Tired...

Applications for two library positions and one scheduling one in. Set up a profile on Zip Recruiter and updated my LinkedIn (temporarily, I'm going to really tweak it after reading the library book), updated my online curricula vitae and résumés for patient access, library, and general categories. Applied for various benefits. Not bad for four days.

Tomorrow I see my doctor about changing my ADHD medication. It should hopefully help keep me from making mistakes like what happened the other day.

My roommate told me a year ago, when I first started having trouble, to take my diagnosis report in and ask for accommodations so that I'd have some protection from the Americans with Disabilities Act. My anxiety kept me from doing it. I thought it would be seen as an admission that I couldn't do the job, when, of course, I could; I just couldn't do it as things were. I was afraid they'd just fire me or find some reason to let me go. And now we're here.

Well...at least I lasted long enough to get new knees.

Really?

Okay, now my perpetual affirmation calendar just is playing with me. But anyway, done! 😂

Numb

So I went to the library yesterday and found these. First thing I'm doing today is making a to-do list for today (ADHD essential), then a schedule for the week. Then I'm reading the LinkedIn book so I can tweak my profile there. I may go to the YMCA. I canceled it (I won't be able to pay for it), but I have a week left and with all the snow and ice and being sick I wasn't able to go all month so I don't want to waste the money I paid this month. It would probably help with self-care. I still haven't broken down or let any of this really 'hit' me. I've felt a little anger, a little sadness, but very shallow emotions--exactly like when someone in my life dies. I never cry at funerals. I push my emotions down. Sometimes they come flooding out when I'm alone or when I'm with my roommate, but otherwise, I feel kind of numb. I have one more therapy session we added before my insurance ends. That should help. But going to the Y might help with the somatic stress too, as I carry out all in my body instead of letting it out.

My affirmations calendar has a sense of humour

The photo is of my affirmations calendar page on the day I was let go.

Today's saying is 'I am exactly who I need to be in this moment.' I am meeting this head-on. I've worked since I was 16 years old--42 years. In all that time, I've never been terminated, although I've been laid off (twice), had my hours reduced (twice), and my job eliminated (once). Three of those have happened at Shriners, and I've always been loyal and kept going like it didn't matter, but hey. Anyway, I've picked up my things, spoken with various people about options and benefits I may be eligible for, begun applying for jobs, etc. I've made a list of things to do, and I'm already about halfway through it after two days. Tonight I'm trying to integrate the things I had in the office that I'd like to keep in my room. The rest will go into storage until I have another office. Tomorrow I'm going to work up a schedule for the week. I've tried to move some appointments from March to next week, and looking for another job with benefits, especially healthcare, is my main priority. I cannot go without my medicine. It literally would be a death sentence. 

Anyone with leads, feel free to send me anything. I didn't get terminated for anything malicious or deliberate or anything like that. If circumstances were different, I'm not sure it would even have happened. But here it is, and in a way, it might be good. I've sort of used Shriners as a comfortable crutch for years, clinging to it rather than taking risks out in the world trying for jobs that might have been better in the long run for my career, As much as I loved being a librarian, being a solo librarian for so long has hurt my chances of getting a mid-career job because I've only supervised a few high school students, not other professionals, even though I've done all the different things a librarian does in a library. 

The librarian position here was perfect for me in terms of my neurodiversity issues; the patient access positions stressed them. Ironically, the final one was better than the others. I was doing better with it, though I struggled with my ADHD medicine failing, and it directly led to my discharge. I am scheduled next week to discuss changing it with my MD. Too little, too late. But maybe it will help for next time. I've also learned a very hard lesson: coming clean about a disability before it becomes an issue isn't a sign of weakness; it's a way to protect yourself, at least as long as the ADA survives current attacks. I actually had an offer for an interview the week I came back from my last knee replacement, and I wish I'd taken it, but I didn't feel it was right to ask off on my first day back, as it wasn't fair to work. I really regret that now. It was a library job with the state, providing children's books to kids with low vision or who are blind. I sometimes feel I was more concerned about work than vice versa. I was once told it wasn't my business to worry about the number of patients on the schedule or who was out that day when asking off, that wasn't my job. I thought it was just common courtesy and trying not to be a bother. Oh, well. No longer my problem. I am exactly who I need to be in this moment. I will continue to be. I will do better. And I am equipped to handle all situations effectively, even if in the short term it seems bleak. In the long run, I will prevail and flourish, and never give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me fail.

Have a good night.

So...I'm no longer at Shriners anymore

It wasn't by choice, but I'm not at the medical centre anymore, at the organisation I've called home for 28 years and 11 months. In that time, I've met some amazing people I will miss. Hopefully, new doors will open for me. Wish me luck!

Reflections on 2017

2017 was an incredibly difficult, terrible, horrible, no-good year.  I say, good riddance.  In 2017 I:

• Lost my mother to end-stage liver disease.
• Lost a job I'd been at for twenty years, that I loved.
• Was unemployed for several weeks, with all the uncertainty that brings.
• Had a lot of general anxiety.
• Spent an inordinate amount of money on keeping my health insurance going through COBRA.
• Watched the country and the world go down the tubes in terms of politics [in my opinion].
• Dredged up childhood fears of nuclear Armageddon thanks to the insane, narcissistic morons in charge of two major countries with weapons of mass destruction.
• Watch what I thought was a great relationship (not mine) unravel due to addiction on the part of one spouse, despite all efforts of the other.

Some good things did work out for me in 2017:

• I managed to ave for the new building or donate most of the professional medical library I worked in to India, including the journals. 
• I was only unemployed for seven weeks, having been requested back at my old employer in a different capacity due to higher volumes to do contract work--no benefits, but it kept the lights on.
• I moved in with a friend to share expenses, someone who I've known for 30 years, whom people have always said we should live together, which we've always resisted, and it's working out really well.
• Moving forced me to put my therapy into practice and completely de-hoard my belongings.  Some are in storage.  Many were donated or discarded.  I wish I could have gotten everything to charities, but still, I donated a lot. I'm now basically living in a room with a bookcase bed with drawers, two nightstands, and the use of a cedar chest and closet, and I'm much happier to not be crushed under mounds of stuff accumulated over my (mostly) adult life.
• I recently was hired by my old employer as a regular worker.  While it's for quite a bit less money than I had been making as a librarian, I have full-time work with benefits and was able to go back to regular health insurance, etc.  I like the people I work with, I'm still very invested in the work the non-profit does in caring for children with disabilities and musculoskeletal issues, and it's nice to still be around people I care about.  If the right library job came along, I'd certainly apply.  But right now, at least I'm working and doing okay.
• Thanks to living with a great cook who makes healthy vegetarian food (as opposed to just bread and cheese, my mainstays), I've lost weight.

Things I hope will work out in 2018:

• I'm learning to de-stress with my work responsibilities and handle the volumes and duties necessary.  I want to continue improving so that I don' t really feel overwhelmed like I did in the first few months I worked.  I'd like to get to a point where I don't just come home exhausted on big-volume days wondering why I am doing what I'm doing.  I want to do what I'm doing and loving it, or barring that, find a job that I love being there for.  That's one reason for the lack of blogging; I simply am too tired most nights, because I've given my all at work.  I think that's getting better, though.
• I hope I can make changes to improve my health.  Watching my mother die of liver disease was very disturbing.  She smoked and had an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise for most of her adult life, had the misfortune to have diabetes (our entire family on my maternal side is pretty much diabetic, pre-diabetic, or at risk for it) and COPD (much of that was from smoking, but her father and I both also had/have asthma and breathing issues, so there was already an underlying propensity).  When the only thing that could have saved her was a liver transplant, she was still smoking (or at  least vaping), wasn't exactly compliant with her choices, and pretty much ran out of time between those and her age, although she was only 69, which these days is fairly young to die, especially when your mother lived with diabetes into her nineties.  What I realised was that with the exception of smoking (which I have never done), a lot of her food issues and genetics were passed down to me.  We were both overweight, although she dieted regularly when I was young, and that scarred me a little, and I've resisted it partly for that reason.  But I could eat much more healthily and not emotionally.  The diabetes gene is there, but I could improve my illness through lifestyle changes such as eating well and moving more.  Her fatty liver and eventual non-alcoholic cirrhosis may have had a genetic component but is common in diabetics, but it too can be helped through wellness changes.  When she was my age, her main indicator of what would eventually kill her was a few liver enzyme lab results that were slightly off and had been for some time.  I've had that same issue for awhile.  You know what happens when you go into this syndrome?  For one, you're more likely to get liver cancer.  My mom did, and they did an ablation and the tumour got better, but her bloodflow through the liver was impeded, so then when that happens, your ammonia builds up (as well as other toxins) to the point where you get very confused (she once put a Bic lighter in the microwave thinking it was soup, and my stepfather managed to catch her before she hit it on), and you have pints of fluid on you that have to be drained by parencentis (think of a big needle drawing fluid out of your abdomen).  You have to take LOTS of a liquid laxative that is awful and deal with the inevitable consequences to keep the ammonia and fluid from building up.  It's horrible.  She was in and out of the hospital for weeks on end in the months before she died, often unable to speak or be understood, and when she was finally put into hospice, my step-father said it was a terrible way to go, that she was in a lot of pain.  So it was a blessing when it was over.  I am so glad my step-father was there every step of the way.  Whatever anyone can ever say about him, he was a very good husband, and I wish him all the best.  He dealt with my mom's illness, her death, the death of their dog, his mom's infirmities (the lady's in her 90s), and a whole bunch of drama related to his sons' addiction issues.  I so wish him a much better 2018, too.

Okay, I guess I'd better start working on those notes.  But first I'm going to have dinner.  Good night.

Sigh

Well, I guess it's not surprising that with my last day of work I have insomnia tonight. So much going on in my brain. Not bad, just busy brain cells. I'm going to listen to some music and see if that will soothe the overactivity. Good night, everyone.

The library

Or, I should probably say more accurately, the room the library was in.

A sign

One of the dietary staff made. They aren't going, either--there is no cafeteria at the new facility.

My desk

No plants, nothing. Computer shut down. So many memories.

It was a good last day, really

1. One of our coworkers who works with various charities took a few of the books that were left, and Dr. Viji of the We Serve Foundation came back and took away the rest of the books, over twenty boxes' worth.
2. I found homes for everything in the library, including the skeleton and most of the small equipment. The only things not claimed were a pamphlet stapler and manual three-hole punch. The only things recycled were a small stack of old journals and a stack of our hospital newsletters.
3. I finished the charge entry and boxed up the files for reference at the new facility. The facility charges will not be charged--that can only be done by a hospital, and so will factor into charges differently. But we needed to keep the last 90 days' worth of sheets in case there were questions.
4. I took a few things out to the car.
5. They gave away prints of the three hospital buildings (the first, in 1922, at Good Samaritan Hospital's grounds, the second, on the present site, built in the 50s, and the present one, built in the late 80s). So I got one; I've always liked that print.
6. I got some good news about how my severance is being figured that might mean a little more security.
7. I finished up the policies.
8. I passed on a few things.
9. I got as many of the journals into DOCLINE that I could and changed the address and contact info for it.
10. I checked on job openings, but there was nothing new that fit my qualifications that was local, but I still have some to apply for.
11. I said lots of goodbyes and received many hugs. I worked with great people. I will miss them terribly.

I got out at 4:45, about 15 minutes late, but got so much accomplished, and taking one last set of pictures, which I'll post here, including a panoramic one. It's so empty. But I feel really great about how I was able to shut the library down. So oddly, I'm not crying today.

I applied

for the first of four jobs that are open right now in the area that are library-related. It is a full-time children's library at the Lexington Public Library, Central Library. Wish me luck. I have taken classes in children's literature and children's programming in libraries, initiated a local site for the Reach Out and Read early literacy program. I've done some children's programming, and I started a family resource center focused on parenting and health topics using grant monies. So, while I've been a hospital librarian for all these years, I've done this, too, and I made sure I put them in the application. Also, I've supervised high school volunteers who were from a special education program. I've been a solo librarian all this time, but I did do that, including having a young lady who was interested in computers help me with the cataloguing. It was a great experience.

Wish me luck!

The other three are all academic positions: a library manager position, a faculty digital humanities librarian (both at Young Library), and a health sciences librarian in instructional design/nursing liaison, also a faculty position, and that one's at the Chandler Medical Library, where I know several staff (and one of my references is there, and three of my references are nurses). I hope one of these four pans out. :)

I dropped off the family resource books from the hospital as a donation to the Lexington Public Library today. There were three big boxes (I didn't pack them, so they were kind of heavy; I think my hand truck, which is rated at 300 lbs, might have been tested). I'd say there were about 200 books. I think they'd be excellent for their collection, or there is a Friends of the Library sale in April.

That leaves about a third of the library books (most went to the new facility in various offices) to box up and give to charity. There are some things upstairs, as well. I have to make a guide to using the UK Med library (there is no affiliation agreement on library services, but any resident of the Commonwealth of Kentucky can use the library and get a library card, and they are across the street on the other side of the hospital from the new facility). I need to finish changing our DOCLINE holdings to the electronic journals they will still have. All my stuff is basically home already--the plants, the various stuff from the desk, a few professional books, etc. I still need to bring the MLA News and the Journal of the Medical Library Association issues in, as well as a vase, and a I found that needs to go to the new head of the membership committee of the Hospital Libraries Section of the Medical Library Association (they're buttons with the logo, which I had when I was chair), but everything else is in the house. Now I just have to figure where to put things. :) The plants, at least, are in the window. I was afraid they weren't getting much light, but I was home during the afternoon sunlight, and I think they'll be okay. But it's afternoon sun, not the overhead and north-eastern exposure they're used to. So we'll see.

YKWIA wanted to be alone with his thoughts today, and I guess I wouldn't be great company, either, since I'm a little sad about the whole library closing thing and afraid about being unemployed, so I need to work on the game notes and work on the apartment some.

I did speak to the librarian at St. Joseph Hospital here in Lexington. She's hosting a Kentucky Medical Library Association meeting April 4th, and I don't have anything else planned, so I can go. She wanted to make sure I knew, especially as I'm still an individual member of the association. I had sent out a goodbye message to the electronic list the other day. She and another librarian were interested in the group that took our journals, so I gave her some contact information and will get back with the other librarian this week.

I'm kind of mellow, as I've been listening to Pandora, the Ed Sheeran station, although Coldplay's 'Yellow' is playing right now. I think I'm going to go listen to an audiobook (The Arm and the Stone, by Victoria Strauss, and scrounge up dinner, and then really work on the house. Among other things, the fish are getting low on their water in the tank. I am a bad fish mom. I've had several for years, feeder goldfish that are fairly pretty, and there are two left, in a 29-gallon tank. I'm thinking of cleaning everything out and starting over, with the fish in a small tank till the big one gets well-established. It's always had trouble with nitrates (which aren't as dangerous as other things, but most fish don't do well, and there are algae blooms), from the get go, the first time I ever had trouble with them. It doesn't matter how much I clean it, the nitrates stay up, even with an established aquarium. So we'll see. I'm not sure I can get away with a three-gallon tank temporarily housing two fish, as goldfish actually need some space, but I'll try to do something. But right now I have to do something, as they're not happy.

Okay, I'm going to sign off for now. At least I got that application in (Monday at 9 am is the deadline). My computer was giving me fits and I had to restart it. Hopefully it'll keep going--I certainly can't pay for a new one right now, and unlike a desktop, I can't really fix laptops. I guess the principles are the same, but everything's so smaller, and there's a battery. I'd rather replace something in a desktop (I can do modems, drives, memory cards, etc., and I think I could do a power supply but haven't). But laptops are a different story. But I think mine has to do with the fact that it's a Windows 8 machine running Windows 10 and it's four years old, which is kind of old for a computer. My desktop (which YKWIA has borrowed) was originally a Windows 7 machine, and it sometimes has issues, and seems to not like him in general, though it works for me (I used to have the same trouble with his Windows 7 machine). I know machines do not 'like' certain operators over others, but it seems electronics can be temperamental. I know I've had people who used our copier who jammed it every time, to the point where I would meet them at the door and ask to make the copies myself. I've come over to the copier and just touched it, and it's been fine. Just saying. Anyway, I may write later. I'm hungry (I had cheese and bread for breakfast, along with lima beans, and I had a can of peas for lunch, so I haven't had much today). Next week is right before payday AND the dietary department will no longer be serving hot food (they aren't going to the new facility, either). So I'll have to figure out what I can take. I've got a couple of cans of vegetarian chili and some vegetarian burgers. That may be what I eat. In case I don't get back here to write tonight, good night.

Five more days

That's it. Five more days at work. Wow.

Sigh

Apparently, Pandora can magically sense my mood tonight: 'Oblivion' by Bastille, 'Your Bones' by Of Monsters and Men, and 'Lifeline' by Mat Kearney, have all played in the last few minutes. My mom, the library, even the children's book programme--all going away, evaporating, leaving my life. It's really starting to hit me. Ten more workdays left till the end. Then I show up on the 31st, sign my paperwork, and that's it. Tomorrow will be my 20th year at work. And while I wouldn't trade it for anything, its ending makes me more than a little sad.

I took a bit of a break from blogging

after losing my mom.  In fact, I took Wednesday to be mostly to myself and sort of process everything.  Once I went back to work on Thursday, I played catch-up over the next couple of days.  I was lucky, they found some way for someone else to do my data entry, in a totally different way than I do, so I had a large stack of papers waiting for me that were already finished. Yay!  But I was still very busy both Thursday and Friday.  The library is full of flowers, as the freesias are still blooming, and the orchid (the other is getting ready to).  I brought some lovely potted, fragrant tulips in from my mom's funeral, and someone donated flowers from another funeral to the hospital and one of sthe recreation therapists brought some lovely pink roses and carnations in a vase to me.

Friday my friends' cat, who has fought kidney disease for years, was doing poorly, with laboured breathing and obviously having trouble.  So the next morning we went to the vet and they had him put down.  He was a great kitty, eighteen years old, and he had a wonderful life with them.  I took one of my friends to work, and then I came on home.  The one who was closest to the cat wanted to be alone for awhile.  I understood.  That's how I felt with my mom.  So it's been a difficult week or so with loss.

Today I brought them a card for sympathy on the loss of a pet.  Brenda came over, and instead of playing the game, really, we just chatted and visited, and we all had a good time.  I think the companionship helped my friend.  One of the dogs kept looking for the missing kitty last night, checking where he used to sleep.  The other cat is definitely missing him, especially at mealtimes, and has been very demonstrative, more so than normal.  So the whole family is grieving, and we've all been very sad.  But my friend did an amazing job with the cat, who was given a year at most to live over three years ago, and his quality of life was very good up to the end.  I will confess that I cried a lot over him, probably on par with what I did with my mom or even a little more.  Animals are my soft spot.  It doesn't mean I loved my mom any less, but she'd had such a hard time, it was a blessing when she died.   And I think the grief for both just snowballed together, and where I didn't feel I could really cry for my mother, at least at the funeral, or break down, when I was by myself I no longer cared, and I grieved for both.

I think what strikes me the most, in both cases, is the absolute void left behind.  I keep thinking of sharing things with my mom, or about how she'd like this or that, and then I realise she's gone.  With the cat, it's little things, like feeding just one scoop of food rather than two during tonight's feeding, or watching Brenda rub the ears of the other cat and realising I would miss cleaning the kitty's ears.  I was the only one he would tolerate to do it, even years ago when he really disliked me (I once chased him with a broom trying to corral him for the vet, and he had a long memory, but the last few years he finally warmed up to me and was very loving).

Anyway, I'm home now.  A should call for a ride from work in about 35 minutes.  I'm not used to the time change yet.  I was actually up during it last night.  I'm still having some trouble sleeping in the middle of the night.  I'm listening to the Bastille station on Pandora (right now I'm listening to 'Holes' by Passenger).  I've spent the last day or two applying for jobs for a friend; I'm not going to do any more of that today.  But I got several in for him the last day or two.  And I have some to apply for myself, as well, especially needing to do cover letters.  I hate cover letters.  But I recognise their importance, and one day I will get a job due to a great and polished cover letter.  In the meantime, I keep practicing. :)

Okay, I think I'll sign off and get some things done before it's time to get A and then on to bed.  I have 19 days left before my last day at work; 15 workdays, actually.  It'll be a very busy week coming up.  Good night.

I rested for a bit this afternoon

because I'd gotten so bad that while driving over by Time Warner Cable, I ran up on a kerb, and then when I went to hang up my keys, I missed the hook twice and had to fish them out from behind a table. I wasn't doing well. Right after I blogged, I got a text from my step-father that my mother is doing very badly...she hasn't eaten in two days, and just stares ahead and isn't responsive. He doesn't think she has very long at all. I mentioned the other day why I don't plan to visit her in the house, but even if I was going to go--I couldn't have driven safely at all. I let him know this and let my other aunt know (he texted both me and my mom's sister).

Sigh. I feel awful. I want to be with her. On the other hand, it doesn't sound like she recognises anything at this point. I just hope it's peaceful and without pain or suffering. My step-father's taken very good care of her, and I know he'll be devastated. I'm oddly...detached. I don't know if it's some sort of coping mechanism, or what. I don't know how I'll react when she passes, and I am occasionally crying tonight, but mostly it's like my brain is trying to curl up in a ball and pretend it's not really happening. I hate that feeling.

My libations were moved, due to my perimenopause, to dark of the moon, rather than during my period, a traditional time of worship for Her (Hekate). However, since the beginning of the year, I've been poor to the point of a dollar or less in my account at the time, and I never think to get the wine ahead of time, so I promised a full bottle and honey as soon as my tax refund came in, even though it is now a waxing crescent. So I ventured out to Liquor Barn just a little while ago and got a bottle of wine and then some things at Kroger. Now I'm tired again, but my head's not hurting like it was and I can think reasonably straight. But I'm going to take the opportunity to pray tonight, as Hekate also accompanies the souls of the dead.

I know that death is a natural consequence of life, but this sucks. I know my mom doesn't want to die (who does, usually?) and I'm not sure she'd come to terms with it. I think they always thought she'd somehow be put on the liver transplant list even with her other issues and her smoking. My mom and I share a dangerous trait, that we keep doing what we want when we want it, without giving much thought to long-term consequences. While her actual condition is genetic and secondary to her diabetes (fatty liver, turning into non-alcoholic cirrhosis, and even hepatic tumours), there were things she should have done a long time ago that would have helped. It's not lost on me that I have some of the same issues, and my liver enzymes are slightly elevated most of the time when they take them. Just like hers were for years. Oh, it may be a medicine you're on. Oh, don't worry, it's just a bit elevated. That's how it was until so suddenly it wasn't.

I'm not trying to be mean about my mom. I'm just saying there were warning signs, and I should heed them, too, so I don't wind up in the same condition. Oh, of course, something will get you in the end. But maybe if I make better choices now, I'll live longer and better. Momma's only 69. Her mother, despite diabetes, was 90. In my family, with the exception of my mom's grandmother, who had a diabetic stroke in her 60s, if you smoke, you live to your 60s or maybe early 70s; if you don't, it's more 80s and even into the 90s. I've never smoked. I have a lot of issues that 'age' me beyond my years, in a way, but if I make changes in my diet and exercise, it can only help. But I've got to do it. Of course, one big change I have no control over that should help is very soon I won't be eating 2-3 meals per day in our cafeteria, which isn't the most nutritious of food (it's mostly fried stuff, pre-packaged, and processed, with an occasional green vegetable, I hate to say). It's been better in the past, especially for vegetarians, but still, it's not the best route I could do.

I've already come up with a schedule for the time I'm off (however long that will be) so I'll keep normal business hours. Today I got an Indeed alert to two more jobs (that's a total of five), one at the university, in the health sciences library. It's closing date is April 25th, but all I have to do is a cover letter and have some friends and colleagues look over my curriculum vitae. Keep your fingers crossed for me. One is with the state, one with a local public library, and three with the university. So things are looking up, which is good, as we're thirty days for closing down.

Okay, I think I will definitely take the trazodone and start making preparations for bed. Good night.

Maybe I shouldn't have put this reminder

On my phone,  but it counts down and shows on a widget how many days to an event.  I have this many (124) until I lose my job at Shriners Hospitals for Children, reaching the milestone of 20 years of service a short time before I am laid off.  But I thought it might encourage me in my job search and work on library decommissioning in the meantime,  so I wouldn't put things off.

I found out the other day

That my phone will take panoramic photos.  This is one of my library at work.  It's small,  but it's home.  I will so miss it.  It's hard to believe that I have to dismantle it over the next four months. :(

I'm feeling pretty sad right now

We were watching the episode of 'Ugly Betty' where she (finally) got her first business cards from Mode magazine. I was reminiscing about how I felt when I first got mine, and then that inevitably led to the fact that the job that's been such a part of my life is ending in nine months. I'll still have most of a box of cards left when it ends (they gave us new ones when the logo changed, and I've only gone through about a fourth.) My tendency, of course, will be to hoard them, but instead I'll keep one or two as keepsakes and move on, hopefully to a new job with new title and cards. But despite everything, I really haven't kept the focus on losing the job so much as trying to find another one, so all the emotions I'd been suppressing came to the forefront a little while ago. While it's good I let myself feel them and express those feelings, it's best not to wallow in them or otherwise have a self-pity party. But my workplace has been my home away from home for almost twenty years. That's hard to let go of.

I think it's time to head over to Facebook. I need something to cheer me up. Maybe there will be a funny video or two.