Something to contemplate--or, confessions of a (temporarily, I hope) non-reader

When I was a kid, books were my friends. I was an only child.  I didn't feel particularly loved, was starved for attention, and as the youngest in my class didn't make friends easily, especially given that as a military brat, we moved so much.  I love board games, for example, but as a child played my left hand against my right hand because I really had no one to play with, something that now saddens me when I think about it, and it may come as no surprise that in addition to anxiety issues, I probably spent the majority of my childhood, especially my adolescence, clinically depressed.  I excelled at school, because I read so much, and because it was the only way I really felt like anyone cared enough to give me attention.  Over time, I retreated into a fantasy world whose walls were built in books.   Reading transported me to different places, I emphasised strongly with the characters, and as I grew older I surrounded myself with books and ran stories through my head constantly.  I became a librarian partly because of my love of books.  But it took a darker turn.  I hoard books physically.  At the old place, I had something like seventeen bookshelves in a one-bedroom apartment.  I had more books at home than the library I worked in.  I got a Kindle, and collected books on it, hoarding there, too.  For a while I read with gusto, but my 'to be read' pile just kept getting larger, and I began to fall behind.

For a few years now, I've really struggled with reading for enjoyment, and I don't read much at all anymore, which I find incredibly frustrating, as I identify so strongly with being a reader and a librarian, and really, what does it mean when you surround yourself with books, both in professional and personal life, yet never open them? I do better with non-fiction rather than fiction, but even then, I skim a lot and don't read cover to cover.  I even check out books from the library, sometimes for months at a time, and don't read them.  I want to.  I think they sound interesting.  It's hoarding at its finest.  At first, I said, oh, I don't have the time.  That's the problem.  Or, I have trouble deciding what to read next.  That's not it.  My best friend finally explained it to me.

I started coming out of my shell and really expanding outside the walls of my fantasy land in my late-twenties and early-thirties.  I got divorced, got a job I loved with great co-workers, and developed lasting and short-lived friendships as well.  I interact with people here in the real world on a daily basis--and in fact crave it, now, as quiet days at home are hard to deal with, for this historically introverted person.  'Lisa Land' as we call it, home of unicorns and pixie dust and where I can be the princess of my own world, is no more, for the most part.  As such, the walls came down, and I learned to make friends with real people, not just things.  In that sense, I've outgrown books, or rather, what they always represented to me.  I have a similar relationship with food.  Just as food is really there for sustenance, not emotional support, books are there for entertainment and information.  I really need to learn to approach them as they were intended rather than as a treasured friend.  I think that is the only way I will enjoy reading again.  Maybe if I can do that with books (and food), enjoying them for what they are, not the baggage I created for them, then I will love reading.

So, the first step is obviously to consider this and try to approach books in a different way.  I think it best if I sit down and read some every day, even if it's for a short time.  I'm going to start with the books I brought with me (there aren't many, but I chose them carefully), which are in my room.  I will read one fiction and one non-fiction book a day for 20 minutes each.  I will include one library book for 20 minutes as well, so I stop hanging onto them too long.  That's an hour of reading a day and will vary things nicely and take care of various books at a time.  I could just do an hour of reading on one book a day, but I think this will help, and I can always increase the time per section or revise it later.  It's not set in stone.  But I want to do at least an hour each day.  After I finish the physical books here, I can move onto my Kindle (everything else is in storage).  I'm hoping by taking action, by putting it into practice, I can learn to enjoy books for themselves, learn some things, and get back into the habit of reading.

I've done everything else I need to do today except the game notes and look up some financial information.  It's 5:20 pm now.  If I start reading at 5:30, I can read before dinner, eat at 6:30 and feed the animals, and start the notes by 7 or 7:30.  Several books here are language books.  If I add some time for studying I can do that, too, but if I start today, it should be after the notes are finished.  I've found that my thinking is getting fuzzier, lazier.  I think reading and studying will help.

Tomorrow I need

to call my optometrist and order new contacts (my glasses are already ordered at the optician's) and then call my dentist and make an appointment for the restoration and crown on that troublesome molar, which the endodontist could not totally take care of. Apparently one channel is still calcified. She said if I ever had trouble with it, I would require some minor surgery. She wants to see me in a month, too. I also need to tell my dentist about the broken partial. We'll see what can be done about that. It is a temporary one, at least. And there is a warranty on the finished product of about six months, too. So hopefully it won't cost much more. I am reminded of the skeleton that Charlton Heston finds in the original Planet of the Apes, where the person had various aids to help his body's deficits, or the snake in The Seven Faces of Doctor Lao, who makes fun of the frailties of the human body. Between my eyes, my teeth, and my aches and pains, I'm feeling my age of late.

I just haven't felt myself lately. Partly it's my blood sugar, which has been higher since I changed from the Invokana to Byetta, and I haven't been eating particularly well the last couple of days, either. I'm going to try to be better on that. But even with just the medicine change, I'm suddenly up in the 300s in the morning, which is not good at all.

Tonight I went over to YKWIA's and watched 'The 100'. I hadn't seen it in a couple of weeks. It was a really good episode. I like the show quite well. It really keeps one's interest, going back and forth between the ark in space and the kids on earth who are the test subjects for whether mankind can survive in a post-nuclear world.

But now I'm home, and I think I'm going to just turn in. I'm still working on waking up early enough to do something around the house. If not, I usually stay home on Thursday nights, so I can work on it then. Friday's 'Grimm'. Saturday I've got a project already lined up, but I won't be taking A to the grocery, as he'll be out of town. Sunday may be the game, so tomorrow I should try to do the game notes. Anyway, have a good night.

I'm glad I went to Kroger when I did

because they closed at 9 pm for New Year's Eve. I actually did a real grocery run...$96! Plus, everything was healthy--veggies, fruit, whole grains, a little dairy (but not ice cream), fish, and eggs. I got some of the parchment paper for the steamer and some broccoli to steam with rice to go with the salmon.

I got up and went to Subway for a tuna sandwich and broccoli/cheese soup. Then I got the money order for my mother and mailed it along with my first book to be sent via PaperBackSwap.com. I also got my hair trimmed and got a calendar for the fridge and a daily planner for my ADD. Speaking of which, today was my first day on Strattera and I had no nausea, yay!

Then I went over to some friends' house, took one to work, another on an errand, and we watched lots of older TV programmes on YouTube. Then I went to the grocery and a pharmacy that sells alcohol so I'd have some burgundy wine tonight for a libation.

Wow, I accomplished a lot today. I'm glad I took off work. I just need to pick my friend up from work and then come back home in time for the midnight libation. I may start on the aquarium tonight and finish tomorrow morning. Or I could do notes; I should probably do the latter.

Tomorrow I'm going to watch Hellboy II with a friend. I'm off from the hospital on Friday (but have to work at the gas station). I'm enjoying having some time to just relax and take it easy. Today was busy but it wasn't stressful and I felt like I was accomplishing a lot.

I hope you all have a wonderful and safe New Year.

Plans coming up

Friday--Shelve all bound/unbound journals and books. Go through my mail, check in journals, and get them all shelved. Print out surveys. Make an appointment with my therapist for sometime around the one I have with my meds manager later in the month, since they're in the same office. Check with the electric company about changing a payment arrangement so that I can pay part on Wednesday, and the rest the next Thursday, when I'll have been paid at both jobs. Do errands with a friend if he needs to, read more Lumley, do notes.

Saturday--Work 10 am-6 pm, finish notes.

Sunday--Go over to gamemaster's house at 5 am. Prepare for game. Do notes if the computer's free, visit otherwise. Play game. Do more notes or regular notes if the computer wasn't free at home.

Monday--Bundle up some books at work to be donated hopefully to another department or to the public library that I can no longer use, mostly adult bestsellers--thrillers, mystery, some sci-fi and romance. Clean out the closet I have for storage so I can then put boxes of children's books for the early literacy project. My cubicle is over-run with them at present and I'm feeling claustrophobic. Work at the store.

Tuesday--No real plans for the library, although I need to evaluate the storage upstairs since we're having a big fall cleanout. I work that afternoon at the store, I think.

Wednesday--Payday at the store. Try to pay my electric bill if I wasn't able to change arrangments.

Welcome to my life. It's not all that exciting, I know, so thanks for reading anyway.

PS Maybe I should enlist my upstairs neighbour's help in cleaning. They're vacuuming. They vaccuum nearly every day--and that's what I hear when I'm home, which is rare. They vaccuum in the morning; they vaccuum in the afternoon. OCD? Why, if I'm going to have OCD, can't I have the clean like mad type rather than the hoard everything type?

Alright, time to get ready for work. It's going to storm. I hope we don't lose power at work--we've done that once before during the truck unload, and it was no fun.