Up in the middle of the night, briefly

Having given my libation to Hekate. I feel emotionally better than I did earlier. Building up a civilisation on a simulation game like Civilization IV helped. So did a little comfort food, although I tried not to go overboard on that. I also listened to an album, Bastille's Bad Blood, which was the only thing from the radio that I was taking comfort in. I guess that it just had to pass. I had a mild version of the 'emotional storms' I used to have, where I felt like just running away or driving really fast and exiting out of life. I'm on my medicine, everything's been rather smooth lately, with no disturbance in mood. But my menstrual cycle sometimes plays havoc with my lability. I've got to expect issues occasionally, I suppose, and ride it out, but if it happens again within a short time I'll seek help. This time it wasn't right before my period (I have a diagnosis of pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder), but rather during. There's some stressors in my life right now that generally don't bother me, but lots of little things are weighing me down, I suppose. And the dental work and the havoc it's causing to my schedule is part of the problem. It seems to be never-ending. And I wouldn't have had the issue come up that broke the camel's back and caused me to cry like a little girl if I hadn't been gone most of yesterday morning and this morning, because it would have been taken care of in a more timely fashion. So the appointments, despite all my efforts, did affect my work. Still, I had to have the dental work. The partials themselves are also a stressor, as I'm still having issues eating with them and talking with them, and have to be careful putting them in or it can get pretty annoying. I am having a much harder time adapting to them than I thought I would.

And it's expensive. I'm already paying on about $2700 from my care plan, plus I paid $400 for the root canal the other day (thankfully, from my flexible spending card on the latter), and I'm not sure how much I'll owe the endodontist. My dental insurance, while better in some ways than the one we've traditionally had, has some major limitations compared to my health insurance. The last couple of weeks I've pretty much paid bills from my bank account and did day to day living from a credit card, which isn't ideal. I have the credit, that's not the problem. But I don't want to get to the point where I'm snowed under. And I have someone in my life who still owes me over $3,000 who hasn't even made any effort to start paying it back. That's a stressor, too. I feel that I was there for him when he needed me, but I've barely spoken to him or had any interaction with him of late, and in fact, I rather think he's avoiding me. If I bring up the money at all, he tries to make me feel guilty for saying anything.

I'm just struggling to keep a balance, and I'm burning up almost all of my PTO with my doctor's visits and the upcoming trip to Chicago, and never actually seem to have time for anything fun. Well, Chicago should be fun, but it's also work. But I couldn't afford an extra day, so it's fly up one day and come back the next. I would have liked to taken off for my friends' anniversary tomorrow, but at least I'll be able to get them to their dinner date after work. There's no way I can take my birthday off this year, even though it's during the local school system's spring break and things will be slow. At the rate I'm going, I may not be able to take any day off except for assigned holidays. It's a little depressing. I think I may try to go in tomorrow somewhat early to make up a bit for all the time I missed this week, so my PTO doesn't take a terrible hit. I'm struggling just to try to maintain the 24 hours minimum required in case you get sick. I'm usually about 15 hours lately, even though I accrue about 10 a pay period. I have plenty of extended-illness bank, the one I can't touch until the fourth day of being sick, despite draining a lot off that with my ankle surgery a couple of years ago. That bounced back rather quickly. But the PTO is a struggle, and I think the lack of a vacation is starting to wear me down. Maybe Chicago will help, with a change in location, anyway. And my boss finally thinks he has a backup for me in case I ever want to take more than a day or two off at a time.

Okay, I'm bordering on whinging, so I'm going to stop now. But I do feel better than I did earlier. Things will work out. Today when I was driving and felt an overwhelming sense of distress, I breathed my way through it and got home quickly and took care of myself emotionally. Years ago I would have really struggled with dealing with emotional distress. Thankfully, my dialectical behavioural therapy still works. :)

This helped after what can only be described as a 'Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day'

From the Superhero Name Generator:

My superhero name is:

The Aqua Mistress

Abandoned as a child, you grew up with an affinity for water - and then, you discover that you are the long-lost ruler of the underwater kingdom of Atlantis! Now you must fight for control of the world's oceans, while also protecting humanity from evil! Aquatic Powers - You can breathe underwater, swim at incredible speeds, and communicate with undersea life! Now, you protect The Mystical City of Upak-Na from graffiti artists, while also battling the evil plans of Il Zuko!

Thanks to Grace for sharing it on Facebook. It brought a smile to my face. Only two other things have been good today:

1. I got gas for $3.42 per gallon when the rest of town had gone up to $3.75, thanks to Speedway being a little slow to change and my Speedy card, which was good, as I was almost on empty.
2. A friend called me early this morning to relay a conversation he had with his husband, who is incurably blond:
   • A: You know, I've always wished I'd taken time during school to do a year abroad.
   • YKWIA: Oh?
   • A: Yes, I've always wanted to see Nantucket.

To which, I said, 'So, did you tell him Nantucket is in Massachusetts?', and YKWIA said, 'No, I just put my face down into my pillow and screamed.' We think he is under the delusion that it is abroad because it's an island (I'm sure he knows that from the TV show 'Wings') and so you have to go over water to get to it. Mind you, this is the same man who thought oxen were large, mythical blue creatures and did not know that there were the normal, common variety farm type at all. I am doing my best to share both stories with co-workers and others to brighten their day.

Mine started with the endodontist appointment. It was two hours before I got back to the chair, for which they apologised.At least two people came in after me and left before I got back. But that didn't bother me too much, for I'm pretty patient. I was just worried about all the time I was missing from work, with very little head's up to my bosses, neither of which I had had a chance to talk with about going that morning. The doctor couldn't make headway with the tooth, either, so she drilled a hole on the temporary crown and put some material in the tooth that will soften the calcification. I'm still just a bit numb from the Novocaine, which was given about 7 1/2 hours ago. I even had to have a shot in my palate, which stung a bit, but at least they'd numbed my gums. I then went to work, getting there about 12:15 (missing almost four hours) where I played catch-up all day and never quite made it. Fortunately I should be able to tomorrow. The day ended with me crying over something that happened, and while I realise I am somewhat hormonal and at least didn't get defensive or break down at the time, even though I suspect someone threw me under the bus, so to speak. I merely apologised for my part of the problem, rectified it, and then held it together until I was off work. But I decided it was time to call it quits, went ahead and packed up my things and left about 10 minutes early, crying as soon as I reached the parking lot. It's been a very, very long time since that has happened, and I'm embarrassed to admit that it did, but frankly, my tolerance for problems had been exhausted for the day.

Then I went to the pharmacy to fill the endodontist's prescriptions, pick up some pen needles, and get a friend's medications for him. I stopped by Kroger and got a few things, and then got the gas and picked up a bottle of wine for my monthly libation. I did not go see my friends, because even though I would probably feel better, I doubt I'm great company at the moment. But the one just called asking me to drop off his medicine tonight. So I will. But then I'm coming home and the plan is to pretty much stay in for the night. I'm tempted to just go on to bed, but I feel that would be letting my mood win. So instead I'm going to try to relax and enjoy the rest of the evening.

I'm going to try to keep this short

because it's been an exhausting day, and I'm ready to turn in for bed.

Yesterday evening I:

1. Watched Frozen, the DVD, with YKWIA, who enjoyed it a lot and was very happy when he realised the DVD was a present for him
2. Watched several YouTube videos with him
3. Stayed up late requesting free credit reports

Today:

1. I managed to get to work on time despite waking up a half-hour before I was supposed to be there
2. I spent three hours at the dentist, only to find out that:
   • My partials weren't going in because they were off, and rocking when they were put in (it wasn't user error)
   • I have to have a root canal, to the tune of 400 more dollars, in addition to the two crowns I'd already had in my treatment plan
   • After the temporary crowns were put on, my partials went in snugly
   • But after I took them out later, I couldn't get them back in again, which is very frustrating
3. The colour copier at work was fixed by a technician, who had to replace a drum, but the moment he left it said it needed toner but refused to load the toner, even trying two different bottles, so that it would print maybe 10 pages and then quit, saying the toner was depleted, when the bottle was obviously full
4. And of course, while dealing with this and trying to get my other work done, I suddenly had all these calls with information requests; don't get me wrong, I don't mind that--I want them to call me--but it was very frustrating in terms of timing
5. I had a co-worker for whom I've been picking up the slack who according to reports is apparently spending quite some time at her desk playing games online, so another co-worker and I came up with a strategy to track my work vs. hers so that it's more apparent who does what
6. At least my 'check engine' light finally went out after a quarter of a tank of gas with STP fuel injector cleaners in it
7. I went and got a friend from work
8. I picked up some fish sandwiches for us
9. I watched 'Star Wars: Clone Wars' with YKWIA, along with some YouTube videos
10. We watched the premiere of 'The 100', which I've been wanting to see since it was announced last summer. I liked it quite a lot. It's already got more depth and interest than the remake of 'The Tomorrow People'

Now I'm home, and I'm going to go to bed. Spending time with friends perked me up for a little bit, but I'm quickly getting tired. Good night. Oh, and while it's 50 degrees, the wind is howling appropriately for the last night of winter. But according to the calendar, at least, tomorrow spring arrives. Yay!