Haven't done this in awhile

From Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, Book II, number III.

Do soul, do; abuse and contemn thyself; yet a while and the time for thee to respect thyself will be at an end. Every man's happiness depends from himself, but behold thy life is almost at an end while affording thyself no respect, thou dost make thy happiness to consist in the souls, and conceits, of others.

In other words, you grant the power to external validation, not to the internal, which is most important. Your opinion of yourself, your self-esteem, is more important than the thoughts and opinions of others. I have such a hard time with this. Recently I had a review where someone who barely knew me made some terribly incorrect assumptions about my motivation and ability to do my work, which was very disheartening, and it made me feel very bad about myself. Or, rather, it was the trigger, but I made myself feel bad. I felt useless like I'd wasted 27 years of investment in my workplace for nothing.

But we have power over that and only that. No one has the right to really expect their opinion to make or shape you, and more importantly, you should never give control of your life over to someone else, because no one can truly know you as you know yourself, at least if you've tried to gain some insight into your life. Right?

Okay

I said I’d write more later while I was blogging from my phone in the middle of last night. Here’s the thing:

I saw my psychologist on Tuesday, and as we talked, I explained that although some things have come up that are stressors, physically I am doing much better about taking care of myself, such as taking my medicine and checking my blood sugars, and I’m trying to spend a little more time doing self-care and find a balance between work, my friends’ needs, and my own. I off-handedly mentioned that in addition to sending my endocrinologist my blood sugar values and medicine doses each week, I’d flipped the page over and taken last week and written down everything I’d eaten. I’ve tried to do that using phone applications, and I do really well for breakfast and lunch, especially on weekdays, but then slack off after work. Well, writing things down by hand seemed somehow to make things more ‘real’, and I didn’t let up on my resolve to get everything in. And what stared back at me in cold, hard truth, is that I binge eat at night, something I knew, but desperately tried to ignore or deny to myself, and something I’ve never really talked to anyone about, but I know my best friend knows, and occasionally he’ll make allusions to it. But I don’t remember ever really talking openly to him about it. And it is worse the ‘better’ I am at keeping track or limiting things during the day. It’s like I keep it together all day and then have a calorie blowout, several times a week, almost always at night.

My counselor gave me one of those Health Monitor booklets on binge-eating to go through. It gives the symptoms, treatments, and stories of people who overcame it. I was embarrassed, but I took it. I didn’t actually read it until the next day, when I had some quiet time. Since dieting seemed to make it worse, but many people who binge eat do need to lose weight, I was interested in how I should go about doing it. So what does a librarian do when faced with something like this? Of course, she looks for books. I remembered taking a class years ago through work with a book called You Count, Calories Don’t. I still have that. I also found a couple of books at the library that sounded promising, one on intuitive eating (mindfully paying attention to hunger and eating for sustenance and to ease hunger, rather than mindless eating), and I also saw one on binge-eating. There were also a couple of e-books that looked good, and I put holds on them. But there was one I could get through the library called The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl, (which was the result of a blog by that name) and that one I downloaded, and I began to read. The author, Shauna Reid, is Australian, growing up in a rural area on farm. But there were a lot of similarities in terms of our family life, our relationship with food, and so on. I only read the first couple of chapters that gave the background to the problem. The rest is about her quest to find the person who had been eclipsed by all that weight (she weighed even more than I do). I’m still reading. But it was like a giant lump rose in my throat after reading what I had. I can’t say it was truly an epiphany; it’s not like I didn’t know I overate. But just how much of my psyche was damaged with food as my main source of easing my issues hadn’t really sunk in. Now it did, and it took me aback.

So that evening I went to the Tates Creek library and checked out the two physical books that looked good, and then I went over and picked up A so we could try to work out at my complex gym (a tale in and of itself, and a humourous one at that, but I won’t go into it quite yet). Afterwards, we went by the store and he ran in and got a few groceries they needed. On the way to his house, I told him about my bingeing. Now, A is in a programme himself to deal with some of his issues, and the first thing he said after I confessed it was, ‘it’s good that you’re talking about it; that’s how to get through things that concern us.’ Basically, I was taking a first step to recovery, if you want to call it that.

So tonight I plan to do some reading. But also, today, I’ve tried to be mindful in my food choices. Nothing’s been forbidden per se, but I have mostly made healthier choices, and yet I didn’t feel like I was depriving myself of anything. All in all, I ate less than normal. And at lunch I saved a couple of items completely and ate them later in the day because my eyes were bigger than my stomach, so to speak—even though I had a late breakfast due to an appointment with my podiatrist, I got stuff that sounded good, but then, when I was full—and I was paying close attention to it—I simply stopped eating, and then took my food and asked one of the cafeteria workers to wrap it for me. I ate a side dish as a snack later in the day, and then ate the rest of the main dish right before I left work and went to physical therapy. So that was good. And then after PT tonight I ran by the store to get YKWIA milk, and did a little grocery shopping, and I did buy one sweet thing (pumpkin and chocolate chip cookies). Everything else was healthy. While I gave myself permission to eat the cookies even though they’re sweet and fattening, I only ate two, because 1) I’d become full after my dinner and 2) I felt okay just eating the two, not like I had to eat a whole box for some reason. Fortunately it’s also payday; the lower my food gets in the house, the more I actually eat, out of panic, rather than rationing, which is what most people would do. So that’s where I am right now, pleasantly full on two (not three) small burritos, some fruit, and two cookies, as opposed to last night, where I had a box of macaroni and cheese (that’s three servings), a can of vegetarian chili, a can of lima beans, two veggie burgers with cheese, and the Kroger version of Nutella, right out of the jar. It was crazy—and that was after being told about the eating disorder and recognising that I have it. It’s actually been worse before.

Treatment normally consists of cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy (which I’ve undergone before, and still have the manual to fall back on and practice with), as well as other forms of therapy with a mental health professional. Also, there is one medicine that has been approved for it, but I’m not sure it would be good for me to be on it. On the one hand, it is also used for ADHD, which I have, but in people who are bipolar or depressed, it can make symptoms worse, including suicidal ideation. It’s also a controlled substance, being a type of amphetamine, meaning that to be on it, you have to pee in a cup every month, or at least that’s what someone I know does to keep his Adderall prescription going.

So that’s my story. In order to be healthy, I need to not focus on losing weight, but rather take a look at my relationship with food (and exercise) and come up with a plan for weight loss based not on the calories, or the scale, or the like, but rather being mindful, reducing distractions, and making better choices both in food and activity. The last time I lost a significant amount of weight, I wasn’t really trying, but I think I did those things, until I got stressed and fell back into old habits. So here’s to taking what one paper I read called a ‘weight-inclusive’ view towards healthy weight and how to attain it and ‘normative weight’, meaning all the stuff we hear about diets, etc. Both require dedication and someone who enjoys trying to improve life, no matter how much of an uphill battle it seems to be. I must do everything in my power to become that person.

Okay, this is a long post—time to sign off for the night. I’m getting a little sleepy, despite some late caffeine. Good night.

So I finished the following book today

and I must say, it was very enlightening. It's called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck. In it Dweck asserts that there are two basic mindsets: fixed and growth. Those with a fixed mindset believe that intelligence and talent are set at birth, that talent means you should be able to do something without effort, and thus putting effort into school or other activities shows you're actually not smart or talented. It's a very judging, black and white mentality. It's all about proving your'e perfect, the best, and so you don't take risk or try something hard, because you might fail. The growth mindset, on the other hand, rises to challenges, rebounds from disappointments, and fundamentally keeps trying (through honest effort) until something is learned or achieved.

The book is full of people who are examples of of each mindset, whether CEOs of companies, athletes, or students in school. Much of the book goes into the description of the mindsets, but there's also a part on how to change your mindset from fixed to growth, to become a learner rather than a non-learner, to expand the possibilities in your career, education, and relationships with others. It was recommended by my psychologist, who instantly picked up that I have a very fixed mindset. According to Dweck, these mindsets are often apparent in kindergartners. We shower children with praise for being smart or being talented, without praising them for hard work and effort, and as a result, they become fixed in their mindset, afraid that by failing they will lose that adulation and that they will, in essence be failures (rather than simply failing, two totally different things). This was the most important passage for me personally, the one that had the most meaning for me, from page 225:

They [Karen Horney and Carl Rogers] believed that when young children feel insecure about being accepted by their parents, they experience great anxiety. They feel lost and alone in a complicated world. Since they're only a few years old, they can't simply reject their parents and say, "I think I'll go it alone." They have to find a way to feel safe and to win their parents over. Both Horney and Rogers proposed that children do this by creating or imagining other "selves," ones that their parents might like better. These new selves are what they think the parents are looking for and what may win them the parents' acceptance.

Furthermore, the child then, having created this perfect self, both confuses their creation with their real self and also feels like if they can't live up to that perfect self, they are worthless. This so explains something about me. I was desperate for my parents' approval, and never felt I was good enough to win it, but tried to be the perfect 'good girl'. Over time, when I did not feel loved, I simply decided that I there was apparently something terribly wrong with me, and I didn't deserve it. Like those with fixed mindsets in Dweck's book, I coasted for a long time, being the smart kid who didn't really need to expend effort, and then I hit college, and things got a lot harder. With a growth mindset, I could have done so much more in school. Yes, I got a bachelor's, and even a master's degree. I failed to get the PhD I wanted because of several factors, including anxiety and other mental issues, but primarily because of mindset. I wish I'd read this book 30 years ago, that it had been around then. But it's not too late to cultivate a growth mindset--and burn the 'good girl' perfect creation in effigy and reclaim myself, the smart, great kid that many people would have loved to have had, but unfortunately was practically raised by wolves. Reading this book, and especially that section, was a 'wah-wah' moment, like Helen Keller and the water at the pump. It neatly put together the very things YKWIA has been trying to teach me about myself for years. That's why I'm glad I took that Amazon credit and got this on my Kindle--I should re-read the part of the book on builidng a growth mindset frequently. This way, it's almost always with me. :)

I am glad I stopped by the library

after getting my allergy shots, as I had about a dozen books to take back, and they had a book in the new section that I've really wanted to read, but haven't been able to buy yet. It's called Pioneer Girl: The Annotated Autobiography by Laura Ingalls Wilder and Pamela Smith Hill. I always loved the Little House... books by Wilder and also the television series, so I was happy to check it out. The checkout system was a little different this time; they've upgraded the screens and software for the self-checkout. I liked it, once I got used to the different setup (I continued when I should have scanned the book; fortunately it let me go back).

Once I got home, I immediately watered the plants inside and out, which were looking a bit peaked. Speaking of water, there is a large hole in our parking lot with caution stuff all over it that I presume has to do with the water pipes, because I received a notice that our water will be turned off between 10 am and 3 pm on Monday, which is fine with me--I'm at work. But for the night shift folks and others who are home for the day, that's going to be an annoyance.

Work today was very satisfying. I ordered 20 books for the library, about 10 for the family resource centre, and a bunch of children's books for the early literacy project. I'm glad I didn't have any trouble with the ordering software, which runs through Internet Explorer. I had to have them upgrade to IE10 yesterday because I couldn't run any search, even simple ones, in PubMed on IE8, and they said it could cause an issue with our purchasing system (hence why most people are on an old, old version of the browser), but everything went through alright. After lunch I got through all my sheets, OR charge reconciliation, and got the referral queue down before the report comes out on Monday. On Tuesday I have a couple of reports due regarding grant programmes, so I'll be very busy on Monday, finishing that up. :) On Thursday there's my ergonomic assessment, where they'll check out my desk and work area for problems that may be causing or contributing to some of my issues.

I don't have a lot planned this weekend, but we are going out to the Indian buffet at Masala in Beaumont tomorrow. Then there will be the store, and working on the game notes (although I may try to do the latter at least partly tonight). Sunday is the game. We're on a new adventure set in 16th-century Spain.

I also want to do some reading tonight. I'm reading a book right now that is pretty interesting, on how our mindsets affect learning and success. My counselor had suggested it, and I finally got a hold of the book from the library. Then the other day I found out I had a credit from Amazon regarding the e-book class action suit, and used it to get the book on my Kindle, as I suspect I may want to refer back to it again. It's by a psychologist named Carol Dweck, and is called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. I'm finding it very insightful regarding my own mindset and life.

Okay, my back is hurting somewhat, so rather than taking some ibuprofen, I'm going to try to stretch out on the bed for just a little bit (without going to sleep). That often helps.

I see this (and to a certain extent do this) daily

although I do move my bag if the seats are getting scarce and let someone sit down, then 50% of the time ignore them blankly. Still, I do chat with other riders on occasion and as the mood hits me. I would not survive in New York, and I would be quickly labelled a target, because I'm not inured to commuting to the point of ignoring all aspects of my fellow travellers. :) Of course, as the researcher points out, we don't really ignore them--we take great pains to appear to.

Strangers On a Bus: Study Reveals Lengths Commuters Go to Avoid Each Other

Kim found that the greatest unspoken rule of bus travel is that if other seats are available you shouldn't sit next to someone else. As the passengers claimed, "It makes you look weird." When all the rows are filled and more passengers are getting aboard the seated passengers initiate a performance to strategically avoid anyone sitting next to them.

Hmmm....yet another way to try to explain evil

From Hitler to Mother Teresa: 6 Degrees of Empathy

Dr. Baron-Cohen, a professor of developmental psychology at the University of Cambridge and director of the university’s Autism Research Center, proposes that evil is more scientifically defined as an absence of empathy, exacerbated by negative environmental factors (usually parental, sometimes societal) and a genetic component. When these three exist in tandem they result in what he calls a Zero-Negative personality. Zero-Negative takes at least three forms (and possibly more), borrowing from terms used in psychiatry: Zero Type P (psychopathology), Zero Type B (borderline disorder) and Zero Type N (narcissism).

Whereas psychiatry groups these three loosely under the term “personality disorders,” Dr. Baron-Cohen proposes that they all share the characteristic of zero degrees of empathy. (His “empathy quotient” scale is available in the book or online, with an instant numerical score that is translated into degrees of empathy from zero to six, or super empathy.)

Out of curiosity, I took the questionnaire, with these results:

Your score: 55
0 - 32 = low (most people with Asperger Syndrome or high-functioning autism score about 20)
33 - 52 = average (most women score about 47 and most men score about 42)
53 - 63 is above average
64 - 80 is very high
80 is maximum

So, I'm no Mother Teresa, but I'm pretty empathetic in the standard sense of the word. I had to score myself lower on some forms of social interaction, because I was late in learning the rules and still sometimes get a little wrapped up in myself rather than listening completely to others' feelings, and I have social anxiety, so I don't easily interact with strangers. I am good at explaining people's (often seemingly irrational) behaviour, and am very 'feelings' based [I score high on that section of the Meyers-Briggs, being an INFP). However, on this questionnaire I score very high when it comes to feelings about animals and empathy for what is going on in terms of news programmes and movies. Not bad for someone with one of those personality disorders (borderline), albeit a relatively high-functioning one.

I do know people who would score very low. One would score in the zero positive range (as would most people with autism), I suspect, even though he is not autistic. A few people in my early life would score low as well, more on the negative side. The questionnaire results don't plot you on the spectrum; I'm inferring from the questions where they would go.

Overall it is an interesting hypothesis, although it certainly does not explain evil completely. I may have to see about getting a look at this book, The Science of Evil by Simon Baron-Cohen, which does have a Kindle edition, although I think I would get it in physical form in case I want to lend it to a friend who has an interest in psychology; it's just a couple of dollars more.

Why do we try to change people's inner natures?

This is a highly disturbing article of what happened to a little boy who was punished for being himself, with the blessing of psychologists with their own agenda, and who later touted him as a successful case while making a career of proving homosexuality could be prevented. Read all the way through to the end, and you'll be disgusted with this whole situation, but particularly with a certain researcher. We'll never know if Kirk Murphy was gay, or just perceived as different as a child. But he was obviously a troubled man, and the beatings for effeminate behaviour, while they cannot be proved as the reason, surely didn't help. That they were done in the name of science makes it so much worse.

Therapy to change 'feminine' boy created a troubled man, family says

Kirk Andrew Murphy seemed to have everything to live for.

He put himself through school. He had a successful 8-year career in the Air Force. After the service, he landed a high profile position with an American finance company in India.

But in 2003 at age 38, Kirk Murphy took his own life.

A co-worker found him hanging from the fan of his apartment in New Delhi. His family has struggled for years to understand what happened.

"I used to spend so much time thinking, why would he kill himself at the age of 38? It doesn't make any sense to me," said Kirk's sister, Maris Murphy. "What I now think is I don't know how he made it that long."

An excellent article about how to prepare for (and survive) a shooting at your library

I read an article today that had good guidelines for what to do in the event of a shooting at your workplace. It was written with libraries in mind, but any place, whether library, campus, hospital, business, etc., would benefit from reading it. I thought it would be helpful in devising education on workplace violence and made the appropriate person aware of the article. It was just published and is available freely under a creative commons licence. Here's the link:

http://journals.tdl.org/llm/article/view/1864/1625

Here's the citation: Kautzman, Amy and Jennifer Little. Active Shooter in the Library: How to Plan for, Prevent, and Survive the Worst (and Selected Bibliography). Library Leadership & Management, Vol 25, No 1 (2011)

The bibliography included this book:

Ripley, Amanda. The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes and Why. New York: Crown Publishers, 2008.

I downloaded the Kindle edition, which incidentally is the first book I've bought for the Kindle that did NOT have text-to-speech enabled. (It also cannot be lent, which is unfortunate, because the person I forwarded the information to does have a Kindle and I would have liked for her to read it when I was finished.) But I digress...

It deals with the psychology involved when people are caught up in disaster, types of reactions, and what helps a person survive. It also stresses the power of interactions within groups and how people going through the emergency really are the first responders. One example she gives of this last point is a gas explosion that ripped through a large part of a city in Mexico a few years ago. People within the community were doing things like jacking up rubble with car jacks and using garden hoses to get air to those trapped, little decisions that meant survival for some. Of those who survived, almost all were recovered within the first two hours. Although emergency response teams were organised, that took time. The first rescue dogs, for example arrived over a day afterwards. Likewise, when looking at the 7/7 bombings in London, it became plain that emergency plans were made for the authorities, not for the people undergoing the emergency. There was no way for passengers to let authorities know of the explosion, the doors could not be opened by passengers, and first aid kits were kept in station offices rather than on the trains themselves. While these were apparent with hindsight, they never were caught in the actual planning scenarios.

Ripley uses interviews with survivors of disasters large and small and experts who work disasters, analyse them, and plan for them, to get a sense of how people do or do not survive disasters. Sometimes, of course, no matter what you do, nothing really can help. But although we put a lot of blame on nature, God, or the authorities, there's very little preparation for the general public on how to react. For example, how many of us have received training on surviving a terrorist attack? Of course not--we're just given colour-coded alerts that frighten us momentarily and then we return to business as usual, as Ripley points out.

I've only read the introduction and part of chapter one and I'm already hooked. I think it will be well worth the read. But you may want to check into it too, if you're interested in psychology, disaster planning, etc. And check out the article, too. Thanks to Susan Yowell for sending the link to the DISASTR-OUTREACH-LIB list.

I wonder what that means for Pagans, since there's nothing inherently Christian about the use of natural trees and lights and many Pagans (and some Christians) believe it to be a Pagan influence on Christmas?

Christmas trees bum non-Christians out, study shows: Even an unspoken reminder of the holiday made some feel subtly excluded

Here's a new twist to the annual "War on Christmas" debate: Reminders of Christmas can make religious minorities feel ill at ease — even if they don't realize it.

When people who did not celebrate Christmas or who did not identify as Christian filled out surveys about their moods while in the same room as a small Christmas tree, they reported less self-assurance and fewer positive feelings than if they hadn't been reminded of the holiday, according to a new study.

Also...

In both versions of the study, the Christmas tree failed to spread holiday cheer equally. Non-celebrators reported fewer positive feelings and less self-assurance in the Christmas room. Christians and celebrators, on the other hand, were mostly cheered by the tree, with one exception: Celebrators reported feeling more guilt when they were in the Christmas room. That finding suggests that even for Christmas-lovers, the holiday can be stressful, Schmitt said.

The religious minorities and non-celebrators weren't looking to be offended by reminders of Christmas, the study found. After the surveys, the researchers explained the goal of the experiment to the volunteers and asked each of them how they thought the presence of the tree might affect their mood. There was no difference between the responses of Christians and non-Christians or celebrators and non-celebrators. All thought Christmas decorations would make them happier.

I think I know why I'm sleeping so much

Today I was in bed by 7:45 pm, ostensibly for a nap, but I just woke up (at 12: 45 am). But for a few minutes before I fell asleep, I texted back and forth with my friend who's in the hospital. And I had a gnosis, of sorts.

I don't know how to be by myself anymore.

For years, I filled up my time with other people's projects. I was always over at friends' houses, partly because they needed me, and partly to avoid being home alone. I'd spent so much time alone when I was growing up. I was the quintessential child who could amuse herself for hours because she had to and didn't know things could be otherwise.

Then I grew up and went to the dorms, then to my relationship with my ex-husband, which lasted six years, although I left the marriage itself after six months. During that time, I pretty much did whatever he wanted, and subsumed my own personality for a time. Then, for the first time I was out on my own, and began to lean heavily on my friends to occupy my time, spending very little time at home, and working very hard at nesting/hoarding in such a way that no one would visit me, but I would go to them.

Now, for the first time in years, I have spare time. But I'm not spending in cleaning, or in hobbies, or reading (although I have read a lot more since July, it's mostly been waiting for the bus or during breaks at work, out and about, rather than at home). I rarely turn on the TV. I come home, I work on the computer, blog, etc., and then I fall asleep. It's been frustrating me since the schedule change in July. I kept thinking I'd just adjust eventually. But it isn't a physical issue or anything. And although it's great to be getting a lot of sleep after years of almost none (good quality sleep at that--my skin is practically glowing, and my blood sugar in the morning is finally at decent norms, and I think that has something to do with it), I'm essentially avoiding being with myself. And that has to stop.

So, I'm going to make a little early resolution to spend time with myself each night and actually enjoy doing productive things, or unproductive ones like TV, for that matter, but mostly productive ones. I'll try to clean a bit, read, do a puzzle, do notes, whatever it takes, and go to bed about 11 or 12 and get up at my norm of 7-8:30 am. Eight hours' sleep should be fine. An occasional sleep in is fine.

A little sick and wrong, but who knows, maybe Freud was right

You Are Sexually Attracted to Your Parents, Yourself

In a series of experiments where subjects viewed photographs of their opposite-sex parent or a photo morphed with their own face, researchers found that people are turned on by photographs of people who resemble their close genetic counterparts.

“People appear to be drawn to others who resemble their kin or themselves,” said psychologist R. Chris Fraley of the University of Illinois, lead author of the study published July 20 in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. “It is possible, therefore, as Freud suggested, that incest taboos exist to counter this primitive tendency.

Hope for easing psychological trauma's effect on the mind

Memory Reconsolidation and What Albert Ellis Knew All Along

Like me, John Medina grew up as an Air Force brat in the Cold War. We're also both interested in psychology, mental health, and social sciences (although I took the sociology route in school). Unlike me, he is a 'developmental molecular biologist with special research interests in the isolation and characterisation of genes involved in human brain development and the genetics of psychiatric disorders' (that's quoted from Wikipedia). He is also the author of several books, including Brain Rules, and writes a blog in which the following post caught my attention, as it deals with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and memory. It was shared by Buffy in my news reader:

The wars currently being waged in Iraq and Afghanistan represent one reason to study PTSD, and in doing so, it could lead to new discoveries which could help both the military and civilian communities.

Many things concern me about our military operations in those theaters, but one of them touches on a professional interest—the growing incidence of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). There are 3 reasons that prick up my research instincts, all springing from this asymmetric warfare.

• First, there are no real “fronts” to many of these operations. As a result, soldiers who used to be able to sit comfortably in the rear (often called the “tail”) are now as exposed to the hazards of combat as those charged with fighting (often called the “tooth”). Consequently, the pool of soldiers who are potential candidates for PTSD has increased. This means the research cohort is getting larger and increasingly better defined.

• Second, soldiers are returning into these asymmetric environments multiple times for very long periods. This provides an opportunity to study the mental health effects of combat over a sustained period of years—valuable for countries such as Somalia and parts of Uganda, which have been in a continuous state of war for decades.

• Third, the number of women exposed to combat is increasing. Since there is growing evidence that men and women process stress very differently, these populations represent valuable research opportunities to ask and answer sex-based questions regarding the effects of combat on behavioral outcomes.

But scientists have found a way to re-set the fear response by using comfort during a window of memory reconsolidation. This discovery could lead to new ways of counseling those exposed to war, rape, and other experiences that lead to PTSD. Read the column to see how the research worked, and what their findings were. It really is fascinating that we could have a 'rewind' button of sorts in dealing with traumatic memories.

From the first movie I ever owned (on VHS, of course)

I bought it actually before I got my VCR, as I was doing a paper on it in a despised class on postmodernism. Pink Floyd's The Wall is not for everyone. I first saw it in the theatre at college and was blown away by its imagery, the psychology, the music. It's one of those movies that makes more sense the more you watch it, but it's sometimes difficult to watch, and it has an effect on the emotions as well.

When I was young, in a sense I had built a wall around myself much like Pink did, and my inner world was brighter on the surface, but there was a lot of anger and pain underneath, mainly due to a feeling of emotional neglect in my childhood. So parts of The Wall really resonated with me. I didn't realise then how depressed I was. Although drugs were never part of my life, I was emotionally numb in many ways, and I connected with this song in particular.

In the movie, the wall comes down and Pink's fate is unknown. I always took a more positive view that he was freed, but he could have spiraled down to death, emotionally and physically. I'm just lucky my own walls have mostly come down, thanks to a wonderful mentor and a lot of hard work. But it's taken over 20 years to do so.

Remembering those who won't be sitting down with their families at the table today

Military families united by tragedies: Mom of suicidal Marine befriends wife of veteran charged with murder

It is essential that we provide care to our veterans, including the hidden menace of post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and other psychological ills. It is the least we can do for their sacrifice, and we should also do it because it is the right thing to do. That's how to support our troops.

One section of the story I found chilling:

Months before his arrest, Windy recalled, a VA counselor told her to get used to having a broken husband.

"She told me, 'Your husband died in Iraq. You're either going to have to deal with that or move on,'" Windy said.

There must be more we can do to prepare these men and women for the horrors of war and to help them deal with the aftermath.

Exploring the inner vision of a pioneer of the mind

The Holy Grail of the Unconscious

This is a story about a nearly 100-year-old book, bound in red leather, which has spent the last quarter century secreted away in a bank vault in Switzerland. The book is big and heavy and its spine is etched with gold letters that say “Liber Novus,” which is Latin for “New Book.” Its pages are made from thick cream-colored parchment and filled with paintings of otherworldly creatures and handwritten dialogues with gods and devils. If you didn’t know the book’s vintage, you might confuse it for a lost medieval tome.

And yet between the book’s heavy covers, a very modern story unfolds. It goes as follows: Man skids into midlife and loses his soul. Man goes looking for soul. After a lot of instructive hardship and adventure — taking place entirely in his head — he finds it again.

Some people feel that nobody should read the book, and some feel that everybody should read it. The truth is, nobody really knows. Most of what has been said about the book — what it is, what it means — is the product of guesswork, because from the time it was begun in 1914 in a smallish town in Switzerland, it seems that only about two dozen people have managed to read or even have much of a look at it.

Of those who did see it, at least one person, an educated Englishwoman who was allowed to read some of the book in the 1920s, thought it held infinite wisdom — “There are people in my country who would read it from cover to cover without stopping to breathe scarcely,” she wrote — while another, a well-known literary type who glimpsed it shortly after, deemed it both fascinating and worrisome, concluding that it was the work of a psychotic.

The book was created by Carl Jung, one of the most prominent names in psychology, and in it are images and words sprung from his own inner turmoil, including his own hallucinations. According to the Early Word, it isn't even published yet, but it's already #4 on the bestselling list at Amazon--and that's at a publisher's price of $195.00 (but the current price at the online retailer is $105.30). It is over 400 pages long and has over 200 colour illustrations. Here's the description listed at Amazon:

The most influential unpublished work in the history of psychology. When Carl Jung embarked on an extended self-exploration he called his “confrontation with the unconscious,” the heart of it was The Red Book, a large, illuminated volume he created between 1914 and 1930. Here he developed his principle theories—of the archetypes, the collective unconscious, and the process of individuation—that transformed psychotherapy from a practice concerned with treatment of the sick into a means for higher development of the personality.

While Jung considered The Red Book to be his most important work, only a handful of people have ever seen it. Now, in a complete facsimile and translation, it is available to scholars and the general public. It is an astonishing example of calligraphy and art on a par with The Book of Kells and the illuminated manuscripts of William Blake. This publication of The Red Book is a watershed that will cast new light on the making of modern psychology.

You think?

Stress of war takes mental toll on military kids: Children of deployed service members at risk of psychological problems

The years-long U.S. commitment in Iraq and Afghanistan is taking a significant toll on the children of service members, who are 2½ times more likely to develop psychological problems than American children in general, new research indicates.

The study, published this week in the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, found that deployment of a parent was correlated to high stress levels in the parent who remains at home, which it said was linked to greater psychological impact on children.

I was a child of Vietnam. At an age when most American children didn't even know what it was, I knew that I might never see my father again. I knew that my mother was terribly stressed and yet I didn't quite understand that there was really little I could do to alleviate the situation. But even then I tended to comfort my mother in the same way a parent comforts a child, and the closeness we developed whilst waiting for my father to return from war was not a healthy one, but one where boundaries were lost. It defined our relationship for many years later.

Meanwhile, I idealised the father I knew from brief assignments home. In all he spent nearly the first six years of my life in and out of Southeast Asia. Having him home full-time, the real father, rather than the daddy I thought was perfect, was a terrible shock. And this was a father who himself was haunted by his experiences, whom we all knew shouldn't be woken suddenly or he may think he was back in combat, that sort of thing. I wish I had known him before that time. Maybe I would still have a relationship with him if that were the case; I don't know.

Back then they gave precious little counseling to soldiers, much less the children of soldiers. I grew up on Air Force bases where Vietnam was rarely if ever mentioned. None of us talked about our fathers (or I suppose in rarer cases, mothers) being in the war and how it affected our home life.

But at least I was raised in the military culture (for good or bad). Many of the soldiers in Iraq or Afghanistan are National Guard. Their children live in nice, normal neighbourhoods where other kids' dads and moms don't necessarily deploy. Other children might not understand. Other adults certainly don't. In many ways, it is even more crucial that children raised off base be given the support needed to deal with a parent at war. Moreover, it is absolutely essential that the remaining parent be given counseling and support to help her or him deal with the added responsibilities, the not knowing, the challenges of raising children alone for awhile, etc.

Maybe my mother would have done better on base. But she always returned home to Kentucky to be with her family when he was away, except for brief TDYs (oops, temporary duty, that is).

Regardless of which service, every person I have known who was a military brat was marked by the experience in some way. In my case I was socially awkward, had no sense of continuity, and was way too close to my mom. There's a reason I have been here in Lexington for 25 years now, a reason I chose to do all my higher education here. I'd been through two kindergartens, two elementary schools, three junior highs, and two high schools before I landed here, all followed by a messy divorce. I had no support system at any point in my life, and I lived in a disconnected family where we shared a roof and little else, with the exception of the emotional connexion I had with my mom. We ate together, but after that, I would read, my mom would do ceramics and other crafts, and my dad would go to his radio room. We never took vacations together. In fact, we never took anything resembling a vacation separately--if anything it was visiting relatives. I lived in all these places (unfortunately no foreign ones; I guess his service in Southeast Asia made it unlikely that he be based in someplace outside the US), but never saw the sights. I never even went to a circus or state fair. (I still have never been to the latter, and at one point in 4-H I had ribbon-winning entries in one.) The dynamics of my family seemed utterly normal to me; I've since come to realise how dysfunctional we were, and how we each had issues that really would have improved with some targeted counseling and possibly medication.

I can't change any of that; I can just deal with my issues as best I can with help. But if there's anything we as a country can do to help children like I was, it is to give aid and support to families of war: support soldiers and give them the best tools to do their jobs; make sure they have good health care (including mental health care) both away and when they return; make sure spouses have a support system and are not isolated, and that they have access to careers rather than temporary jobs that change from post to post; and lastly, but just as important, make sure children of soldiers are supported in the family, at school, through counseling and other activities, so that they may deal with what is very, very frightening as a child. I'm sure it is far worse to lose a parent in the military (I have a friend whose father died in a military plane crash, something that happens both in and out of war), but the fear of losing a parent is almost as bad. Personally, too, I don't believe in giving platitudes and telling children everything will be fine. Isn't it better to address their fears and explain what will happen if the unthinkable does become reality--who will care for them, where they will live, things that children obsess on out of fear. If I were being deployed, too, I'd do whatever I could to encourage my children to express themselves, and create memories, through activities, videos, pictures, etc. Despite the fact that my father and I broke contact years ago, I still have the audio taped letters home he made (except for one my mother erased, the one with shrapnel hitting nearby), the ones that remind me he was 19 and scared and tired and half a world away. They give me a picture of my father I wouldn't have otherwise. Someday I hope they'll help me make sense of him.

Just my two cents' worth.

Well, yes, that's a no-brainer

but it's alarming that the number of psychiatrists who perform psychotherapy rather than just medical management is declining. It can't all be reduced to a pill, although medications can do a lot. I think we rely too much on 'brief supportive visits' such as mentioned in the article for our mental health care. I've only had clinical social workers and trainee psychologists as therapists, and they're a mixed bag. I think I have a decent counselor now, but I sometimes wonder if I don't need fairly intensive psychotherapy from a trained physician.

Long-term psychotherapy is superior, study finds

It's a beautiful day

Reading: Club Dead by Charlaine Harris

although I slept through some of it, given that that Saturday and Sunday nights I had four hours' worth of sleep each and last night I had a complete emotional purge and breakdown when some very deep psychological wounds were opened up and debrided. I think in the long run, I needed it. It let me know some of the things I have to change in my life. I was up pretty late with that, and overwrought, then came home and left my usual monthly libation to Hekate, praying I would find my way. I suppose it's good to approach a Goddess of madness when you're dealing with strong emotions, because afterwards I was calm and drained. As a result, today I overslept by over two hours and missed an appointment that unfortunately wasn't mine to miss (I was taking someone to theirs). So it wasn't a good beginning of the day.

I wound up doing my couple of hours of notes and then coming back home to rest, sleeping from 1 pm to about 5:30. It was nice to have an open window with the sun and a breeze streaming in, the forsythia outside blazing yellow. I went out to get some distilled water, quarters for laundry, and laundry detergent. As I was driving I noticed a big soap bubble drifting on the breeze, then another. Apparently someone was making bubbles, but there was no one in sight. There's no telling how far those bubbles made it. It was a cheering thought.

My clothes are drying now and then afterwards I'm going to head over to a friend's for awhile. In addition to laundry I also did a little organising. I'm trying to find two books. One is a collector's book for those state quarters, of which I have a few to put in. The other is Wizard for Hire, a compilation of the first three books of Jim Butcher's The Dresden Files series. I'd like to read that once I get through re-reading the three Sookie Stackhouse mysteries I own. But I can't find it anywhere...just its dust jacket. I have the second three now and I'd like to finish the first three, but I have to find it first. I actually ventured into my closets, which mainly contain comics and literature/general fiction/children's literature.

I'm off tomorrow (I've actually been off Monday and today, too) for my birthday and I'm thinking of going to the lunch buffet at India Garden, a new Indian restaurant near me. Afterwards maybe I'll sort through and straighten some things and see if I can find those books. I also need to get a haircut and renew my driver's licence soon.

I feel like tomorrow is a new year. I guess it is for me personally. I'll be forty-one. It's time for me to really embrace my age, to let go of the bad things about my childhood (which comprise most of it) and work on doing things I've dreamt about. I need to really get a sense of self, so that I can finally have some self-esteem and perhaps a relationship. I feel so empty sometimes. For years I was a mirror to anyone else who paid the slightest attention to me. I've worked very hard at being what they wanted me to be, to not living up to my own potential so that I would not surpass them, to turning off my brain and refusing to use my intelligence. It's left me with incredible depths of anger and resentment. I tapped into those last night, and they didn't so much scare me as sadden me. I am more than just anger. I am more than just neurons firing randomly to produce emotions. It's like inside I am a charred, twisted child afraid of the light, yet at the same time I have a luminous and good spirit. I need to heal the one and join them together. I haven't been living life very deeply, and I need to while there is still life to live.

Happy New Year

Okay, so I wasn't going to go online tonight, because it's so late and I've been painting a kitchen and utility room most of the day (1st coat, so you can guess what I'll be doing tomorrow, right?)

Then I heard a song on the radio and it kind of resonated with me, so I went online to see who did it and what it was called. Something about the music set things up for a dark, dissonant place. And the song spoke of suicide and feeling like not belonging. That's not how I feel now, but sometimes I do. The song is called 'Never Too Late' by Three Days Grace, a Canadian band.

And then I watched the video (the embedding is disabled, sorry). At first, my mind didn't register what I was watching, because I have a high 'ignore uncomfortable things' ability. But the emotions I was feeling couldn't be ignored, so I watched it again. And I felt even more drawn into it.

The lead singer, Adam Gontier, described the song as 'about being in a very dark place, but being able to see a way out.' It was written for his wife, who has battled depression, whilst he himself was in rehab for oxycontin use. In the video, symbolic imagery suggests a young girl is molested by a man, her parents blind to the abuse, and as a young woman she is institutionalised for trying to kill herself. At the end she is freed from her inner daemons. The video is well done. It is on a list of controversial videos for tackling molestation.

I was molested as a child by someone I trusted with my life, someone who was my world. That has marked me in so many ways, and my entire life has been touched by it, leaving me emotionally and psychologically stunted and for some time, unable to trust again. It is part of an environment that led to poor and often bizarre coping mechanisms, the most successful one being the ability to forget to the point where it's hard for me to remember the good in life.

I am tired of pushing the world away. I do it emotionally and I do it physically (One of the reasons I am so fat to keep people at a distance, with the idea that no one will want to have sex with me if I'm grossly obese; I also tend to hoard things as if to build walls between my world inside and the world of reality). I'm so busy hiding from the world, I'm not really living. Granted, I'm much better than I was 10 or 20 years ago, but there's still a lot of work to do.

So here's a hope for 2008--that I learn to tear down some walls, take care of myself, and to connect with my fellow humans some. It's only sort of a resolution. I don't have a plan. When you want to change your outlook, that's about changing feelings as much as it is about changing thoughts. It starts with being a little more aware of what's going on around you. So that's where I'm going to begin--paying attention to the things I do and the people around me, and any interaction between myself and others. Here's to some positive changes in 2008.

What do you want to change? (And just in case you were like me and didn't get to see the ball drop in NYC at midnight, thanks to modern technology you can see it all over as much as you want.) :)

Happy New Year, everyone. May 2008 be a great one.

Let's end on a brighter note

You Are the Ego

You take a balanced approach to your life. You definitely aren't afraid to act out on your desires - even crazy ones. But you usually think first. Morals drive you as much as hedonism does. You've been able to live a life of pleasure... without living a life of excess.

Are You Id, Ego, or Superego?

There. I'm going to bed. Really.