Having given my libation to Hekate. I feel emotionally better than I did earlier. Building up a civilisation on a simulation game like Civilization IV helped. So did a little comfort food, although I tried not to go overboard on that. I also listened to an album, Bastille's Bad Blood, which was the only thing from the radio that I was taking comfort in. I guess that it just had to pass. I had a mild version of the 'emotional storms' I used to have, where I felt like just running away or driving really fast and exiting out of life. I'm on my medicine, everything's been rather smooth lately, with no disturbance in mood. But my menstrual cycle sometimes plays havoc with my lability. I've got to expect issues occasionally, I suppose, and ride it out, but if it happens again within a short time I'll seek help. This time it wasn't right before my period (I have a diagnosis of pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder), but rather during. There's some stressors in my life right now that generally don't bother me, but lots of little things are weighing me down, I suppose. And the dental work and the havoc it's causing to my schedule is part of the problem. It seems to be never-ending. And I wouldn't have had the issue come up that broke the camel's back and caused me to cry like a little girl if I hadn't been gone most of yesterday morning and this morning, because it would have been taken care of in a more timely fashion. So the appointments, despite all my efforts, did affect my work. Still, I had to have the dental work. The partials themselves are also a stressor, as I'm still having issues eating with them and talking with them, and have to be careful putting them in or it can get pretty annoying. I am having a much harder time adapting to them than I thought I would.
And it's expensive. I'm already paying on about $2700 from my care plan, plus I paid $400 for the root canal the other day (thankfully, from my flexible spending card on the latter), and I'm not sure how much I'll owe the endodontist. My dental insurance, while better in some ways than the one we've traditionally had, has some major limitations compared to my health insurance. The last couple of weeks I've pretty much paid bills from my bank account and did day to day living from a credit card, which isn't ideal. I have the credit, that's not the problem. But I don't want to get to the point where I'm snowed under. And I have someone in my life who still owes me over $3,000 who hasn't even made any effort to start paying it back. That's a stressor, too. I feel that I was there for him when he needed me, but I've barely spoken to him or had any interaction with him of late, and in fact, I rather think he's avoiding me. If I bring up the money at all, he tries to make me feel guilty for saying anything.
I'm just struggling to keep a balance, and I'm burning up almost all of my PTO with my doctor's visits and the upcoming trip to Chicago, and never actually seem to have time for anything fun. Well, Chicago should be fun, but it's also work. But I couldn't afford an extra day, so it's fly up one day and come back the next. I would have liked to taken off for my friends' anniversary tomorrow, but at least I'll be able to get them to their dinner date after work. There's no way I can take my birthday off this year, even though it's during the local school system's spring break and things will be slow. At the rate I'm going, I may not be able to take any day off except for assigned holidays. It's a little depressing. I think I may try to go in tomorrow somewhat early to make up a bit for all the time I missed this week, so my PTO doesn't take a terrible hit. I'm struggling just to try to maintain the 24 hours minimum required in case you get sick. I'm usually about 15 hours lately, even though I accrue about 10 a pay period. I have plenty of extended-illness bank, the one I can't touch until the fourth day of being sick, despite draining a lot off that with my ankle surgery a couple of years ago. That bounced back rather quickly. But the PTO is a struggle, and I think the lack of a vacation is starting to wear me down. Maybe Chicago will help, with a change in location, anyway. And my boss finally thinks he has a backup for me in case I ever want to take more than a day or two off at a time.
Okay, I'm bordering on whinging, so I'm going to stop now. But I do feel better than I did earlier. Things will work out. Today when I was driving and felt an overwhelming sense of distress, I breathed my way through it and got home quickly and took care of myself emotionally. Years ago I would have really struggled with dealing with emotional distress. Thankfully, my dialectical behavioural therapy still works. :)
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