Unshelved by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
comic strip overdue media

Friday, November 12, 2010

I think I know why I'm sleeping so much

Today I was in bed by 7:45 pm, ostensibly for a nap, but I just woke up (at 12: 45 am). But for a few minutes before I fell asleep, I texted back and forth with my friend who's in the hospital. And I had a gnosis, of sorts.

I don't know how to be by myself anymore.

For years, I filled up my time with other people's projects. I was always over at friends' houses, partly because they needed me, and partly to avoid being home alone. I'd spent so much time alone when I was growing up. I was the quintessential child who could amuse herself for hours because she had to and didn't know things could be otherwise.

Then I grew up and went to the dorms, then to my relationship with my ex-husband, which lasted six years, although I left the marriage itself after six months. During that time, I pretty much did whatever he wanted, and subsumed my own personality for a time. Then, for the first time I was out on my own, and began to lean heavily on my friends to occupy my time, spending very little time at home, and working very hard at nesting/hoarding in such a way that no one would visit me, but I would go to them.

Now, for the first time in years, I have spare time. But I'm not spending in cleaning, or in hobbies, or reading (although I have read a lot more since July, it's mostly been waiting for the bus or during breaks at work, out and about, rather than at home). I rarely turn on the TV. I come home, I work on the computer, blog, etc., and then I fall asleep. It's been frustrating me since the schedule change in July. I kept thinking I'd just adjust eventually. But it isn't a physical issue or anything. And although it's great to be getting a lot of sleep after years of almost none (good quality sleep at that--my skin is practically glowing, and my blood sugar in the morning is finally at decent norms, and I think that has something to do with it), I'm essentially avoiding being with myself. And that has to stop.

So, I'm going to make a little early resolution to spend time with myself each night and actually enjoy doing productive things, or unproductive ones like TV, for that matter, but mostly productive ones. I'll try to clean a bit, read, do a puzzle, do notes, whatever it takes, and go to bed about 11 or 12 and get up at my norm of 7-8:30 am. Eight hours' sleep should be fine. An occasional sleep in is fine.

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