I took a bit of a break from blogging

after losing my mom.  In fact, I took Wednesday to be mostly to myself and sort of process everything.  Once I went back to work on Thursday, I played catch-up over the next couple of days.  I was lucky, they found some way for someone else to do my data entry, in a totally different way than I do, so I had a large stack of papers waiting for me that were already finished. Yay!  But I was still very busy both Thursday and Friday.  The library is full of flowers, as the freesias are still blooming, and the orchid (the other is getting ready to).  I brought some lovely potted, fragrant tulips in from my mom's funeral, and someone donated flowers from another funeral to the hospital and one of sthe recreation therapists brought some lovely pink roses and carnations in a vase to me.

Friday my friends' cat, who has fought kidney disease for years, was doing poorly, with laboured breathing and obviously having trouble.  So the next morning we went to the vet and they had him put down.  He was a great kitty, eighteen years old, and he had a wonderful life with them.  I took one of my friends to work, and then I came on home.  The one who was closest to the cat wanted to be alone for awhile.  I understood.  That's how I felt with my mom.  So it's been a difficult week or so with loss.

Today I brought them a card for sympathy on the loss of a pet.  Brenda came over, and instead of playing the game, really, we just chatted and visited, and we all had a good time.  I think the companionship helped my friend.  One of the dogs kept looking for the missing kitty last night, checking where he used to sleep.  The other cat is definitely missing him, especially at mealtimes, and has been very demonstrative, more so than normal.  So the whole family is grieving, and we've all been very sad.  But my friend did an amazing job with the cat, who was given a year at most to live over three years ago, and his quality of life was very good up to the end.  I will confess that I cried a lot over him, probably on par with what I did with my mom or even a little more.  Animals are my soft spot.  It doesn't mean I loved my mom any less, but she'd had such a hard time, it was a blessing when she died.   And I think the grief for both just snowballed together, and where I didn't feel I could really cry for my mother, at least at the funeral, or break down, when I was by myself I no longer cared, and I grieved for both.

I think what strikes me the most, in both cases, is the absolute void left behind.  I keep thinking of sharing things with my mom, or about how she'd like this or that, and then I realise she's gone.  With the cat, it's little things, like feeding just one scoop of food rather than two during tonight's feeding, or watching Brenda rub the ears of the other cat and realising I would miss cleaning the kitty's ears.  I was the only one he would tolerate to do it, even years ago when he really disliked me (I once chased him with a broom trying to corral him for the vet, and he had a long memory, but the last few years he finally warmed up to me and was very loving).

Anyway, I'm home now.  A should call for a ride from work in about 35 minutes.  I'm not used to the time change yet.  I was actually up during it last night.  I'm still having some trouble sleeping in the middle of the night.  I'm listening to the Bastille station on Pandora (right now I'm listening to 'Holes' by Passenger).  I've spent the last day or two applying for jobs for a friend; I'm not going to do any more of that today.  But I got several in for him the last day or two.  And I have some to apply for myself, as well, especially needing to do cover letters.  I hate cover letters.  But I recognise their importance, and one day I will get a job due to a great and polished cover letter.  In the meantime, I keep practicing. :)

Okay, I think I'll sign off and get some things done before it's time to get A and then on to bed.  I have 19 days left before my last day at work; 15 workdays, actually.  It'll be a very busy week coming up.  Good night.

So

My mom is going into hospice, probably at the nursing home she's been in on and off between hospital visits. :( The doctor said that short of a liver transplant, which isn't going to happen due to her other health issues, she might have six months, tops, to live. I'm going to go visit this weekend. I've known this was coming, but it doesn't make it easier, and it must be far worse for her. But part of the whole point of hospice care is to prepare the patient and family for what's to come. So that's good. I know my stepfather (who is a very good husband) has done everything he could to try to avoid this. But it's a natural part of life. I've mostly accepted it, but at the same time, I have a lot of mixed emotions. We'll see how things go. I just hope they can keep her comfortable and allow her to make the most of life that remains.

Sigh. I guess because of the news last night about the prognosis, I had a hard time falling asleep. After an hour of tossing and turning, I finally broke out the sleeping pills my doctor prescribed, the trazodone. I took 1/2 a pill, since I didn't know how I'd react. I slept really well from 11 pm till about 4:30 am, and then I was just awake, not groggy, just awake. (I have the same reaction to the muscle relaxant tizanidine). No grogginess or anything, just suddenly up and going. I got up, took a relaxing bath with lavender oil, a candle, and some lavender incense, and then put my headphones on, turned on OneRepublic's Native album, and tackled the kitchen, doing not only the dishwasher dishes, but the plastic ones that had been languishing. I cleaned the whole kitchen, except for mopping, and took quite a bit of trash out. It looks great.

After that I went on into work and continued my productivity. I boxed up five boxes of books that are going to the new facility, separated three departements' worth of books and labelled them, helped someone order a book through our vendor, and talked our buyer through the website (and helped him with a personal request that was book-related). I forget that many people consider the ISBN a totally foreign concept. But it was nice to do a lot of library-related stuff today. I've already gotten some books to departments, and I'll try to get the rest out soon.

In the afternoon I did my charge entry and OR reconciliation. Then I left work a little late and went home for a bit before my appointment with my counselor. We had a good session. I showed him the before and after photos of the kitchen, and I had filled out a worksheet on trying not to acquire new things. I see him again in three weeks, and in the meantime I'm going to work on the books on the entertainment centre and the bookshelf behind the front door so that I can hopefully open up the entryway a bit.

Now I'm home, trying something I haven't done--cranberry bread. It uses the raisin bake setting, and you're supposed to add the fruit at the beep. But unlike the quick setting, where you get bread in 1 hour 55 minutes, this takes four hours. So the beep hasn't happened yet. I am listening to music softly, Passenger's All the Little Lights. I need to do some reading to round out my to-do list for the day.

In fact, I think I'll read the orchid book I have to see if I can learn something about them. I have one blooming and another has a stem that's halfway up. I do love them, and I'm so glad they're doing well. I finally watered the plants at the house. I also found the tulips budding the other day and put water in the vase for them to grow. :)

Okay, good night for now.

In some ways

I'm still the fat little kid on the playground doing anything to make the other children like me, only I'm doing it in a world of adults where they just care about getting things done and other grown-up issues. So I admitted after talking to YKWIA today. Even after all these years, I'm still pretty insecure, and although it normally doesn't happen, the fact is that sometimes I react to that perceived rejection just like I did when I was a kid. So that's something to work on.

I feel much better today. One of the people involved talked to me about it and it was clear that all of us shared some blame for things not running all that smoothly, and there was some miscommunication. I felt better afterwards. Ironically, the whole thing that was time-sensitive in the first place wound up being cancelled.

Anyway, I managed to catch up at work today, and then I took my friends to Coba Cocina, a restaurant here in Lexington, for their anniversary. I then went to a comic store and picked up a couple of the latest issue of Sandman: Overture (there were two covers). I ate at Subway and then went to Gabriel Brothers and found a couple of bras, a dress, a backpack purse, socks, and a blouse for very little, really. The bras, for example, were Lane Bryant's brand, but were only $4.99 (normally about $30 or so). I really needed something off-white, so it was nice to find some. I really like the dress, and it was $13. It's a pretty summery dress in cool tones of blue, green, and purple with an asymmetric hem and lavender lining. The blouse is lacy and flowery, white with pink flowers. So all in all, it went well. I probably had no business going there given how stressed I was over money yesterday, though.

I went to get them, took them on a very abbreviated grocery run for some essentials, and got them home. One had had some sangria. He's such a happy drunk. He grabbed some things from the car because they were shiny (a bracelet, a dangling crystal, and my purple phone charger), lost the house briefly, went inside, and apparently fell asleep immediately, only to give them to the other as a present later. (I got a phone call checking to make sure I got home and thanking me for my help in making the evening a nice one.) A has put them somewhere safe so dogs don't chew them up. I just shook my head. A is going to go watch the University of Kentucky-University of Louisville game (along with most people in our state, for that matter).

I've taken my medicine, propped myself up in bed, and I'm listening to Passenger's All the Little Lights. I've got the fan on, which feels very nice on my feet. The only thing that could make things better would be a cat curled up with me, but alas, there is none. I checked the other day and the little cat Nedra that spent so many months at the shelter is gone. I hope she found a good home. I don't really regret not getting her--I think I'm just not ready for pets beside fish right now. But I hope someone cares about her and takes care of her well.

Okay, I think I'm going to sign off for now. I'm so glad it's Friday. Hope you have a good weekend. Good night.