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Numb

So I went to the library yesterday and found these. First thing I'm doing today is making a to-do list for today (ADHD essential), then a schedule for the week. Then I'm reading the LinkedIn book so I can tweak my profile there. I may go to the YMCA. I canceled it (I won't be able to pay for it), but I have a week left and with all the snow and ice and being sick I wasn't able to go all month so I don't want to waste the money I paid this month. It would probably help with self-care. I still haven't broken down or let any of this really 'hit' me. I've felt a little anger, a little sadness, but very shallow emotions--exactly like when someone in my life dies. I never cry at funerals. I push my emotions down. Sometimes they come flooding out when I'm alone or when I'm with my roommate, but otherwise, I feel kind of numb. I have one more therapy session we added before my insurance ends. That should help. But going to the Y might help with the somatic stress too, as I carry out all in my body instead of letting it out.

So the night before last

I wasn't online because it was time to do the Windows 10 Anniversary Update, and my laptop, for whatever reason, is always really slow at updating. When I took it from Windows 8.1 to Windows 10, for example, it took a grand total of about 24 hours to install the new operating system. Regular updates aren't a problem, but this was a large file and changed some features. So at first it seemed to download way too quickly, and then got stuck on preparing for installation, and in fact, it had failed. I'm not sure what I did to get it going again, but this time it downloaded (slowly, and this was on an Ethernet connexion and not Wi-Fi). It was doing the preparing to install thing again, so by that time it was late and I went to bed for awhile. When I got up and came back to it, I started the installation, then went back to bed. A couple of hours later it was at 50% installation. By morning though, I just had to restart, and it was on its way. Since then I've tweaked the tiles on the start menu and gotten rid of what I don't use, while reordering what I do. I also updated Chrome, Adobe Acrobat Reader, and my anti-virus software (dropping back to the free version of the software; I just couldn't pay $70 or so for the two computers this year. I have not updated the desktop, which is over at YKWIA's, but I will try to do that this weekend, if I can find a time when he's not on it or needing it. It shouldn't take nearly as long as the laptop; maybe an hour or two.

I'm excited about playing the game this weekend, too. I've missed it--we haven't played since late April, and we usually play weekly. We've been playing this ongoing campaign since July 1991, so we've recently reached the 25-year mark. Yay!

Yesterday I got caught up in 'branding' my social media sites for the job search, and updating publications on LinkedIn. I'm up to 38, with one more recently submitted, and while most of those are book reviews, I've done a column, a book chapter, several stints as librarian selector for Doody's Core Titles in the Health Sciences, in two different subjects, and two different sections of a book meant for collection development as well. I also have a finding aid from before I became a librarian, as part of an internship in state publications, under my former name. So it is varied. I would like to frame a research study or write an entire book at some point. I may write an article about shuttering our library, as there isn't much on the subject out there in the literature.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. I left her messages on her voicemail, e-mail, and Facebook, but I'm not sure she got them. I hope she had a good day.

This morning I saw my podiatrist and ordered some shoes, this time ones that will be good for exercising and walking in, rather than work shoes. Tonight I helped YKWIA with a few small things, did a short grocery run for both of us, and got home about 9 pm, right before dark. I've eaten some bread and cheese and now I think I'm going to take it easy, cool off (I've been warm all day), and maybe read and listen to some music. I got my work done today, but for whatever reason wasn't feeling particularly motivated--I just soldiered on anyway. Tomorrow I must pay some bills, including my rent, take YKWIA for an appointment in the afternoon, and get my allergy shots. I'm up to the green phial; I'm hoping to build up as quickly as I can. I was near the top of the build at one point and then life got in the way--I had to fall back down to silver and start almost over again. Even missing one week is an issue at this point. At my last visit, my allergist actually was telling me about new single-allergen sublingual immunotherapy, which I guess is an indication that I should make the time to come in more often. They're open late Wednesdays, at least. I'm going to stop by tomorrow just because I'll be in the area--down the street about a block--but normally I'm shooting for mid-week. Unfortunately, that doesn't always work. :)

Okay, I think I'm going to go relax before going to bed. I may turn in early--I didn't get much sleep on the night of the update, and I didn't sleep well last night, either. And two nights ago I had a horrible dream where there was a transgender uprising in response to oppression and Muslims were being rounded up like cattle. I think I'd read too much about Donald Trump that day. I count any dreams of oppression and violence as a nightmare, don't you? Hopefully tonight will be more pleasant in the dream department.

I am terribly and utterly pooped

Why is it that the days we're not at work seem the longest and most busy? I spent 13 hours waking my friend up, getting him to his appointment, waiting for it to be over, getting him to the pharmacy and then home, and keeping him company while he slept off an on, only leaving him once he'd had some food. Then I took something over to another friend, and finally got home, ready to get away from traffic, people in general, and just relax to some music. I wound up working on job-hunting related stuff--LinkedIn profiles (I didn't get all of my publications in, but I did get quite a few--it's looking much more polished), and I moved my online documents to another URL that didn't have rabid librarian in it. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with being a Rabid Librarian, but I don't want that to be the first thing people see. So now it's under my whole name (I almost never use my second middle name (it isn't even on my driver's licence or work signature, just on my social security card, really). But it is a part of my legal name.

Today was one of those days when I couldn't seem to get anything right, but overall I did okay. I'm back to work tomorrow, which is good, because I actually didn't have enough personal time off to cover today--I can't afford to miss any more for a little while. I accrue at a high rate, but I spend it in a couple of hours here and there for appointments, and I always seem down a bit, ever since they used 80 hours of PTO instead of extended illness bank hours for my last two weeks of being off with my ankle; my PTO has never recovered. I should have made them fix it, but I let it go at the time because it was such a bother, and I regret that. Oh, well, that's water under the bridge now, no use in bemoaning it.

Alright, I think that's all I can do tonight. It's definitely time for bed. Tomorrow comes early (I'm going to try to make up some time and still be able to get my allergy shots this week.) Good night.

I got home about 8:30 tonight, which isn't bad for me

And I remembered to come in the other entrance to the apartment complex, as there is angled parking across from my building and the striped the new asphalt in the opposite direction than it had been, mainly so vehicles would not block the drive as people come around the corner of the wall. I came in and immediately started looking through the cabinets, but didn't find much other than some steel-cut oats, quinoa, and hot chocolate. I did, however, find a full jar of Dickinson's blackberry preserves that I'd forgotten was in the refrigerator. I still have a bit of peanut butter, too. So the first thing I did before changing into comfy clothes or anything else was put the ingredients for bread into the pan of the breadmaker and set it. I should have bread before midnight. Oh, and I found some not-too-limp celery and managed to salvage a stalk, so that will tide me help with my rumbly stomach. I'm so glad I get paid in a little over 24 hours. It's pretty much all spoken for, but I should be able to get some food and restock the pantry some, hopefully.

So now I'm in the bedroom, listening to the OneRepublic station on Pandora. I'm surprised I still have Wi-Fi, to be honest--I need to pay the Internet and electric bills or they'll be disconnected later this week. Sigh. Things will get better. I will find either a part-time job that will help, or a full-time job that will let me avoid the unemployment line next April when my current positions end. The only job of note out there is an associate at Lexington Public Library, which is part-time and I could do that as a second job, but I don't know if they'd hire a degreed librarian. I think I'll call tomorrow; it closes Friday. It can't hurt to ask if they would at least consider it. In the meantime, I've checked out several books on using LinkedIn and other social media to brand oneself, create a network, and find a job. Maybe that can help. One thing about being a librarian, you tend to think the answer to something is to be found in a book. That's not always the case, of course, but educating oneself can never be bad.

Speaking of which, I'm going to go work on my LinkedIn profile a bit. Hope you're having a good week. Oh, and PS, I think I've finally stopped the second period of the month, which is a relief. I still need to make that appointment, though.