Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Sunday, December 24, 2023
Christmas Eve
Today's been about memories. I don't actually celebrate Christmas, although I put a lot of gusto into it at work, as I know the patients and others like the silly hats, etc. The spirit of Christmas, after all, transcends religions. But as a Pagan, I celebrate Yule, which is the Winter Solstice. But I don't have friends anymore who are Pagan, and I'm not in a position to really celebrate it to the fullest. I do celebrate Hanukkah with my roommate, but it was very low-key (just the candles) this year. This whole holiday season has been difficult. So I'm in the house, the only one awake (even in the afternoon), and, having grown up Southern Baptist, I think of Christmases past with my family. I had a very complex dynamic with my parents, no siblings to affect it, and no close family left in Kentucky (with apologies to my mom's cousins). I grew up very isolated, and Christmas was the one time we were a family. So here I am feeling a little lonely. Lots of emotions have been flooding me, as the holiday season does for so many. There are some good and bad memories. Truth is, it's all fuzzy anyway. But the emotions are there, and they're particularly troublesome today. But it'll pass. The hope of light is there, after, all, and I have good friends. I'm hoping the new year will be a good one.
Sunday, August 20, 2023
54 years ago today
my parents got married. It was not the best thing to do, in my opinion, for any of us. I lived in a home where everything was very disconnected. We never did anything as a family, except move across the country when the Air Force demanded it. Dad had his radio room, Momma had her ceramics, and I had my reading. We did eat together at about 4:30 or 5 pm when my dad got home, but we weren't really a family. We never took vacations (and as a result, neither do I, really. I just use my PTO for doctor's appointments and an occasional time off at home, going nowhere.) We lived in California and never went to Disneyland or the San Diego Zoo, for example, and I would have loved to.
Before you say, yeah, but you wouldn't be here. Sure I would. At eight years old I did the math and realised it was only eight months between my parents' wedding and my birth, and I wasn't born early. My parents had actually broken up and then she found out she was pregnant. It was 1966. Abortion was illegal. She was barely 19. To their credit, my mom's parents both said she could stay home and they would help take care of the baby, which was pretty enlightened for the time. Despite my withdrawn relationship with my parents, I loved my grandparents very much, and my grandfather in particular was a very good male role model for me. It was my dad's mom who wanted them to get married, and they did. I loved Nana very much (she was the 'fun' grandmother, after all; Ma showed her love in other ways), but she should have butted out.
Within a month, seeing as they'd both dropped out of school (he was in engineering at UK; she was in Good Samaritan's nursing school to become an RN), my dad lost his exception for the draft, and knowing that he would be drafted, he decided to enlist to make sure he could choose the branch to serve in, at least, and he chose the Air Force. Besides, he needed to get a job to support his new family..
That's how my dad wound up doing three tours during the Vietnam War. He was in Vietnam, Thailand, and Cambodia repairing aeroplanes. I always felt that he blamed us a bit. I know he tried to divorce my mom when I was two, while he was overseas, but she wouldn't do it long distance. My mom was very emotionally needy, and in her entire life [after they finally divorced when I was 15] she had to have a man in her life, and her personality changed with each one (she married a total of four times). She liked what he liked. The only time I really saw my mom's primary personality was between marriages.
I grew up as a hindrance, and I was mostly ignored, except I was expected to console my mother emotionally when she was upset and we were very enmeshed at the same time. I spent years trying to get their love, trying to be the 'good girl', getting great grades, and quietly trying not to do anything to upset them. I never really wanted for basic physical needs, and I was never physically abused, but emotionally I was neglected and I've spent the rest of my life trying to get over that.
As a result, as an adult, I broke off my relationship with my dad after he lied to me. I'd tried to rebuild our relationship after the divorce when I was out of the house, but we wound up estranged. That happened in 1993, after my grandmother died, and lasted until his death in 2018. We never reconciled.
In retrospect, living with my mother did more damage than my dad as I was growing up, because she was there. He was off serving overseas most of the first six years of my life and then left when I was 15. I modelled so much of my behaviour off of her. There was a lot of good, of course, I'm sure. But we were way too close in some ways. But it was always about her. I know she didn't mean it to be, and I've never figured out why she was so insecure. I do know she had social anxiety, and in retrospect, she had a lot of anxiety, and that's where I get it from, I'm sure. I never cut off ties with her, though, even though I should have. But as we got older I pulled away. I spoke with her about every three months and came home for birthdays and Christmas. I especially stayed away once she married my last stepfather. He was an okay guy, and I'm thankful he was there in her last years, as he was able to take care of her where I wasn't, but his sons were all addicts and caused all sorts of grief, to the point as my mom lie dying my grandmother's house where they were living was known as the 'drug house' and the cops were there time and time again. I refused to go there after a visit where my mom casually mentioned that I should be careful about loose needles as my youngest stepbrother had Hepatitis C and tended to leave them around. I'd just stayed in his room, and she hadn't mentioned it then. I never went back, but rather visited her whenever she was in the hospital.
After my parents died (she did in 2017, just shy of 70, and he did in 2018, when he was barely 70) I got a bit of closure but not really.
I'm not writing this to whine. I'm just trying to get a handle on my feelings. Mostly I felt unloved. Now I know people who have certainly had it much worse. But I don't even remember most of my childhood, and I know there was trauma, but I don't necessarily remember what happened. Most of my memories are from school or playing with friends. Frankly, there were a few good things about my childhood in the home I remember, but very few. I thought everyone's memory was like that for so long, but then I found out it wasn't. I think it's very telling that I've blocked out whole swaths of my childhood, but I don't really know why. It bothers me immensely.
Anyway, that's my story. Make of it what you will.
Before you say, yeah, but you wouldn't be here. Sure I would. At eight years old I did the math and realised it was only eight months between my parents' wedding and my birth, and I wasn't born early. My parents had actually broken up and then she found out she was pregnant. It was 1966. Abortion was illegal. She was barely 19. To their credit, my mom's parents both said she could stay home and they would help take care of the baby, which was pretty enlightened for the time. Despite my withdrawn relationship with my parents, I loved my grandparents very much, and my grandfather in particular was a very good male role model for me. It was my dad's mom who wanted them to get married, and they did. I loved Nana very much (she was the 'fun' grandmother, after all; Ma showed her love in other ways), but she should have butted out.
Within a month, seeing as they'd both dropped out of school (he was in engineering at UK; she was in Good Samaritan's nursing school to become an RN), my dad lost his exception for the draft, and knowing that he would be drafted, he decided to enlist to make sure he could choose the branch to serve in, at least, and he chose the Air Force. Besides, he needed to get a job to support his new family..
That's how my dad wound up doing three tours during the Vietnam War. He was in Vietnam, Thailand, and Cambodia repairing aeroplanes. I always felt that he blamed us a bit. I know he tried to divorce my mom when I was two, while he was overseas, but she wouldn't do it long distance. My mom was very emotionally needy, and in her entire life [after they finally divorced when I was 15] she had to have a man in her life, and her personality changed with each one (she married a total of four times). She liked what he liked. The only time I really saw my mom's primary personality was between marriages.
I grew up as a hindrance, and I was mostly ignored, except I was expected to console my mother emotionally when she was upset and we were very enmeshed at the same time. I spent years trying to get their love, trying to be the 'good girl', getting great grades, and quietly trying not to do anything to upset them. I never really wanted for basic physical needs, and I was never physically abused, but emotionally I was neglected and I've spent the rest of my life trying to get over that.
As a result, as an adult, I broke off my relationship with my dad after he lied to me. I'd tried to rebuild our relationship after the divorce when I was out of the house, but we wound up estranged. That happened in 1993, after my grandmother died, and lasted until his death in 2018. We never reconciled.
In retrospect, living with my mother did more damage than my dad as I was growing up, because she was there. He was off serving overseas most of the first six years of my life and then left when I was 15. I modelled so much of my behaviour off of her. There was a lot of good, of course, I'm sure. But we were way too close in some ways. But it was always about her. I know she didn't mean it to be, and I've never figured out why she was so insecure. I do know she had social anxiety, and in retrospect, she had a lot of anxiety, and that's where I get it from, I'm sure. I never cut off ties with her, though, even though I should have. But as we got older I pulled away. I spoke with her about every three months and came home for birthdays and Christmas. I especially stayed away once she married my last stepfather. He was an okay guy, and I'm thankful he was there in her last years, as he was able to take care of her where I wasn't, but his sons were all addicts and caused all sorts of grief, to the point as my mom lie dying my grandmother's house where they were living was known as the 'drug house' and the cops were there time and time again. I refused to go there after a visit where my mom casually mentioned that I should be careful about loose needles as my youngest stepbrother had Hepatitis C and tended to leave them around. I'd just stayed in his room, and she hadn't mentioned it then. I never went back, but rather visited her whenever she was in the hospital.
After my parents died (she did in 2017, just shy of 70, and he did in 2018, when he was barely 70) I got a bit of closure but not really.
I'm not writing this to whine. I'm just trying to get a handle on my feelings. Mostly I felt unloved. Now I know people who have certainly had it much worse. But I don't even remember most of my childhood, and I know there was trauma, but I don't necessarily remember what happened. Most of my memories are from school or playing with friends. Frankly, there were a few good things about my childhood in the home I remember, but very few. I thought everyone's memory was like that for so long, but then I found out it wasn't. I think it's very telling that I've blocked out whole swaths of my childhood, but I don't really know why. It bothers me immensely.
Anyway, that's my story. Make of it what you will.
Friday, November 09, 2018
Requiescat in pace
I've written a little about the estrangement between my father and myself in this blog over the years. The photo below is a photo of my family, one of only a couple of photos of my mom, dad, and me together. We really were three individual people with no real cohesiveness as a family, except at dinnertime, which we spent together. My mom had ceramics as a hobby, my dad had his radio room, and I read a lot, escaping into fantasy. My first six years of life my dad was mostly in southeast Asia during the Vietnam War. At 15, my parents divorced and my mom and I moved back to Danville and I withdrew further into myself. I tried to keep a relationship with my dad for a while, but there wasn't much of a foundation to build on and a lot of negativity to overcome. Finally, 25 years ago, when I was 26, we broke off contact with each other entirely and went our separate ways. I changed my name. The years passed. I got a better perspective of just how dysfunctional my family was, but also how it probably was from my parents' perspectives. With age comes wisdom. I used to be angry with my father and later realised that some of that anger should have been directed elsewhere. I haven't been angry in a while. We just never were going to be the family I wanted us to be. I accepted it. My mother's death last year brought some closure regarding that. We had talked out some of it. And the rest didn't so much matter anymore with her gone.
The other day I found out my dad was in hospice. He died last night, peacefully. I don't really know how I feel. I'm kind of la-la-la-ing in my head. I wish we could have had a better relationship. We couldn't. Just because you're related by blood doesn't automatically make people love you.
Anyway, for what is worth, I wish you peace, Daddy. I'm sorry we couldn't make it as a family. Rest in peace, Allan Joseph Broadbent, August 19, 1947-November 8, 2018.
It's hard to believe they're both gone. They were my world when I was younger. We moved from place to place due to him being a career airman, and with no siblings of my own, my main interaction, for good and bad, was with them. They were just 19 when they married, and I was already on the way. Neither of them was particularly ready for a child, an admittedly good child who mostly read but was overly-sensitive and kind of a cry-baby and too bright but socially awkward for her own good.
Sunday, March 04, 2018
A quiet day
I've just been doing some caffeinating, chores, and I've pretty much been on the computer and visiting with YKWIA all day. I'm still in my pyjamas, although YKWIA is working on a grocery list, so that may change. I really need a shower but I'm going to try to wait until this evening so I can save time tomorrow before work. The bed isn't made because the cat is happy and quietly sleeping on my blankets, and I don't want to disturb him. But I've been doing laundry, did the cat boxes, took out the trash and recyclables, and mopped the floor (again--it was so muddy yesterday that it looked awful, even after going over with a dry mop after the wet one and a rag. It doesn't look much better today. I think the sponge mops are just not doing well, so we need a yarn one whose mophead can be removed and washed).
Yesterday I had considered going to Danville and visiting my mom's grave. I had texted my stepfather with my plans to see if he wanted to get together, but I didn't hear back from him. I did do a search and his mom died on Christmas Eve, so in one year he lost my mom, their dog (who died shortly after Momma), and his mom, who was 95. I liked her. In the obituary, I found it listed a partner for him, who I suspect is a younger woman who helped take care of my mother while she was ill. She was a friend of his son and lived there for awhile, and they were going out to eat, etc., last I spoke with him. John is the type of guy, kind of a mama's boy, who needs someone in his life. I don't know how I feel about the timeframe, but really, it's not my business. If she's helping him get over his grief, I guess that's good, but I think she came with some drama all her own, and I don't know if that's good for him. But that's his choice.
Anyway, instead of going to the gravesite, I burned a candle for my mom and generally kept her in my thoughts. It's hard to believe it's been a year.
I went briefly to H&R Block yesterday to see about filing my taxes, or at least seeing how much I'm going to owe the federal, state, and local governments, but I can't pay for the preparation unless they let me make payments or I save up between now and then, now that I have a better idea of how much it will be. The lady is going to check on whether they can do payments. If not, I'll have to wait until later in the season to see how bad it will be. I can barely do that; there are three paycheques between now and filing deadline. But she did glance at things, and particularly due to the 1099 issue, it's going to be grim, obviously. When I got home I was depressed but I did look at my finances. I can do it, but not pay some bills I'm already behind on if I do. :( I also checked my income vs. outgo for the month when I'm not behind. Basically, my income and bills leave me $83 a month for food.
We didn't play the game today due to a stomach bug one of the players may have. So that's why it's been fairly quiet. I'm carefully doing the laundry as YKWIA's may have some poison ivy where he went and used tools Brenda let him borrow to cut down as much as he could to destroy a vine that takes up most of the back of the house. It was as thick as a small tree and it took two hours to hack apart, but he was determined to get it. Then he put some really potent stuff on it that is an herbicide, and will take it down when it dies back. Better him than me. He reacted in a very minor way; I react much more strongly. So he's in charge of that and I'm being careful with the laundry in the meantime.
I have had several seed catalogues downloaded from the Internet or arriving at the house, and that has perked me up. Neither of us really has any money at the moment to buy anything, but they're relaxing to peruse. It's nice to dream. The crocuses outside have come and gone, the tulips are up, the hyacinths are blooming. The neighbour has her resurrection lilies greenery up. (It dies back and then sends up a flower stalk later in the season). The roses are greening up and sending out shoots. Everything is very mossy and happy out there. I love when the world starts waking up again and things start growing. Spring is my favourite season.
I made a sign for work in line with some the others have. It lists some favourite things: vacation spot (at home gardening), colour (purple), favourite season (spring), favourite game (Call of Cthulhu). I've got it wrapped up and put in my bookbag, which I managed to clean out properly so it is much lighter.
Okay, I think I am going to finish the laundry and do some studying/reading. Hope you're having a good weekend.
Yesterday I had considered going to Danville and visiting my mom's grave. I had texted my stepfather with my plans to see if he wanted to get together, but I didn't hear back from him. I did do a search and his mom died on Christmas Eve, so in one year he lost my mom, their dog (who died shortly after Momma), and his mom, who was 95. I liked her. In the obituary, I found it listed a partner for him, who I suspect is a younger woman who helped take care of my mother while she was ill. She was a friend of his son and lived there for awhile, and they were going out to eat, etc., last I spoke with him. John is the type of guy, kind of a mama's boy, who needs someone in his life. I don't know how I feel about the timeframe, but really, it's not my business. If she's helping him get over his grief, I guess that's good, but I think she came with some drama all her own, and I don't know if that's good for him. But that's his choice.
Anyway, instead of going to the gravesite, I burned a candle for my mom and generally kept her in my thoughts. It's hard to believe it's been a year.
I went briefly to H&R Block yesterday to see about filing my taxes, or at least seeing how much I'm going to owe the federal, state, and local governments, but I can't pay for the preparation unless they let me make payments or I save up between now and then, now that I have a better idea of how much it will be. The lady is going to check on whether they can do payments. If not, I'll have to wait until later in the season to see how bad it will be. I can barely do that; there are three paycheques between now and filing deadline. But she did glance at things, and particularly due to the 1099 issue, it's going to be grim, obviously. When I got home I was depressed but I did look at my finances. I can do it, but not pay some bills I'm already behind on if I do. :( I also checked my income vs. outgo for the month when I'm not behind. Basically, my income and bills leave me $83 a month for food.
We didn't play the game today due to a stomach bug one of the players may have. So that's why it's been fairly quiet. I'm carefully doing the laundry as YKWIA's may have some poison ivy where he went and used tools Brenda let him borrow to cut down as much as he could to destroy a vine that takes up most of the back of the house. It was as thick as a small tree and it took two hours to hack apart, but he was determined to get it. Then he put some really potent stuff on it that is an herbicide, and will take it down when it dies back. Better him than me. He reacted in a very minor way; I react much more strongly. So he's in charge of that and I'm being careful with the laundry in the meantime.
I have had several seed catalogues downloaded from the Internet or arriving at the house, and that has perked me up. Neither of us really has any money at the moment to buy anything, but they're relaxing to peruse. It's nice to dream. The crocuses outside have come and gone, the tulips are up, the hyacinths are blooming. The neighbour has her resurrection lilies greenery up. (It dies back and then sends up a flower stalk later in the season). The roses are greening up and sending out shoots. Everything is very mossy and happy out there. I love when the world starts waking up again and things start growing. Spring is my favourite season.
I made a sign for work in line with some the others have. It lists some favourite things: vacation spot (at home gardening), colour (purple), favourite season (spring), favourite game (Call of Cthulhu). I've got it wrapped up and put in my bookbag, which I managed to clean out properly so it is much lighter.
Okay, I think I am going to finish the laundry and do some studying/reading. Hope you're having a good weekend.
Sunday, February 11, 2018
We're coming up on the anniversary
of my mother's death, March 2nd. I'm thinking about going down to Danville on the 3rd of March to lay some flowers at her grave and visit it for a while. I'm going to text my step-father to see if he wants to meet for lunch somewhere in Danville that day, so maybe we can catch up. I haven't seen him since May when he brought some family pictures up for me and we talked for a couple of hours. He was incredibly good to her, especially in her last illness. I want to check up on him and make sure he's doing okay. We're not especially close, and he has a lot of drama in his family that I try to stay away from. But I do like him; he's my favourite step-father, and I must admit I probably like him better than my father, with whom I haven't spoken since 1993.
Momma is buried in Bellevue Cemetery in Danville. I checked the regulations, and it should be fine to bring some real cut flowers and lay them on her grave. I'm thinking about some nice tulips. She probably liked roses better, but tulips are a herald of spring. I always thought it was sad she didn't live to see the renewal of life in spring. She despised gladiolas, though--that I know. It reminded her of funerals.
Okay, I'm going to attend to a needy cat who wants love (and food, but it's not time yet).
Momma is buried in Bellevue Cemetery in Danville. I checked the regulations, and it should be fine to bring some real cut flowers and lay them on her grave. I'm thinking about some nice tulips. She probably liked roses better, but tulips are a herald of spring. I always thought it was sad she didn't live to see the renewal of life in spring. She despised gladiolas, though--that I know. It reminded her of funerals.
Okay, I'm going to attend to a needy cat who wants love (and food, but it's not time yet).
Wednesday, July 05, 2017
After a fairly stressful day
(and holding my bladder for something like three hours, as I was in check-out at work most of the day by myself), I relaxed and visited, first with my stepfather, and then with my best friend. So I feel recharged to some degree. But I really need to learn to just walk away from my desk at times and not take everything so seriously. I feel a little like I'm on an assembly line, with a lot more juggling and concentration. I know part of my occasional frustration is my OCD--I have trouble leaving something unfinished. On the other hand, at 5:15, when I was 15 minutes over and had to leave to meet my stepfather, I just had to close my door and tell the next person bringing a family up that we would call them with an appointment. I can't stay until the last patient is gone every time, and today was a very busy day, so there were still patients in clinic, of course. Anyway, the good thing is that despite that, I kept up pretty well in terms of the queue running smoothly. Now let's hope I can do so tomorrow without being so tense.
After work, my stepfather John came up and we visited for about an hour. He's having a hard time with my mom's death, and Sassy, their dog, died not long after. Then YKWIA and I visited while he cooked. He gave me a taste of the avocado soup and the salad, which had rice, curry, olives, and a bunch of other good things in it, although he was going to chill it to enhance the flavour.
Okay, one of my tasks for today was to get to bed by midnight. Morning comes early. I don't want a repeat of today, where I overslept and it put me off all day. Good night.
After work, my stepfather John came up and we visited for about an hour. He's having a hard time with my mom's death, and Sassy, their dog, died not long after. Then YKWIA and I visited while he cooked. He gave me a taste of the avocado soup and the salad, which had rice, curry, olives, and a bunch of other good things in it, although he was going to chill it to enhance the flavour.
Okay, one of my tasks for today was to get to bed by midnight. Morning comes early. I don't want a repeat of today, where I overslept and it put me off all day. Good night.
Friday, March 17, 2017
I just spent the last four hours
rearranging and cleaning my living room (and I'm not completely finished, as I'm going through and getting stuff together for Goodwill and I still need to file some papers and put other things away). But, in that time I:
Speaking of which, I was listening to Pandora, and heard the song 'Supermarket Flowers' by Ed Sheeran off his new album, about losing a mom. My mom and I didn't always have the best relationship, and for my youth we were too enmeshed, but this kind of says it all.
PS: The early literacy programme is a go after all. It tore me up that I thought they were going to end it after seventeen years. Also, I offered my regular medical books up to staff today (after various departments had their shot of them to take to the new building), and then left for a doctor's appointment so I didn't see the response except for the first couple of people. But I expect the shelves will be pretty bare on Monday, and then we can donate anything that's left to Dr. Viji's charity. I have some other books that will most likely go to the public library, parenting books and things on various challenges and disorders kids have and how to deal with them. Sigh. This is all going so quickly.
- Finally threw away all the plants that were infested with mealybugs or otherwise questionable.
- Disinfected the area so that I can bring my other plants home.
- Rearranged my computer desk, printer stand, TV, speaker, and loveseat so that I can work better in the living room while job searching.
- Moved a filing cabinet into the living room near the computer for the same reason, making room so that I can take books off the bookshelf that was next to it in the dining room/entryway, and put it flush against the wall instead of as you enter, so that it opens up the entryway on that end. In rearranging the living room, I opened up things on the living room side.
- Collected a lot of random stuff that could just be thrown away.
- Re-wired just about every bit of technology in the room (yes, I am that girl, who is the go-to person for running cables and wires).
- Changed the lights around so the dimmer light comes on when the entryway light switch is used, and the brighter one is near the computer for better use.
- Put together a convertible hand truck/dolly that will help me get stuff out of the house during my purge.
Speaking of which, I was listening to Pandora, and heard the song 'Supermarket Flowers' by Ed Sheeran off his new album, about losing a mom. My mom and I didn't always have the best relationship, and for my youth we were too enmeshed, but this kind of says it all.
PS: The early literacy programme is a go after all. It tore me up that I thought they were going to end it after seventeen years. Also, I offered my regular medical books up to staff today (after various departments had their shot of them to take to the new building), and then left for a doctor's appointment so I didn't see the response except for the first couple of people. But I expect the shelves will be pretty bare on Monday, and then we can donate anything that's left to Dr. Viji's charity. I have some other books that will most likely go to the public library, parenting books and things on various challenges and disorders kids have and how to deal with them. Sigh. This is all going so quickly.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
I took a bit of a break from blogging
after losing my mom. In fact, I took Wednesday to be mostly to myself and sort of process everything. Once I went back to work on Thursday, I played catch-up over the next couple of days. I was lucky, they found some way for someone else to do my data entry, in a totally different way than I do, so I had a large stack of papers waiting for me that were already finished. Yay! But I was still very busy both Thursday and Friday. The library is full of flowers, as the freesias are still blooming, and the orchid (the other is getting ready to). I brought some lovely potted, fragrant tulips in from my mom's funeral, and someone donated flowers from another funeral to the hospital and one of sthe recreation therapists brought some lovely pink roses and carnations in a vase to me.
Friday my friends' cat, who has fought kidney disease for years, was doing poorly, with laboured breathing and obviously having trouble. So the next morning we went to the vet and they had him put down. He was a great kitty, eighteen years old, and he had a wonderful life with them. I took one of my friends to work, and then I came on home. The one who was closest to the cat wanted to be alone for awhile. I understood. That's how I felt with my mom. So it's been a difficult week or so with loss.
Today I brought them a card for sympathy on the loss of a pet. Brenda came over, and instead of playing the game, really, we just chatted and visited, and we all had a good time. I think the companionship helped my friend. One of the dogs kept looking for the missing kitty last night, checking where he used to sleep. The other cat is definitely missing him, especially at mealtimes, and has been very demonstrative, more so than normal. So the whole family is grieving, and we've all been very sad. But my friend did an amazing job with the cat, who was given a year at most to live over three years ago, and his quality of life was very good up to the end. I will confess that I cried a lot over him, probably on par with what I did with my mom or even a little more. Animals are my soft spot. It doesn't mean I loved my mom any less, but she'd had such a hard time, it was a blessing when she died. And I think the grief for both just snowballed together, and where I didn't feel I could really cry for my mother, at least at the funeral, or break down, when I was by myself I no longer cared, and I grieved for both.
I think what strikes me the most, in both cases, is the absolute void left behind. I keep thinking of sharing things with my mom, or about how she'd like this or that, and then I realise she's gone. With the cat, it's little things, like feeding just one scoop of food rather than two during tonight's feeding, or watching Brenda rub the ears of the other cat and realising I would miss cleaning the kitty's ears. I was the only one he would tolerate to do it, even years ago when he really disliked me (I once chased him with a broom trying to corral him for the vet, and he had a long memory, but the last few years he finally warmed up to me and was very loving).
Anyway, I'm home now. A should call for a ride from work in about 35 minutes. I'm not used to the time change yet. I was actually up during it last night. I'm still having some trouble sleeping in the middle of the night. I'm listening to the Bastille station on Pandora (right now I'm listening to 'Holes' by Passenger). I've spent the last day or two applying for jobs for a friend; I'm not going to do any more of that today. But I got several in for him the last day or two. And I have some to apply for myself, as well, especially needing to do cover letters. I hate cover letters. But I recognise their importance, and one day I will get a job due to a great and polished cover letter. In the meantime, I keep practicing. :)
Okay, I think I'll sign off and get some things done before it's time to get A and then on to bed. I have 19 days left before my last day at work; 15 workdays, actually. It'll be a very busy week coming up. Good night.
Friday my friends' cat, who has fought kidney disease for years, was doing poorly, with laboured breathing and obviously having trouble. So the next morning we went to the vet and they had him put down. He was a great kitty, eighteen years old, and he had a wonderful life with them. I took one of my friends to work, and then I came on home. The one who was closest to the cat wanted to be alone for awhile. I understood. That's how I felt with my mom. So it's been a difficult week or so with loss.
Today I brought them a card for sympathy on the loss of a pet. Brenda came over, and instead of playing the game, really, we just chatted and visited, and we all had a good time. I think the companionship helped my friend. One of the dogs kept looking for the missing kitty last night, checking where he used to sleep. The other cat is definitely missing him, especially at mealtimes, and has been very demonstrative, more so than normal. So the whole family is grieving, and we've all been very sad. But my friend did an amazing job with the cat, who was given a year at most to live over three years ago, and his quality of life was very good up to the end. I will confess that I cried a lot over him, probably on par with what I did with my mom or even a little more. Animals are my soft spot. It doesn't mean I loved my mom any less, but she'd had such a hard time, it was a blessing when she died. And I think the grief for both just snowballed together, and where I didn't feel I could really cry for my mother, at least at the funeral, or break down, when I was by myself I no longer cared, and I grieved for both.
I think what strikes me the most, in both cases, is the absolute void left behind. I keep thinking of sharing things with my mom, or about how she'd like this or that, and then I realise she's gone. With the cat, it's little things, like feeding just one scoop of food rather than two during tonight's feeding, or watching Brenda rub the ears of the other cat and realising I would miss cleaning the kitty's ears. I was the only one he would tolerate to do it, even years ago when he really disliked me (I once chased him with a broom trying to corral him for the vet, and he had a long memory, but the last few years he finally warmed up to me and was very loving).
Anyway, I'm home now. A should call for a ride from work in about 35 minutes. I'm not used to the time change yet. I was actually up during it last night. I'm still having some trouble sleeping in the middle of the night. I'm listening to the Bastille station on Pandora (right now I'm listening to 'Holes' by Passenger). I've spent the last day or two applying for jobs for a friend; I'm not going to do any more of that today. But I got several in for him the last day or two. And I have some to apply for myself, as well, especially needing to do cover letters. I hate cover letters. But I recognise their importance, and one day I will get a job due to a great and polished cover letter. In the meantime, I keep practicing. :)
Okay, I think I'll sign off and get some things done before it's time to get A and then on to bed. I have 19 days left before my last day at work; 15 workdays, actually. It'll be a very busy week coming up. Good night.
Tuesday, March 07, 2017
I'm back home from my trip
I drove back from Danville today. It's been raining for two days; it seems to always rain for funerals, although of course they happen on sunny days, too, but it still seems to, at least in our family. I did alright on the trip down until I reached the Danville city limits, and everything suddenly seemed very real. I met my aunts and uncles at the funeral home at 9 am (the family usually arrives an hour before visitation for a private visitation). My step-father came up. I must say, the staff of the funeral home (Preston-Pruitt-Spurlin) were very attentive and good at striking that difficult balance of being available when needed and generally in the background so the focus is on celebrating the deceased life. I would highly recommend them.
I have trouble with visitations usually, and in my own funeral plans, there isn't one. There seems to be something a little strange about chatting around a dead body, at least as far as I am concerned. However, I realise it often helps some with the grieving process. But at the very first visitation I attended, my great-grandfather's corpse looked very life-like, and my great-grandmother, who had Alzheimer's, stood up from her wheelchair and begged him to wake up. It made a lasting impression.
They did a good job with Momma, but in the end, the body is still just a shell, and it wasn't really my mother there in the casket. Still, it was hard seeing her there. There were quite a few people who came by, about half her family and about half people John knew. My workplace sent a giant peace-lily for the funeral, and the flowers were in various shades of pink and red, which went well with the lighting and Momma's pure white casket.
The intention had been to have photos on a loop on a screen during the visitation, but they could only do that using a CD rather than the jump drive they were on. Still, people connected and shared memories.
The service went well. I'm not Christian, but my mother was a member, like her parents before her, of Gethsemane Baptist Church, and the pastor there did the service, which did involve preaching and payer, but at least he had met my mom and talked with her more than once. When my great-grandmother, the one with Alzheimer's, died, the preacher had apparently not seen her, as he declared her to have been infirm in body but sharp in mind, which was complete lie.
John requested two songs to be played, 'In the Garden' and 'Amazing Grace', the latter on the bagpipes. That brought some tears to my eyes when it played. I remember my mom being so upset at my grandfather's funeral that they played the song on some sort of recorded bell, rather than on the pipes, when my grandfather had wanted it in full Scottish fashion. That was another funeral home, of course. My mom was a stickler for details in funerals. At my grandmother's my mom was annoyed that the casket had pink carnations on it instead of pink roses, my grandmother's choice. So I'm glad hers went well. Instead of flowers on the casket, John had brought in a quilt she had loved and they laid that on it, and the colours worked well with the flowers that people sent.
After the service, we drove as part of the funeral cortege a few blocks to the cemetery. I've never actually driven in one, before. The Danville police escorted us and did an excellent job. At the cemetery entrance, one blocked the oncoming lane and stood at attention. It was very respectful and I appreciated it.
After the graveside service, we went back and got the flowers, and then met up at Cheddar's to eat and visit. I went back to the hotel my family was staying at and changed clothes and got out of the pantyhose (which I had found at Meijer's actually, along with some underwear.) We went and visited with my cousin Buddy for awhile and then ate dinner at Cracker Barrel, and I had a good meal despite the fact that I don't eat meat, except for fish. It's a little bit of a challenge with 'country-style' cooking, but I had lemon pepper rainbow trout with a baked sweet potato, fried apples, and macaroni and cheese. Buddy picked up the entire tab; my aunt and uncle had picked up lunch for John and me, and then I stayed in their hotel room on a pull-out sofa bed, so my trip there cost nothing but the gas, for which I was very grateful. I am so glad my family was there for so many reasons; they were a great comfort.
I'm doing pretty well emotionally. I've never been particularly demonstrative upon the death of a loved one; it usually comes in short bouts of emotion for a few days, and I've been very fortunate in that my relatives' deaths have not be untimely, for the most part. Momma had been in pain for some time, a constant string of bouncing back between hospital, nursing home, and home, and apparently the last few days were nearly unbearable.
I must give a special thanks to John, her husband, who saw her through all that and helped her bear it all.
So while there is an empty place in my life where my mother had been, I can't say I am sad to the point of devastation at her death. It was time. It was kinder to let her go. None of us wanted to see her continue to suffer, although it was hard to let go. I think I came to terms with it before my step-father did; he saw her every day. I saw her every few weeks and could see just how quickly the toll her illness was having on her. My mom was only 69. She looked much older, and had wasted away to almost nothing. It's sad to see her go; I will miss her, of course, but I am glad her suffering is at an end. I keep feeling like I should be grieving more demonstrably; this was my mother, after all, and we were very close once upon a time. But I guess grief comes in many forms. I keep finding myself thinking of talking to her or showing her something, and it's like I suddenly remember she isn't there, and that's when I'm sad.
I'm writing this on the laptop while lying in bed, which isn't the best, of course. I think it's time to close. I think I'll take one more day off (I have three days of bereavement leave) alone to sort out my emotions. Yesterday and today were about family and friends. Tomorrow I want to take some time to myself and, as they say, decompress. Good night.
I have trouble with visitations usually, and in my own funeral plans, there isn't one. There seems to be something a little strange about chatting around a dead body, at least as far as I am concerned. However, I realise it often helps some with the grieving process. But at the very first visitation I attended, my great-grandfather's corpse looked very life-like, and my great-grandmother, who had Alzheimer's, stood up from her wheelchair and begged him to wake up. It made a lasting impression.
They did a good job with Momma, but in the end, the body is still just a shell, and it wasn't really my mother there in the casket. Still, it was hard seeing her there. There were quite a few people who came by, about half her family and about half people John knew. My workplace sent a giant peace-lily for the funeral, and the flowers were in various shades of pink and red, which went well with the lighting and Momma's pure white casket.
The intention had been to have photos on a loop on a screen during the visitation, but they could only do that using a CD rather than the jump drive they were on. Still, people connected and shared memories.
The service went well. I'm not Christian, but my mother was a member, like her parents before her, of Gethsemane Baptist Church, and the pastor there did the service, which did involve preaching and payer, but at least he had met my mom and talked with her more than once. When my great-grandmother, the one with Alzheimer's, died, the preacher had apparently not seen her, as he declared her to have been infirm in body but sharp in mind, which was complete lie.
John requested two songs to be played, 'In the Garden' and 'Amazing Grace', the latter on the bagpipes. That brought some tears to my eyes when it played. I remember my mom being so upset at my grandfather's funeral that they played the song on some sort of recorded bell, rather than on the pipes, when my grandfather had wanted it in full Scottish fashion. That was another funeral home, of course. My mom was a stickler for details in funerals. At my grandmother's my mom was annoyed that the casket had pink carnations on it instead of pink roses, my grandmother's choice. So I'm glad hers went well. Instead of flowers on the casket, John had brought in a quilt she had loved and they laid that on it, and the colours worked well with the flowers that people sent.
After the service, we drove as part of the funeral cortege a few blocks to the cemetery. I've never actually driven in one, before. The Danville police escorted us and did an excellent job. At the cemetery entrance, one blocked the oncoming lane and stood at attention. It was very respectful and I appreciated it.
After the graveside service, we went back and got the flowers, and then met up at Cheddar's to eat and visit. I went back to the hotel my family was staying at and changed clothes and got out of the pantyhose (which I had found at Meijer's actually, along with some underwear.) We went and visited with my cousin Buddy for awhile and then ate dinner at Cracker Barrel, and I had a good meal despite the fact that I don't eat meat, except for fish. It's a little bit of a challenge with 'country-style' cooking, but I had lemon pepper rainbow trout with a baked sweet potato, fried apples, and macaroni and cheese. Buddy picked up the entire tab; my aunt and uncle had picked up lunch for John and me, and then I stayed in their hotel room on a pull-out sofa bed, so my trip there cost nothing but the gas, for which I was very grateful. I am so glad my family was there for so many reasons; they were a great comfort.
I'm doing pretty well emotionally. I've never been particularly demonstrative upon the death of a loved one; it usually comes in short bouts of emotion for a few days, and I've been very fortunate in that my relatives' deaths have not be untimely, for the most part. Momma had been in pain for some time, a constant string of bouncing back between hospital, nursing home, and home, and apparently the last few days were nearly unbearable.
I must give a special thanks to John, her husband, who saw her through all that and helped her bear it all.
So while there is an empty place in my life where my mother had been, I can't say I am sad to the point of devastation at her death. It was time. It was kinder to let her go. None of us wanted to see her continue to suffer, although it was hard to let go. I think I came to terms with it before my step-father did; he saw her every day. I saw her every few weeks and could see just how quickly the toll her illness was having on her. My mom was only 69. She looked much older, and had wasted away to almost nothing. It's sad to see her go; I will miss her, of course, but I am glad her suffering is at an end. I keep feeling like I should be grieving more demonstrably; this was my mother, after all, and we were very close once upon a time. But I guess grief comes in many forms. I keep finding myself thinking of talking to her or showing her something, and it's like I suddenly remember she isn't there, and that's when I'm sad.
I'm writing this on the laptop while lying in bed, which isn't the best, of course. I think it's time to close. I think I'll take one more day off (I have three days of bereavement leave) alone to sort out my emotions. Yesterday and today were about family and friends. Tomorrow I want to take some time to myself and, as they say, decompress. Good night.
Saturday, March 04, 2017
Earlier today
I shuttled my friends to their appointment, to the store, and got A to work, helped YKWIA a bit at home, and then came home, tired (I couldn't sleep last night after cooking till late at YKWIA's--I think I was finally able to get to sleep at about 3:30 am, so my insomnia is continuing somewhat). It was a bright, sunny afternoon and had warmed up quite a bit, so I opened the bedroom window, got into some comfy clothes, and took a nap. I'm thinking that was about 4 or so. Now I'm awake and it's 7:40. That might cause an issue later tonight, but at least I slept well for a bit.
My aunts and uncles are going to be able to come in for the visitation and funeral, which is Monday. The ones in Georgia are driving up tomorrow, and the ones in Texas, bless their hearts, were working overtime to find a flight in, and the closest they could get was Nashville, and then drive three hours. So they're travelling tomorrow, too. I'm not sure about my cousins--one is on the West Coast for work and can't come, another is in meetings in Georgia, but I'm glad my mom's sister and brother and their spouses will be able to.
I need to pick my friend up from work tonight and tomorrow night, so I'll drive down on Monday morning. It's about 35 miles away, so not too bad, and I'll be going against morning traffic. I have a dress picked out (thanks to YKWIA, who informed me that the dress I wore to my grandmother's funeral would need more than Spanx to fit correctly). It's a dress I bought for a vow renewal a few years ago, a deep purple covered in black lace--not exactly ideal, but it's nice, respectful (well, if I wear a camisole under that neckline, and I think my mom would approve.) I do need to find some hose to go with it, which can be a challenge at my size (there's a reason I wear summer skirts and otherwise pants). I may actually have to break down and go to the Evil Empire (aka Walmart), where I do not usually shop. We'll see.
Tomorrow we are not playing the game. I could probably have used the distraction, but on the other hand, will have a little extra time to do some things. I also desperately need to do laundry tomorrow. I actually went out to Gabriel Brothers the other night looking for underwear (they usually have my size, unlike most other places in town that aren't a 'plus-sized women's' store, and much cheaper, because with YKWIA sick, I haven't done my laundry. But I had no luck. Fortunately I dug around and found some to get me through tomorrow. So I'll go over there and do that and help him out if needed, or maybe we'll watch something on streaming video.
I also realised today that I missed renewing some books that were due the day she died, which I rectified, so I have some fines. I've paused my tracking, to-do items on Habitica so that by not doing them I will not affect the members of my party. Funny how little things slip and then come to mind later in times like this. I've e-mailed my family back and forth, and texted with my step-father, who sounds exhausted. I've texted that I won't be to work to my bosses (well, I know I got through to one; the other may be an old number, so I'll leave a message at work as well). I'll get some gas tomorrow for the trip. I had thought about staying down in a hotel Monday night. I'll keep it as an option, but for now, the plan is to just go down, go to the visitation and service, go the the graveside and know where she is to be buried, and maybe out to eat and spend some time with my family, then come back that evening. I may take Tuesday off , though, as I have three days' bereavement leave, and I'm not sure it's really hit yet, and may not until the actual funeral.
I debated contacting my estranged father to let him know she had died. We haven't spoken since 1993. but I know where he is on Facebook and could get a hold of him if I wanted to. But I quickly discarded that idea. He basically abandoned us in the 80s to pursue other women and a freer life without us, and I suspect he always felt rather trapped by my mother, who got pregnant before they broke up, then found out, and within a month his mom had pressured him to marry her. My mom's parents, I will say, were very good, and even though it was the 60s, offered to let her live at home and not go the marriage route. It's amazing the marriage lasted as long as it did, really.
My dad and I went our separate ways after my grandmother's funeral, when he lied to me and told me the insurance money was part of the estate and instead of asking me to help with expenses, demanded the money ($5,000, at a time when I was a student eating every other day, and he was an engineer who moved to Minnesota for an extra $30,000 a year and who had a policy in his name, as well, for twice that). When I told him I wouldn't give it to him on the advice of my grandfather and YKWIA, he hung up on me, and that was that.
This is a man who moved us to another state, after they sold the house at a loss and my mom lost seniority at work, just so he could then tell her while we were in the motel that he was seeing someone else and wanted a divorce. It was devastating, and it took her years to get over the financial and other repercussions. He doesn't deserve to know.
Besides, while she had four husbands total (one of whom she was widowed by), her current husband and she were together longer than any of them (my dad was about 16 years; John has that surpassed). John has been incredibly good to my mom, and has been a great companion, who took care of her in her illness day in and day out, and I can't thank him enough for being there. I couldn't have done it, even without working.
When I was growing up, my mom and I were inseparable, even enmeshed to a great degree by the time I reached adulthood. As an only child, there'd just been the two of us, especially while my father was overseas and then when he left. As I got older, though, we drifted apart, and we were not as close as many moms and daughters that I know. We each had our own lives, and checked in with each other every few weeks, and then I'd go visit about every three months or so, and at the holidays. Momma tended to reach out to me more when she wasn't married, as she didn't have as much going on. As years went on and I did a lot of examination, I realised a lot of my issues came from our relationship rather than just my issues with my dad. And we talked about them a little, and we worked some of that out, but generally, we just lived our own lives and then came together every now and then. But we never cut ties like my dad and I did.
Despite that, I have found myself constantly thinking things over the last few days that bring my mom to mind. 'Oh, I should tell Momma that. Wait, I can't.' or 'Momma would love this blouse I found. But she'll never see it.' That sort of thing. I guess that's to be expected, but it hurts. The finality is starting to sink in.
Finally, let me just say that having watched the effects of end-stage liver disease, and even though she was never able to get a liver or even be placed on the list for one, she held out hope for that, and it would have changed her life around for the better. Please consider being an organ donor. There are thousands of people living, barely, who would benefit from that call that says, come in, we have a (insert organ here), that will have their lives transformed for the better. You won't need them any more. Why not donate life in your passing?
Okay, I'm going to sign off for now. I've been typing for an hour. Funny, I usually listen to music to relax, even more than anything else, and I've had trouble doing that since she died, because certain lyrics cause me to cry, etc. The only song I've sought out has been Rob Thomas' 'Now Comes the Night', a song I'd like played at my own funeral. I find it comforting. Here it is:
My aunts and uncles are going to be able to come in for the visitation and funeral, which is Monday. The ones in Georgia are driving up tomorrow, and the ones in Texas, bless their hearts, were working overtime to find a flight in, and the closest they could get was Nashville, and then drive three hours. So they're travelling tomorrow, too. I'm not sure about my cousins--one is on the West Coast for work and can't come, another is in meetings in Georgia, but I'm glad my mom's sister and brother and their spouses will be able to.
I need to pick my friend up from work tonight and tomorrow night, so I'll drive down on Monday morning. It's about 35 miles away, so not too bad, and I'll be going against morning traffic. I have a dress picked out (thanks to YKWIA, who informed me that the dress I wore to my grandmother's funeral would need more than Spanx to fit correctly). It's a dress I bought for a vow renewal a few years ago, a deep purple covered in black lace--not exactly ideal, but it's nice, respectful (well, if I wear a camisole under that neckline, and I think my mom would approve.) I do need to find some hose to go with it, which can be a challenge at my size (there's a reason I wear summer skirts and otherwise pants). I may actually have to break down and go to the Evil Empire (aka Walmart), where I do not usually shop. We'll see.
Tomorrow we are not playing the game. I could probably have used the distraction, but on the other hand, will have a little extra time to do some things. I also desperately need to do laundry tomorrow. I actually went out to Gabriel Brothers the other night looking for underwear (they usually have my size, unlike most other places in town that aren't a 'plus-sized women's' store, and much cheaper, because with YKWIA sick, I haven't done my laundry. But I had no luck. Fortunately I dug around and found some to get me through tomorrow. So I'll go over there and do that and help him out if needed, or maybe we'll watch something on streaming video.
I also realised today that I missed renewing some books that were due the day she died, which I rectified, so I have some fines. I've paused my tracking, to-do items on Habitica so that by not doing them I will not affect the members of my party. Funny how little things slip and then come to mind later in times like this. I've e-mailed my family back and forth, and texted with my step-father, who sounds exhausted. I've texted that I won't be to work to my bosses (well, I know I got through to one; the other may be an old number, so I'll leave a message at work as well). I'll get some gas tomorrow for the trip. I had thought about staying down in a hotel Monday night. I'll keep it as an option, but for now, the plan is to just go down, go to the visitation and service, go the the graveside and know where she is to be buried, and maybe out to eat and spend some time with my family, then come back that evening. I may take Tuesday off , though, as I have three days' bereavement leave, and I'm not sure it's really hit yet, and may not until the actual funeral.
I debated contacting my estranged father to let him know she had died. We haven't spoken since 1993. but I know where he is on Facebook and could get a hold of him if I wanted to. But I quickly discarded that idea. He basically abandoned us in the 80s to pursue other women and a freer life without us, and I suspect he always felt rather trapped by my mother, who got pregnant before they broke up, then found out, and within a month his mom had pressured him to marry her. My mom's parents, I will say, were very good, and even though it was the 60s, offered to let her live at home and not go the marriage route. It's amazing the marriage lasted as long as it did, really.
My dad and I went our separate ways after my grandmother's funeral, when he lied to me and told me the insurance money was part of the estate and instead of asking me to help with expenses, demanded the money ($5,000, at a time when I was a student eating every other day, and he was an engineer who moved to Minnesota for an extra $30,000 a year and who had a policy in his name, as well, for twice that). When I told him I wouldn't give it to him on the advice of my grandfather and YKWIA, he hung up on me, and that was that.
This is a man who moved us to another state, after they sold the house at a loss and my mom lost seniority at work, just so he could then tell her while we were in the motel that he was seeing someone else and wanted a divorce. It was devastating, and it took her years to get over the financial and other repercussions. He doesn't deserve to know.
When I was growing up, my mom and I were inseparable, even enmeshed to a great degree by the time I reached adulthood. As an only child, there'd just been the two of us, especially while my father was overseas and then when he left. As I got older, though, we drifted apart, and we were not as close as many moms and daughters that I know. We each had our own lives, and checked in with each other every few weeks, and then I'd go visit about every three months or so, and at the holidays. Momma tended to reach out to me more when she wasn't married, as she didn't have as much going on. As years went on and I did a lot of examination, I realised a lot of my issues came from our relationship rather than just my issues with my dad. And we talked about them a little, and we worked some of that out, but generally, we just lived our own lives and then came together every now and then. But we never cut ties like my dad and I did.
Despite that, I have found myself constantly thinking things over the last few days that bring my mom to mind. 'Oh, I should tell Momma that. Wait, I can't.' or 'Momma would love this blouse I found. But she'll never see it.' That sort of thing. I guess that's to be expected, but it hurts. The finality is starting to sink in.
Finally, let me just say that having watched the effects of end-stage liver disease, and even though she was never able to get a liver or even be placed on the list for one, she held out hope for that, and it would have changed her life around for the better. Please consider being an organ donor. There are thousands of people living, barely, who would benefit from that call that says, come in, we have a (insert organ here), that will have their lives transformed for the better. You won't need them any more. Why not donate life in your passing?
Okay, I'm going to sign off for now. I've been typing for an hour. Funny, I usually listen to music to relax, even more than anything else, and I've had trouble doing that since she died, because certain lyrics cause me to cry, etc. The only song I've sought out has been Rob Thomas' 'Now Comes the Night', a song I'd like played at my own funeral. I find it comforting. Here it is:
Friday, March 03, 2017
Sad
My mom was my first friend. She is at peace now. She died this afternoon. Requiescat in pace, Phyllis Montgomery, August 3, 1947-March 2, 2017.
Wednesday, March 01, 2017
I rested for a bit this afternoon
because I'd gotten so bad that while driving over by Time Warner Cable, I ran up on a kerb, and then when I went to hang up my keys, I missed the hook twice and had to fish them out from behind a table. I wasn't doing well. Right after I blogged, I got a text from my step-father that my mother is doing very badly...she hasn't eaten in two days, and just stares ahead and isn't responsive. He doesn't think she has very long at all. I mentioned the other day why I don't plan to visit her in the house, but even if I was going to go--I couldn't have driven safely at all. I let him know this and let my other aunt know (he texted both me and my mom's sister).
Sigh. I feel awful. I want to be with her. On the other hand, it doesn't sound like she recognises anything at this point. I just hope it's peaceful and without pain or suffering. My step-father's taken very good care of her, and I know he'll be devastated. I'm oddly...detached. I don't know if it's some sort of coping mechanism, or what. I don't know how I'll react when she passes, and I am occasionally crying tonight, but mostly it's like my brain is trying to curl up in a ball and pretend it's not really happening. I hate that feeling.
My libations were moved, due to my perimenopause, to dark of the moon, rather than during my period, a traditional time of worship for Her (Hekate). However, since the beginning of the year, I've been poor to the point of a dollar or less in my account at the time, and I never think to get the wine ahead of time, so I promised a full bottle and honey as soon as my tax refund came in, even though it is now a waxing crescent. So I ventured out to Liquor Barn just a little while ago and got a bottle of wine and then some things at Kroger. Now I'm tired again, but my head's not hurting like it was and I can think reasonably straight. But I'm going to take the opportunity to pray tonight, as Hekate also accompanies the souls of the dead.
I know that death is a natural consequence of life, but this sucks. I know my mom doesn't want to die (who does, usually?) and I'm not sure she'd come to terms with it. I think they always thought she'd somehow be put on the liver transplant list even with her other issues and her smoking. My mom and I share a dangerous trait, that we keep doing what we want when we want it, without giving much thought to long-term consequences. While her actual condition is genetic and secondary to her diabetes (fatty liver, turning into non-alcoholic cirrhosis, and even hepatic tumours), there were things she should have done a long time ago that would have helped. It's not lost on me that I have some of the same issues, and my liver enzymes are slightly elevated most of the time when they take them. Just like hers were for years. Oh, it may be a medicine you're on. Oh, don't worry, it's just a bit elevated. That's how it was until so suddenly it wasn't.
I'm not trying to be mean about my mom. I'm just saying there were warning signs, and I should heed them, too, so I don't wind up in the same condition. Oh, of course, something will get you in the end. But maybe if I make better choices now, I'll live longer and better. Momma's only 69. Her mother, despite diabetes, was 90. In my family, with the exception of my mom's grandmother, who had a diabetic stroke in her 60s, if you smoke, you live to your 60s or maybe early 70s; if you don't, it's more 80s and even into the 90s. I've never smoked. I have a lot of issues that 'age' me beyond my years, in a way, but if I make changes in my diet and exercise, it can only help. But I've got to do it. Of course, one big change I have no control over that should help is very soon I won't be eating 2-3 meals per day in our cafeteria, which isn't the most nutritious of food (it's mostly fried stuff, pre-packaged, and processed, with an occasional green vegetable, I hate to say). It's been better in the past, especially for vegetarians, but still, it's not the best route I could do.
I've already come up with a schedule for the time I'm off (however long that will be) so I'll keep normal business hours. Today I got an Indeed alert to two more jobs (that's a total of five), one at the university, in the health sciences library. It's closing date is April 25th, but all I have to do is a cover letter and have some friends and colleagues look over my curriculum vitae. Keep your fingers crossed for me. One is with the state, one with a local public library, and three with the university. So things are looking up, which is good, as we're thirty days for closing down.
Okay, I think I will definitely take the trazodone and start making preparations for bed. Good night.
Sigh. I feel awful. I want to be with her. On the other hand, it doesn't sound like she recognises anything at this point. I just hope it's peaceful and without pain or suffering. My step-father's taken very good care of her, and I know he'll be devastated. I'm oddly...detached. I don't know if it's some sort of coping mechanism, or what. I don't know how I'll react when she passes, and I am occasionally crying tonight, but mostly it's like my brain is trying to curl up in a ball and pretend it's not really happening. I hate that feeling.
My libations were moved, due to my perimenopause, to dark of the moon, rather than during my period, a traditional time of worship for Her (Hekate). However, since the beginning of the year, I've been poor to the point of a dollar or less in my account at the time, and I never think to get the wine ahead of time, so I promised a full bottle and honey as soon as my tax refund came in, even though it is now a waxing crescent. So I ventured out to Liquor Barn just a little while ago and got a bottle of wine and then some things at Kroger. Now I'm tired again, but my head's not hurting like it was and I can think reasonably straight. But I'm going to take the opportunity to pray tonight, as Hekate also accompanies the souls of the dead.
I know that death is a natural consequence of life, but this sucks. I know my mom doesn't want to die (who does, usually?) and I'm not sure she'd come to terms with it. I think they always thought she'd somehow be put on the liver transplant list even with her other issues and her smoking. My mom and I share a dangerous trait, that we keep doing what we want when we want it, without giving much thought to long-term consequences. While her actual condition is genetic and secondary to her diabetes (fatty liver, turning into non-alcoholic cirrhosis, and even hepatic tumours), there were things she should have done a long time ago that would have helped. It's not lost on me that I have some of the same issues, and my liver enzymes are slightly elevated most of the time when they take them. Just like hers were for years. Oh, it may be a medicine you're on. Oh, don't worry, it's just a bit elevated. That's how it was until so suddenly it wasn't.
I'm not trying to be mean about my mom. I'm just saying there were warning signs, and I should heed them, too, so I don't wind up in the same condition. Oh, of course, something will get you in the end. But maybe if I make better choices now, I'll live longer and better. Momma's only 69. Her mother, despite diabetes, was 90. In my family, with the exception of my mom's grandmother, who had a diabetic stroke in her 60s, if you smoke, you live to your 60s or maybe early 70s; if you don't, it's more 80s and even into the 90s. I've never smoked. I have a lot of issues that 'age' me beyond my years, in a way, but if I make changes in my diet and exercise, it can only help. But I've got to do it. Of course, one big change I have no control over that should help is very soon I won't be eating 2-3 meals per day in our cafeteria, which isn't the most nutritious of food (it's mostly fried stuff, pre-packaged, and processed, with an occasional green vegetable, I hate to say). It's been better in the past, especially for vegetarians, but still, it's not the best route I could do.
I've already come up with a schedule for the time I'm off (however long that will be) so I'll keep normal business hours. Today I got an Indeed alert to two more jobs (that's a total of five), one at the university, in the health sciences library. It's closing date is April 25th, but all I have to do is a cover letter and have some friends and colleagues look over my curriculum vitae. Keep your fingers crossed for me. One is with the state, one with a local public library, and three with the university. So things are looking up, which is good, as we're thirty days for closing down.
Okay, I think I will definitely take the trazodone and start making preparations for bed. Good night.
Monday, February 27, 2017
One last post for the evening
as I am running off my phone plan's hotspot allowance, rather than WiFi or anything like that.
My mom is at home. The nursing home wouldn't take her, apparently, so my step-dad cleared out the back bedroom and put a hospital bed in there for her. She's doing somewhat better, although not too keen on the whole dying part. I hope hospice can help them come to terms with that.
It puts me in a quandry, I'm afraid. I promised a couple of years ago that I would not go to the house for some very valid reasons, which still remain, involving some relatives' and others' [not my step-father or mom] heavy drug use with discarded and infected needles left about. I have visited my mom as I have been able to when she has been in the hospital, but not at her home. As much as I would like to, I cannot visit her there now. My step-father, John, knows why, but I don't know if he's ever told my mom. Now it's an issue and, unfortunately, an unresolved one. If I find a way around it, I'll try to visit. But so far, unless she goes back into the hospital, I don't know of a way around it.
Anyway, it makes me sad to think of her there, dying. My step-father, I know, is taking it hard, too. But I can't compromise my health and safety, either. :(
My mom is at home. The nursing home wouldn't take her, apparently, so my step-dad cleared out the back bedroom and put a hospital bed in there for her. She's doing somewhat better, although not too keen on the whole dying part. I hope hospice can help them come to terms with that.
It puts me in a quandry, I'm afraid. I promised a couple of years ago that I would not go to the house for some very valid reasons, which still remain, involving some relatives' and others' [not my step-father or mom] heavy drug use with discarded and infected needles left about. I have visited my mom as I have been able to when she has been in the hospital, but not at her home. As much as I would like to, I cannot visit her there now. My step-father, John, knows why, but I don't know if he's ever told my mom. Now it's an issue and, unfortunately, an unresolved one. If I find a way around it, I'll try to visit. But so far, unless she goes back into the hospital, I don't know of a way around it.
Anyway, it makes me sad to think of her there, dying. My step-father, I know, is taking it hard, too. But I can't compromise my health and safety, either. :(
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Today
a friend called me about 6:30 am to help me wake up and I chose to go back to sleep for awhile. I still got to work on time (rather than early), though, but three days of insane earliness was probably enough.
Today was payday, thankfully. I got caught up on a lot, but there are still two bills out there I can’t do. But I have a full gas tank, so I can go visit my mom Saturday, and I was able to pay other bills that were overdue, including my electric. I paid the bank (which had been at a deficit since the cascade effect happened, prompting me to move back to the credit union, where fees are less and it’s non-profit). But funny thing, even though I paid in cash, PNC refused to let me close the account today because the cash would post tomorrow. Cash. Crazy. It’s a minor annoyance, I know, but I don’t see why I should have to wait when cash is legal tender and it’s not like they have to examine the $20s to verify they’re real or anything.
I was also thwarted by Time Warner Cable. Yesterday I called to see how much it would be to turn my cable back on and was quoted a figure just under $74. I specifically asked if this would still be the case today or Friday, since I got paid (I thought I was getting a cheque today, so thought I might have to wait till Friday for it to post, but it turns out the automatic deposit went in fine). She assured me that everything would be the same. So I go today and the clerk told me that the woman had been mistaken and must not have looked at the account carefully. Thirty minutes before I called, my account had been closed, raising the amount I needed to pay to $191 or so. Very different from $74. Sigh. I can’t do that. So for now I guess there's the 5GB/month hotspot through T-Mobile that comes with my unlimited phone data plan and the laundry room, which has free WiFi. The good thing is after that I dropped some things off at Goodwill that had been sitting in my trunk and went ahead and called Vonage, which is only about $10 a month, but doesn’t work without cable, and my account was set up to be debited tomorrow. They put the phone account on hold for two months until April to give me time to get service back without having to pay for my phone. Vonage has very great customer service (they once comped me an entire month when I was struggling), and I would highly recommend them. Apparently I have been a customer for 10 years and 5 months. :)
I went to Costco and got a few things for myself and some stuff for friends, who paid me back tonight. I took A to YKWIA’s and we got some stuff at the store for there, and I left him to visit. Now I’m home. I’ve eaten an Everything bagel (2 sleeves of 6 for $5.99) and Havarti cheese (32 slices for $7.49), and I drank some orange juice ($5.99 for a gallon). So my stomach is happy. I also got some tuna. So I have some basics and can go to Kroger tomorrow for some fruit, etc.
When I came out there was a lovely sunset, so many pinks and yellows and oranges—it looked like the sky was afire. I took a picture, which doesn’t do it justice, but you get the idea:
Now I think I’ll do some reading and listen to some music. Those are the only things left on my to-do list. I should do the game notes, as I’ll be visiting my mom on Saturday and we will be playing Sunday. But tomorrow is another day. Good night!
Today was payday, thankfully. I got caught up on a lot, but there are still two bills out there I can’t do. But I have a full gas tank, so I can go visit my mom Saturday, and I was able to pay other bills that were overdue, including my electric. I paid the bank (which had been at a deficit since the cascade effect happened, prompting me to move back to the credit union, where fees are less and it’s non-profit). But funny thing, even though I paid in cash, PNC refused to let me close the account today because the cash would post tomorrow. Cash. Crazy. It’s a minor annoyance, I know, but I don’t see why I should have to wait when cash is legal tender and it’s not like they have to examine the $20s to verify they’re real or anything.
I was also thwarted by Time Warner Cable. Yesterday I called to see how much it would be to turn my cable back on and was quoted a figure just under $74. I specifically asked if this would still be the case today or Friday, since I got paid (I thought I was getting a cheque today, so thought I might have to wait till Friday for it to post, but it turns out the automatic deposit went in fine). She assured me that everything would be the same. So I go today and the clerk told me that the woman had been mistaken and must not have looked at the account carefully. Thirty minutes before I called, my account had been closed, raising the amount I needed to pay to $191 or so. Very different from $74. Sigh. I can’t do that. So for now I guess there's the 5GB/month hotspot through T-Mobile that comes with my unlimited phone data plan and the laundry room, which has free WiFi. The good thing is after that I dropped some things off at Goodwill that had been sitting in my trunk and went ahead and called Vonage, which is only about $10 a month, but doesn’t work without cable, and my account was set up to be debited tomorrow. They put the phone account on hold for two months until April to give me time to get service back without having to pay for my phone. Vonage has very great customer service (they once comped me an entire month when I was struggling), and I would highly recommend them. Apparently I have been a customer for 10 years and 5 months. :)
I went to Costco and got a few things for myself and some stuff for friends, who paid me back tonight. I took A to YKWIA’s and we got some stuff at the store for there, and I left him to visit. Now I’m home. I’ve eaten an Everything bagel (2 sleeves of 6 for $5.99) and Havarti cheese (32 slices for $7.49), and I drank some orange juice ($5.99 for a gallon). So my stomach is happy. I also got some tuna. So I have some basics and can go to Kroger tomorrow for some fruit, etc.
When I came out there was a lovely sunset, so many pinks and yellows and oranges—it looked like the sky was afire. I took a picture, which doesn’t do it justice, but you get the idea:
Now I think I’ll do some reading and listen to some music. Those are the only things left on my to-do list. I should do the game notes, as I’ll be visiting my mom on Saturday and we will be playing Sunday. But tomorrow is another day. Good night!
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
So
My mom is going into hospice, probably at the nursing home she's been in on and off between hospital visits. :( The doctor said that short of a liver transplant, which isn't going to happen due to her other health issues, she might have six months, tops, to live. I'm going to go visit this weekend. I've known this was coming, but it doesn't make it easier, and it must be far worse for her. But part of the whole point of hospice care is to prepare the patient and family for what's to come. So that's good. I know my stepfather (who is a very good husband) has done everything he could to try to avoid this. But it's a natural part of life. I've mostly accepted it, but at the same time, I have a lot of mixed emotions. We'll see how things go. I just hope they can keep her comfortable and allow her to make the most of life that remains.
Sigh. I guess because of the news last night about the prognosis, I had a hard time falling asleep. After an hour of tossing and turning, I finally broke out the sleeping pills my doctor prescribed, the trazodone. I took 1/2 a pill, since I didn't know how I'd react. I slept really well from 11 pm till about 4:30 am, and then I was just awake, not groggy, just awake. (I have the same reaction to the muscle relaxant tizanidine). No grogginess or anything, just suddenly up and going. I got up, took a relaxing bath with lavender oil, a candle, and some lavender incense, and then put my headphones on, turned on OneRepublic's Native album, and tackled the kitchen, doing not only the dishwasher dishes, but the plastic ones that had been languishing. I cleaned the whole kitchen, except for mopping, and took quite a bit of trash out. It looks great.
After that I went on into work and continued my productivity. I boxed up five boxes of books that are going to the new facility, separated three departements' worth of books and labelled them, helped someone order a book through our vendor, and talked our buyer through the website (and helped him with a personal request that was book-related). I forget that many people consider the ISBN a totally foreign concept. But it was nice to do a lot of library-related stuff today. I've already gotten some books to departments, and I'll try to get the rest out soon.
In the afternoon I did my charge entry and OR reconciliation. Then I left work a little late and went home for a bit before my appointment with my counselor. We had a good session. I showed him the before and after photos of the kitchen, and I had filled out a worksheet on trying not to acquire new things. I see him again in three weeks, and in the meantime I'm going to work on the books on the entertainment centre and the bookshelf behind the front door so that I can hopefully open up the entryway a bit.
Now I'm home, trying something I haven't done--cranberry bread. It uses the raisin bake setting, and you're supposed to add the fruit at the beep. But unlike the quick setting, where you get bread in 1 hour 55 minutes, this takes four hours. So the beep hasn't happened yet. I am listening to music softly, Passenger's All the Little Lights. I need to do some reading to round out my to-do list for the day.
In fact, I think I'll read the orchid book I have to see if I can learn something about them. I have one blooming and another has a stem that's halfway up. I do love them, and I'm so glad they're doing well. I finally watered the plants at the house. I also found the tulips budding the other day and put water in the vase for them to grow. :)
Okay, good night for now.
Sigh. I guess because of the news last night about the prognosis, I had a hard time falling asleep. After an hour of tossing and turning, I finally broke out the sleeping pills my doctor prescribed, the trazodone. I took 1/2 a pill, since I didn't know how I'd react. I slept really well from 11 pm till about 4:30 am, and then I was just awake, not groggy, just awake. (I have the same reaction to the muscle relaxant tizanidine). No grogginess or anything, just suddenly up and going. I got up, took a relaxing bath with lavender oil, a candle, and some lavender incense, and then put my headphones on, turned on OneRepublic's Native album, and tackled the kitchen, doing not only the dishwasher dishes, but the plastic ones that had been languishing. I cleaned the whole kitchen, except for mopping, and took quite a bit of trash out. It looks great.
After that I went on into work and continued my productivity. I boxed up five boxes of books that are going to the new facility, separated three departements' worth of books and labelled them, helped someone order a book through our vendor, and talked our buyer through the website (and helped him with a personal request that was book-related). I forget that many people consider the ISBN a totally foreign concept. But it was nice to do a lot of library-related stuff today. I've already gotten some books to departments, and I'll try to get the rest out soon.
In the afternoon I did my charge entry and OR reconciliation. Then I left work a little late and went home for a bit before my appointment with my counselor. We had a good session. I showed him the before and after photos of the kitchen, and I had filled out a worksheet on trying not to acquire new things. I see him again in three weeks, and in the meantime I'm going to work on the books on the entertainment centre and the bookshelf behind the front door so that I can hopefully open up the entryway a bit.
Now I'm home, trying something I haven't done--cranberry bread. It uses the raisin bake setting, and you're supposed to add the fruit at the beep. But unlike the quick setting, where you get bread in 1 hour 55 minutes, this takes four hours. So the beep hasn't happened yet. I am listening to music softly, Passenger's All the Little Lights. I need to do some reading to round out my to-do list for the day.
In fact, I think I'll read the orchid book I have to see if I can learn something about them. I have one blooming and another has a stem that's halfway up. I do love them, and I'm so glad they're doing well. I finally watered the plants at the house. I also found the tulips budding the other day and put water in the vase for them to grow. :)
Okay, good night for now.
Thursday, February 09, 2017
Sorry it's been awhile
I just got off the phone with a friend whom I was helping apply for jobs. Technically I've had time the last two nights to blog, but I've laid down for a bit and kept getting phone calls, so I kept stretching out my 'nap time' till it was time to go to bed. As a result, I feel more rested than I have in awhile. Tonight I've been up and doing things. I ran to the pharmacy for my medicines and YKWIA's, and talked with him for awhile. We're going to try to watch the miniseries 'Ascension' together on Netflix. And since then I've been on the phone with A helping him with his job search.
In general things have been going pretty well. I have two jobs to apply for (although one involves getting my transcript, so it's good that it's closing date isn't until March). My mom's been in the ICU at the hospital in her hometown for over a week, but she got moved to a regular room today. Yay. I may be able to go see her Saturday if all goes well. I hope so.
That's it for now. I'm just checking in. I have a couple of news stories to post either tonight or tomorrow that I found interesting. Take care, and good night.
In general things have been going pretty well. I have two jobs to apply for (although one involves getting my transcript, so it's good that it's closing date isn't until March). My mom's been in the ICU at the hospital in her hometown for over a week, but she got moved to a regular room today. Yay. I may be able to go see her Saturday if all goes well. I hope so.
That's it for now. I'm just checking in. I have a couple of news stories to post either tonight or tomorrow that I found interesting. Take care, and good night.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Had to go back to my doctor's office today
Most of the other symptoms have resolved, but my throat has been very, very sore, especially at night, to the point of keeping me awake. My ears hurt, too, to the point where I can't play music except softly or they hurt. So last night, when I was up and in pain, I sent a message to my nurse practitioner giving her the symptoms, and asking if it could be strep, regardless of the negative test the other day. She wanted to go ahead and see me, so I went over lunch. The good news is that I don't have strep--the test again was negative. I do, however, have thrush (oral Candidiasis, basically a yeast infection in my throat), probably as an opportunistic infection after being sick, coupled with my use of Breo, an inhaled medicine that can contribute to them--although I do rinse my mouth and brush my teeth after every use--and my diabetes. My ears, meanwhile, are fluid-filled (it's called otitis media serous), and bulging a bit inside where they're not draining. Rather than put me on a steroid pack, which can wreak havoc with blood sugars, she gave me one steroid shot, and I'm to continue the Stahist AD. She didn't want to put me on anything with a stronger dose of pseudoephedrine because of my ADD medicine, which, while not really a stimulant, might have reacted. She also had me go on Diflucan and I have to swish and swallow this thick-looking liquid three times a day for 17 days that looks particularly nasty. But a Candidiasis infection can go down your throat to your organs, so best to do it. One reason I went ahead and got tested for strep was that I planned to go visit my mom in Danville's hospital, and it's best not to bring strep with you to visit someone in the ICU. My throat infection isn't contagious per se--it's an overgrowth of a yeast most people already have. So I was given the okay to visit. Ironically, it turns out that there were contact precautions in place there for Clostridium difficile, a particularly nasty bug that cause terrible gastrointestinal distress. I had to use a gown and gloves. So I'm probably more at risk for infection than she is. But I did wash my hands thoroughly.
But she knew me and could talk some. That was good. I stayed an hour-and-a-half and then headed back to Lexington. The only problem I encountered was some cardboard in the road that had to be straddled and sort of obstacle-course-driven. It could run someone off the road, it was substantial enough, but I got home okay. I drove exactly 100 miles today--I put my trip odometer to zero this morning when I started out and was on my gas light, and then kept it going after I got gas. I took YKWIA to a couple of appointments and we stopped at the pharmacy to get our respective medicine between trips. I took him by the store and Jin Jin, then dropped him off and headed to Danville about 7:30 pm.
Now I've eaten and I should think about taking the scary looking stuff (I can't eat or drink for 30 minutes afterwards) and heading to bed.
Good night.
But she knew me and could talk some. That was good. I stayed an hour-and-a-half and then headed back to Lexington. The only problem I encountered was some cardboard in the road that had to be straddled and sort of obstacle-course-driven. It could run someone off the road, it was substantial enough, but I got home okay. I drove exactly 100 miles today--I put my trip odometer to zero this morning when I started out and was on my gas light, and then kept it going after I got gas. I took YKWIA to a couple of appointments and we stopped at the pharmacy to get our respective medicine between trips. I took him by the store and Jin Jin, then dropped him off and headed to Danville about 7:30 pm.
Now I've eaten and I should think about taking the scary looking stuff (I can't eat or drink for 30 minutes afterwards) and heading to bed.
Good night.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Sick
My cold is getting worse and trying to settle in my chest. My throat and head are hurting.
Mom's back in the Danville hospital.
I have stuff to do tonight, but no energy. So I'm going to go to bed early and try again tomorrow.
I'll also keep this brief. Good night.
Saturday, January 07, 2017
It's been a very rough start to 2017
My mom is back in the hospital. She spent six days in a rehabilitation centre, fell, showed major confusion, and wound up back in the university's emergency room. Thursday we had our first snow, which, while minor, wreaked havoc with the roads, followed by single digit and low teen temperatures. It took me two and a half hours to go from work, make a quick stop at Kroger, pick up A, take him home, and then go home myself. I got home about 7 pm. My stepfather barely got back to Danville, as I think they had more snow. That night, my mom's potassium was very high and they wanted someone there who was family, because they had to put in a central line and put her through dialysis to get it down, so about 10:30 pm I went over there, and she was coherent and awake, and we talked, and despite the fact that she was very sick and in the hospital, had a good visit. At one point there was a problem with the central line and they asked me to step out of the room for about 15 minutes, which stretched to an hour. I was in a small waiting/consultation room, and it was dim and quiet, and I nearly fell asleep. I finally got to go back in, and stayed a little while. But by 2 am, I'd been up for 22 hours straight and was afraid I wouldn't be able to drive home on the nasty roads if I stayed much longer. So I headed on home and went straight to bed, got about four hours' sleep, and went to work. I was struggling all day to stay awake. On Friday night I picked A up from where YKWIA was helping him job hunt. I took him home, and went and visited my mom in the observation area. But whe mostly slept, and when she id waken briefly, she didn't know I was there. The nurse did get her to drink her medicine, but beyond that she was unresponsive. I came on home about 11 pm and was very discouraged. My stepfather and I texted back and forth about DNRs and letting go. I updated my aunts. That sort of thing. I was pretty down.
Today I spent most of the day doing errands with friends, and instead of going over to visit my mom, I told my stepfather (who'd come over to find her awake and doing much better) that I would visit in the morning. I then proceeded to crash for four hours. I got up after 8:30, went to Kroger for a few things, where the checkout lane totally shut down and wouldn't scan, so we moved to another lane, and then I somehow didn't get a bag of bread, an apple, and bananas home with me, so I guess it got lost in the shuffle. :(
I feel stressed and anxious. I'm sad and angry and conflicted; the way my mom has bounced back and forth to various extremes is heart-wrenhxhibg. I've had a lot of responsibilities lately, a lot of appointments both for myself and YKWIA and I've been doing some extra projects at work, so I've been going in early. I think last night, when I slept for 8 hours, wa the most I've slept in over a month and a half. I've been averaging 4-5 hours a night, and it's been very broken sleep.
I should work on the house, which is reflecting all the inner emotions right now. Instead, I'm trying to calm myself down by listening to the Bastille Pandora station. It isn't helping. I feel bad for not seeing my mom today, although the rest did help a little.
A is going to call me later so I can pick him up at work by 1 am. BUt I think I may take some time to rest some more. I'm just not up to anything else, right now. Hope your new year is off to a better start.
Today I spent most of the day doing errands with friends, and instead of going over to visit my mom, I told my stepfather (who'd come over to find her awake and doing much better) that I would visit in the morning. I then proceeded to crash for four hours. I got up after 8:30, went to Kroger for a few things, where the checkout lane totally shut down and wouldn't scan, so we moved to another lane, and then I somehow didn't get a bag of bread, an apple, and bananas home with me, so I guess it got lost in the shuffle. :(
I feel stressed and anxious. I'm sad and angry and conflicted; the way my mom has bounced back and forth to various extremes is heart-wrenhxhibg. I've had a lot of responsibilities lately, a lot of appointments both for myself and YKWIA and I've been doing some extra projects at work, so I've been going in early. I think last night, when I slept for 8 hours, wa the most I've slept in over a month and a half. I've been averaging 4-5 hours a night, and it's been very broken sleep.
I should work on the house, which is reflecting all the inner emotions right now. Instead, I'm trying to calm myself down by listening to the Bastille Pandora station. It isn't helping. I feel bad for not seeing my mom today, although the rest did help a little.
A is going to call me later so I can pick him up at work by 1 am. BUt I think I may take some time to rest some more. I'm just not up to anything else, right now. Hope your new year is off to a better start.
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