I rested for a bit this afternoon

because I'd gotten so bad that while driving over by Time Warner Cable, I ran up on a kerb, and then when I went to hang up my keys, I missed the hook twice and had to fish them out from behind a table. I wasn't doing well. Right after I blogged, I got a text from my step-father that my mother is doing very badly...she hasn't eaten in two days, and just stares ahead and isn't responsive. He doesn't think she has very long at all. I mentioned the other day why I don't plan to visit her in the house, but even if I was going to go--I couldn't have driven safely at all. I let him know this and let my other aunt know (he texted both me and my mom's sister).

Sigh. I feel awful. I want to be with her. On the other hand, it doesn't sound like she recognises anything at this point. I just hope it's peaceful and without pain or suffering. My step-father's taken very good care of her, and I know he'll be devastated. I'm oddly...detached. I don't know if it's some sort of coping mechanism, or what. I don't know how I'll react when she passes, and I am occasionally crying tonight, but mostly it's like my brain is trying to curl up in a ball and pretend it's not really happening. I hate that feeling.

My libations were moved, due to my perimenopause, to dark of the moon, rather than during my period, a traditional time of worship for Her (Hekate). However, since the beginning of the year, I've been poor to the point of a dollar or less in my account at the time, and I never think to get the wine ahead of time, so I promised a full bottle and honey as soon as my tax refund came in, even though it is now a waxing crescent. So I ventured out to Liquor Barn just a little while ago and got a bottle of wine and then some things at Kroger. Now I'm tired again, but my head's not hurting like it was and I can think reasonably straight. But I'm going to take the opportunity to pray tonight, as Hekate also accompanies the souls of the dead.

I know that death is a natural consequence of life, but this sucks. I know my mom doesn't want to die (who does, usually?) and I'm not sure she'd come to terms with it. I think they always thought she'd somehow be put on the liver transplant list even with her other issues and her smoking. My mom and I share a dangerous trait, that we keep doing what we want when we want it, without giving much thought to long-term consequences. While her actual condition is genetic and secondary to her diabetes (fatty liver, turning into non-alcoholic cirrhosis, and even hepatic tumours), there were things she should have done a long time ago that would have helped. It's not lost on me that I have some of the same issues, and my liver enzymes are slightly elevated most of the time when they take them. Just like hers were for years. Oh, it may be a medicine you're on. Oh, don't worry, it's just a bit elevated. That's how it was until so suddenly it wasn't.

I'm not trying to be mean about my mom. I'm just saying there were warning signs, and I should heed them, too, so I don't wind up in the same condition. Oh, of course, something will get you in the end. But maybe if I make better choices now, I'll live longer and better. Momma's only 69. Her mother, despite diabetes, was 90. In my family, with the exception of my mom's grandmother, who had a diabetic stroke in her 60s, if you smoke, you live to your 60s or maybe early 70s; if you don't, it's more 80s and even into the 90s. I've never smoked. I have a lot of issues that 'age' me beyond my years, in a way, but if I make changes in my diet and exercise, it can only help. But I've got to do it. Of course, one big change I have no control over that should help is very soon I won't be eating 2-3 meals per day in our cafeteria, which isn't the most nutritious of food (it's mostly fried stuff, pre-packaged, and processed, with an occasional green vegetable, I hate to say). It's been better in the past, especially for vegetarians, but still, it's not the best route I could do.

I've already come up with a schedule for the time I'm off (however long that will be) so I'll keep normal business hours. Today I got an Indeed alert to two more jobs (that's a total of five), one at the university, in the health sciences library. It's closing date is April 25th, but all I have to do is a cover letter and have some friends and colleagues look over my curriculum vitae. Keep your fingers crossed for me. One is with the state, one with a local public library, and three with the university. So things are looking up, which is good, as we're thirty days for closing down.

Okay, I think I will definitely take the trazodone and start making preparations for bed. Good night.

Also reading:

It is late…

And I should be in bed, as it’s almost 1 am. But I just got in and it always takes me a bit of time to unwind. I’ve been spending some time with friends tonight, and trying to troubleshoot some issues YKWIA is having with my desktop over at his house. I also got the model number of his computer to try to match a decent power supply, as I think that is the problem he was encountering. If we can get his back up and running, that would be great, as he hates Windows 10 and Office 2013 (I’m eligible for Office 2016 for $9.95 through work, actually, but I’ll wait until I can properly download them.)

Last night I got some disturbing news and came home and just curled up in bed, thinking about the implications. I couldn’t really write; I just felt sad and helpless, and needed some time to come to grips with it. I won’t go into its cause; I feel a little better today because the shock of it has worn off a bit.

Today I went in early to work and had a performance appraisal, which went really well. Come March, I’m getting a 3% raise. Yay! I will have to go through an appraisal for the second part of my job there, as well, but I expect it will be the same.

One of my co-workers I was going to sub for in scheduling went on leave early, but they think they can handle things unless it gets super busy, in which case they might need me a day or so here and there. Since I have a stack of books waist-high to catalogue, on top of my regular duties, I’m fine with that. I’ve been putting off processing them until I had more time in the library. I’m doing well with the charge entry and reconciliation, but tomorrow I really want to give some extra attention to the referrals part of my job, as there is a report that is run on Mondays, and that gives me a couple of days to really get the queue down to just a few. Given the lateness of the hour, though, I think I’m going to just go ahead and shoot for my normal arrival time for work tomorrow. I need to still return that equipment to Time Warner Cable, but if all else fails, I can do that Saturday.

Today after work I went over to see my State Farm agent and discussed insurance with them. We'd already put in for a low mileage discount and the roadside assistance (replacing the AAA I had). My odometer was different than in my memory; I just passed 55,000 miles on my way there, but it still means that in three years I've only put on 20,000 miles, so I qualify. They like to meet their customers, and when I first got the car and signed up with them three years ago, we kept having scheduling issues, and I never came in. Because I wasn't sure if there was a physical inspection, I went ahead and finally cleaned out the car. After that I stopped by the store for about $10 worth of groceries, and then headed to my friends’ house. We watched some episodes of ‘Castle’ together, and then YKWIA and I watched ‘Lucifer’—which I really liked. I find it refreshing to watch someone who has absolutely no inhibitions or filter. YKWIA is a lot like that—very honest and blunt. I appreciate that in a person, and wish I could be better at it than I am. I helped him put away some things in his library and then worked on the computer. After that, I helped take care of some things to do with the dogs and made him tea. We also watched a few clips from 'Galavant'. I would like to watch Season 1 if we can find it somewhere. But I finally left, and when I started the car, I realised I had a thin glaze of ice on the car, and had to clean off the windshield, but the back looked clear until I went to back out. But by that time I was already moving, using the other mirrors, and just put on the rear defrost and hoped for the best. Fortunately, it didn’t take long to melt.

Tomorrow after work is physical therapy. I’m looking forward to it. Where we’ve had our sessions interrupted, I’ve been in quite a bit of pain if I stand for much time at all. I know things would be better if I could walk more, but it hurts to. My goal is to get to a point where my spine and hip flexors allow me to exercise. But it’s bad to do when you’re in acute pain, so I haven’t been. It’s very frustrating. I feel like I’m losing some of my mobility from it. Just walking from the library to the cafeteria, or doing things in the kitchen for about 15 minutes without sitting, is hurting. It’s mostly the lower back; my neck and thoracic spine are also stiff and hurting though, and improve with the manipulation my therapist is doing, plus exercises to strengthen the muscles. I’m hoping, if I just keep working at it, that it will help me be able to do what I used to.

I guess I can officially say I'm in perimenopause. I'm six (almost seven) days late on my period, with no chance of pregnancy, per my calendar log on my phone. The last period I had, right before new year's, lasted the normal time, but then I kept spotting for days afterwards, just a bit. So maybe that's why. But I've never been this far off before, maybe just a day or two at a time here and there. I guess I should start giving my libations at Dark of the Moon rather than with my periods, going forward from here. Still, it's weird.

Okay, I’m starting to really get sleepy. I suppose I should sign off here for the night. My lids are heavy and my legs are hurting a bit, so they need to be propped up and I need to stretch out on the bed. Good night.

Reflections

I got up in the middle of the night because, well, it is what I tend to do, and also to give a libation to Hekate to thank Her for her protection during the journey.  I offered up a bottle of wine both before and after the trip, with a stipulation after the first one that the next would follow after a safe conclusion.  In relations with the Pagan Gods, particularly the Greek ones, it is often about contracts: If this, than I will do this.

So after five hours' of sleep (in which I slept like a baby, back at my own bed, my CPAP filter still smelling of the hotel room and the soap they had), I felt a little reflective of my trip.

One, I had a great time. I used to know someone who considered herself a world traveller.  She had grown up in Korea, a military brat like me, and had lots of frequent flyer miles.  She went to Ireland, Scotland, New Zealand, places I would love to go to. Oh, and Russia (I'm not so keen to go there.)  And you know what?  Each time she came back, we asked her how it had gone, and it turned out that she spent her time in her hotel room reading.  (I can only presume New Zealand, which happened after our friendship ended, went the same way, but definitely with the other three). And she absolutely hated Russia, where she lived with a family, even though Russian was her major.  It was very sad.  She was somewhat feral and nasty in her own environment.  I have no idea what they thought of this unfriendly American girl.

My point is, that even when we are uncomfortable trying new things, we should,  I've been to Chicago three times now, but never had the time to do more than travel to the conference and back, flying in one day, maybe taking the 'L' in, and flying out the very next day. I was very fortunate my first year to have a fellow Shriners librarian meet me at O'Hare and orient me to the trains and where to go, so I wasn't totally lost that first time.  But I didn't really experience Chicago.  Also, in times past, I was pretty much right there at the UIC-Illinois Medical District, where the various hospitals like the VA, Cook County, Rush University, UIC, etc., all congregate over by the University of Illinois at Chicago.  I didn't get to see much of any green space at all, and apparently from my conversation with one of the area librarians, there really is quite a bit of it in the city.  And I saw a bit this time, especially with the Museum Campus and Grant Park, although of course everything is still brown due to the winter and the thaw.  I would love to come later in the year sometime and go to the Navy Pier and spend more time in Millennium and Grant Parks.  I loved the architecture, and it took everything I had not to look up like a gaping tourist.  There was a honeycombed building, the one Steve McQueen was in during a movie, according to my colleague, that was a great landmark.  It was over near Trump Tower, which, despite the absolutely giant sign, made a good landmark, too.  I didn't go up to see the top of the Willis (formerly Sears, and possibly to be something else soon, as it's apparently up for sale) Tower, but my hotel room was on the 20th floor, above the hubbub of the street, overlooking the Chicago Riverwalk, and that was nice.

I learned that even though Chicagoans tend to wear dark winter jackets, and look at first glance to be very conservative in their dress at times (at least in winter), they seem to express personality with shoes, pants, and stockings.  I learned to manage to cross streets (always with the light, I wasn't brave enough to jaywalk, as even being in a crosswalk did not guarantee anyone was going to yield to you, and they drive very fast in short bursts, ready at the horn, especially the cabbies) without running into other people or cars, which is kind of a game of dodge 'em.  I'm a pretty slow walker, so I tried not to impede others too much. I kept my back to buildings when travelling with my gear or checking my position on my phone, and tried to keep aware at all times of my surroundings.  I did pretty well till I dropped my guard at the airport and lost my jacket.

The weather was very good, sunny each day and in the high 40s to low 60s.  Considering we'd gotten 17 inches of snow the week before plus Arctic cold, and I'm sure they've had low temperatures too, that was a blessing.  The weather was actually better than here, where we had fog on my day going out, and rain when I came in, with the temperature in Chicago being higher than here.

What I would like to have done:  I never managed to have Chicago-style pizza.  It would have been nice to see more of the museum (I was pressed for time), although the parts I skipped were largely the preserved exhibits, and taxidermied animals do tend to give me the creeps, although I recognise their scientific importance.  I would have loved to go to the Adler Planetarium or Shedd Aquarium as well.  And although I'm not sure, this may be my last year on the council (I'll have to check with my library association to see if they want to re-appoint me or send someone else, because the five-year contract with UIC is in its final year, although I think it's been renewed), I still have a Ventra reloadable transit card if I manage to come back, either with the RAC or on my own. :)

Okay, I think that's enough of a reaction piece for now.   I'm going to try to go back to bed,  Good night.

I am (finally) home

Sue - Field Museum (Creative Common Licence for this image)

Some lessons learned from my trip:

1. Keep your beloved jacket on no matter how sweltering the airport is, because you will otherwise lay it down and it will disappear.
2. Keep your parking ticket in the car rather than taking it on the trip and apparently leaving it in the jacket that you were going to lose.
3. How to navigate the mass transit system in Chicago, and also walking through downtown/the Loop.
4. When riding an articulated bus, do not sit inside the accordion in the middle, because if the bus comes to a stop as it turns, the floor moves under your feet while you try to stand up to get off the bus.
5. Double-check your credit card, because the hotel might be charging you for a second night when that was paid for by the university.
6. Chicagoans drive like maniacs, and make plenty use of the car horn. Stare them down and keep walking, but prepare for absolutely no yielding to pedestrians.
7. After several years, you can finally get the key card to operate an elevator, repeatedly, if you just keep trying.
8. Although I had a very good time, there really is no place like home.

Still, I kept up with a CPAP, a laptop, a purse, phone, and carry-on bag, plus took off and landed safely today, so I guess overall I did pretty well. I also lucked out amazingly because I met a colleague on the council at dinner yesterday, and she was not only at the same hotel, she had her car, and she offered me a ride to the meeting this morning, so I didn't have to take the Pink Line with all my bags, and then, because she doesn't live very far from the airport, she took me there, saving me time and money for a cab or the train. I think if I'd taken the 'L', I really would have been pushing it time-wise. A cab ride would have been expensive and I've never flagged one down before. I did offer her some gas money, but she wouldn't take it. We really hit it off, and I'm glad I met her.

So, to recap:

Wednesday I:
• Flew to Chicago after an hour-and-a-half delay due to fog in Lexington.
• Took the Blue Line train to downtown
• Found my hotel, Club Quarters at Wacker and Michigan
• Ate dinner at a restaurant at Millennium Park with various medical library directors who were in for additional meetings beyond what I was in for, but they invited those of us who came early. They were very encouraging of my job hunt in face of losing the library, and had good solid suggestions for marketing myself.

Downtown at a distance

Thursday I:
• Took two buses to the Field Museum, and spent time going through the exhibits there.
• Took a bus to a seminar where three speakers gave talks on the ethics and bias related to health literacy, how the exchange system works as a result of the Affordable Care Act, and evidence-based medicine and rapid reviews as practiced by the speaker's programme. It was worth 4 contact hours and was very interesting.
• Networked with my fellow Kentucky attendees.
• Ate dinner at Park Grill again, this time with a smaller group. Met a librarian who really helped me out in terms of getting to Friday's destinations.
• Walked an ungodly amount over the course of the day, over six miles.

Lake Michigan

Friday I:
• Got up at 6 am and got ready, then checked out of my hotel.
• Met my colleague and went to the Regional Advisory Council meeting.
• Had a continental breakfast.
• Set up a meeting with our GMR state liaison, who will be in Lexington next week, to come see my library.
• Had a very good meeting. Got a review of what's going on at the Greater Midwest Region office and did an interesting activity that really brought our ideas into focus. Had a lovely lunch; the vegetarian option was mozzarella and grilled pepper sandwiches.
• Was given a ride to the airport by my colleague.
• Changed shoes and made it through security.
• Grabbed a drink at McDonald's that was about $3 and mostly ice.
• Got a couple of small souvenirs for friends.
• Promptly lost my favourite jacket, with, apparently, my ticket for the oeconomy parking at Bluegrass Airport.
• Went back to the store, but they hadn't seen it. Someone now has a very nice jacket with my hospital logo on it and gloves that work with smartphone screens. Granted, one was a gift from a boss, who bought each employee in the department their choice of a fleece jacket (mine was purple and grey, had a zipper on the arm, two other zippered pockets, and two inner ones), and the pair of gloves was given to me by a now-retired co-worker because they were too big for her, but still, I loved them. I may see if my boss still has that catalogue and if I can buy another jacket with my own money at some point. But that jacket got me through the entire winter, practically, including two major snowstorms and sub-zero teperatures (I just layered underneath it).
• Made it into Lexington without delay, despite rain.
• Changed shoes, got out the umbrella, and went to the car.
• Promptly realised the ticket was not in my purse, and got into the trunk and tore all my packed luggage apart for it.
• Went to the attendant and explained the situation. Gave him my driver's licence, my boarding passes showing when I left and came back, and he took down my licence plate # and had me sign something, then charged me the correct amount ($24 for 3 days of oeconomy parking).
• Drove through UK, downtown, and stopped at Liquor Barn for wine so I can give a libation of thanksgiving to Hekate for a safe trip.
• Stopped by Taco Bell for dinner, as I hadn't eaten since noon and I didn't really know if there was any food in the house.
• Called my friends to let them know I was home. I sounded faded, and barely had the strength to get out of the car, repack the cases, and bring everything in.
• Grabbed the mail, came inside, dropped everything on the floor, checked that the breakables made it, and then ate.

Leaving Chicago

Almost home

Now I'm very tired. It may only be 9 pm, but I think I'll unpack the CPAP machine and get ready for bed. Good night.

After work

I went to the library and checked out a book I had on hold for a friend, and while I was there I picked up some new books for myself: How Google Works by Eric Schmidt & Jonathan Rosenberg, Encyclopedia of Witch Craft by Judika Illes, Wonders of the Solar System by Brian Cox, and a delightful book I’ve been reading since I got home, Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck by Amy Alkon. So I’ve been reading with the radio playing in the background, and I’ve gotten all comfy. I went through the mail, which contains a $4.78 reimbursement cheque from my flexible spending company, my AAA renewal (I’m not sure that’s going to be feasible before it expires at the end of the month) and the final Time Warner Cable bill.

YKWIA just called asking about some bagels he thought I’d left there, and I explained about the book on witchcraft and that when I randomly opened a page, the first entry I saw was on ‘Charmed’, which is his favourite TV show. I think that made him happy.

There’s a lot I should be doing tonight. Dishes, taking out some cardboard boxes, finally doing the stuff for the fish tanks, that sort of thing, plus the trash and recyclables. Right now I have an annoying headache, so I’m going to take some ibuprofen and relax for a bit before trying to do anything. That usually winds up with me falling asleep far too early. I’m going to try to not do that—but I’m not promising anything. I had thought to stop by the house and take the laptop over to the library, blogging from there, but decided to just settle in at home and use my phone hotspot anyway.

I also need to give a libation tonight to the Goddess, and although I do not have wine, I have some nice honey. Yesterday when I started my period (I give the libation when I menstruate), I also managed to restore the backup of the Android application that keeps my cycle calendar, so that made me happy. I think that was the last thing that hadn’t been set correctly since I had to get the phone factory reset when I locked myself out of it with the fingerprint scanner. :)

Okay, I’m going to take that ibuprofen. If I don’t blog anymore tonight, I hope you have a good night.

Yay! I'm off work tomorrow and I have lots of stuff planned (subject to change, of course)

Things I have to do sometime either tonight or tomorrow:
1. Two weeks’ of game notes.
2. A book review.
3. Straighten up the bedroom.
4. Sort laundry.
5. Give a libation of honey to Hekate for the turning of the year.
6. Water the plants.
7. Fill the fish tanks and work on the pumps for each.

Things I’d like to do:
1. Read.
2. Watch some DVDs (including ‘Downton Abbey’, which I am terribly behind on.
3. Listen to some music.
4. Have a quiet evening at home.
5. Watch the New York ball drop at midnight tonight, either on my phone (yes, there’s an application for that), or on TV.

No alcohol, parties, etc., but then I don't like to be out on the roads with the drunks on New Year's Eve. Happy New Year! May it be bright and wonderful and bring you happiness and blessings. It's so hard to believe we're just a few hours from 2015!

A monthly libation

Orphic Hymn to Hekate (translated by Apostolos N. Athanassakis)

Lovely Hecate of the roads and crossroads I invoke;
In heaven, on earth, and in the sea, saffron-cloaked,
Tomb spirit, reveling in the souls of the dead,
Daughter of Perses, haunting deserted places, delighting in dear,
Nocturnal, dog-loving, monstrous queen,
Devouring wild beasts, ungirt, of repelling countenance.
You, herder of bulls, queen and mistress of the whole world,
Leader, nymph, mountain-roaming nurturer of youth, maiden,
I beseech you to come to these holy rites,
Ever with joyous heart and ever favoring the oxherd.

Tonight I lit lavender incense and gave herb bread, honey, and pinot noir in fulfillment of the covenant made now over twenty years ago with the Goddess, at this, the time of my menstruation. Guide, Guardian, and Giver of blessings, She has been a powerful force in my life these many years. Wisdom and prosperity are Her gifts, and Her domain spans earth, sea, and sky. I am very blessed to be Her priestess and servant.

So tired

I just got in a little after 10 pm and I'm very, very tired, and I'm paying for getting up so terribly early this morning to do the laundry. Also, my back has been bad all day. The clothes can stay on the couch until tomorrow, I'm afraid, and even then I'll have to fold them sitting down. Any standing has hurt today. Also, I have to get up early again tomorrow, as I have a meeting right as I normally go in to work at 8:30 am, and I need to print out some sheets for it and grab some breakfast before I do that. On the one hand, one of my tasks is going away. On the other hand, I'm going to be reconciling some things and need some training on how to read the sheets I'll be getting.

So, the phone is on its dock, the tablet is charging, my contacts are out and I'm in shorts and a tank top and I'm all comfy, although to be truly comfy I'll need to stretch out and rest my back. I still need to give an offering to the Goddess tonight, but I didn't manage to stop by the Liquor Barn, which closes at ten of all things. So I have no wine, very little olive oil, and some honey. It looks like that last is my best bet. I'm usually a little better about it than this. At least the house is clean, though. :) That makes it nicer, as part of the point is to purify and rededicate myself and my home to Her.

So, that and taking my insulin are the only other things to do before I turn in for the night. At least it's Wednesday; just two more days and there's a long holiday weekend. Yay! The only plans I have for now are for Saturday, when friends and I plan to go to Masala, the Indian restaurant. I think we'll be playing the game on Sunday, too--Brenda didn't think there would be anything preventing it. Okay, it's time to stretch my back out for a bit and relax. Have a good night.

I just put twelve gallons of water into the fish tank, and I'm pooped

Yes, it had gotten down pretty far. Of the things to do from my list that are likely to happen for the rest of the weekend, there's trash/recyclables (tomorrow), hand-washables (tomorrow), bread (tonight or early morning), and dishes (tomorrow). I'm too tired to watch anything tonight, although it was good to get things mostly in order. I'm going to try to get up early and do a bit more before going to get snacks for the game. I also need to go out and give my monthly libation to Hekate, but I'm going to wait a little later for that, so I'm going to retreat to the bedroom for a little while and then get up around 1 or 2 am and do that. For once, I'm actually doing it on the night dedicated to her, when there is a dark moon, the traditional time of offerings.

More than a little tired tonight

which is no wonder, given my caffeine-induced insomnia last night that was spent installing 34 updates to Windows and a host of other computer maintenance. Despite the lack of sleep, I got up early enough to take out the trash and recyclables and get to work on time, which is amazing as I slept through my alarm and woke up on my own about 7:15 (I need to be at work at 8:30). After work I ran some errands and then brought some food to a friend who was feeling under the weather. I visited for awhile and then did a little more with the computer, but now I'm heading to bed at least for a couple of hours, then I plan to get up and give my monthly libation to Hekate. (That was one of the errands, getting wine for the libation.) I use pinot noir. I also got some mead for me. It's one of the few things that are alcoholic I drink. Tomorrow I have a an appointment with the ophthalmologist. I only see him every six months and wasn't using my phone calendar last time, so I totally forget now that we're in the new year. I'm glad they do those reminder phone calls. Anyway, I'm going to try to go in a little early to work to make up some of my lost time. But for now, I'm gong to take it easy and try and get some rest. Good night, in case that's all the writing I do tonight. :)

Up briefly

Tonight was my night to leave a libation to Hekate, and I didn't want to put it off any longer (I have a three-day window during my menses; this was the second night). I feel better than I did when I got home, although obviously I plan on sleeping more if possible. I checked the news, just glancing through it, and saw the results of the Superbowl, but didn't really care on that front. I don't understand the hype, but then, I'm not a football fan.

Today's Cthulhu game was about righting all the things that went wrong last game, including removing curses and healing horrible injuries. I feel much better about where we are now. Last time one character (mine) was blinded [well, her eyes were red and filled with blood, and she cried tears of blood, which was even worse than simple blindness], another was shot in the head, and a child was kidnapped and something magical was done to her that had to be undone. There were no tentacled monsters, but there were evil people who burst into flame and incinerated when hit with the power of the Elder Sign. Brenda and I lost focus during the last game and things could have gone much worse in terms of the clean-up this game. And for once, the dice seemed kind to us. Last week I think the only roll Brenda made of any note was the one in which one of her characters, under the influence of an evil ichor, shot another.

I know for someone not familiar with roleplaying games, or our brand of horror/science fiction, this probably sounds weird. But it is generally fun--much more fun than sitting around a TV watching a bunch of men in tight pants run after a pointy ball. :)

Today was also heavily about roleplaying. I rolled my dice exactly once throughout the game. Almost everything was actually the result of acting, if you will, than the roll of the dice. That's a lot different from games like Dungeons and Dragons that are more about action and killing things than building characters and relationships.

Okay, back to bed I go. Hope your week goes well.

Today was all about visiting health care professionals

My appointment with my surgeon regarding the ankle fracture went well and was straightforward. He was very pleased with my progress and will see me in six weeks. He suggested I continue gait training at physical therapy until I find it is no longer helpful, but he thought that my walking was remarkably good considering. The flexibility of the foot and ankle is pretty good as well.

It was at the regular doctor's I hit a snag. The appointment lasted about four hours. He was running terribly behind. If I'd realised that it would be that bad, I would have taken the day off. As it was, I worked very little of the day. I'm going to try to go in early tomorrow morning to make up some of the time.

Physical therapy, which was scheduled after regular work time, went really well, but I am very sore, especially in my knees and quad muscles. I worked on a reclining step machine, with a squishy round thing that I did lunges on, step work, rolling a balance ball towards me with the backs of my feet (that was really hard, given the shape of the muscles), and bridges of the back.

Once home, I talked with Brandon awhile on the phone and then fell asleep with my feet and knees elevated. I woke up a short while ago and did my monthly libation to Hekate, rekindling my worship after several months of not being able to perform the the ritual. (I waited until true dark of the moon to coincide with my menses).

While waiting at the doctors' offices I made an appointment to get the car checked/get an oil change on Saturday morning, giving them plenty of time should they need to put on new tyres or brake pads. I suspect that will be the case. I skidded in the rain a couple of times today, and the brakes are making a high-pitched brake pad sort of squeal. I don't want to wait on this. I also made an appointment for next Saturday with the optometrist and an appointment for Tuesday for a diabetes check. I tend to have a rash of doctor's appointments in the early part of the year when my flexible spending account is flush again.

There was a little grumbling in the halls this morning about the higher taxes in our paycheques today. Mine was about $25 less than usual, despite adjusting the flexible spending account down $100 this year because of the new cap to contributions, so it was a little more than that in terms of increased taxes. That amounts to $750 annually. I can deal with that, but it amounts to a month's rent, plus electric and car insurance for a month, so it is significant. I was more concerned with my personal time off. The company that does our Family Medical Leave Act leave and short-term disability is still processing my last extension request and so I was paid out of PTO instead of my extended illness bank. Once that goes through, I'll get my PTO back, but as a result I have about five days' worth of PTO instead of 12 right now. Granted, we're finished with holidays for awhile (our next official one isn't until Memorial Day), but my doctor's appointments come out of my PTO too, and I need to keep at least three days in the bank because if I get sick, it comes out of that first before drawing on the EIB.

Okay, if I'm going to go in early, I need to go back to bed. Hopefully the Tylenol is kicking in, because otherwise the soreness is going to keep me awake. Hope you're having a good week. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday, and it's jeans day at work. Yay! [I didn't have any clean jeans on my first Friday back. I only have one pair now that's clean. My other main pair of jeans was cut off of me when I was hit by the car. :(]

Cool

Bulgarian archaeologists find golden treasures in ancient Thracian tomb: Tiara, snake-head bracelets and gold buttons among artefacts from Getae burial site near northern village of Sveshtari

The site is at the ancient Getic burial complex near the village of Sveshtari, about 250 miles north-east of Sofia. One of the tombs there, the Tomb of Sveshtari, is included in the Unesco world heritage list for its unique architectural decor showing half-human, half-plant female figures and painted murals.

The Thracians, ruled by a powerful warrior aristocracy wealthy for their gold treasures, inhabited an area extending over modern Romania and Bulgaria, northern Greece and the European part of Turkey from 4000BC.

They lived on the fringes of the Greek and Roman civilisations, often intermingling and clashing with the more advanced cultures until they were absorbed, in about the year 45, into the Roman empire. Archaeologists have discovered a large number of artefacts in Bulgaria's Thracian tombs in recent decades, providing most of what is known of their culture as they had no written language and left no enduring records.

Thrace is often connected to and even purported to be the origin of the worship of the Goddess Hekate, whom I honour as well. So this is of interest to me besides the obvious archaeological significance.

I had a headache earlier

so I laid down for a bit. Brandon was teasing me that 'a bit' for me is 3, 4,or even 5 hours, texting me before I went to sleep. This time it was 6. I got up because tonight is my libation night, and so I straightened up the kitchen a bit and then took my libation of wine and honey (with some lavender flowers sprinkled in) out to Hekate and poured it on the ground.

I had a couple of things I wanted to get done tonight, mainly applying for a couple of jobs that are open with the Lexington Public Library. One closes Thursday, the other Monday. It would be really great to work in a library full time, and of course the public library has a great deal more traffic than mine and presents different challenges. With the hospital slated to move, and my position not going, I really need to be proactive in trying to find another job. [Oh, and if you're looking for children's librarian positions, there are a couple available as well. I don't think I'm suited for children's librarian positions. I think it takes someone with an excellent rapport with children, which I don't have. Granted, I haven't spent much time with them. Maybe I would do alright if I got into it. But as much as I love children's books, and children in theory, I think I'll leave those positions to the experts and focus on the more general positions. :)]

Hmmm....interesting (and be sure to read in the article about human sclerae and the hunt as well)

Humanity's Best Friend: How Dogs May Have Helped Humans Beat the Neanderthals

Yep. Man's best friend, Shipman suggests, might also be humanity's best friend. Dogs might have been the technology that allowed early humans to flourish.

Shipman analyzed the results of excavations of fossilized canid bones -- from Europe, during the time when humans and Neanderthals overlapped. Put together, they furnish some compelling evidence that early humans, first of all, engaged in ritualistic dog worship. Canid skeletons found at a 27,000-year-old site in Předmostí, of the Czech Republic, displayed the poses of early ritual burial. Drill marks in canid teeth found at the same site suggest that early humans used those teeth as jewelry -- and Paleolithic people, Shipman notes, rarely made adornments out of animals they simply used for food. There's also the more outlying fact that, like humans, dogs are rarely depicted in cave art -- a suggestion that cave painters might have regarded dogs not as the game animals they tended to depict, but as fellow-travelers.

Shipman speculates that the affinity between humans and dogs manifested itself mainly in the way that it would go on to do for many more thousands of years: in the hunt. Dogs would help humans to identify their prey; but they would also work, the theory goes, as beasts of burden -- playing the same role for early humans as they played for the Blackfeet and Hidatsa of the American West, who bred large, strong dogs specifically for hauling strapped-on packs. (Paleolithic dogs were large: They had, their skeletons suggest, a body mass of at least 70 pounds and a shoulder height of at least 2 feet -- which would make them, at minimum, the size of a modern-day German shepherd.) Since transporting animal carcasses is an energy-intensive task, getting dogs to do that work would mean that humans could concentrate their energy on more productive endeavors: hunting, gathering, reproducing.

The result, Shipman argues, was a virtuous circle of cooperation -- one in which humans and their canine friends got stronger, together, over time.

It's an interesting theory. I've heard worse. I'm not sure there's any way to truly prove it, though, but it's definitely worth a look at.

The Goddess I worship is associated with dogs (among other things). Although Her origins are rather murky (ostensibly She is Greek) I've often wondered exactly how far back Her influence goes. I believe Her worship to be older than the historical record, although I do not have direct proof.

Anyway, if you have a dog, hug it and be thankful you don't have a brow ridge.

Well, it was a little later than I meant

I fell asleep about 10:45 pm with some idea of getting up at midnight. Instead, it's about 2:30. My feet started to hurt a bit. I think I missed that last dose. But I've taken it now, along with the Lantus. And I've gone out and given my libation.

I feel really blessed of late. The lack of pain--that kept me in a good mood wherever I went this week. I was actually walking like a normal person rather than a little old lady. I mean, they still get tired, and I expect some pain this weekend as I'm on them--a lot--then, but nothing like it has been. I'm even going up and down stairs straight rather than sideways (I was always afraid I'd fall, and now my knees are doing better the normal way. I still take them a step at a time, mostly. So the knees still aren't great). But just walking normally is helping my knees and hips as far as their pain. And the medicine also works where the nerves are compressed in my neck. Best of all, it's a $10 co-pay, so even in lean months without flexible spending money, I should be able to swing it.

Then there was finally paying off my back taxes and actually getting a tax refund. I'm not flush in money, but I can pay off some debt and save up a bit, then start paying off my student loans when they enter repayment, which will be soon.

We're getting a raise at work, which is a bit bittersweet given the whole 'three-year plan' thing, but hey, I don't mind getting paid more, especially since there were times we didn't get one because of how bad the oeconomy got.

One of my friends who has had a particularly rough time of late (health issues that caused them to have financial stress) is finally getting a bit of relief starting this month. I've been very worried about him and his family (he has two small children and a wife) throughout the holidays and beyond, so I'm glad they're doing better.

So, I've got some blessings to thank Her for. And I do. She was celebrated by Hesiod for her dominion over wealth and prosperity. I know mine is always subject to change, and indeed I know it soon will, but for now, I feel blessed. Thank you, Hekate.

Up briefly

We had a great game today. I was actually rested and prepared. We played late, though, and despite two two-litres of caffeinated soda today (yes, really), after the game master called to see what I thought about how it went, I fell asleep with practically every light on in the house, including the one I was under, with the phone in the bed. I woke to heed nature's call, and so I took my Lantus and went ahead and made my monthly libation to Hekate (yes, I know the moon is full; I go by menstruation, not moons). With it I asked for her help in finding a good, sustainable job in my field (in this geographical area) within the next three years that would provide stability but which I would enjoy. Sometimes you have to be careful when asking the Gods for help, in how you phrase your prayers. Remember Tithonis? Tithonis was a youth, a son of the king of Troy. Eos (Aurora for the Romans), the Dawn, fell in love with him, and asked Zeus to grant him eternal life so they could be together. But she didn't ask for Tithonis to have eternal youth, and so he withered before her over the years. A later myth described him as turning into a cicada, eternally begging for death. In the Homeric hymn to Aphrodite, he is described this way: 'but when loathsome old age pressed full upon him, and he could not move nor lift his limbs, this seemed to her in her heart the best counsel: she laid him in a room and put to the shining doors. There he babbles endlessly, and no more has strength at all, such as once he had in his supple limbs.'

Hekate herself is associated with power over many things, including the those things of the earth, the sky, and the sea. She was often supplicated by her followers for wealth, according to Hesiod, as well as a host of other things. As he put it,

Whom she will she greatly aids and advances: she sits by worshipful kings in judgement, and in the assembly whom she will is distinguished among the people. And when men arm themselves for the battle that destroys men, then the goddess is at hand to give victory and grant glory readily to whom she will. Good is she also when men contend at the games, for there too the goddess is with them and profits them: and he who by might and strength gets the victory wins the rich prize easily with joy, and brings glory to his parents. And she is good to stand by horsemen, whom she will: and to those whose business is in the grey discomfortable sea, and who pray to Hecate and the loud-crashing Earth-Shaker, easily the glorious goddess gives great catch, and easily she takes it away as soon as seen, if so she will. She is good in the byre with Hermes to increase the stock. The droves of kine and wide herds of goats and flocks of fleecy sheep, if she will, she increases from a few, or makes many to be less. So, then, albeit her mother's only child, she is honored amongst all the deathless gods. And the son of Cronos made her a nurse of the young who after that day saw with their eyes the light of all-seeing Dawn. So from the beginning she is a nurse of the young, and these are her honors.
--Hesiod, Theogony, (English Translation by Hugh G. Evelyn-White)

So you can see She has a long-standing tradition of helping those in need with their livelihood. I gave her nearly 1.5 litres of wine, all that I had in the house. Prayer works a little differently in the pagan world than the Christian one.

It's 4:54 am

and I just woke up in pain, partly from my arm, but mainly from apparently starting my period five days early. Ever since I got the phone, I've been tracking them, and they're generally 25 days apart for five days. I thought I was going to start yesterday (hey, I've been doing this 32 years now, so I recognise the signs), but checked the calendar and said, no, surely not. Yet here I am, cramping and uncomfortable and bleeding. I have eaten a couple of string cheese servings to settle my stomach and taken some ibuprofen for the pain. I think it will kick in soon.

I'm wondering if maybe I am entering perimenopause, because your periods can become irregular. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome as well, which can also do that, but I've never missed a period and for the most part they've always been pretty reliable, with the few surprises coming from me not watching the calendar.

As PubMed Health says:

In some women, menstrual flow comes to a sudden halt. More commonly, it slowly stops over time. During this time, the menstrual periods generally become either more closely or more widely spaced. This irregularity may last for 1 - 3 years before menstruation finally ends completely. Before this the cycle length may shorten to as little as every 3 weeks.

I am 44, so it would make sense that I would start becoming irregular about now. That would put me at 46-48 or so for cessation of menses. I think my mother was 49 when she hit menopause itself, and that can be an indicator as to when a woman will actually stop.

That means I have to start thinking about things like hot flashes, osteoporosis, mood changes, etc. I've recently been given a bone density scan due to the stress fractures in my foot and it was normal, so I have a baseline as far as osteoporosis goes. Mood changes are an issue since I'm already bipolar II with more of a tendency for depression, but that is being treated. Hot flashes are supposedly awful, and I'm hot-natured anyway, but I can hopefully deal with them, because I still have doubts about some hormone replacement therapy, namely conjugated equine oestrogens (such as Premarin or Prempro), and its effects on the well-being of mares and foals used in the industry.

In general I welcome menopause, as I have no plans to procreate and I frankly would feel better in a relationship if there was no chance of conceiving. I certainly don't want to be one of those people who suddenly finds themselves raising a child in their mid-to-late 40s. I don't have enough energy for myself, let alone a child, plus I don't have the financial stability and frankly don't have the temperament for it, and recognise that fact. I wish more women who were bad mothers did.

One important thing that would change would be the timing of my monthly libations to Hekate. During the years of menstruation, the wine is given to coincide with the period. Once I go through menopause, that will move to the dark of the moon. Fortunately I'm very good at keeping an eye on moon phases (it being full as of tomorrow afternoon, for example). It's a fairly minor change in timing, but different all the same, so it has an impact on my religious practice.

Thank you for putting up with a post on a subject that many people, especially men, shy away from. I'm going to go back to bed now that the pain is gone. Have a good rest of the night and a great tomorrow as well.

A little faith goes a long way

Tonight was my night to give my monthly libation to Hekate. As I went out to pour the wine and honey onto the ground, I contemplated whether or not I should pray for something specifically. The people of Haiti need prayer, but that's really Poseidon's or Aisklepios' arena--or the loa, and I don't have any connexion to the loa and also have no desire to build one. So I prayed for a situation of a friend, and for Her wisdom. Then I went inside (it's cold in the winter when you're barefoot).

As I fed the fish, filled my CPAP humidifier, and generally prepared for bed, I suddenly thought, gee, I should have prayed for the return of the book. It's a small, yet important thing. And lo and behold, I looked down and there it was, on a bottom shelf near where I had put the bags. I'd looked there before, but had not seen it.

So thank you Hekate, for the return of the book, and for the gift of my beloved, Cerys (for that is what her name meant), for sixteen years, You who favour dogs:

Dionysos waited for darksome night, and appealed in these words to circle Mene (Moon) in heaven: 'O daughter of Helios (Sun), Mene (Moon) of many turnings, nurse of all! O Selene (Moon), driver of the silver car! If thou art Hekate of many names, if in the night thou doest shake thy mystic torch in brandcarrying hand, come nightwanderer, nurse of puppies because the nightly sound of the hurrying dogs is thy delight with their mournful whimpering.- Nonnus, Dionysiaca 44.198

Good night.