Numb

So I went to the library yesterday and found these. First thing I'm doing today is making a to-do list for today (ADHD essential), then a schedule for the week. Then I'm reading the LinkedIn book so I can tweak my profile there. I may go to the YMCA. I canceled it (I won't be able to pay for it), but I have a week left and with all the snow and ice and being sick I wasn't able to go all month so I don't want to waste the money I paid this month. It would probably help with self-care. I still haven't broken down or let any of this really 'hit' me. I've felt a little anger, a little sadness, but very shallow emotions--exactly like when someone in my life dies. I never cry at funerals. I push my emotions down. Sometimes they come flooding out when I'm alone or when I'm with my roommate, but otherwise, I feel kind of numb. I have one more therapy session we added before my insurance ends. That should help. But going to the Y might help with the somatic stress too, as I carry out all in my body instead of letting it out.

Something to contemplate--or, confessions of a (temporarily, I hope) non-reader

When I was a kid, books were my friends. I was an only child.  I didn't feel particularly loved, was starved for attention, and as the youngest in my class didn't make friends easily, especially given that as a military brat, we moved so much.  I love board games, for example, but as a child played my left hand against my right hand because I really had no one to play with, something that now saddens me when I think about it, and it may come as no surprise that in addition to anxiety issues, I probably spent the majority of my childhood, especially my adolescence, clinically depressed.  I excelled at school, because I read so much, and because it was the only way I really felt like anyone cared enough to give me attention.  Over time, I retreated into a fantasy world whose walls were built in books.   Reading transported me to different places, I emphasised strongly with the characters, and as I grew older I surrounded myself with books and ran stories through my head constantly.  I became a librarian partly because of my love of books.  But it took a darker turn.  I hoard books physically.  At the old place, I had something like seventeen bookshelves in a one-bedroom apartment.  I had more books at home than the library I worked in.  I got a Kindle, and collected books on it, hoarding there, too.  For a while I read with gusto, but my 'to be read' pile just kept getting larger, and I began to fall behind.

For a few years now, I've really struggled with reading for enjoyment, and I don't read much at all anymore, which I find incredibly frustrating, as I identify so strongly with being a reader and a librarian, and really, what does it mean when you surround yourself with books, both in professional and personal life, yet never open them? I do better with non-fiction rather than fiction, but even then, I skim a lot and don't read cover to cover.  I even check out books from the library, sometimes for months at a time, and don't read them.  I want to.  I think they sound interesting.  It's hoarding at its finest.  At first, I said, oh, I don't have the time.  That's the problem.  Or, I have trouble deciding what to read next.  That's not it.  My best friend finally explained it to me.

I started coming out of my shell and really expanding outside the walls of my fantasy land in my late-twenties and early-thirties.  I got divorced, got a job I loved with great co-workers, and developed lasting and short-lived friendships as well.  I interact with people here in the real world on a daily basis--and in fact crave it, now, as quiet days at home are hard to deal with, for this historically introverted person.  'Lisa Land' as we call it, home of unicorns and pixie dust and where I can be the princess of my own world, is no more, for the most part.  As such, the walls came down, and I learned to make friends with real people, not just things.  In that sense, I've outgrown books, or rather, what they always represented to me.  I have a similar relationship with food.  Just as food is really there for sustenance, not emotional support, books are there for entertainment and information.  I really need to learn to approach them as they were intended rather than as a treasured friend.  I think that is the only way I will enjoy reading again.  Maybe if I can do that with books (and food), enjoying them for what they are, not the baggage I created for them, then I will love reading.

So, the first step is obviously to consider this and try to approach books in a different way.  I think it best if I sit down and read some every day, even if it's for a short time.  I'm going to start with the books I brought with me (there aren't many, but I chose them carefully), which are in my room.  I will read one fiction and one non-fiction book a day for 20 minutes each.  I will include one library book for 20 minutes as well, so I stop hanging onto them too long.  That's an hour of reading a day and will vary things nicely and take care of various books at a time.  I could just do an hour of reading on one book a day, but I think this will help, and I can always increase the time per section or revise it later.  It's not set in stone.  But I want to do at least an hour each day.  After I finish the physical books here, I can move onto my Kindle (everything else is in storage).  I'm hoping by taking action, by putting it into practice, I can learn to enjoy books for themselves, learn some things, and get back into the habit of reading.

I've done everything else I need to do today except the game notes and look up some financial information.  It's 5:20 pm now.  If I start reading at 5:30, I can read before dinner, eat at 6:30 and feed the animals, and start the notes by 7 or 7:30.  Several books here are language books.  If I add some time for studying I can do that, too, but if I start today, it should be after the notes are finished.  I've found that my thinking is getting fuzzier, lazier.  I think reading and studying will help.

Sigh

Today was busy. After work, I went and got some medicine for a friend and a couple of things I forgot at the store, mailed X-Men: Apocalypse back to Netflix, and came on home. So I feeling productive but a bit drained. Still, I was doing fine until I opened my mail, found something that upset me, and then everything unravelled, and I had a series of minor yet unfortunate events, things like going to the bathroom and discovering that YKWIA had forgotten to replace the toilet paper (it's something he does--I hate to make generalisations, but I'm convinced it has something to do with that Y chromosome). The last straw was taking out my contacts and one of the lids to the case fell behind the pedestal sink and I had to go digging for it. I just started crying. YKWIA and I talked about what was bothering me, really, and then I fed the animals and decided to soothe my mood with some music for about 20 minutes. I ate dinner (Morningstar veggie 'ribs' in hickory barbeque sauce, acorn squash soup, and bread). Then I went into the other room, found a mouse, put that on the desktop in the library because the wireless mouse's wheel has stopped working, cleaned up a bit in there, and then sat down and read, finishing the book I mentioned the other day. It really is enlightening, and it helped put my reaction into perspective, as I was responding as a Good Girl, and that's never good, with all sort of embarrassment, guilt, and the sense that people wouldn't like me because I failed to do something.

I really need to get rid of that Good Girl inside me and grow up completely and be a strong, independent woman.

Yesterday I applied for an outreach librarian at Frankfort's Paul Sawyier Public Library, which delivers materials to seniors and others who find it hard to get to the library itself. It doesn't require a master's degree, but I was interested in doing that, so I went to apply. I haven't given up the idea of being a librarian, after all.

Every morning the cat comes into the bathroom with me after I wake up, no matter where he might be in the house. He usually sits on the ledge that the shower enclosure is built into, but will move to the heat register if the furnace comes on. But he stays while I shower, in the hopes that I will feed him, which isn't going to happen. I don't feed them in the morning because that would encourage barking and the cat acting out. Instead, YKWIA feeds them in the morning, and I usually feed them in the evening. Anyway, he was in the bathroom and I went and got my hair dryer, something I rarely use, but I'd decided to use it today, and apparently, he had not been in the bathroom whilst I used it before. Needless to say, he freaked a bit. Poor kitty. But my hair looked nice today. :)

I'm getting sleepy. YKWIA is on the phone with a friend from Cicero, Illinois. I'm in the living room (my bedroom) using the hotspot on my phone. I've been listening to Pandora, specifically the Imagine Dragons station. I think I"m going to head on to bed soon. I need to get up early to make sure I don't have a flat tyre; I was at the store earlier, and someone came in pretty much on my side of the drive, leaving me just a little room to exit, and I wound up running roughly over a kerb. So, there's always that chance. I backed into the driveway so I can easily see the passenger rear tyre. Of course, I'll need to get up early, about 6 am, so if I need to, I can take the bus. Here's hoping that it's fine, as I don't really have any more repair money just now.

Good night. Hope your Monday has gonne well.

Feeling better today

There's nothing I can do beyond what I have for the financial situation, and even if any of the money comes in today, there's nothing to do with it till Monday. So, in a way, my anxiety has lessened. It's just a waiting game now. I've gotten up, showered, eaten some homemade oatmeal bread with some honey, and then I've already taken my friends to an appointment--I'm just waiting for them to go ahead and get out of it. Then I'll take one to to work and the other home. I think I'll come back and work on the game notes. I had all that time yesterday, but didn't feel like doing it, especially as I'd have to deal with the character death all over again. Then I think I'll have a quiet day at home. I think it'll be good for me.

Okay, I think I'm going to get some more water and get ready to get the guys. Have a great day.

Me on my 50th birthday

So my birthday started out a little rough, but it got better. With all that's been going on, I guess a little lability was to be expected. But I finally got out and went to a friend's house, and we watched the movie Winter's Tale, which was good, and now I'm home, listening to music. I feel better than this morning, a whole lot better.

I'd said I'd update

although my neck pain is enough that I'll try to make this quick. Sigh. I'm still digesting the full-impact of what I was told, but here is the gist:

1. The lining of my uterus is very thick, much thicker than normal, and that's a sign of possible endometrial hyperplasia.
2. I have fluid inside my uterus, which may be some sort of fluid-filled polyp or the like.
3. I have a couple of fibroids, nothing to worry about--they're benign--but they could be causing the bleeding.
4. I have to have a biopsy of my endometrial lining to check for the hyperplasia, see what type it is, and check for precancerous or cancerous cells.
5. The doctor tried to do a biopsy today, but:
   • I apparently have a very small, very closed cervix.
   • She could not get the instrument into it.
   • In order to dilate it, she will need to use another tool that will hurt. A lot.
   • Also, she might have to cut it somewhat, to get it open, so that will also hurt, a lot.
6. As a result, I will have to have a hysteroscopy and D & C, so she'll open up my cervix, put a camera inside, take the biopsy, scrape the lining and remove the fluid. All of this will be done while I'm under, so I need a driver, and I'll need to take off work for a day, and I have almost no personal time off, due to going to doctors' appointments for me and a friend.
7. Best case scenario: The endometrial lining is relatively normal, and does not show hyperplasia.
8. Medium case scenario: I have endometrial hyperplasia, and have to have a special IUD placed inside my uterus for the next five years that will release progesterone, keeping the lining small, reducing the chance of developing cancer, and make my periods irregular and possibly stop.
9. Worst case scenario: They find precancerous or cancerous cells, meaning I'll have to have a hysterectomy, be off work for two to six weeks depending on what type, may need a short hospital stay, and take care to recover well.
10. I got sent home with a pill I'll have to use vaginally four hours before the procedure. Hopefully I won't lose it in the meantime. :) It will help my cervix loosen up a bit. They will call me with the appointment time and date as soon as it is scheduled.

I've always rather taken my lady parts for granted. Sure, I've had the hormonal imbalance found in polycystic ovarian syndrome all my adult life, but my periods were regular and everything seemed to work as advertised. I assumed that the symptoms I've described were the beginnings of perimenopause. I think my doctor's very good with instinct, and I'm glad she counselled having the ultrasound and getting checked out for this. At no point has any other gynaecologist even mentioned the chances of uterine cancer were higher due to diabetes, obesity, and PCOS. She said that was probably due to my lack of symptoms and regular periods. That's actually in my favour; the risk for cancer is there, but is much greater if you go for long periods without a period due to hormonal imbalance--too much oestrogen--(rather than pregnancy or breastfeeding, both of which lessen your chances of uterine cancer).

I know most likely it will all be okay. But this is the first time anyone has seriously thrown the 'C' word into play, and I'm a little scared. Scared of cancer. Scared of having minor procedure and then possibly major surgery, especially with so little time left in my job, almost no PTO (although my extended illness bank is great, so that would pay for all but three days of the recovery, so that's good), and with so little time left with insurance.

After I got back this afternoon, in the midst of the initial stages of panic, I called my best friend. Just hearing his voice was comforting. I knew he wouldn't sugarcoat anything, insist that everything would be fine, etc., but even though he is usually about as comforting as Sheldon from 'The Big Bang Theory', I find him comforting in times when I need him most. He calmed me down and urged me to take it one step at a time. Later, I went over there after work to help with a couple of things and he fed me; he's Jewish, what can I say, he comforts with food.

So I will not panic. I'll take information as I get it and weigh my options. Even if the cells are cancerous, I think the hysterectomy is normally sufficient, so long as it hasn't spread outside. Even worst-case scenario, it's not like I'd die the moment they tell me. But I have to admit, this just reiterates to me how precious time is.

I debated doing this update. It might complicate my job prospects, for example. I finally decided for one reason: if any of you are experiencing changes in your bleeding, spotting between periods, missing periods--even if you're of an age for perimenopause, I strongly urge you to seek medical advice. I'm glad that my gynaecologist, on my very first visit with her, immediately pursued this rather than just pooh-poohing me or assuming I was going through the change. I really appreciate her manner and candor. Her name is Dr Elizabeth Elkinson, with KentuckyOne Health.. If you're in the area, have these symptoms, or any of the reproductive system that just don't feel right, I would recommend her.

Okay, I think I'm going to go ahead try to relax, maybe listen to some music, and then turn in early. Good night.

Odd

You wouldn't think I would fine Linkin Park's Meteora to be relaxing music before bedtime, but that's exactly what I'm doing. I couldn't actually sleep to it, but I do find it takes some of the tension out, even cleanses my emotions a bit. Weird.

I have been extremely productive over the past two days, both at work and outside it. Yesterday I moved the better part of 800 books, many of them twice, as I integrated the newer books into my collection, which had become crowded early in the classification scheme (which is odd, as most of what I get are WE, WS, and WY (musculoskeletal, pediatric, and nursing, respectively, in the National Library of Medicine classification system). I evened things out and got everything put in properly, with just a few oversized books to work left at end of day. I also entered a lot of data entry sheets, as Friday had been a large day in clinic for that day of the week and Monday was busy, too.

After work on Monday I took a friend to a 5:45 appointment, then helped him with some things around the house. I also went to the library and picked up an interlibrary loan for him and a book for me. Between all the book moving and all, I was pretty tired yesterday evening when I did get home and I relaxed with some music and went on to bed.

The odd thing was my back didn't hurt at all, even with all the moving and walking I've done. Maybe it's feeling better, and more activity should help.

This morning I moved a bunch of children's books from one cart to the smaller one so that I could take that to the clinic when it's not insanely busy over there (which it was, today). I also packaged up and prepared some book cards and pockets to be sent to other libraries that could use them. I catalogued the last three books of my collection, from the order I made in July (they'd been on backorder). I had just enough labels, pockets, cards, etc. to process them. I had to use laminating sheets cut to fit rather than label protectors. But hey, I got it taken care of. I took the lobby magazines to their p;ace and shelved the new journals in the library. The library itself is looking neat and nice. Tomorrow I'd like to move the bound journals down so I can finally get some old Journal of Bone and Joint Surgery issues in their proper place. That might actually take a couple of days.

I did a lot on referrals today, and did a lot of charge entry sheets and the operating room reconciliation. I also sent a message to the therapist I'm trying to get in to see, since when I call I tend to get the answering service (real people), and I don't want to keep playing phone tag with them in the middle.

After work I went over to YKWIA's and helped him with a few things, watched a play called Dark of the Moon that his grandmother had taken him to as a child that was very interesting, and then I went to the store and got some groceries he needed. Now I'm home, I've taken my nightly meds, gotten ready for bed, and will turn in soon, because I have to get over to his house at 6:30 in the morning in order to make sure he's awake and ready before a 9 am appointment. Then it's back to work and hopefully lots of productivity again.

I've been feeling well the last couple days, and a little less anxious, despite the fact that this morning two cars nearly collided in front of me, and the first thing I did upon getting to the office was to accidentally dump out my meds from their reminder box, and I had to figure out which bin was missing which tablet. :) But my mood stayed steady.

Maybe the hormonal stuff has passed for the month, although I haven't started my period yet and I'm three to four days overdue. Ah, perimenopause.

Okay, the album has ended. I should head on to bed. It's early, but morning comes very early. Good night.

Had a bit of a Monday on a Friday today

Where things were annoying that were really trivial, and I kept feeling like I was outside myself listening to what I was saying and wondered why the hell I was saying anything I did, but without actually shutting up. All became clear after I'd finished work, taken a friend to an appointment, got gas (I was on my gas light), and then when he bought me dinner at Captain D's and I went to take my afternoon meds, I realised that while I'd taken my Byetta and insulin this morning at breakfast, I somehow overlooked my oral meds (which explains how I worked from 8:45 am to 2 pm without taking one pee break, as I'm usually on a diuretic and a diabetic medicine that conspire against my bladder. Anyway, I took the meds this afternoon, and I feel much better, both physically and mentally. YKWIA and I spent some time visiting, and then I came on home just before dark. I've got Loreena McKennitt playing on Pandora and I think I'll do some reading, most likely from the self-help books on hoarding I have on my Kindle and out from the library, but I'm tempted to go straight to the books I found by Randall Garrett that YKWIA had been talking about earlier. They are the Lord Darcy series, an alternative-history fantasy series. Turns out I have the first three (I think he gave them to me, actually, but I've never read them). Tomorrow is a very busy day, but I may read some from the first book, taking it with me--it's very small, actually, and will fit nicely in my bag.

For tomorrow (not necessarily in order):

• Go to a friend's house at 9 am.
• Take the friend to the vet for a special type of cat food.
• Take said friend to the pharmacy to correct a mistake.
• Take friend to an appointment.
• Go to Eastside branch of the public library for an interlibrary loan for a friend.
• Go to the Central library for two holds for a friend.
• Come home and work on the house.
• Go pick up friends.
• Take them to their respective homes.
• Give friend books from the library.
• Return home.
• Read.
• Work on the house.
• Work on the notes (we're not playing on Sunday due to Brenda being at a Society for Creative Anachronism event, but hey, it would be good to have them done for next week.

Okay, time to listen to relaxing Celtic music and do some enjoyable reading. Good night.

I'm feeling a little better today than I have in awhile

One of the challenges I took on through Habitica was to rate my emotions at least three times a day and then graph them every week, and at first I didn't take it very seriously, but I've been a little labile and more anxious of late, and when you have a mood disorder it really helps to pay attention to what's going on emotionally and what might be triggering it. I downloaded an application onto my phone called Daylio that allows you to pick from a scale of faces and what you were doing at the time (more than one, which is handy), and then it graphs the trends. It's free. I think it's helping.

I also, on a totally unrelated note, downloaded an application called Simple Metronome, not for any musical use, actually, but to read by. WHenever I read out loud in front of YKWIA, he says it sounds rushed and I trip over the words, because it's like my brain is moving quicker than my mouth. It's almost push of speech for reading. That's how I read in my head, for that matter, and I sometimes miss things because of that, as it's almost a skimming. When tested, I can focus and get the reading comprehension I need to, but if I'm not being tested, if I'm reading for pleasure, etc., then I just rush ahead. He pointed out that being a quick reader is not something to be particularly proud of; being a careful reader is better. This is an aspect of my attention-deficit disorder, we think. He suggested reading to a rhythm. I couldn't read and hit the beats at the same time, so he did the latter and I read out loud, and did much better. So he suggested I get a metronome to read by. So I got a nice simple one that allows you to change the rhythm and has a few different sounds, and it is helping.

In addition to work today, I went over to the University of Kentucky's Medical Library and took an hour-and-a-half webinar on Statistics for Librarians, sponsored by the Medical Library Association. I did well on the exercises and caught a few mistakes in the presentation (typos, mispeaking), and I really enjoyed it. It was very basic stuff, but I am terribly rusty, having just had two statistics classes in my life, years ago. The first was business and oeconomics statistics, which I hated, because the book was huge, I'm not good at oeconomics, and the teaching assistant's English was minimal, and it was a difficult class that needed some clarity of language. The whole book was word problems, which you would think I would do well in, as I'm very verbal, but actually I always did better with pure math equations and had trouble setting up world problems. I took this class because it fit my schedule better, which was a mistake--I think I wound up with a C. Later I took statistics for the humanities for my sociology degree, and that was better and more relevant, and so I understood and did better. But that, as I said, was years ago. I really enjoyed doing a class. I'm really thinking of taking a class on Coursera or watching some TED talks regularly. I feel I'm stagnating and just not mentally stimulated enough anymore.

It took 45 minutes to get back to work, with the walk to parking and then rush-hour traffic, but I came back and did my data entry so I wouldn't be behind because I said I would. I stayed till 5:30 pm, which gave me an extra half-hour, which is good, as I left a little early yesterday to take care of some things, when clinic was much slower. I also shelved a bunch of bound and unbound journals that were in the library today, and started pulling the book collection over two shelves over so I can integrate the newer books into the collection. I did stop after one shelving unit today because I was perspiring pretty heavily and didn't want to go to the class all stinky. Tomorrow I'll wear something not quite as dressy and cooler that I can really work in. I'd worn full-length pants and a button-up shirt today, with my Mary Janes and socks rather than sandals, mainly to look more professional for an academic setting--I am, after all, likely to apply for a job there if one comes up, so presentation can be important, even when you're not being interviewed. I'm lucky that my employer lets us wear Capris and sandals, so long as we're not working directly with patients or in a hazardous position, but I recognise that other institutions are more conservative. For example, I know the Lexington Public Library requires closed shoes, which makes sense, really. On the days I push around the book carts I tend to, so I don't hurt myself if I run over my foot with one. But I don't do that every day, just when I'm filling up the kids' books in the clinic, shelving, or adding books to the collection. Actually, Friday might be best to do the main shelf-moving, as I can wear jeans on Fridays. :)

I found out yesterday that one of my bosses is retiring soon, which made me sad, but I'm glad she's doing what's right for her. I don't know who my boss will be for the last three or four months, therefore.

Okay. I've eaten some burritos, listened to a Rob Thomas station on Pandora, blogged, spent some time with friends after work, and now I think I'm going to go do some reading. I'm trying to find some strategies to work on some issues, and so I've gotten some Kindle books and then also checked out a couple of physical books on the subject. That only really helps if you actually read the material, though. :)

So, Pandora has this new thing called

Thumbprint, which is a station consisting of music one has liked on the various other stations one has set up, so it's a nice mix and you're pretty assured you'll like what it plays. It's also very good at the end of a day when you're not feeling particularly great and need something cheery. Right now I'm listening to Pet Shop Boys' 'West End Girls', which originally popped up on my Depeche Mode station. :) Okay, I'm about to put some pierogis in the oven. Guess I'll wrap up for now. Sorry I didn't write much this week. I'm not sure I've had more than a two-hour block of time to myself while awake this entire week, which may be part of the reason I imploded emotionally earlier. That and hormones, and generally needing to make some changes in my life to be truly happy. Good night.

Not my best

Had a difficult, hormonal, feeling-like-I'm-going-to-fail kind of day, and I pretty much accomplished nothing I intended because I was too wound up. So I'm turning to the Internet for kitty videos and quizzes. Between that and some TLC from my closest friend, I feel better, I must admit.

This got me thinking about high school tonight

From Facebook:

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school. This was kind of fun to think about!

The year was: 1984
1. Did you know your spouse? No.
2. Did you car pool to school? No, I walked through a cemetery.
3. What kind of car did you have? None--I didn't get my first car till I was 21.
4. What kind of car do you have now? Ford Taurus
5. It is Friday night... Football or basketball game? Neither. I wasn't into sports.
6. What kind of job did you have in high school? Docent at a local historical home.
7. What kind of job do you have now? Librarian/Data Entry Clerk.
8. Were you a party animal? I didn't even know how. Still don't.
9. Were you considered a jock? Hahahahaha.
10. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? No.
11. Were you a nerd? Yes. Definitely. Thank goodness geeks finally became somewhat chic.
12. Did you get suspended or expelled? No, I was a 'good girl'.
13. Can you sing the fight song? Not anymore. College yes, high school, no.
14. Who was your favorite high school teacher? Mr Don Hoffman (Chemistry & Physics), Mr Jim Moore (Math), and Mrs Alice Shelburne (English).
15. Where did you sit for lunch? Usually in the hall reading. I didn't eat lunch.
16. What was your school's full name? Danville High School
17. If you could go back and do it again, would you? Hell, no.
18. Did you have fun at prom? I didn't go
19. Do you still talk to your prom date? I didn't go.
20. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? No. I chickened out of my 30th.
21. Are you still in contact with people from school? Just Angela L Allen from Danville (I went the first two years in Belle Plaine, Kansas, and I keep up with some of my classmates from there, like Deana Full and Cj Applegate Stonehocker).
22. What are/were your school's colors? Blue and white.

I even pulled out my senior yearbook and memory book, because I was trying to remember the full name of one of my teachers. And you know what struck me? There are three people who signed my yearbook--the three teachers mentioned in the post. Just them. That's because I was incredibly shut down during my junior and senior years of high school, and barely talked to any of my classmates. My parents were divorcing, and it was incredibly difficult for me to deal with. I was living with my mom and grandparents, having left a school where I knew everyone, even though I was geeky and not particularly popular. I don't think I even participated in anything my junior year, when I moved back to Danville. But I rebounded enough to be in Academic Bowl, Spanish Club, the National Honor Society, and Future Homemakers of America in my senior year.

I don't know if the picture conveys it, but I was a very shy girl with terrible self-esteem, who spend most of her time inside books or in her own head, mostly making up stories I hoped one day to write. I felt so fat, so awkward. One of my classmates made fun of me, calling me 'Orez'--zero spelled backwards. I look at this girl now and she seems pretty and intelligent, and pretty together, all things considered. Why do we never see ourselves like that at the time?

I didn't go to my 30th reunion--or any other reunion, for that matter. I never felt that connected to my fellow students back then, after all, and I doubted anyone would remember me or care to know how my life has gone. Even now, with the maturity of age and all I've learned, I still feel like that shy girl sometimes, and I feel like I didn't live up to her potential. I was talking to YKWIA the other day, and he said something that kind of shocked me at the time, how he thought I'd lived up to about what he expected. I was shocked, because, well, I guess I thought I'd failed to live up to where I thought I should be. He pointed out that considering the various hurdles I've had, I've done pretty well, and I should be proud of what I've accomplished. He's right, of course. But it still shocked me a bit, because, well, most people don't tell the truth like he does, and certainly not so bluntly. But it's one of the things I value in him as a friend, after all. :)

Okay, I think I'm going to go on to bed--enough of travelling down memory lane. Good night!

I use a music application on my phone called

Equalizer+, and one of the quirks of it is that if you play a new song, it tends to follow that song with the last playlist, album, or artist played before it. So I've been stuck for awhile on four songs, or more accurately, two versions of each of two different songs, and if I play one, it plays all. The songs are 'The Ballad of Accounting' (both the version by Ewan MacColl and Peggy Seeger, and the one by Battlefield Band, and 'Paint it, Black', the original by the Rolling Stones and and the cover by Ciara). They're two very different songs, but they both touch my emotions very strongly. The lyrics to the first are:

The Ballad of Accounting [Words and Music by Ewan MacColl]

In the morning we built the city
In the afternoon walked through its streets
Evening saw us leaving
We wandered through our days as if they would never end
All of us imagined we had endless time to spend
We hardly saw the crossroads
And small attention gave
To landmarks on the journey from the cradle to the grave,
cradle to the grave, cradle to the grave

Did you learn to dream in the morning?
Abandon dreams in the afternoon?
Wait without hope in the evening?
Did you stand there in the traces and let them feed you lies?
Did you trail along behind them wearing blinkers on your eyes?
Did you kiss the foot that kicked you?
Did you thank them for their scorn?
Did you ask for their forgiveness for the act of being born,
act of being born, act of being born?

Did you alter the face of the city?
Did you make any change in the world you found?
Or did you observe all the warnings?
Did you read the trespass notices, did you keep off the grass?
Did you shuffle off the pavement just to let your betters pass?
Did you learn to keep your mouth shut,
Were you seen and never heard?
Did you learn to be obedient and jump to at a word,
jump to at a word, jump to at a word?

Did you ever demand any answers?
The who, the what or the reason why?
Did you ever question the setup?
Did you stand aside and let them choose while you took second best?
Did you let them skim the cream off and then give to you the rest?
Did you settle for the shoddy?
Did you think it right
To let them rob you right and left and never make a fight,
never make a fight, never make a fight?

What did you learn in the morning?
How much did you know in the afternoon?
Were you content in the evening?
Did they teach you how to question when you were at the school?
Did the factory help you grow, were you the maker or the tool?
Did the place where you were living
Enrich your life and then
Did you reach some understanding of all your fellow men,
all your fellow men, all your fellow men?

Everyone knows 'Paint It, Black', right? The Rolling Stones made it famous, and there's a great video on YouTube where they've got footage from the VietNam War, and I've always associated that song with the era. But Ciara made an interesting version, and her cover appeared on the soundtrack of The Last Witch Hunter, the Vin Diesel movie we watched yesterday. I had gotten the song through the library some time ago, when I was looking for the Rolling Stones' version (I wound up buying a collection of their songs, as it wasn't available through Freegal. (If you're not familiar with Freegal, check and see if your library subscribes. With a valid library card, you can download three songs a week, for free, to keep)). Anyway, I'll include it here, as you may not have heard it:

Paint It, Black [originally done by The Rolling Stones]

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors any more, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby, it just happens every day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door I must have it painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors any more, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

Hmm, hmm, hmm, ...

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black

Yeah!

I think they're both powerful songs. The first really makes you question how you're living your life, whether you're living enough to be something other than a sheep. The second touches on depression, darkness, loss--very powerful emotions. And for whatever reason, every time I play anything else on my phone, it always seems to spit these out, too, so apparently I should be paying attention. :) [One other odd quirk to the program is that since my phone updated to Android Marshmallow, all the pictures suddenly got switched about. The individual songs are correctly paired with their covers, but not in the listing of playlists, albums, or artists. Weird. Hopefully that will sort out eventually.]

Last night some drama happened

not to me, but to people I love, and my thoughts are troubled tonight as a result, so much, in fact, that I had to put soothing music on in the bedroom to sleep at all, and I'm up now, in the middle of the night, pouring a libation and seeking wisdom and help in guiding things along. No matter the outcome, I can only help by being supportive, by being there when called, by being a good friend. I wish I could take the pain away, but pain is how we grow, how we mourn, how we learn to accept a new reality, and how we prepare for the road ahead. But it's hard to watch the hurting and know there's a limit to what you can do to make it better.

Think animals don't have emotion or caring?

She Told The Chimp She Had Lost Her Baby. What The Chimp Did Next Was Heartbreaking

From the Wikipedia article on Washoe:

One of Washoe's caretakers was pregnant and missed work for many weeks after she miscarried. Roger Fouts recounts the following situation:

People who should be there for her and aren't are often given the cold shoulder--her way of informing them that she's miffed at them. Washoe greeted Kat [the caretaker] in just this way when she finally returned to work with the chimps. Kat made her apologies to Washoe, then decided to tell her the truth, signing "MY BABY DIED". Washoe stared at her, then looked down. She finally peered into Kat's eyes again and carefully signed "CRY", touching her cheek and drawing her finger down the path a tear would make on a human (Chimpanzees don't shed tears). Kat later remarked that one sign told her more about Washoe and her mental capabilities than all her longer, grammatically perfect sentences

Feeling better after a difficult day

I started my day oversleeping and with my morning blood sugar through the roof. All sorts of little things irritated me, from the drive in to work, to the inexplicable difficulty in peeling my hard-boiled egg for breakfast. Things got a little better as my day went, and I just decided I was having a Monday on a Wednesday. After work I took some medicine up to the vet for a friend and exchanged it for something else, and was visiting when I did something he hates (I was overly helpful), he barked at me about it, it hurt my feelings, and generally brought lots of emotions up, and when it all came down to it, and we talked, I realised I was being a little labile, probably because my cycle is about to start. So I went on home, ate something, listened to the radio, found the cards, and generally feel a little better. Tomorrow I am off from work. I think I need a break from everything. It's not that I have a particularly hard job. I love my co-workers and place of business. I enjoy what I do, and I'm good at it. But every now and then you have to get away from the normal schedule, and the last day off I had, on my birthday, was mostly spent getting the brakes worked on. So tomorrow, here's the plan:

1. Get my car registration renewed.
2. Straighten up the house.
3. Watch a movie, either at home or with my free movie tickets from work, depending on what's in the cinema.
4. Go eat at Newk's Eatery. I won a $10 gift card from them today from a contest at work to re-name the motion lab. (I was the runner-up, with the MAGIC (Motion and Gait in Children) Laboratory.)
5. Do some actual reading.
6. Stop by the library.
7. Work on a job application. Submitted!!!

So it's a mix of fun and important stuff to do. :) Okay, I think I'm going to sign off for now and go try to do something relaxing.

My, I'm weepy today

due to my hormone cycle. I cried during Monster High earlier, and Horns. I was on Facebook just now and there's a group I follow that is called Lost and Found Pets of Lexington, Kentucky. Someone had found a dog who had been hit on New Circle Road and circled back to get it, but it had died. She took it to an animal hospital because it had a tag for a rescue group that usually microchips, and the hospital was going to try to find the owner(s) and break the bad news. There was a picture of a black dog that accompanied the post. The purpose of the group is to find pets, including providing closure when they die as a result of getting lost, but it absolutely tore me up and I started crying. I really am being a bit labile, and animals being hurt or killed is a trigger for me to just go into tears. The second time I watched Dances with Wolves in the theatre years ago, I had to leave during the scene where the horse and wolf die. I hid in the bathroom (as did another woman). I cried when we watched Sounder in school. I refuse to consider watching Old Yeller. As it is, I was almost barred from watching 'Lassie' as a child, and also 'Run, Joe, Run!' I just have a soft spot for animals, and I hate to see them suffer in any way. I hope this family gets some closure. I feel so badly for them. As far as I'm concerned, pets are family. I love the ones in my life, even though I don't have pets of my own (except fish). They are wonderful to have in your life, yet it's so painful when they die. I think that's one reason I still don't have any of my own--when Cerys died, several years ago, I just couldn't bring myself to try to 'replace' what was, for me, the perfect dog. And I don't have the right environment for a dog, anyway--I'm not home enough, although I'm home more than I used to be. Sometimes I think of getting a cat, though. Sometimes.

I feel sad and weary

Not tired. It's not that. It's more like an emotional weariness and sadness combined. I'm not sure why. I just feel that way. It could be hormonal, I suppose. But I actually had a pretty decent weekend. Today I got over to my friends' house not just on time but early, with everything I'm supposed to have with me, properly fed and medicated ahead of time. It was a good visit. I cleaned the house with a little help from A. I was going to fix some squash and couscous, but YKWIA wasn't in the mood; we'll try for tomorrow. Instead, YKWIA and I watched an episode of 'Haven'. We played the game once Brenda arrived, for about five-and-a-half hours, and then YKWIA and I watched 'Witches of East End'. But I feel kind of like I was just going through the motions. My heart wasn't really in it. I did enjoy myself, but not fully. So tonight I'm home, it's late (of course), and while I normally don't write on game nights, I have to admit, I'm a little troubled. I've got some Loreena McKennitt on and I think I'm going to do some introspection to see where the unhappy mood is coming from. It may just be that I haven't had a night to myself in almost two weeks. Or a little stress where money and job hunting are concerned. It may be completely hormonal. I'm just not sure. So I'm going to sit and think for a bit, something I do far too rarely when it comes to figuring out my psyche. Usually YKWIA is a good sounding board/therapist, but this one I think I need to work on myself.

In some ways

I'm still the fat little kid on the playground doing anything to make the other children like me, only I'm doing it in a world of adults where they just care about getting things done and other grown-up issues. So I admitted after talking to YKWIA today. Even after all these years, I'm still pretty insecure, and although it normally doesn't happen, the fact is that sometimes I react to that perceived rejection just like I did when I was a kid. So that's something to work on.

I feel much better today. One of the people involved talked to me about it and it was clear that all of us shared some blame for things not running all that smoothly, and there was some miscommunication. I felt better afterwards. Ironically, the whole thing that was time-sensitive in the first place wound up being cancelled.

Anyway, I managed to catch up at work today, and then I took my friends to Coba Cocina, a restaurant here in Lexington, for their anniversary. I then went to a comic store and picked up a couple of the latest issue of Sandman: Overture (there were two covers). I ate at Subway and then went to Gabriel Brothers and found a couple of bras, a dress, a backpack purse, socks, and a blouse for very little, really. The bras, for example, were Lane Bryant's brand, but were only $4.99 (normally about $30 or so). I really needed something off-white, so it was nice to find some. I really like the dress, and it was $13. It's a pretty summery dress in cool tones of blue, green, and purple with an asymmetric hem and lavender lining. The blouse is lacy and flowery, white with pink flowers. So all in all, it went well. I probably had no business going there given how stressed I was over money yesterday, though.

I went to get them, took them on a very abbreviated grocery run for some essentials, and got them home. One had had some sangria. He's such a happy drunk. He grabbed some things from the car because they were shiny (a bracelet, a dangling crystal, and my purple phone charger), lost the house briefly, went inside, and apparently fell asleep immediately, only to give them to the other as a present later. (I got a phone call checking to make sure I got home and thanking me for my help in making the evening a nice one.) A has put them somewhere safe so dogs don't chew them up. I just shook my head. A is going to go watch the University of Kentucky-University of Louisville game (along with most people in our state, for that matter).

I've taken my medicine, propped myself up in bed, and I'm listening to Passenger's All the Little Lights. I've got the fan on, which feels very nice on my feet. The only thing that could make things better would be a cat curled up with me, but alas, there is none. I checked the other day and the little cat Nedra that spent so many months at the shelter is gone. I hope she found a good home. I don't really regret not getting her--I think I'm just not ready for pets beside fish right now. But I hope someone cares about her and takes care of her well.

Okay, I think I'm going to sign off for now. I'm so glad it's Friday. Hope you have a good weekend. Good night.

Up in the middle of the night, briefly

Having given my libation to Hekate. I feel emotionally better than I did earlier. Building up a civilisation on a simulation game like Civilization IV helped. So did a little comfort food, although I tried not to go overboard on that. I also listened to an album, Bastille's Bad Blood, which was the only thing from the radio that I was taking comfort in. I guess that it just had to pass. I had a mild version of the 'emotional storms' I used to have, where I felt like just running away or driving really fast and exiting out of life. I'm on my medicine, everything's been rather smooth lately, with no disturbance in mood. But my menstrual cycle sometimes plays havoc with my lability. I've got to expect issues occasionally, I suppose, and ride it out, but if it happens again within a short time I'll seek help. This time it wasn't right before my period (I have a diagnosis of pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder), but rather during. There's some stressors in my life right now that generally don't bother me, but lots of little things are weighing me down, I suppose. And the dental work and the havoc it's causing to my schedule is part of the problem. It seems to be never-ending. And I wouldn't have had the issue come up that broke the camel's back and caused me to cry like a little girl if I hadn't been gone most of yesterday morning and this morning, because it would have been taken care of in a more timely fashion. So the appointments, despite all my efforts, did affect my work. Still, I had to have the dental work. The partials themselves are also a stressor, as I'm still having issues eating with them and talking with them, and have to be careful putting them in or it can get pretty annoying. I am having a much harder time adapting to them than I thought I would.

And it's expensive. I'm already paying on about $2700 from my care plan, plus I paid $400 for the root canal the other day (thankfully, from my flexible spending card on the latter), and I'm not sure how much I'll owe the endodontist. My dental insurance, while better in some ways than the one we've traditionally had, has some major limitations compared to my health insurance. The last couple of weeks I've pretty much paid bills from my bank account and did day to day living from a credit card, which isn't ideal. I have the credit, that's not the problem. But I don't want to get to the point where I'm snowed under. And I have someone in my life who still owes me over $3,000 who hasn't even made any effort to start paying it back. That's a stressor, too. I feel that I was there for him when he needed me, but I've barely spoken to him or had any interaction with him of late, and in fact, I rather think he's avoiding me. If I bring up the money at all, he tries to make me feel guilty for saying anything.

I'm just struggling to keep a balance, and I'm burning up almost all of my PTO with my doctor's visits and the upcoming trip to Chicago, and never actually seem to have time for anything fun. Well, Chicago should be fun, but it's also work. But I couldn't afford an extra day, so it's fly up one day and come back the next. I would have liked to taken off for my friends' anniversary tomorrow, but at least I'll be able to get them to their dinner date after work. There's no way I can take my birthday off this year, even though it's during the local school system's spring break and things will be slow. At the rate I'm going, I may not be able to take any day off except for assigned holidays. It's a little depressing. I think I may try to go in tomorrow somewhat early to make up a bit for all the time I missed this week, so my PTO doesn't take a terrible hit. I'm struggling just to try to maintain the 24 hours minimum required in case you get sick. I'm usually about 15 hours lately, even though I accrue about 10 a pay period. I have plenty of extended-illness bank, the one I can't touch until the fourth day of being sick, despite draining a lot off that with my ankle surgery a couple of years ago. That bounced back rather quickly. But the PTO is a struggle, and I think the lack of a vacation is starting to wear me down. Maybe Chicago will help, with a change in location, anyway. And my boss finally thinks he has a backup for me in case I ever want to take more than a day or two off at a time.

Okay, I'm bordering on whinging, so I'm going to stop now. But I do feel better than I did earlier. Things will work out. Today when I was driving and felt an overwhelming sense of distress, I breathed my way through it and got home quickly and took care of myself emotionally. Years ago I would have really struggled with dealing with emotional distress. Thankfully, my dialectical behavioural therapy still works. :)