  So here I am, whiling the time away on the Internet.

It was a good day. I got a lot done, including some things that were on the back burner but needed to be done.

I found a raw amethyst pendant at UK on my way home, set in a silver setting.  There wasn't anyone around and it was outside, so there was no lost and found to turn it in to.  It wasn't anything expensive, just maybe sentimental.  It feels like a jangly mess whenever I hold it in my hand, so if I keep it, I definitely need to cleanse it or something.  But it is nice.  I've had things I've found and lost again like this; I think sometimes things just go through a variety of hands over their existence.

Three more minutes. Actually, I'm going to check now, as the loaves are poufier but shorter than usual.  But if I don't blog any more tonight, have a wonderful evening.

My day started rather rough

 My neck has been hurting quite a bit, and it's making pain and parasthesia going down through my arms, which has been quite annoying. So last night I took my dose of muscle relaxants I keep just for such an occasion. Tizanidine is really mild, and they're only 4 mg pills, but I take three at a time as directed.  Usually when I take them, the next morning I wake up early and refreshed, ready to go.  Not this morning.  I was sluggish, kept falling asleep and hitting snooze. I start my alarms (there are several) at 6 am so I can get up by 7 am at the latest.  It takes 15 minutes for me to shower and 15 minutes to get ready, then a 10 minute drive and 20 minutes between walking to the bus stop, taking the shuttle, and walking from the bus stop at the University of Kentucky emergency department.  So I realised that I was, indeed, going to be late when I finally crawled out of bed just before 7:30 am.

I took a shower, got dressed, grabbed my lunch, got in the car, took my COVID screening on my phone, and texted my supervisor and my manager.  Then I drove carefully to UK's Orange Lot. Right as I was getting ready to go through the second roundabout, I thought about combing my hair (I drive with both windows down), and I realised that I didn't have my comb, or my crossbody purse, just my backpack (and yes, there's a brush in the backpack, but that's beside the point.)  So I told me, that's fine, just don't get pulled over or get into an accident, as you don't have your licence with you.  I'm pretty poor right now, as it's right before payday, so I wasn't planning on spending money at least, and I did bring my lunch.  All good, right?  I had my phone and my receiver for my continuous glucose monitor.

So I parked and was getting my jacket on (it was raining a bit) and then it hit me. My badge was in my purse.

Yesterday I'd put my badge holder on a new lanyard one of my co-workers brought back from the beach. Because, unlike the one I usually use, it has a reel and snap joint for clipping in onto the lanyard, I'd decided to keep it in my purse rather than put in on for the trip, because I didn't want to take a chance of losing it at UK. It's $15 to replace the suckers.  The reason for that is they double as a proximity card, so in addition to clocking in and out, they get us through various locked doors (and my office happens to be one you have to badge into) AND you can't get into the computer and get to all your files unless you have yours.  And of course, then I left the whole purse, which is only big enough for my wallet, keys, lip balm, hand sanitiser, and glucose tabs, really.  I'd left it on a stool near my bed at home.  But if I'd gone to work, I wouldn't have actually been able to work, and I'd have to fork over money I didn't have to get a new one.

I called my boss and basically asked, since I was already going to be late (although it would have been maybe by five, ten minutes tops) if I could go back home and get my badge, and she said that was fine. So I got back in the car, went home (obeying all traffic laws) got my purse, made sure my badge was in it, drove back (which was interesting, as a jogger crossed against our green turn light and some yahoo in a truck in the oncoming lane decided he was supposed to go, too, so he ran a red light, nearly hitting the car in front of me, who had yielded to the jogger, who looked to be in his 60s and was certainly old enough to know how to cross a street and obviously just didn't care).

I got to work 45 minutes late, but got started on my work, and actually got a bit ahead today, so it was a pretty decent day all told.  But it was a little sketchy there for a bit.

Tomorrow I need to really be on my game because I have a meeting at 11 am and I have to prepare a couple of spreadsheets.  The other person who reads the material won't be there tomorrow, so I'll read both weeks of summaries.  I've gotten very good at pronouncing the word 'hemiepiphysiodesis' due to this meeting.  Wednesdays morning are usually me preparing for it, as she does her part the afternoon before.  After the meeting, I plan to get as far as I can on authorisations (I have a couple to do for this week, and then it's on to next week). I'd like to get a minimum of two to three weeks out this week, and preferably a month out, and then fill in the new visits or added ones.  I also need to work on some denials and do some housekeeping in terms of putting data into other spreadsheets so I can file some paperwork.  That doesn't all have to be done tomorrow afternoon, but it would be great if I could get some of it done this week.  I've been working really steadily and my days are certainly full; there's never really boring downtime some people have in their jobs.  There's always a lot to do.  But since we shuffled our duties between a co-worker and myself so she both schedules and authorises offsite imaging and I authorise surgeries and office visits, my anxiety has gone way down.  Scheduling was a juggling job that kept me constantly worrying about details of whether something would work, and it took a whole lot of time.  I hope she's doing okay.  We back each other up, though, so the other day I did both jobs and it wasn't too bad becuase it was a little quieter on the offsite front, at least, and I only had to schedule the urgent ones.

I guess I should sign off here.  I will try to write more.  I've been listening to Pandora, but I have a book I'm reading (or, as my roommate puts it, a computer file, as it's a Kindle book out of the library) that is fiction (something I've been struggling to read of late), over 300 pages, and I'm over halfway now.  It's called The Curious Charms of Arthur Pepper by Phaedra Patrick. It's about a widower who finds a charm bracelet of his late wife which turns out to lead him on an adventure learning more about the woman he loved and the life she had before they met.  I'm really enjoying it.  The writing is very pleasant and the story drew me in.  It's taken me a couple of weeks to get this far, as it's hard to make time, but I checked it out again so I have it for another two weeks. Yay! Hopefully I can finish  before it's due.

Oh, I got to do a librarian thing today, finding out some information for a co-worker that involved calling an oral history centre and finding out how to access their materials.  It was fun.  That part of my life seems like it's in the past now, but it's still nice to be able to do things like that occasionally, plus I learned about some resources I didn't know about.

Okay, I really am going to sing off her for now.  Good night.

Ice storm!

A bottle of deicer I bought on Amazon and had delivered last week got me to work this morning, a little late, but overall it went pretty well. I got the car door open within a couple of minutes.  It took another hour or so to get the windows as clear as I could of ice, and then a slow trip for the four miles to work.  I usually clock in at 8:30 am, and I made it there between 9:10 and 9:30 am (I'm not sure of the exact time, as I was kind of tired by that time and was just thankful to have made it to the Orange Lot at UK, walked to the shuttle, rode the shuttle, and then walked from the other side of the UK hospital to my workplace.   The only dicey part actually was crossing South Limestone at Conn Terrace, especially as the sidewalks were clear and salted, but didn't have the little bit of snow on them for traction.  The pictures are of what I found outside the house this morning.  The trickiest part was getting the limb off the porch without falling off the porch.  This is now the fifth major ice storm I've been in (four in Kentucky, one in South Carolina of all places, with seven inches of snow right outside Myrtle Beach, where I lived when I was about five because there was an Air Force base there). Anyway, I managed to get a lot of work finished because there weren't many e-mail of phone call interruptions. :) I got home after 6:30 pm because I had to go to the pharmacy (I was out of insulin pen needles), get gas, and get a few things at the grocery.  It was definitely re-freezing once the sun was down.  Now I'm safely at home, letting the bread dough rise, and thankful to be inside.  We lost power for just a couple of hours last night. Fingers crossed, I hope we don't have a repeat, as I couldn't sleep without my CPAP that whole time. 

Also, a big thank you to the gentleman who, seeing me struggle to spray and pry ice off of my gas cap cover for five minutes, help me get the last of it off so I could open my tank and fill up. 

Meltdown

I'm afraid I'm about to overshare, but try to understand what it's like living with issues such as anxiety, bipolar II, and ADHD all at once, all of which are normally quite in balance and do not easily reach the tipping point thanks to modern medicine.

So today had such promise, but it wound up being Lisa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It was even our holiday celebration at work (socially distanced and virtual even), and I wore red and black and a jolly Santa hat with a bell on it, but I am so terribly overwhelmed at work at the moment that I didn't let myself take part in the festivities or even enjoy our provided lunch [well, yes, the brownie was good]. It didn't help that I missed my oral meds last night, and because of that, when I went to take them this morning, my holder was empty, because I didn't realise it needed to be filled. So I didn't have the medications that help me focus with ADHD or the ones that keep me from being anxious and falling apart in an emotional mess. Don't get me wrong, anyone would be overwhelmed (I think I've gotten over 25 offsite requests to schedule this week and had several others in-progress). But no amount of breathing or trying to put things into little chunks helped. I did get a lot done, even so, better than a normal day in some ways and worse in others. But I felt absolutely horrible the whole day, had a terrible headache, and didn't relax at all, feeling like a hamster spinning in a wheel while drowning all at once. Most people went home early, and I was going to stay my full shift, but after I started catching small errors I was making, I decided I had to call it a day and left about 45 minutes early, as I was absolutely no good for anything at that point and wasn't going to get anything else accomplished and just might make it worse. So I tried to focus on what I did get done, but on the shuttle to my car there I was, in a Santa hat with a jingle bell, just crying. It's a good thing I had a mask on.

But a couple of nice things happened today. I won parking for a week in March. A man let me go (with my one item) before him at the line at Kroger, where they were really backed up. I got home and had Sabbath dinner, and it was really nice, vegetarian tsimmes with carrots, honey, and raisins, Quorn roast, cranberry sauce, and challah. The company was good. My roommate was very supportive and encouraging, even when he called me at work to see if I was able to stop by the store, and he realised how fragile I was feeling. So the day is ending on a better note. Monday I'll try to hit the ground running with the phone calls I need to make. Tomorrow is another day, and in this case, tomorrow is the weekend, so I'm going to focus on resting and getting back on my schedule. This is the worst I've felt since August, when I had to ask my doctor to change my medicine because I was in a very dark place and was a bit of a danger to myself briefly, something that surprised my doctor, as I'd been completely stable as long as he'd treatment me over the last decade. Since we made the adjustments I've been fine, at worst a little stressed. That worked for a good solid three months. But I missed two doses and it all fell apart. I hate to think that I'm that fragile. But it does mean I need to be more proactive in self-care, definitely.

I understand why my break wasn't bad enough for surgery

I finally got out my old external DVD-ROM drive, as my laptop is new enough it just has an SD card slot for removable storage, and put in the CD that has my x-rays on it. I understand why, while it hurts and is making me limp, I can still bear weight on a broken ankle. Yes, it is a medial malleolar fracture, which is a broken bone in the ankle joint on the inside of the ankle. I had one on my right ankle when I got hit by a car years ago, but that was due to a lot more force and a different subtype of fracture. It took me a little while to see the broken part on this one...it's just a little bit on the end of the tibia, which isn't all that integral to bearing weight and doesn't require surgery. Here's the image, with the broken bit on the left tip of bone:

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, of course, but it is much milder than my fracture of the right ankle eight years ago. And thankfully, being on the left, it doesn't affect my driving. I am taking the boot off and just leaving an ACE bandage wrapping, sock, and shoe on while driving, but I drive an automatic so the left foot is not used.

I went back to work today, had a very productive day, and despite being physically tired after walking all over the place in a boot, I feel good about going back.