A little sad

Obviously, I've been listening to/watching a playlist on YouTube today, and this came up. It always brings tears to my eyes. I hadn't seen this animation before. This song is for my mom It came out the day after her death. It's almost her birth anniversary — she would have been 79 on August 3rd. She passed in 2017.

54 years ago today

my parents got married. It was not the best thing to do, in my opinion, for any of us. I lived in a home where everything was very disconnected. We never did anything as a family, except move across the country when the Air Force demanded it. Dad had his radio room, Momma had her ceramics, and I had my reading. We did eat together at about 4:30 or 5 pm when my dad got home, but we weren't really a family. We never took vacations (and as a result, neither do I, really. I just use my PTO for doctor's appointments and an occasional time off at home, going nowhere.) We lived in California and never went to Disneyland or the San Diego Zoo, for example, and I would have loved to.

Before you say, yeah, but you wouldn't be here. Sure I would. At eight years old I did the math and realised it was only eight months between my parents' wedding and my birth, and I wasn't born early. My parents had actually broken up and then she found out she was pregnant. It was 1966. Abortion was illegal. She was barely 19. To their credit, my mom's parents both said she could stay home and they would help take care of the baby, which was pretty enlightened for the time. Despite my withdrawn relationship with my parents, I loved my grandparents very much, and my grandfather in particular was a very good male role model for me. It was my dad's mom who wanted them to get married, and they did. I loved Nana very much (she was the 'fun' grandmother, after all; Ma showed her love in other ways), but she should have butted out.

Within a month, seeing as they'd both dropped out of school (he was in engineering at UK; she was in Good Samaritan's nursing school to become an RN), my dad lost his exception for the draft, and knowing that he would be drafted, he decided to enlist to make sure he could choose the branch to serve in, at least, and he chose the Air Force. Besides, he needed to get a job to support his new family..

That's how my dad wound up doing three tours during the Vietnam War. He was in Vietnam, Thailand, and Cambodia repairing aeroplanes. I always felt that he blamed us a bit. I know he tried to divorce my mom when I was two, while he was overseas, but she wouldn't do it long distance. My mom was very emotionally needy, and in her entire life [after they finally divorced when I was 15] she had to have a man in her life, and her personality changed with each one (she married a total of four times). She liked what he liked. The only time I really saw my mom's primary personality was between marriages.

I grew up as a hindrance, and I was mostly ignored, except I was expected to console my mother emotionally when she was upset and we were very enmeshed at the same time. I spent years trying to get their love, trying to be the 'good girl', getting great grades, and quietly trying not to do anything to upset them. I never really wanted for basic physical needs, and I was never physically abused, but emotionally I was neglected and I've spent the rest of my life trying to get over that.

As a result, as an adult, I broke off my relationship with my dad after he lied to me. I'd tried to rebuild our relationship after the divorce when I was out of the house, but we wound up estranged. That happened in 1993, after my grandmother died, and lasted until his death in 2018. We never reconciled.

In retrospect, living with my mother did more damage than my dad as I was growing up, because she was there. He was off serving overseas most of the first six years of my life and then left when I was 15. I modelled so much of my behaviour off of her. There was a lot of good, of course, I'm sure. But we were way too close in some ways. But it was always about her. I know she didn't mean it to be, and I've never figured out why she was so insecure. I do know she had social anxiety, and in retrospect, she had a lot of anxiety, and that's where I get it from, I'm sure. I never cut off ties with her, though, even though I should have. But as we got older I pulled away. I spoke with her about every three months and came home for birthdays and Christmas. I especially stayed away once she married my last stepfather. He was an okay guy, and I'm thankful he was there in her last years, as he was able to take care of her where I wasn't, but his sons were all addicts and caused all sorts of grief, to the point as my mom lie dying my grandmother's house where they were living was known as the 'drug house' and the cops were there time and time again. I refused to go there after a visit where my mom casually mentioned that I should be careful about loose needles as my youngest stepbrother had Hepatitis C and tended to leave them around. I'd just stayed in his room, and she hadn't mentioned it then. I never went back, but rather visited her whenever she was in the hospital.

After my parents died (she did in 2017, just shy of 70, and he did in 2018, when he was barely 70) I got a bit of closure but not really.

I'm not writing this to whine. I'm just trying to get a handle on my feelings. Mostly I felt unloved. Now I know people who have certainly had it much worse. But I don't even remember most of my childhood, and I know there was trauma, but I don't necessarily remember what happened. Most of my memories are from school or playing with friends. Frankly, there were a few good things about my childhood in the home I remember, but very few. I thought everyone's memory was like that for so long, but then I found out it wasn't. I think it's very telling that I've blocked out whole swaths of my childhood, but I don't really know why. It bothers me immensely.

Anyway, that's my story. Make of it what you will.

Happy Mother's Day, Momma

My mother and I, circa 1970.

A candle for my mother, may she rest in peace.

I actually read last night, and finished a book

that I'd just been on chapter three when I started. It's The Paper Magician by Charlie N. Holmberg, and it was an excellent light read, and exactly what I needed while recovering from this crud. This afternoon I went to the library and picked up the other two in the series. A little while ago, out of curiosity, I looked to see how much they were on Amazon, and while the paperbacks are quite inexpensive, the Kindle series (all three books) was only $4.05. So I got them on that, because I decided it would be better to hoard electronic books rather than paper ones. :) But really, I want to read the next one, The Glass Magician tonight. I'll read the physical book, as it brings me a bit more pleasure to turn the pages, then take the others back to the library so someone else can enjoy them, and finish up the series on the Kindle with The Master Magician.

I took A to work early this morning, after calling him to wake him up (but he went back to bed), but we got there just in time. That was 8 am. Then I got home and proceeded to sleep until about 11:30 am, and YKWIA called (he'd just gotten up again, too), to see if I could run to the store for a couple of things, that turned into a fairly good-sized grocery run, involving two stores (why are pearl onions suddenly impossible to find?) Then I got back and we watched a couple of episodes of 'Trial & Error' on Hulu (which is hilarious, and expiring, so while he's seen them all, we've got about half left for me to watch in about 11 days. But they're short.)

I came home, rested for about an hour (I didn't actually go to sleep, and I'm only tired because of the crud, but I took some medicine and listened to some music for awhile). I finally started to drift off, but the music was rather peppy, so I got up and excavated approximately half of the bedroom this evening. I have three tubs on the bed--recyclables, dirty clothes, clothes that are clean but need pressing, and then I've folded some of the cold-weather stuff I haven't been wearing that need to be put away and they're piled between the tubs. I also have a pile of bedding (there are a lot of pillows and a very warm comforter that came with my 'bed in a bag', and I can't sleep with all of them on the bed at night time).

I have a few other things to go through, some books stacked, a couple of loose piles of things, and such, but I made quite a bit of progress. Tomorrow I can launder the dirty clothes. I can press the ones that need it, and hang up the ones in the hang up pile. The cold-weather things are going to be put away into some easy-open tubs I have, and stored in the bottom of one of the bedroom closets. A few things need to be put away in the chest-of-drawers. The last couple of things I should do tonight, and move the tubs off the bed, and then I'll be able to sleep. I'm not finished in there tonight, yet. I just got overly hot and had to sit under the fans for a bit. I hate how tired I feel, and how winded I get whenever I try to do anything. I still cough a lot.

When I got home, I watered the outside plants and deadheaded the spent blooms. They're growing nicely. I also watered everything inside as well. I was supposed to do that yesterday, and didn't. Just like today or yesterday I should have done a water change for the fish tank of about 10-15% of the water. I'll try to do that tomorrow. The fish seem happy, at least, and I have done it weekly for a couple of weeks since everything was set back to full-functionality.

It's almost dark. I can't really celebrate mother's day, but I thought I'd light a candle for my mom tonight and let it burn for awhile. I'm thinking of her, anyway. I miss her. We didn't always have the best of relationships, and once upon a time we were too close, really, but I miss her nonetheless.

Okay, I guess it's back to work on the bedroom. I'll have to switch Pandora back to the bedroom TV. Good night.

One last thing

My mom gave me this bear back on Christmas of 2007 (I know because the year is on his foot). It's always been good for a cuddle. I didn't expect to be going into mother's day with such a sense of loss at her passing. But I miss my mom. I decided the bear should have a name, finally. I decided on Pip, because my mom was Phyllis, with Phyl as her nickname, and Phil, short for Philip, is the male equivalent, and as anyone who had read Great Expectations know, Pip is another nickname for Philip. It's roundabout, but there you go. So this mother's day I'll think of good times and cuddle Pip, and be glad that at least my mom is at peace and no longer in pain.

I was feeling oddly awake after my time over at my friends' house

but now I think I'm going to crash soon after all. I spent a good deal of the day there, culminating in an episode of 'Salem', and had a good visit.

I talked to my mom today, who hasn't gotten my card yet (I sent it Thursday, and really thought it was enough time to go 35 miles away, but sadly, no.) My aunt and uncle will both be in this week so I'm going to try to take at least part of Thursday off to go visit them, my mom, and my grandmother. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.

Tomorrow the plan is to work more on the house, especially the kitchen, bath, and dining room. I'll be sending Philomena back to Netflix tomorrow, and I'd like to have the house ready so A can watch his Bette Davis movies. YKWIA doesn't care for her, so we'll be watching at my house. :)

Okay, that's all for now. I must get up early tomorrow for work, so even though I'm still a bit restless, it's time to move the fan back to the bedroom, plug the phone in to charge, and head to bed. Good night.

I'm boot free!

I had three appointments today:

• I had my teeth cleaned, which really was the most painful of the three as it involved taking those damn bite-wing x-rays of my whole mouth. Thank goodness they recommend that for only every three-five years.
  
• Had two porcelain crowns and a temporary filling put in (the latter to replace one that had broken when I chewed a sugar-free mint too hard). We're going to pre-authorise a bridge, assuming the crowns haven't taken all my benefits this year. It may have to wait for next year. I think that's all the crowns needed for root-canaled teeth, though. If you don't crown them, they get brittle and break after a root canal, as I found out.
  
• The podiatrist was happy to be able to touch my feet without my nearly yelping. She suggested I use my lace-up brace (much smaller) on my ankle when working for awhile and to do stretching exercises such as tracing out the alphabet with my ankles each day (this is apparently one way to get total range of motion). If it had been really bad still, she would have sent me to physical therapy. I worked yesterday without the boot to see how I would do and am just a little sore today after being on my feet for seven hours, so I think I'm on the mend.
  

I was off from the hospital due to the appointments. I also:

• Went to the public library branch between my house and the doctor's office (it's about a block away from where I live, and both dentist and podiatrist are near the hospital, which is just about the same distance further). I picked up several interesting books, including one that seems to argue that the UFO phenomena/ideas that ancient astronauts came and founded civilisations entered the public mindset through the writings of HP Lovecraft. Hmmmm...well, there are extraterrestrial Mi-Go, Cthulhu, the Elder Things, the Great Old Ones (whose bodies, though conical, were actually already here, but their minds are alien), etc. It might make for an interesting read, anyway.
  
  
• Went over to Sqecial Media and nearly died of coughing because I forgot how incense-laden the store is. I went in to look at earrings but they were working on that section and had it pulled apart. So I picked up a birthday card for my mom, a scarab sticker for the car, a bumper sticker to replace my old one, and a package of charcoal for incense (to be burned at the appropriate time when I'm not still having times where I'm fighting for breath). I had to ask for the charcoal. The two girls looked at me like I meant the stuff that goes in grills. The man was more knowledgeable and pulled out three packets, one of which he said was slow-burning and better for a hookah. Since I just needed the bricks for a censor, I took the cheapest packet. :) Hookahs have apparently become pretty popular around the university. There was a hookah bar that opened where people could go to smoke flavoured tobaccos, but I don't know how it has fared. I'm just glad I don't smoke. Even being around someone who has been smoking has been setting off my coughing fits (as has perfume, to be fair). Thank goodness Lexington has an indoor smoking ban on businesses that aren't primarily tobacco-related.
  
  By the way, Sqecial (yes, I'm spelling that right) had these cards that were neat in that they folded up and had stereoscopic lenses (think Viewmaster) with art prints such as Dali and Münch to make them look 3-D. Very nice, and although 'The Scream' might have been appropriate for a birthday card in retrospect, I went with a Albrecht Dürer print of a small owl for my mom. She used to collect owl pictures and figures.
  

What I didn't do:

• Call my mom. I got a cell phone call from her yesterday but I don't know if she intended to call me or not. The voice mail sounded like background noise. Or maybe it was garbled somehow. Anyway, I should check.
  
• I didn't call a friend who's really been having a difficult time. I'm going to message her MySpace page and then try to call on Saturday and see if she wants to go out next week, my treat, so I can see how she's doing.
  
• I haven't filled the fish tank yet. That's on the agenda for tonight or tomorrow morning.
  

Saturday I work in the evening. I'd like to spend the morning and early afternoon working at home. I have a lot stuff that just needs to be thrown away, taken to Goodwill, etc. I really need to clean out my car; you can only fit two people in it right now comfortably. I have nearly every shoe I own in it at the moment, the boot, two empty copier boxes, my winter coat, you name it, it's in there. Plus a bunch of trash. My house isn't hoarded up, it just has a lot of drink bottles and stuff like that to get rid of, plus the bathroom needs to be cleaned and the dishes done. Oh, and I'm sure I'll still be working on notes, although I'm trying to be a little better prepared than I was last week. There's a lot more investigation to get in this week, and that takes more transcription time.

Okay, that's all for now. I'll write more soon. Good night.