My boss came into my office, and among other things said there had been complaints about my plants, that my office was a jungle and that they were afraid it would draw bugs. I needed to get them out of there. 2/3 of them are toxic to cats, and we have a kitten who's about seven months old who hasn't learned not to eat them yet. I wound up packing everything up and with the help of three co-workers and a couple of carts from materials, took them out to the car and took the majority to a pharmacy I go to with a nice southern window that is run by people who love plants. At least I can see them sometimes. One plant I kept but then checked the toxicity lists and decided that I needed to take it that weekend as well was the peace lily that the hospital gave me on the occasion of my mother's funeral. So I was pretty heartbroken. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I was also told I didn't dress up enough, even though I've worn the same style of clothes for years and considering I had about 68 cents in my account at the time, certainly couldn't go out and get a new wardrobe. I was also told I would be losing my office, not because of anything I did, but because someone else needed it. I'm not as upset about that--it was the way it was told to me as an offhanded remark, that I couldn't have kept the plants anyway because I'd be in a cubicle away from the light, that was hurtful.
The plants were, of course, what bothered me the most. Some I'd had for years. The shamrocks brought a lot of joy to people in the library for years--they were constantly admiring them. They're deadly to cats. I've made peace with the loss of the plants now, as it's been 13 days. And I was able to get some plants home--I now have 12 orchids, three African violets, three Thanksgiving cacti, a red velvet Echeverria, some aloes, and a bamboo plant at home. I'm not sure I've got them where they can get enough light, so I'll be monitoring it.
On the same day I got the bad news, there was a concern that the kitten, who dearly likes orchid bark, had eaten some and gotten a blockage, but that turned out to not be the case. Still, I removed all the bark that I could from the house, and once I got paid I ordered some sphagnum moss, and I spend some time yesterday repotting 9 of the orchids with moss instead of bark, topping off another couple, and repotting the aloes. So we're bark-free.
As far as my greatest concern from that meeting, it was what to do about the clothes. Now I have wonderful co-workers and work-friends. I had no less than four people contribute clothes that were either bought by them, repurposed by them, or repurposed by friends of theirs. One brought a huge bag over to the house full of khakis and nice blouses. I went from having five sweaters and a couple of velvet pants for the winter to a whole wardrobe, and I appreciate all the help immensely. It reminds me that the majority of people I know are good, and while I was feeling a little bullied by my boss (I'm not convinced anyone complained, I'm thinking she just may not have liked what I had).
So I'm dressing up some now, there are no plants or shelves in my office (it feels empty, but I've rearranged my desk now that I have more space, so everything isn't as spread out). I should lose the office around the beginning of the year, and I've come to terms with that. They're going to do some alterations to the cubicles since we deal with confidential info.
It was a hard couple of weeks. But this week has been better than the one before. I got a lot done and one of my co-workers helped me get caught up on a lot of offsite requests. I was useless for a couple of days after the talk with the boss and got behind. But I'm back in the black now, so to speak. Next week I'll have to really work on the surgery pre-authorizations as I'm only three weeks out and a lot have been added on. I try to be four weeks out, although I'm required to be out two. And nothing in our talk was about my performance or anything. It was all about my personal choices. I did what I could to comply quickly. And it turns out my boss is leaving next month, so I'm just going to try to keep a low profile till that happens.
One of my co-workers hit the nail on the head as to why the plant removal devastated me. Surrounding myself with nature is my way of beating stress, and I deal with insurance companies and scheduling with outside bureaucracies. I took all the little knick-knacks that were on the shelves (and the shelves) away, as well as the stones I'd had. There's a clock and a few motivational sayings on small plaques, as well as the wall art that shows any real personality to my office. The wall art will eventually have to go away when I move. But for now, it cheers me.
Showing posts with label Sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sad. Show all posts
Sunday, November 24, 2019
Sunday, March 12, 2017
I took a bit of a break from blogging
after losing my mom. In fact, I took Wednesday to be mostly to myself and sort of process everything. Once I went back to work on Thursday, I played catch-up over the next couple of days. I was lucky, they found some way for someone else to do my data entry, in a totally different way than I do, so I had a large stack of papers waiting for me that were already finished. Yay! But I was still very busy both Thursday and Friday. The library is full of flowers, as the freesias are still blooming, and the orchid (the other is getting ready to). I brought some lovely potted, fragrant tulips in from my mom's funeral, and someone donated flowers from another funeral to the hospital and one of sthe recreation therapists brought some lovely pink roses and carnations in a vase to me.
Friday my friends' cat, who has fought kidney disease for years, was doing poorly, with laboured breathing and obviously having trouble. So the next morning we went to the vet and they had him put down. He was a great kitty, eighteen years old, and he had a wonderful life with them. I took one of my friends to work, and then I came on home. The one who was closest to the cat wanted to be alone for awhile. I understood. That's how I felt with my mom. So it's been a difficult week or so with loss.
Today I brought them a card for sympathy on the loss of a pet. Brenda came over, and instead of playing the game, really, we just chatted and visited, and we all had a good time. I think the companionship helped my friend. One of the dogs kept looking for the missing kitty last night, checking where he used to sleep. The other cat is definitely missing him, especially at mealtimes, and has been very demonstrative, more so than normal. So the whole family is grieving, and we've all been very sad. But my friend did an amazing job with the cat, who was given a year at most to live over three years ago, and his quality of life was very good up to the end. I will confess that I cried a lot over him, probably on par with what I did with my mom or even a little more. Animals are my soft spot. It doesn't mean I loved my mom any less, but she'd had such a hard time, it was a blessing when she died. And I think the grief for both just snowballed together, and where I didn't feel I could really cry for my mother, at least at the funeral, or break down, when I was by myself I no longer cared, and I grieved for both.
I think what strikes me the most, in both cases, is the absolute void left behind. I keep thinking of sharing things with my mom, or about how she'd like this or that, and then I realise she's gone. With the cat, it's little things, like feeding just one scoop of food rather than two during tonight's feeding, or watching Brenda rub the ears of the other cat and realising I would miss cleaning the kitty's ears. I was the only one he would tolerate to do it, even years ago when he really disliked me (I once chased him with a broom trying to corral him for the vet, and he had a long memory, but the last few years he finally warmed up to me and was very loving).
Anyway, I'm home now. A should call for a ride from work in about 35 minutes. I'm not used to the time change yet. I was actually up during it last night. I'm still having some trouble sleeping in the middle of the night. I'm listening to the Bastille station on Pandora (right now I'm listening to 'Holes' by Passenger). I've spent the last day or two applying for jobs for a friend; I'm not going to do any more of that today. But I got several in for him the last day or two. And I have some to apply for myself, as well, especially needing to do cover letters. I hate cover letters. But I recognise their importance, and one day I will get a job due to a great and polished cover letter. In the meantime, I keep practicing. :)
Okay, I think I'll sign off and get some things done before it's time to get A and then on to bed. I have 19 days left before my last day at work; 15 workdays, actually. It'll be a very busy week coming up. Good night.
Friday my friends' cat, who has fought kidney disease for years, was doing poorly, with laboured breathing and obviously having trouble. So the next morning we went to the vet and they had him put down. He was a great kitty, eighteen years old, and he had a wonderful life with them. I took one of my friends to work, and then I came on home. The one who was closest to the cat wanted to be alone for awhile. I understood. That's how I felt with my mom. So it's been a difficult week or so with loss.
Today I brought them a card for sympathy on the loss of a pet. Brenda came over, and instead of playing the game, really, we just chatted and visited, and we all had a good time. I think the companionship helped my friend. One of the dogs kept looking for the missing kitty last night, checking where he used to sleep. The other cat is definitely missing him, especially at mealtimes, and has been very demonstrative, more so than normal. So the whole family is grieving, and we've all been very sad. But my friend did an amazing job with the cat, who was given a year at most to live over three years ago, and his quality of life was very good up to the end. I will confess that I cried a lot over him, probably on par with what I did with my mom or even a little more. Animals are my soft spot. It doesn't mean I loved my mom any less, but she'd had such a hard time, it was a blessing when she died. And I think the grief for both just snowballed together, and where I didn't feel I could really cry for my mother, at least at the funeral, or break down, when I was by myself I no longer cared, and I grieved for both.
I think what strikes me the most, in both cases, is the absolute void left behind. I keep thinking of sharing things with my mom, or about how she'd like this or that, and then I realise she's gone. With the cat, it's little things, like feeding just one scoop of food rather than two during tonight's feeding, or watching Brenda rub the ears of the other cat and realising I would miss cleaning the kitty's ears. I was the only one he would tolerate to do it, even years ago when he really disliked me (I once chased him with a broom trying to corral him for the vet, and he had a long memory, but the last few years he finally warmed up to me and was very loving).
Anyway, I'm home now. A should call for a ride from work in about 35 minutes. I'm not used to the time change yet. I was actually up during it last night. I'm still having some trouble sleeping in the middle of the night. I'm listening to the Bastille station on Pandora (right now I'm listening to 'Holes' by Passenger). I've spent the last day or two applying for jobs for a friend; I'm not going to do any more of that today. But I got several in for him the last day or two. And I have some to apply for myself, as well, especially needing to do cover letters. I hate cover letters. But I recognise their importance, and one day I will get a job due to a great and polished cover letter. In the meantime, I keep practicing. :)
Okay, I think I'll sign off and get some things done before it's time to get A and then on to bed. I have 19 days left before my last day at work; 15 workdays, actually. It'll be a very busy week coming up. Good night.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Moral of the story, I suppose
Is not to shift twelve shelving units (72 shelves) of heavy medical books and bound journals (some of which are six inches wide!) by yourself, especially if you are in you 40s and have some neck/shoulder/back issues anyway (as many people in their 40s do). The problem being, of course, that I am the only library staff--I don't have a tech or volunteer to work with. Volunteers have really been needed in other parts of the hospital of late, and no one, I'm sure, wants to move a lot of books. If I were actually moving the library I'd box up books with the help of volunteers, and then probably materials management, environmental services, or plant operations would make sure they made it to the loading dock and then on their own home.
But we're not moving, Blanche.
Instead, I'm looking at the daunting task of shuttering a library. The only good thing about going through this is I might be able to write about it, get an article published. But it doesn't make it less heartbreaking to know that the library I cared for for nearly 20 years will be (at best) parceled out to departments and other hospitals and libraries. It's not a big library at all, about 15 by 30 feet, and some of that is occupied by cubicles that were put in a few years ago for another department. But it's home. Let me show it to you, at least in part:
I won't show the rest, but I took a set of pictures all around the room to remember it by. I will so miss this place!
Okay, the muscle relaxer is kicking in (very tiny doses, but still), I feel a little better, but sleepy, too. Good night!
But we're not moving, Blanche.
Instead, I'm looking at the daunting task of shuttering a library. The only good thing about going through this is I might be able to write about it, get an article published. But it doesn't make it less heartbreaking to know that the library I cared for for nearly 20 years will be (at best) parceled out to departments and other hospitals and libraries. It's not a big library at all, about 15 by 30 feet, and some of that is occupied by cubicles that were put in a few years ago for another department. But it's home. Let me show it to you, at least in part:
 |
| Book collection (with unbound journals in foreground) |
 |
| Bound journals (and some things I'm working on) |
Okay, the muscle relaxer is kicking in (very tiny doses, but still), I feel a little better, but sleepy, too. Good night!
Thursday, July 21, 2016
I take a certain amount of pride
in gleaning news from all sorts of sources, whether barely more than headlines or in-depth exposé, and from different viewpoints, too, as that's really important. I like to know what's going on in the world, and sometimes I share it here, and sometimes I don't.
But as I read and listen lately, I feel a great sadness (and quite a bit of fear, too) washing over me. I used to believe that the world was pretty much as it used to be, only now there is a more immediate media presence these days so we know more of the horrors going on. It's not that there weren't dictators, child molesters, axe murderers, or any of that like years ago, it's that we get word about it 24/7 with things like live feeds on Facebook or Snapchat videos. And that is true to some extent. But the Nazi persecution of the Jews, for example, probably would have still happened even with social media and 24-hour news, because let's face it, there are plenty of haters and trolls online. Maybe exposure would have shocked the world into doing something, but in my experience, the world just goes on like it always does, and people die. Horrible things have happened throughout history; technology just makes it easier to chronicle (and sometimes, aids in the commission of heinous acts as well). If only we could put it to a better purpose, to prevent tragedies. And yes, some folks are trying. But it's the negative things in life, the shocking, the horrible, that gets attention, and I'm as guilty about that as anyone. Lately, though, it seems like the news each day is more horrible than the last. Oh, here and there you may find feel-good stories to satisfy a need to believe in the good of humanity, but most of it is negative. And while I do believe that the vast majority of humans are good people, I don't have faith in my fellow humans' ability to think critically or do something for the sake of right, as opposed to because there is something in it for them. People say they want truth--but they go out of their way to tell supposed 'white' lies to keep the wheels of society spinning, and sometimes they actually convince themselves that something is the opposite of how it is (or follow a leader who does, as if they were sheep). I listen to otherwise decent people who are making decisions that will affect it all as if they were voting for the most popular contestant on one of those reality shows. It makes me so sad to think that there are people who fear the authorities, either for good reasons (they might be shot) or ludicrous ones (t'he government's going to take all our guns away and make us vaccinate our children'). Even the lines between the sound and ridiculous reasons are blurring. I find myself reading the news with a desperation to find something good in the world each day. I'm not as optimistic as I once was. And talking to others only makes me feel worse. I don't have all the answers. I know that. But many people I know either regurgitate what they've seen on TV or decide they'll vote for candidate X without looking at platforms or real qualifications. It all comes down to 'I don't like Y, so I guess I have to vote for X'. I feel like our democracy is failing. It was never perfect, of course, but now?
Anyway, I could comment on half a dozen news stories tonight, ones that worried me, or outraged me, or left me incredulous, but instead I thought I'd just write about my feelings about what's going on in the world in general. Now, can I take a flashlight, get into my blanket fort, and colour like a kid? Because if being adult means being in a big scary world of hatred and vitriol, I'm not sure what the benefit of being all grown up is. Good night.
PS Brief synopsis of my day: busy at work, paid lots of bills (but not all, unfortunately), went to the allergist and discovered they have sublingual immunotherapy (yes, it's a thing), got my shots, went on the biggest grocery run I've gone on in months, had dinner with a friend, eating what we made yesterday--tabbouleh, eggplant paté, and salmon chowder. It was great. Then I helped wash up and came on home, checking the news and Facebook and just really not feeling great about the world right now. Perhaps tomorrow will be brighter, or at least I'll tell myself that. Things were simpler when I was in Lisa Land with the unicorns and dragonets.
But as I read and listen lately, I feel a great sadness (and quite a bit of fear, too) washing over me. I used to believe that the world was pretty much as it used to be, only now there is a more immediate media presence these days so we know more of the horrors going on. It's not that there weren't dictators, child molesters, axe murderers, or any of that like years ago, it's that we get word about it 24/7 with things like live feeds on Facebook or Snapchat videos. And that is true to some extent. But the Nazi persecution of the Jews, for example, probably would have still happened even with social media and 24-hour news, because let's face it, there are plenty of haters and trolls online. Maybe exposure would have shocked the world into doing something, but in my experience, the world just goes on like it always does, and people die. Horrible things have happened throughout history; technology just makes it easier to chronicle (and sometimes, aids in the commission of heinous acts as well). If only we could put it to a better purpose, to prevent tragedies. And yes, some folks are trying. But it's the negative things in life, the shocking, the horrible, that gets attention, and I'm as guilty about that as anyone. Lately, though, it seems like the news each day is more horrible than the last. Oh, here and there you may find feel-good stories to satisfy a need to believe in the good of humanity, but most of it is negative. And while I do believe that the vast majority of humans are good people, I don't have faith in my fellow humans' ability to think critically or do something for the sake of right, as opposed to because there is something in it for them. People say they want truth--but they go out of their way to tell supposed 'white' lies to keep the wheels of society spinning, and sometimes they actually convince themselves that something is the opposite of how it is (or follow a leader who does, as if they were sheep). I listen to otherwise decent people who are making decisions that will affect it all as if they were voting for the most popular contestant on one of those reality shows. It makes me so sad to think that there are people who fear the authorities, either for good reasons (they might be shot) or ludicrous ones (t'he government's going to take all our guns away and make us vaccinate our children'). Even the lines between the sound and ridiculous reasons are blurring. I find myself reading the news with a desperation to find something good in the world each day. I'm not as optimistic as I once was. And talking to others only makes me feel worse. I don't have all the answers. I know that. But many people I know either regurgitate what they've seen on TV or decide they'll vote for candidate X without looking at platforms or real qualifications. It all comes down to 'I don't like Y, so I guess I have to vote for X'. I feel like our democracy is failing. It was never perfect, of course, but now?
Anyway, I could comment on half a dozen news stories tonight, ones that worried me, or outraged me, or left me incredulous, but instead I thought I'd just write about my feelings about what's going on in the world in general. Now, can I take a flashlight, get into my blanket fort, and colour like a kid? Because if being adult means being in a big scary world of hatred and vitriol, I'm not sure what the benefit of being all grown up is. Good night.
PS Brief synopsis of my day: busy at work, paid lots of bills (but not all, unfortunately), went to the allergist and discovered they have sublingual immunotherapy (yes, it's a thing), got my shots, went on the biggest grocery run I've gone on in months, had dinner with a friend, eating what we made yesterday--tabbouleh, eggplant paté, and salmon chowder. It was great. Then I helped wash up and came on home, checking the news and Facebook and just really not feeling great about the world right now. Perhaps tomorrow will be brighter, or at least I'll tell myself that. Things were simpler when I was in Lisa Land with the unicorns and dragonets.
Monday, April 04, 2016
Sad tonight
I won't go into why, but let's just say I hate seeing someone I love hurting and dealing with uncertainty. I just hope that this is all nothing, and that in the end, truth will prevail. But for now, I can just be there and be supportive. I just wish I could 'fix' this, and I can't. :(
Wednesday, May 06, 2015
For me, the chicken story is the most haunting I've ever seen on a sitcom
and then there's this...
Guess I'm oddly sad, tonight. No real reason.
Thursday, February 05, 2015
:(
Well, I did some checking at the normal rates offered online through the hotel (although there may be a special rate the school can get), and it would be about $190 for the hotel, $30 or so for the museum. Putting in some spending money and transportation costs, and I just don't see how I come up with it at this point. Which is a shame, because I think this is the last year of my appointment. The one time I did have an extra day set up, I got hit by a car and had to cancel the trip entirely due to a broken ankle. Last year I could have used a credit card, but I was only approved for it right before the trip, so the plans and itinerary were already in place. I am beginning to think this is not meant to be.
I've already spent much of my federal refund on bills. I guess that's a better way to be fiscally responsible, anyway. My big splurge was ordering Jin Jin yesterday for lunch, and then eating the other half for dinner. Oh, well.
I've already spent much of my federal refund on bills. I guess that's a better way to be fiscally responsible, anyway. My big splurge was ordering Jin Jin yesterday for lunch, and then eating the other half for dinner. Oh, well.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Just a quick note before bed
I need to get up early tomorrow morning and go into work to make up some time for leaving a little early for my dental appointment today. I also need to drop something off at a friend's before work, so that means I need to get up even earlier than I'd originally planned. Of course, I tried to get up at 6 am and wound up getting up at 7:55 this morning. I've just been dragging out of bed the last few days, both work and weekend days, so I don't think it's just oh, I have so much to do and so little time and work has been somewhat more stressful than normal. And I'm getting a decent amount of sleep. I really think I need to recharge my batteries, have a bit of a real vacation, but I have very little personal time off (I tend to use that for things like today's appointment, rather than fun stuff, and when I was off with my ankle they used two weeks' worth of time that should have been extended illness, and I never got it corrected, so that was my fault, and it's been too long now). Even if I could have a week, I think I'd feel better. The next day off is July 4th, but I don't see taking any extra days with that long weekend.
Today they adjusted my upper partials (apparently it wasn't user error, but rather it was hanging up on a canine), and then a tooth came off of the lower partial, so I sat around for an hour at the dentist while they repaired that. But these are my temporary partials--I get impressions made at the beginning of August for the permanent ones. Unfortunately due to my appointment taking longer than I expected, I wasn't able to give A a ride home from his appointment, but I did feed him dinner when he got home. :) I visited over there for awhile and did some things to help out with something, and then I came on home. My knee is hurting (7 days till I hopefully find out why) and my ankles are swollen. I'm going to have to ditch my sandals despite the heat; the New Balance walking shoes do so much better for my ankles, as they have much more support and orthotics in them to boot. I'll save sandals for skirts and capris, and just keep to the others for my normal pants.
Okay, I've downloaded my readings from my glucose monitor and cleared the readings on the machine. I've charged it while I've typed, which should bring it back to full by now. I think I'll take my nightly meds and head on to bed, get this knee elevated, etc. I hope you had a good start to your week. Last night's news stories left me sort of down. I also found someone on Facebook with whom I've been estranged for years, my father, and that saddened me, too--not enough to contact him, as I think I gave as much into that relationship as I could have, and it's good to have an idea of where he is, because, well, I like to know where the people I've put into my past are, but it saddens me, too, because as a child I desperately wanted to be loved by him, and even after my parents divorced tried to keep things going, only to have him end things over petty greed and lies. I know now that I will never have the nurturing I wanted or deserved, and I tend to forge ahead as if I never really had a father, but of course, I did, and not the one I wanted in my head, but the one I actually had. But I do know as we both get older (he's a senior citizen now), I think of the whole situation with some amount of regret. I wonder if he does the same of me. I'll probably never know.
Today they adjusted my upper partials (apparently it wasn't user error, but rather it was hanging up on a canine), and then a tooth came off of the lower partial, so I sat around for an hour at the dentist while they repaired that. But these are my temporary partials--I get impressions made at the beginning of August for the permanent ones. Unfortunately due to my appointment taking longer than I expected, I wasn't able to give A a ride home from his appointment, but I did feed him dinner when he got home. :) I visited over there for awhile and did some things to help out with something, and then I came on home. My knee is hurting (7 days till I hopefully find out why) and my ankles are swollen. I'm going to have to ditch my sandals despite the heat; the New Balance walking shoes do so much better for my ankles, as they have much more support and orthotics in them to boot. I'll save sandals for skirts and capris, and just keep to the others for my normal pants.
Okay, I've downloaded my readings from my glucose monitor and cleared the readings on the machine. I've charged it while I've typed, which should bring it back to full by now. I think I'll take my nightly meds and head on to bed, get this knee elevated, etc. I hope you had a good start to your week. Last night's news stories left me sort of down. I also found someone on Facebook with whom I've been estranged for years, my father, and that saddened me, too--not enough to contact him, as I think I gave as much into that relationship as I could have, and it's good to have an idea of where he is, because, well, I like to know where the people I've put into my past are, but it saddens me, too, because as a child I desperately wanted to be loved by him, and even after my parents divorced tried to keep things going, only to have him end things over petty greed and lies. I know now that I will never have the nurturing I wanted or deserved, and I tend to forge ahead as if I never really had a father, but of course, I did, and not the one I wanted in my head, but the one I actually had. But I do know as we both get older (he's a senior citizen now), I think of the whole situation with some amount of regret. I wonder if he does the same of me. I'll probably never know.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Terribly sad and disturbing
Abandoned: Mark Twain Branch, Detroit Public Library
Detroiturbex.com: MARK TWAIN BRANCH LIBRARY
Detroiturbex.com: MARK TWAIN BRANCH LIBRARY
INFORMATIONThanks to Åke Nygren of the group on Facebook called Library related people for the first link, and Kelly Hall of the same group for the second one. I pray this is not the future of libraries.
The Mark Twain Branch of the Detroit Public Libraries closed in 1996 for renovations and never reopened. What originally started as minor roof repair project grew into a total rehabilitation that went unfinished. Various efforts to revive the building never got past the drawing board, with the main concern being the "discovery" of asbestos. Some of the books left behind when the library closed were taken out and made available at the Mark Twain Annex, which is now facing permanent closure in 2011.
A final community meeting in July of 2011 sealed the fate of the Twain library. Over the objections of community leaders and residents, the DPL board confirmed that despite passing a tax levy that explicitly included funds to renovate the Twain library, it intended to demolish the building instead. Asbestos abatement started in September with demolition completed by October.
Friday, November 09, 2012
Nothing like
dropping your phone under the chair and trying to retrieve it without running over it with the wheels. That was fun. Thank goodness for the soft gel cover; it made it easier.
I have determined that I am too apt to cry to read any more news stories on the Internet for awhile. Plus, I just listened to Linkin Park's Living Things, which is mostly about betrayal, and it's put me in a reminiscing mood of past relationships. So, I'm going to go try to do something with my hair instead, maybe listen to some happy Loreena McKennitt music, and generally go spend some time away from the computer for a couple of hours. I'll write later.
PS My boss told me today about our holiday dinner at work on the 30th, in case I wanted to go. I really do. It's a Friday. I'll still be off my foot but close to walking again. We'll see. It would be great to see everybody.
I have determined that I am too apt to cry to read any more news stories on the Internet for awhile. Plus, I just listened to Linkin Park's Living Things, which is mostly about betrayal, and it's put me in a reminiscing mood of past relationships. So, I'm going to go try to do something with my hair instead, maybe listen to some happy Loreena McKennitt music, and generally go spend some time away from the computer for a couple of hours. I'll write later.
PS My boss told me today about our holiday dinner at work on the 30th, in case I wanted to go. I really do. It's a Friday. I'll still be off my foot but close to walking again. We'll see. It would be great to see everybody.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I just got a phone call
with some rather sad news. I think I'm going to go curl up in a ball somewhere for awhile. It's not the end of the world. It's not my grandmother. But I'm going to go cry now. I'll write later.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
This child has more spirit than most people have their entire lifetimes
Child Shot Protecting Mom Hailed a Hero
Okay, it should be 'heroine', but the sentiment is true. A former boyfriend of her mother's forced his way into the back seat of the car where she was sitting. When he went to fire at her mother, who was in the front passenger seat, Alexis Goggins, who is only 7 years old and has epilepsy and a learning disability after suffering a stroke at age one, threw herself in front of the bullets, screaming for him not to hurt her mommy.
Her mother was shot twice including once in the chest that nearly hit an artery, but survived and has been released. Two weeks later, though, Alexis is still in the hospital. Six slugs hit her, including one in her right eye that will leave her blind on that side. Others hit her face and jaw. She's had three surgeries so far according to an article a friend saw (YKWIA pointed this out to me.)
Fortunately, the driver of the car had convinced the gunman she needed gas and had gotten a gas station attendant to call 911 at the time of the shooting. Police arrived almost immediately, and the man was arrested at the scene. He was already an ex-con on parole. Let's hope this time he's in for a very, very long time.
My best wishes to Alexis and her family. They might want to check out the Shriners Hospital in Minneapolis-St Paul (they are in Michigan). It sounds like she could benefit from care there. She certainly sounds like a fighter who hasn't had it very easy in life. But one thing's for certain, she gets the real meaning of love, something this man and others like him will never understand.
Okay, it should be 'heroine', but the sentiment is true. A former boyfriend of her mother's forced his way into the back seat of the car where she was sitting. When he went to fire at her mother, who was in the front passenger seat, Alexis Goggins, who is only 7 years old and has epilepsy and a learning disability after suffering a stroke at age one, threw herself in front of the bullets, screaming for him not to hurt her mommy.
Her mother was shot twice including once in the chest that nearly hit an artery, but survived and has been released. Two weeks later, though, Alexis is still in the hospital. Six slugs hit her, including one in her right eye that will leave her blind on that side. Others hit her face and jaw. She's had three surgeries so far according to an article a friend saw (YKWIA pointed this out to me.)
Fortunately, the driver of the car had convinced the gunman she needed gas and had gotten a gas station attendant to call 911 at the time of the shooting. Police arrived almost immediately, and the man was arrested at the scene. He was already an ex-con on parole. Let's hope this time he's in for a very, very long time.
My best wishes to Alexis and her family. They might want to check out the Shriners Hospital in Minneapolis-St Paul (they are in Michigan). It sounds like she could benefit from care there. She certainly sounds like a fighter who hasn't had it very easy in life. But one thing's for certain, she gets the real meaning of love, something this man and others like him will never understand.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I'm making my way
through the Kübler-Ross model for grief. This morning's refusal to get out of bed and feeling emptiness were married with this idea that she wasn't really gone. I refused to look at the things emphaised the loss--her water dish, her food, her leash. Tonight I'm feeling anger. Terrible rage, even though I don't really have a good focus for that rage. The Goddess? She gave me 16 wonderful years with Cerys. Fate? For a dog, 16 is a ripe old age, better than can be expected for many breeds. Myself? The only real regret I have is that I would have liked her ashes back, but couldn't afford the $120 to that like I did with Spock (as a cat, his was much cheaper). But otherwise despite all the tribulations in my life I gave her a good home. So no, I shouldn't be angry with myself, either. I haven't gone into bargaining--at this point there's nothing to bargain for. I have felt terribly depressed all day-sleeping most of it, although a friend enticed me out long enough to watch a series we liked from fifteen years ago, which I enjoyed immensely.
So that leaves acceptance. I'm not there yet, but it will come, I know. Tomorrow it's back to work and I'll have other things to occupy my mind. But it will be awhile before everything feels 'good' again.
I still haven't taken care of her things. That is for tomorrow, I think. I just can't bear to do it today. Every now and then I get a whiff of her scent, too, and of course for now the bedsheets have it. It's a comforting scent, one that will eventually fade and become one more loss.
But I'm hanging in there, at least. Thanks for reading this. Good night.
So that leaves acceptance. I'm not there yet, but it will come, I know. Tomorrow it's back to work and I'll have other things to occupy my mind. But it will be awhile before everything feels 'good' again.
I still haven't taken care of her things. That is for tomorrow, I think. I just can't bear to do it today. Every now and then I get a whiff of her scent, too, and of course for now the bedsheets have it. It's a comforting scent, one that will eventually fade and become one more loss.
But I'm hanging in there, at least. Thanks for reading this. Good night.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I'm home today
taking some time in light of Cerys' death. I haven't had any real crying fits since we put her to sleep, just tearing up a lot and a feeling of emptiness. I'm glad I took some time. I just woke up a little while ago, after sleeping about 12 hours. I was so tired last night--I just wanted to crawl into a ball and sleep. I guess it was all the emotions her death brought.
Today I need to wash her water bowl and leash (and put the latter and her collar away, I'm keeping them as mementos), pick up the food she wouldn't eat (she had gotten to the point where she'd just overturn a bowl of food, so I fed her on the floor), and give the bathroom a final cleaning where she had so much trouble the other night. My mop head fell apart the other night and I had to finish with paper towels. Now I have a new mophead. I feel like I'm eradicating her presence from the house, but it needs to be done.
I know it will get better with time, but for now I feel a little lost. It's pretty outside and I feel like taking a walk, but my foot prevents that. I might sit outside for awhile. I don't know. I feel like I have all this energy and should be doing something, but on the other hand I just want to sit in bed and pull the covers over my head.
I would like to put in a word for Gainesway Small Animal Clinic and Dr Clark Vice. They were wonderful to me, first with Darius' death, then with Cerys' appointments and eventual death. They kept her very comfortable as opposed to my last vet, who took advantage of my grief to run up a huge bill with one cat and charged me for another's euthanasia even though I had been a client for years. I would highly recommend them. And if I ever have another pet, I'll go back to them.
Today I need to wash her water bowl and leash (and put the latter and her collar away, I'm keeping them as mementos), pick up the food she wouldn't eat (she had gotten to the point where she'd just overturn a bowl of food, so I fed her on the floor), and give the bathroom a final cleaning where she had so much trouble the other night. My mop head fell apart the other night and I had to finish with paper towels. Now I have a new mophead. I feel like I'm eradicating her presence from the house, but it needs to be done.
I know it will get better with time, but for now I feel a little lost. It's pretty outside and I feel like taking a walk, but my foot prevents that. I might sit outside for awhile. I don't know. I feel like I have all this energy and should be doing something, but on the other hand I just want to sit in bed and pull the covers over my head.
I would like to put in a word for Gainesway Small Animal Clinic and Dr Clark Vice. They were wonderful to me, first with Darius' death, then with Cerys' appointments and eventual death. They kept her very comfortable as opposed to my last vet, who took advantage of my grief to run up a huge bill with one cat and charged me for another's euthanasia even though I had been a client for years. I would highly recommend them. And if I ever have another pet, I'll go back to them.
Monday, September 24, 2007
The house is kind of lonely tonight and I'm sad, but
relieved as well. Cerys was put to sleep a little after 5 this afternoon. She had to be carried to the car and into the vet's because she couldn't stand on her own. She would never let me carry her before she went downhill. The friend who went with me was shocked by how fragile she had become, I think, and of course she didn't really seem conscious of either of us, although I think on some level she recognised she was loved and was being petted.
They gave us some time to comfort and love on her and then Dr Vice came in and we discussed how she'd been the last couple of days. He confirmed our suspicion that she may have had a stroke. He said I was absolutely doing the right thing; in dogs of her age, even if they can get some improvement they usually see the same thing happen a week or month later. He gave her the injection. She went very quickly, making little 'grr'ing noises. Cerys always had such cute noises. Dr Vice left us alone for a little while. It was disconcerting that after she was gone, as the muscles relax, she seemed to gasp several times, but I knew it was just a reflex the body goes through after death. Her bladder relaxed as well. We left her there. I think that was the hardest thing; but she was only a shell--the dog I loved was gone.
I can only hope that somewhere her spirit, loosed from her elderly body, is frolicking with her 'big sister' and at peace.
We went out to eat and talked, and I came home for a little while and that wasn't so bad. Then I went to watch the Heroes premiere--I needed some distraction. But now I'm home again, sitting in an empty house, and it seems so strange to not have her here. I think she's her in spirit, though, because I don't truly feel alone.
I just want to say you were my first dog of my own, my 'beloved one'. You were a reliable companion who was there for me when most people weren't. For all the years of joy you gave me, my Care Bear, I will always love you. Rest in peace.
Here are two pictures I've used of Cerys on this blog before. I'll see if I can find a better one, with her face showing better, of when she was young and scan it in.
First, with Darius:
Then in snow:
PS Today's radioplay was 'Double Zero'.
They gave us some time to comfort and love on her and then Dr Vice came in and we discussed how she'd been the last couple of days. He confirmed our suspicion that she may have had a stroke. He said I was absolutely doing the right thing; in dogs of her age, even if they can get some improvement they usually see the same thing happen a week or month later. He gave her the injection. She went very quickly, making little 'grr'ing noises. Cerys always had such cute noises. Dr Vice left us alone for a little while. It was disconcerting that after she was gone, as the muscles relax, she seemed to gasp several times, but I knew it was just a reflex the body goes through after death. Her bladder relaxed as well. We left her there. I think that was the hardest thing; but she was only a shell--the dog I loved was gone.
I can only hope that somewhere her spirit, loosed from her elderly body, is frolicking with her 'big sister' and at peace.
We went out to eat and talked, and I came home for a little while and that wasn't so bad. Then I went to watch the Heroes premiere--I needed some distraction. But now I'm home again, sitting in an empty house, and it seems so strange to not have her here. I think she's her in spirit, though, because I don't truly feel alone.
I just want to say you were my first dog of my own, my 'beloved one'. You were a reliable companion who was there for me when most people weren't. For all the years of joy you gave me, my Care Bear, I will always love you. Rest in peace.
Here are two pictures I've used of Cerys on this blog before. I'll see if I can find a better one, with her face showing better, of when she was young and scan it in.
First, with Darius:
Then in snow:
PS Today's radioplay was 'Double Zero'.
I have the appointment
It's for 5 pm today. There's no charge for euthanasia of clients. She'll be surrounded by her family and I got Dr Vice, who's been so good with her. But, man, this is going to be so hard to let her go. But it's best for her, I know.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Cerys isn't faring any better
I took her to the game today so I could keep an eye on her. She paced for two solid hours before finally laying down and she just looked so squashed. I let her stay outside for much of the day to get some fresh air and plenty of space. The other dogs didn't know what to make of her. One considers Cerys her 'special little friend' because they're both basically the same size. But even she was slow to approach her today. I think they sensed death is close. Once they did go near her, they were very gentle with her and didn't try to play or bowl her over. It took a long time to get her back to the car, and of course I had to lift her in and out. I have to lift her so she stands up, too, once she is down. She hasn't eaten since Friday, and she's only defecated once, and that showed she was pretty constipated. I think things are shutting down. I'm going to check with the vet tomorrow and see how much it is to have her put down. I hope to get an appointment tomorrow afternoon, after our store meeting. And then I'll probably be good for nothing for awhile. She's been such a good companion for sixteen years. It's hard to imagine life without her. The house will be so empty, especially as she is the last of my pets.
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