Hmmm....

I was looking at a list of autistic traits, and I'd never thought of doodling as autistic 'stimming'. I did this all through school. I didn't need to really do notes back then, or at least didn't think I did, and did well enough on exams; this belief was underscored. Given that later I took notes for our Cthulhu game, initially for myself (I didn't know it would be for posterity and for the group, and that I'd be doing it 34 years later), my notes from then would suck. Those early notes are full of doodles, but little content, and of course I remember little of the stories, and I've gone back and looked at the modules, but our game master does so much improvision and modification there was no way to get the notes right, and most of the people who played are gone on to other things and are unavailable. I have tried to reconstruct them, trust me. But when I was younger and unmedicated, and therefore my memory was less impaired, I did actually remember more of my classes, and there was structure, and I comprehended most of what I heard, plus I was pretty much bored because I'd read the assignment and many of the lectures were just out of the book, so in my boredom I drew doodles in the margins and took few actual notes. It worked for me at the time. I got A's and occasional B's in secondary school and early college. Things started to unravel once I started to have a social life, and I lost the structure that I'd had in high school in school in college. I still did okay, but let's just say I only made the dean's list my freshman year. I needed to start taking notes, but if anything, I just doodled more, because it was a way to soothe my anxiety.

Also, two of the things they list that are missed in girls a lot are twirling hair and biting nails. Also me. My mom had to get this bitter stuff to put on my nails. I'm surprised my hair didn't break off, too.

PS For the last 15 years, for the game I've used a digital voice recorder that plugs into a USB-B slot into a computer and transfers a file so I can then listen and write up what happened; not so much a verbatim transcript but the gist in story form. My phone will do an AI transcript, but that actually takes longer to turn into story form than listening, believe it or not, because there have been a couple of times I've run out of batteries and I've had to use it as backup.

Update

Hey, guys, I just wanted to provide an update since I've managed to give almost no one any information about my surgery or its outcome, and I'm very sorry about that. First of all let me explain why you haven't heard anything.

Back in May, I had an event at work where I had sudden myoclonic tics/spasms come up that caused involuntary movement in my arms and legs. They are always there a bit, just like my familial essential tremor (I think I get that from my grandfather; his hands shook, too, so much later in life he couldn't hold a coffee cup without spilling it). Anyway, it was a little alarming at this went far more than a bit of a shaky thumb. My neurologist put me through a series of tests, including an EEG and a brain MRI to rule out things like epilepsy, multiple sclerosis, brain tumour, etc., and those all came out fine, so it went down as a myoclonus brought on by lack of sleep and stress. He upped my essential tremor medicine (a seizure med called topiramate) yet again, and it went to its current norm. But in the days of preparing for the surgery I got about 3-4 hours at the most sleep (not much than my norm, but still worse). On the night before, I got maybe one hour. So from the time I woke up to about noon yesterday, I had this thing I get where if I try to text or use a phone I 'double-tap' everything. Even after that, texting is hard and frustrating. And I tried the microphone. It was frustrating, because I'd still have to go back and correct on the phone. I meant to get on the computer once I got home, but it's taken a bit to get settled...so. I had a person to call a couple of friends, and he did, but didn't get through, so that didn't work, either. 🙁

Surgery went fine. There was no lengthy pre-op, even like you have with a colonoscopy or so. I just got dressed and had a quick word with providers, my friend, and then went on to the OR for my spinal. That's the last thing I remember before being in my room. I really must praise the staff at Baptist...not only were they very nice and professional, they apparently dealt with a difficult patient. I have been told that from the time I came to-I don't remember most of this, I wasn't really completely with it- I expressed my anxiety by trying to control the situation by ordering everyone including the staff and my friends (one of which is a trained CNA who worked Ortho/Neuro albeit 40 years ago, but knows a lot about patient care). I do not remember this, but I can certainly believe it. Whenever we feel anxiety, there is a need to control our environment. I am so going to have to answer this Press Ganey survey. I will say I sleep so much and better than I have in two years while I was there.

I walked all around the nurse's station with the walker the first day, and halfway to the PT gym the first day, did the same stair practice I'd done at the prehab, and felt fairly confident.

We got in the house with a few bumps, It was so good to be home!!!! Thank you Brenda Evans for all the shifting of schedules back and forth since the times were so uncertain. I really appreciate your help.

Yesterday I went to my first outside PT. I did make a mistake going down the stairs and jarred things a bit but didn't fall, it just hurt a bit. I had a great PT session and was able to reach 2% (they want 0% extension) and 73° angle bent knee heading toward a goal of 90°, which he said was really good for 2 days post op. Dr. Talwalkar also called me last night and he was very pleased. He's got an excellent manner about him, like you're talking with an old friend. He was also happy with those progress numbers.

Which reminds me, I'm go to go work on the new-fangled range-of-motion machine they have for me to do five times a day to help with that.

10 Days Out

I've done everything I can think of to prepare. I've read two books for patients written by orthopaedic surgeons to learn what to expect. I've read one written by a patient about recovery. I've bought assistive aids from elevated toilet seats to glides for the back legs of my walker that act as brakes when pushed down. I have all of them collected in my closet except for my shower chair, which is in the car trunk and some water bottles, which are in the utility room, ready to be frozen for my cold therapy machine. I've made appointments for physical therapy for both prehab (home exercise to strengthen my knee before surgery) and post-op rehab, and an appointment for delivery of a range of motion machine to be delivered the evening before surgery. I have my instructions for eating, taking meds, drinking my Gatorade G2 prior to surgery, cleansing and disinfecting, and for filling out my pre-surgery instruction pass to on the day of the surgery. The only thing I don't know is the time to arrive, something I won't know until the day before. I have someone who has graciously agreed to be my driver that day and pick me up after the observation when I'm discharged the next day. My roommate will also be there during the surgery.

So I think we're set.

I'm nervous, but not really anxious, which is REALLY good for me.

And I think it's hilarious that it's going to be robot-assisted by Rosa Robot. Apparently, at Baptist, all the surgical robots have names, and each surgeon prefers certain ones. Dr

Talwalkar must like Rosa. I'm looking forward to meeting Rosa.

Wish me luck.

So we're doing a pumpkin decorating contest at work

I decorated the pumpkin itself, but it was supposed to be part of a diorama. Because of getting sick, I thought I'd miss it, so I kept the pumpkin to put on my desk when I can go back to work but recycled the cardboard I was going to use and threw away the little bit I'd done, including arms for the pumpkin and a stand for it.

One of my co-workers on the committee told me to bring my pumpkin on Thursday when I go back as they'd saved me a spot. So, I pulled the cardboard out of the recycling bin (fortunately before the rain) and spent a dreary day assembling the Headquarters from Inside Out 2.

Here's the final product. I'm not an artist or anything, so it's certainly not perfect, but it basically meets the vision I had in mind and was fun to do.  I need to do something creative more often. Oh, and note there's an LED tealight under the 'idea' light bulb receptacle on the console. I thought that was a nice touch.

I also tried on my Halloween costume and it will go well. It's Sadness from Inside Out 2 as well. I have an oversized white turtleneck sweater (with lined side pockets!), I'll wear it with jeggings and my dress shoes (hers are ballerina pumps, mine are Mary Janes, but oh, well). I have blue tights and gloves, a blue Sadness wig, and blue makeup (I haven't tried that yet). I got some setting spray to keep the blue on, let's hope that works, as the sweater is rather nice and I don't want it stained. I'll be sure to take pictures of the whole thing.

How could I have never seen this before????!!!!

This could have been written for me with my anxiety, and it's in a library.

How my anxiety actually works, as demonstrated in the last 10 hours:

Last night:

1. There was a skunk in the yard, I can smell it.
2. There was recently a rabid skunk locally. 
3. I just set up a portable air conditioner [our AC has been out for some time, and it's so hot, in the 100s as far as heat index, and we are all suffering]. There is no screen over the exhaust tube. It just came with a cap in case you weren't using it for awhile
4. Oh, Gods, what if a rabid skunk climbs into the tube to the air conditioner?
5. What if it gnaws through the tube and gets into the house?
6. What if it bites me or my roommate or the animals?
7. Okay, Lisa, you're just being anxious. Calm down.

This morning:

1. Realises that there's no way it can happen.
2. Tells roommate in jocular way about it all and how silly it was, because after all, it operates with the WINDOW screen in front of it.
3. Roommate shakes head.
4. Goes back to room. Gives the air conditioning vent a long, hard look. 
5. Realises that while installing the vent and assembly, I forgot to put down the screen. Does so, forgetting I taped the window to the assembly. 🙂
6. All is right with the world.
7. Realises a skunk really could have climbed in and gnawed through the tubing. 
8. Go back to the beginning and repeat.

Goodness. Anxiety sucks. But that screen is down. Thank you, rabid skunk..

It has been so freaking busy lately

*Warning, long, somewhat whining post, even though I have so much to be grateful for, and others are going through so much more than I*

Up briefly in the night. I'd struggled after a long day of work with way too much stimulation with fraying just a bit but not actually breaking down, had to go to two stores to get challah, came home and crashed for two hours, came out to make and eat a sandwhich, and went back to sleep shortly thereafter. Essentially I was utterly exhausted; my roommate virtually sent me to bed when I got home at 7 PM (I'd started my day working at about 7 AM, scheduled till 5 PM). He even did a couple of my chores. It's 4 AM now and I finally feel human again. Although we were very busy and the flow of the front desk, which I was covering all day while training a new person, is different, I don't think today was what did it, but a combination of weeks of too much stimulation with lights and crying children and happy ones, and other noise and all the stress of being 'on' all the time., plus a lot of personal life stress. Plus we're in fracture season, the numbers are up, and it's difficult to fit people into the schedules [although thank goodness I can overbook on the computer now, rather than having to call others to do it]; I feel like I'm constantly juggling and I'm just trying not to drop any balls. And today things just were not so much chaotic as crazy, with weird stuff that happens but are involved all while other people are coming in. I was scheduled for a 10-hour day and had had one on Monday as well. I used to do that all the time when I was working two jobs, but it's somehow not the same. I finally ate lunch at 3:30. My legs are killing me from sitting even more than I do at my desk. I think I had taken two bathroom breaks and got up a total of five times during the time I was out there. I just felt a little tied to the desk. Don't get me wrong, I love my job in many ways. I am also very grateful to have it, as I have been laid off once and partially so (hours cut back or position eliminated twice) over 27 years and they've always done their best to keep me on, bring me back, or move me to another job. I love where I work, and the health insurance is outstanding, which I need badly. But I was much more suited to being a librarian and I know it. Even the insurance job, while stressful and a lot rode on it, was quieter and less stimulating.

I'm sure I'll feel better about it once I've had the weekend to decompress and recharge. I feel better already now that I've gotten some rest. It's not like I'm the only one who has days like this, and a lot of people have much more stressful jobs that they have to take home with them or have to make decisions with a lot riding on them. I don't. But I just recently began to understand a little more of why days like today nearly make me shut down, and while that's great to know, it's also very frustrating, because it takes so much effort to do things when it shouldn't, but I just have to try to deal with how I'm wired. And I have always been able to hold work, and do a good job, and a lot of people with similar issues struggle a lot more than I do. And while I came close to breaking down today, I did for the most part manage to keep it together, so that's a plus. I don't normally feel this way every day.after all. But today surprised me. It wasn't one of our super-busy days. In some ways, the job I was doing was easier than the one I usually do. I don't know why today was just so much in terms of feeling overwhelmed, but tomorrow, as Scarlett O'Hara would say, is another day. And I'm back at my desk and it'll be a busy Friday but slower than the rest of the week. It'll be okay, although I have to get up early again due to physical therapy. For now though, I should just go back to bed for a bit and let my dreams hopefully wash away the day and allow me to get some rest. Thank you for listening.

*whine off*

Something to remember

The monkey is from my therapist, a reminder to calm 'monkey chatter' when I'm anxious. The post-it was given to me by my supervisor the day before my surgery when I had a massive panic attack. I need to remember to be mindful. It works for autism meltdowns, too, I'm sure.

Going through this book

With my in-person therapist, and I have discovered from taking the self-assessment questionnaire between chapters one and two, that I apparently have every anxiety disorder known to man. Sigh. This is going to take a while. 

My therapist and I are concentrating on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy treatment for anxiety and frustration tolerance. The AbleTo counsellor and coach are working with the depression module, using CBT and  DBT for things like my emotional relationship with food and identifying activities to help with the depression.  That, along with the increase of my meds and the light therapy, will, I hope, have a profound effect on both depression and anxiety.  The latter ones are already doing a lot for my depression.  But my anxiety feeds my depression and has a greater impact on my life in general, or at least an equal one, so I need to deal with it as well.  Time to move on to the second chapter.

I'm feeling better

I have tried to be proactive and have taken steps to try to deal with and alleviate my depression, and as a result, I am feeling quite a bit better.

My psychiatrist upped my lamotrigine up to 50 mg of each dose (I take two a day). So that's 100 mg in an increased amount of medicine, and I think that has helped the most in the short term.  Let's face it, much of my mood issues are a result of brain chemistry. I see him six weeks from our last visit, so late March, and I've already made that appointment with his office (ours are usually telehealth).

I met with my new therapist last Saturday and really liked her.  She was nearly gleeful when she discovered I prefer cognitive or dialectical behavioural therapy and do well with 'homework'. We're going to actually start on anxiety and frustration coping techniques first because when she put me through the same test I'd taken the week before, it came out more anxiety (which is my usual problem), and it all fuels my depression. I see her again today. She has in-person and telehealth visits, but for now, we're meeting in person, as I think that is more helpful at times with a therapist.  For example, when I told her about the test, the DASS-21, she immediately downloaded it and had me take it.

I tried to meet with the counsellor from Able To, a programme through my insurance, but her phone calls wouldn't come through even though I did not have 'Do Not Disturb' on and they were going straight to voicemail. We managed to connect through voicemails and phone tagging to reschedule for next Tuesday. I think it may have something to do with T-Mobile's scam blocker, which is very useful but might have been over-enthusiastic.  Now that she is in my contacts, I'm thinking it won't be an issue.  But I'm going to check and see if I have to do anything to whitelist her number.

As a result the behaviour coach for Thursday didn't happen either.  I think she rescheduled both, although I'm not sure. It just never happened, no notices, no phone calls.  So hopefully that will happen next Thursday.  I want to try to work on the depression angle with the two insurance counsellors.

I bought a Voraiya UV-free 10,000 Lux therapy lamp and it arrived yesterday.  I used it for 10 minutes this morning, and plan to work up over the next week to 30 minutes a day in the morning, assuming I can get out of bed in time.  And it doesn't have to be 30 minutes all at once. Just now I had it off to the side. It's okay apparently to use my ant-glare prescription glasses so I can type, etc.  I have a slight headache, but that apparently becomes less of a problem as time goes by.  It wasn't as pricey as I thought (I think it was only $35 from Amazon.  There is a slight risk with these lamps as far as years of use for macular degeneration, a disease that robs you of some of your eyesight and is usually found in older people.  Both my mom and grandmother had it. I've never had signs, and I'll double-check with my ophthalmologist, but it is caused by exposure to a form of ultraviolet light, and this is supposed to be UV free. So hopefully that's fine.

So for now, I think taking immediate steps has helped.  I got up this morning, ate a banana, drank a glass of water, took my medicine with it, took my insulin, and now I'm going to go to the store for creamer, make my friend's coffee in the percolator (I do that on Saturday, as he is Jewish and observant), and then take a shower and get ready for my therapy appointment at 11 am.  At 1 pm I have an appointment with Tire Discounters for an oil change [my poor car, I knew it was overdue--I've gone 7,000 miles, but upon looking at the sticker, I realised it hasn't been done not in the last year, but in 2021, at least at Tire Discounters (I may have had my mechanic do it, and I have checked my oil and added as needed regularly), tyre rotation, windshield-wiper change (my driver's side is absolutely shredded), and to see if they can raise my driver's window.  The power window fell when I lowered the other night and is totally in the door.  I could cover it against the rain, but my main issue is that I can't lock the car.  I have an ADA (handicapped) placard for general use and a similar hangtag for parking at the University of Kentucky.  I'm afraid they will be taken, I'll get a citation (which is very pricey), and I'll have to have them replaced.  I don't need it fixed just now (it could be the switch, but it could be the motor and either is somewhat pricey, and I'd rather have my regular mechanic do that); I'm just trying to lock the car at this point by raising the window and keeping it closed.  After that, I'm going to try to get my hair trimmed, as it's starting to curl out of a pixie cut and I have an $8 coupon for a haircut.

Okay, I should get dressed and go get the creamer.  I still have to make the coffee (which takes about a half an hour with the percolator), go get the creamer, try to caffeinate, take a shower, and then do this whirlwind of tasks today.  Have a great weekend.

In the past week

 I have:

1. Made an appointment with a local therapist.
2. Had a telehealth appointment with my psychiatrist.
3. Had my meds adjusted by 50 mg twice a day.
4. Entered a telephonic behavioural programme through my insurance that allows for therapy and coaching with two different people each week for seven weeks [the same programme where the screener ran me through the DASS-21, which said I was severely depressed]. I have my appointment on Tuesday evening and the second on Thursday evening.
5. Had an in-person appointment with my new therapist to establish care.
6. Taken the DASS-21 again and came out mild on depression, anxiety, and stress, with anxiety the greatest. (It's just for the past week at a time; because I have Bipolar II, my mood can vary quite a bit from one to another.  In fact, last night I couldn't sleep, and I don't know if it was too much caffeine or swinging towards hypomania).

Having taken steps to deal with my mood issues, I feel better this week.  Also, my boss has been very understanding of how difficult it has been to get up and barely make it under the wire when clocking in or even being slightly late.  She even wrote me an encouraging note.  She lost her husband last year, so I think she gets depression.

The telehealth with my psychiatrist was early in the morning. The therapist is on Saturdays; the telephonic programme calls are in the evening, so they won't impact work that much.  Instead of three months, my doctor will see me in six weeks, and I have that appointment set up.

My goal this week is to get up on time and shower at least every other day.  At one point I was having so much trouble with it that I went six days without one. Let that sink in.

So, considering the week before last I was being given the suicide hotline number and the location of the nearest hospital that could deal with a mental health crisis, I think I'm doing better. I took my first dose of the increased lamotrigine last night (it's also called Lamictal; it's a seizure medicine also used as a mood stabiliser).

Since I came out with a lower depression score and my anxiety fuels a lot of my depression, we're going to start with dealing with frustration and anxiety in local therapy.  She suggested The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J Bourne as a beginning, and it turns out I already had it, so we're going to start with chapter one.  I told her that I did well with cognitive behaviour therapy and homework, which made her very excited, I think.  She also knew my former therapist (we think he retired or moved), who had helped me with my hoarding issues.

So I think I've started to go in the right direction.

Ah, my life

My insurance set up a session with a behavioural therapist to evaluate me for a wellness/support programme they offer, using life coaches to help with chronic pain, stress, anxiety, and health conditions. We went through my history and medications for an hour on the phone  among other things, she put me through the DASS-21, which measures depression, anxiety, and stress from the last week, as well as a more general health screening algorithm. I've been feeling a little down (it has been a difficult week), but generally feel mostly normal for me. Great news was my anxiety is mild, which is unusual for me and my stress is moderate (normal for me). The scale did kick me out as severe in the depression area. So I probably do not meet the requirements for the programme, and they'll call within 48 hours to let me know plus any alternatives. In the meantime she gave me the new phone number for suicide prevention (988) and told me she the which hospital that handles mental health crises is nearest to me.

Note, I'm not actually suicidal, just depressed, like I have been most of my life. And she caught me on a bad week, one where I found out that I couldn't swing going to my cousin's wedding 9 hours away due to finances and driving anxiety. And I do have a new therapist lined up. But still... I didn't realise I was doing that badly, and I thought this would lead to a seven-week coaching like I did with diabetes last year, and got this result instead. 

Not your typical Friday night

Our plans were put on hold tonight so I listened to music, trying out some new headphones I have, and for whatever reason, I started listening to a lot of older Linkin Park, mainly the albums Metora and Hybrid Theory.  I remembered that Chester Bennington's death had been around this time of the year, and I checked, it was the 20th of July 2017. Hard to believe it's been four years.  It's a shame; he was very talented, and had a beautiful voice (when he was singing, as opposed to the occasional screaming, but you could never say he didn't put emotion into his work).  That's what first appealed to me about them--Mike Shinoda's speaking and Chester Bennington singing, their voices intertwining.  I think it was 'In the End' that I first heard them.  There's a dark aspect to their music, emotional, raw, and full of depression and hurt.  I spent so much of my early life feeling exactly those things--I was clinically depressed from much of my childhood and teens all through my 30s.  I felt trapped in circumstances in my early life, then wound up going from that to an emotionally abusive marriage where I walked on eggshells for a six-year relationship that culminated in my wedding and then finally getting my voice and leaving six months into the fiasco that was.  Then there were years of trying to rebuild my life, or rather build it, because I'd always been a mirror of what people wanted me to be, rather than my own person. And once I stopped doing that, I was much happier.  So you can see why their music appeals.  (It's also why I like Simon & Garfunkel and Ed Sheeran, who often sing songs that are beautiful and light musically, but really quite depressive if you look at the lyrics.  Simon & Garfunkel have suicide through several songs, and Ed Sheeran sings about drugs, prostitution, miscarriages, and all sorts of 'negative' things, but in a way that makes him sound happy.)  Somehow I get all those.  Linkin Park is a rawer kind of music, where the music itself expresses the pain, not just the lyrics.

I don't know why, even though I'm not in that place any more, I still feel comfort in this sort of music.  Most people feel depressed listening to that sort of music.  I feel more alive.  It reminds me of the demons I've conquered.  There are plenty I'm still working on, as it's a daily struggle with my brain to keep on an even keel.  Thankfully I have a good support system, a friend of over 30 years (the same one who helped me get out of that awful marriage) who still asks me hard questions I can't dodge that cuts down on lies I might tell myself, and then I can't tell you how different my life is with the right medicine.  My brain chemistry hates me, and while I sometimes wish that wasn't so, I know I need help, and there's no shame in that.  My roommate is very astute at sensing changes in my mood, and helping with my anxiety, which without medication would be crippling.

I know that's a fairly heavy post.  Sorry about that, I didn't mean to go all dark on you.  It's one reason I try to keep things upbeat here, because of that tendency. I'm feeling actually pretty decent tonight. It was a good week, I got a lot done, I feel good about myself.  But it did make me reflect on how far I've come.  If you told me at age 20 that I'd have connexions to so many people who make my life better, I'd think you were crazy. I was so alone for so long.  Thanks for being there.  You know who you all are.

Meltdown

I'm afraid I'm about to overshare, but try to understand what it's like living with issues such as anxiety, bipolar II, and ADHD all at once, all of which are normally quite in balance and do not easily reach the tipping point thanks to modern medicine.

So today had such promise, but it wound up being Lisa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It was even our holiday celebration at work (socially distanced and virtual even), and I wore red and black and a jolly Santa hat with a bell on it, but I am so terribly overwhelmed at work at the moment that I didn't let myself take part in the festivities or even enjoy our provided lunch [well, yes, the brownie was good]. It didn't help that I missed my oral meds last night, and because of that, when I went to take them this morning, my holder was empty, because I didn't realise it needed to be filled. So I didn't have the medications that help me focus with ADHD or the ones that keep me from being anxious and falling apart in an emotional mess. Don't get me wrong, anyone would be overwhelmed (I think I've gotten over 25 offsite requests to schedule this week and had several others in-progress). But no amount of breathing or trying to put things into little chunks helped. I did get a lot done, even so, better than a normal day in some ways and worse in others. But I felt absolutely horrible the whole day, had a terrible headache, and didn't relax at all, feeling like a hamster spinning in a wheel while drowning all at once. Most people went home early, and I was going to stay my full shift, but after I started catching small errors I was making, I decided I had to call it a day and left about 45 minutes early, as I was absolutely no good for anything at that point and wasn't going to get anything else accomplished and just might make it worse. So I tried to focus on what I did get done, but on the shuttle to my car there I was, in a Santa hat with a jingle bell, just crying. It's a good thing I had a mask on.

But a couple of nice things happened today. I won parking for a week in March. A man let me go (with my one item) before him at the line at Kroger, where they were really backed up. I got home and had Sabbath dinner, and it was really nice, vegetarian tsimmes with carrots, honey, and raisins, Quorn roast, cranberry sauce, and challah. The company was good. My roommate was very supportive and encouraging, even when he called me at work to see if I was able to stop by the store, and he realised how fragile I was feeling. So the day is ending on a better note. Monday I'll try to hit the ground running with the phone calls I need to make. Tomorrow is another day, and in this case, tomorrow is the weekend, so I'm going to focus on resting and getting back on my schedule. This is the worst I've felt since August, when I had to ask my doctor to change my medicine because I was in a very dark place and was a bit of a danger to myself briefly, something that surprised my doctor, as I'd been completely stable as long as he'd treatment me over the last decade. Since we made the adjustments I've been fine, at worst a little stressed. That worked for a good solid three months. But I missed two doses and it all fell apart. I hate to think that I'm that fragile. But it does mean I need to be more proactive in self-care, definitely.

What a day

I had my first attempt to use the dough setting on my machine, followed by punching it down, one more knead by hand, my first try at braiding, brushing with an egg mixture, and baking for 25 minutes. The first picture is the braided dough before baking, the second is the final result. It was a recipe that did the two loaves I needed at once. I'm really looking forward to tasting it tomorrow. I even put a few sesame seeds on top to be fancy.

The bread was my crowning achievement for the day, along with getting in some information on a website in a timely fashion. Otherwise, I managed to 1) forget to take any of my medicine, oral or injected, 2) had my blood sugar fly up to the 340s as a result, 3) received a kitchen timer in the mail that didn't work per the instructions so rather than just returning it I unscrewed and fiddled with it most of the day, figuring out how to put it back together but unable physically to do so, and getting mightily frustrated, to the point where I just threw it away, since I couldn't return it, 3) slept most of the rest of the day, 4) had a recurring anxiety dream which began with Dungeons & Dragons (which oddly enough, as a gamer, I've never played) in the Patterson Office Tower at the University of Kentucky, and ended with a full-out musical number with Nancy Drew in that location.

I get a little off when my medicine's off. The dream was my anxiety, I was more frustrated than normal, my blood sugar was affecting my thinking and in general, I was both anxious and depressed.

But I made good bread, so that's going to be my takeaway. In the meantime I've taken all the meds I can at night (ADHD and water pill/potassium are the exceptions, as they're a morning thing). I've also had a bit too much caffeine today, and it's late, 1:35 am and I'm both tired and awake. I watched some 'Designing Women' with my roommate just now, though, so I feel a little better.

That timer was sort of a metaphor of my day. Non-operational, then wound too tightly, and you take me apart and the spring explodes and you lose the screws.

Stop the stigma

My Name is Wil Wheaton. I live with chronic Depression, and I am not ashamed.

Who knew Wil Wheaton and I shared so many similarities? He's just a little better at describing everyday life with depression and anxiety disorders than I am. I'm going to take a page from his book and start writing that I live with mental illness, but it does not define me. I live with bipolar disorder, social anxiety, generalised anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, hoarding syndrome, driving anxiety, among other things. I am afraid almost every moment of my life. It's crippling at times, but I still get up and go to work each day and take one step at a time. I take a good blend of medication -- a mood stabilizer and atypical antipsychotic (I'm not psychotic, but it works for other things, and you shouldn't give someone worth bipolar disorder SSRI antidepressants, as they can trigger mania), and an anti-anxiety medication. That helps immensely. Therapy has helped, too. But I will never be cured. I know that ust like I live with chronic diabetes that can be managed, but never really completely cured, no matter what some people claim in diet books. It's another type of illness, just an imbalance in my brain chemistry rather than the hormone imbalance behind diabetes. It's nothing to be ashamed or stigmatised by, although it often is. So I'm writing about this now. I live with mental illness every day. It is a constant companion questioning my every move. But I'm ultimately the one on the driver's seat. It is my life. I struggle, but I choose to live as fully as possible

So it's been a difficult few days

Lots of stress, lots of little things, lots of running around, lots of phone calls. I won't go into all of it, but suffice to say most of it it financial, and things should get better in the next few days, and in the meantime I'm moving heaven and earth trying not to overdraw my bank account.

And, although the game was very good Sunday, and it was a particularly difficult adventure that the game master really had to rework, I lost a character. Now most of you who roleplay do short bouts of adventures, with a dungeon crawl here, or a single story, and then things happen and sometimes your character gets killed, and you roll up another and go on. But when you play an ongoing story, in which the characters take on life, for nearly twenty-six years, you get a little attached to them, and it kind of bums you out for a day or two. In all the time I've been playing Call of Cthulhu, I've lost three characters. One was stomped on by Shub-Niggurath and became toe-jam, just two months after she had a baby. The second was a guy who sacrificed himself in Antarctica to save the world (and a beloved non-player character), and I felt very good about that one, really, and hadn't been playing him very long at all. This one I've played for about 5-7 years; she had a baby 10 months ago in game time, and was killed by being cooked from the inside out when she missed her saving throw by none other than Nyarlathotep himself. I suppose I should be honoured by the fact that I've had characters killed mainly by major manifestations, but it still hurts. Also, the woman's husband had to be killed because he was turning into a Cthulhoid thing (and he was already a necromancer), just mere hours before her death. So the child is an orphan, though fortunately the family curse was thwarted, and he will not be doomed for all time.

You've got to love Lovecraftian roleplaying.

On the good side, I had no less than three characters on this adventure, and one was my very first character--the one I've been playing for 26 years or so--the one who usually survives by going insane, getting pregnant--she actually spent two game years inside Yog-Sothoth. If that's not devotion to avoiding death and mayhem, I don't know what is.

In this one adventure--'The Burning Stars'--we had seven characters (two for Brenda, three for me, and two non-player characters). Two went insane, two died, one barely survived having her heart squeezed by a spell by Nyarlathotep, and one was left standing to hike back into Port-au-Prince (we were in Haiti) to find help. That was the one who'd been around all these years, and she had an interesting discussion with Nyarly (as we call him) where she was basically tired and mourning and wasn't up to being terribly afraid of him. Of course, she should be.

So I was down a little yesterday, kind of glum, actually. Today I feel better. Of course, I also had my rehab today and did lots of exercise, worked harder than I had, did my breathing exercises, and wound up pushing myself into the beginning of an asthma attack, so I had to use my inhaler. But things are improving on that front. I'm still holding at about 7 lbs short of where I was a month ago and 16 lbs short of my all-time high. So it's helping with that, as well.

Okay, I think I will go do some things around the house. I need to call in the air conditioner and our bimonthly pest control visit is Thursday, and those dishes aren't going to wash themselves (more's the pity).

I should be doing laundry tonight, but

I've been letting the stress of life really get to me lately; things have been harder than normal with the impending job loss and half a dozen different stressors knocking at my door. Two separate people asked me how I was doing today. I'm having a bit of a breakdown. I know it. I'm not coping with the stress in some misguided belief that I won't have to keep dealing with things, according to my best friend, and I think he's right. That's my messed up brain chemistry trying to cope ineffectively. I'm slipping into the depressive side of my Bipolar Disorder II, after a long remission, and I recognise that I'm on the cusp of relapse. I see my counselor Monday and my doctor in twelve days, so perhaps they can adjust my therapy and/or medication. But in the meantime, I'm going to take a hot bath, take the night off to try to relax, and get some rest, because that's the first step to meeting stress full-on rather than just curling up in a ball and hoping it goes away.

Feeling a little better

I went to my counseling session yesterday evening, and I feel much better and have some ideas for reducing my stress levels, taking care of the things that I can take care of, and trying to let go of the things I can't. The hoarding issue can wait a little; I've got to get a handle on how I feel, the panic I've been under lately. Meanwhile, my friend YKWIA and I have had several discussions, and he's right, I let things build up over and over again, only to blow up emotionally and melt down. There's actually an analogy he mentioned, taken from Transactional Analysis and entered into popular psychology, where you 'save up stamps' like people used to do when they went to the grocery store. Unlike the prizes that you could get through the stores, this allows you to save up until you're ready to blow, and all the little issues justify the blow up. Of course, if the person does so around someone else, that's really not fair to the other person, and that's what happened the other day. I've been so busy keeping things together in other arenas, like work, that I let go around someone I felt comfortable with, and caused an issue.

So, I obviously need to work on my emotions and on taking a proactive, not reactive role in meeting problems head on rather than letting things pile up. It's like emotionally I'm doing the same thing as my house--pushing the stuff around, at best, not dealing with it, and then it piles up and causes me problems.

My mom, who had been back in the hospital, seems to be on the mend, so that's one stressor down for now. Work is going well in general, although the end of that run is quickly approaching, and I'm having a lot of anxiety over that. My counselor made some suggestions for the running to appointments issue as well, some alternate means of transportation that we need to find since when I find another job, I will 1) not have PTO to burn at all and 2) most places will not be as understanding about my taking someone I'm technically not related to around to various appointments. So we need to find a good alternative. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Our local partnership between the local bus system and the Red Cross, Wheels, is apparently meant to be a transient service when a person is getting used to being disabled. I'm going to check out a service called ITN, which my counselor suggested, as it is more of a subscription-to-ride sort of service, and can take him anywhere in town, not just doctors and grocery stores. But it's meant for seniors and those with certain disabilities, so he may not qualify. Oh, and Uber and Lyft are not tenable, as you need a smartphone for that, and he doesn't even have a cell phone. Cabs are prohibitively expensive and, in our town, rather unreliable.

So there's that. In the meantime, I'm doing some things to try to get things back on an even keel. I'm trying to get more rest (although I only got about three hours' sleep last night because I made the mistake of taking a cold medicine with pseudoephedrine in it, and couldn't sleep after 2 am). I'm reading or at least listening to an audiobook for at least 30 minutes a day, possibly longer. I'm still making my way through The Cave and the Light: Plato versus Aristotle and the Struggle for the Soul of Western Tradition by Arthur Herman. I just finished chapter 18 out of 31. They are long chapters, and of course the material is rather dense, although not exceedingly so. But each chapter lasts about 50 minutes of recording. So I'm doing half a chapter to a chapter a day.

I've also exercised a little. Last week I spent some time on the exercise bike in our fitness room at the apartment complex, then walked on the treadmill--not for long, but enough to get a start. Tonight I'm doing laundry in the same building, and they have Wi-Fi, so I'm writing this from the laundry room, but before sat down to the computer I put my laundry in the washers (three loads!) and then went over and biked for a few minutes and then tried the elliptical, which I do not know if I am coordinated enough for that. I lasted three minutes total on the elliptical. 1) I have a tendency to go backwards, and 2) it's not supposed to hurt my knees, but does, mainly, I suspect, because I don't use my knees correctly enough. I bend at the back rather than my knees (yes, I know that's bad) because I have hard problems with my knees since I was a teenager. I also have to be careful if I stop with the elliptical because it practically throws me off. I'm glad no one was in there. But I'll keep trying, anyway. I'm also using Habitica, which I've mentioned before, to help with the stress-reduction, reading, and de-cluttering. I reached level 121 as a mage and have used the Orb of Rebirth so that I have been 'reborn', so I'm a level 9 warrior at the moment. I think I'll stay a warrior this time; you can work your way through all the classes, including rogue and healer. It really is helping, though, and I'm questing with others, which keeps us accountable and more likely to take care of our daily tasks. In other words, it's helping with my resolutions to de-stress and de-clutter my life.

Okay, I promised a friend who doesn't have a computer that I'd upload his résumé and help him apply for a job listing. Time to be productive. Have a good night.

It's been a very rough start to 2017

My mom is back in the hospital. She spent six days in a rehabilitation centre, fell, showed major confusion, and wound up back in the university's emergency room. Thursday we had our first snow, which, while minor, wreaked havoc with the roads, followed by single digit and low teen temperatures. It took me two and a half hours to go from work, make a quick stop at Kroger, pick up A, take him home, and then go home myself. I got home about 7 pm. My stepfather barely got back to Danville, as I think they had more snow. That night, my mom's potassium was very high and they wanted someone there who was family, because they had to put in a central line and put her through dialysis to get it down, so about 10:30 pm I went over there, and she was coherent and awake, and we talked, and despite the fact that she was very sick and in the hospital, had a good visit. At one point there was a problem with the central line and they asked me to step out of the room for about 15 minutes, which stretched to an hour. I was in a small waiting/consultation room, and it was dim and quiet, and I nearly fell asleep. I finally got to go back in, and stayed a little while. But by 2 am, I'd been up for 22 hours straight and was afraid I wouldn't be able to drive home on the nasty roads if I stayed much longer. So I headed on home and went straight to bed, got about four hours' sleep, and went to work. I was struggling all day to stay awake. On Friday night I picked A up from where YKWIA was helping him job hunt. I took him home, and went and visited my mom in the observation area. But whe mostly slept, and when she id waken briefly, she didn't know I was there. The nurse did get her to drink her medicine, but beyond that she was unresponsive. I came on home about 11 pm and was very discouraged. My stepfather and I texted back and forth about DNRs and letting go. I updated my aunts. That sort of thing. I was pretty down.

Today I spent most of the day doing errands with friends, and instead of going over to visit my mom, I told my stepfather (who'd come over to find her awake and doing much better) that I would visit in the morning. I then proceeded to crash for four hours. I got up after 8:30, went to Kroger for a few things, where the checkout lane totally shut down and wouldn't scan, so we moved to another lane, and then I somehow didn't get a bag of bread, an apple, and bananas home with me, so I guess it got lost in the shuffle. :(

I feel stressed and anxious. I'm sad and angry and conflicted; the way my mom has bounced back and forth to various extremes is heart-wrenhxhibg. I've had a lot of responsibilities lately, a lot of appointments both for myself and YKWIA and I've been doing some extra projects at work, so I've been going in early. I think last night, when I slept for 8 hours, wa the most I've slept in over a month and a half. I've been averaging 4-5 hours a night, and it's been very broken sleep.

I should work on the house, which is reflecting all the inner emotions right now. Instead, I'm trying to calm myself down by listening to the Bastille Pandora station. It isn't helping. I feel bad for not seeing my mom today, although the rest did help a little.

A is going to call me later so I can pick him up at work by 1 am. BUt I think I may take some time to rest some more. I'm just not up to anything else, right now. Hope your new year is off to a better start.