Love this song

If you need to speak to someone and are having problems that seem overwhelming, call or text 988. It is our national mental health crisis line, and it's 24/7 and confidential.

This made me cry. But they're right, so right.

Poignant

I heard this song the other day on Amazon Music and was struck by it so much that I went ahead and ordered his album. This song is so beautiful. It's about the loss of his best friend to suicide. Any of us who have loved those who have experienced suicidal thoughts or have had them ourselves, I think, can relate. It's Suicide Prevention month, and this song is a perfect segue into having a discussion with anyone you love with depression. I like how it focuses on the pain of those left behind. Often people don't realise how much their lives mean to others. Please, if you yourself feel this way, reach out to loved ones, to professionals, or dial 988, the mental health hotline. Someone out there would be devastated without you. You belong in the world, and things do get better. We just sometimes have to find the beauty in life, in the world, in others--and in ourselves.

Second day with the lamp

I don't find it annoying bright. Yesterday I had a mild headache; that's apparently normal when you start out. Right now I'm trying to get used it and only doing about 10-15 minutes a day, working my way up over the week to the recommended 30. Now if only I can wake up early enough to use it tomorrow morning. It's not really effective if I do it after I get home; it would just throw my sleep off. So I have to get up early enough to sit with it for a few minutes. We'll see. I'm going to try my best to make it a habit, at least until it gets light in the early hours again.

I got my oil changed at TIre Discounters yesterday, and after buying the larger package that includes two discounted oil changes, a 5% off voucher for service, and they threw in my windshield wipers for free, they tried to raise my window but it's down so far they were afraid to break it.  It is the switch, though, which with the labour would be about $200. I couldn't do that yesterday, but I'm going to try to have my regular mechanic look at it when I'm off for a couple of days in March.  So I went to Autozone and got a $10 kit that puts plastic on the windows and you tighten it with a hair dryer.  I was a little concerned as to how to do that, as I don't have an adapter between car electric sockets and household electric plugs, and our extension cord, if it reaches that far, would have to be plugged into the same circuit as the computer, and I don't want to trip that breaker.  You know how those hair dryers are. Funny, I have one, and I only use it for things like this unless it is 8 degrees or so outside and I've just taken a shower. I do, however, have a power bank I specifically bought so I could use my CPAP in a power loss situation like an ice storm or thunderstorm.  So I think that will work.  Anyway, that's on the agenda.  It's not really securing the car, but at least it will keep the rain out and maybe deter someone from just reaching in and getting my hangtag.

My therapy appointment went well. We're working our way through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, 6th edition.  We went over chapter 1, which is a quick overview of different types of disorders and treatments.  I found out that I have every major type of anxiety disorder except agoraphobia--generalised anxiety, panic, obsessive-compulsive, phobic, social, and post-traumatic stress disorders.  Chapter two will be about the causes of anxiety disorders.  My therapist also sent me a couple of videos, one on what she calls 'monkey chatter' or negative self-talk, and the other on creating a ready toolbox of breathing to deal with symptoms.  I'm going to watch those here in a bit, and try to go through chapter two tonight.

Right now I am caffeinating so I can do my Sunday chores.  We're not playing the Call of Cthulhu game this weekend, although I did go ahead and transcribe the notes last night. We watched the first episode of 'Babylon 5' (we'd seen the hard-to-find pilot movie the other day; it's on Tubi).  I never watched it regularly enough to keep up with the story, but it is really well-written and coherent, particularly as the creator wrote out the whole saga before filming, so there's a lot fo foreshadowing, and certainly, it is not 'make it up as you go along'. Then we watched 'The Orville', the first episode of season 3, in which I cried through the whole thing, as it examines the precursors and aftermath of suicide. It wasn't my depression causing me to cry--I'm feeling a lot better since my meds were upped--but there were other reasons it was timely but upsetting, and I thought the story captured things very well. Plus, I like the character it centred around a lot.

Okay, I'm going to take my medicine and check out the news on the web. Have a great day.

Ah, my life

My insurance set up a session with a behavioural therapist to evaluate me for a wellness/support programme they offer, using life coaches to help with chronic pain, stress, anxiety, and health conditions. We went through my history and medications for an hour on the phone  among other things, she put me through the DASS-21, which measures depression, anxiety, and stress from the last week, as well as a more general health screening algorithm. I've been feeling a little down (it has been a difficult week), but generally feel mostly normal for me. Great news was my anxiety is mild, which is unusual for me and my stress is moderate (normal for me). The scale did kick me out as severe in the depression area. So I probably do not meet the requirements for the programme, and they'll call within 48 hours to let me know plus any alternatives. In the meantime she gave me the new phone number for suicide prevention (988) and told me she the which hospital that handles mental health crises is nearest to me.

Note, I'm not actually suicidal, just depressed, like I have been most of my life. And she caught me on a bad week, one where I found out that I couldn't swing going to my cousin's wedding 9 hours away due to finances and driving anxiety. And I do have a new therapist lined up. But still... I didn't realise I was doing that badly, and I thought this would lead to a seven-week coaching like I did with diabetes last year, and got this result instead. 

Concerning

Youth Suicide Rate Increased 56% in Decade, CDC Says

There are always risks in any medical treatment, but they have to be weighed against the benefits. I can't imagine making these sort of life and death decisions on a daily basis (the main reason I did not pursue a career as a doctor or nurse), and pharmacology can be extremely tricky. But short-term studies are not foolproof, and if I had a teen with major depression, I'd seriously consider putting him or her on anti-depressants on the condition of close medical and parental monitoring. Of course, with my mental health history, I'd also make sure it was major depression and not bipolar, as SSRIs can make a person with bipolar disorder manic, triggering that phase of the disease, which can be just as devastating as the depression.

FDA’s continuing use of ‘black box’ for antidepressants ignores the harms of this warning

RIP Chester Bennington

You probably wouldn't think it by looking at me, a middle-aged librarian without a single tattoo and only one simple piercing in each ear, but I like Linkin Park a lot, something any of you who have read this blog for awhile probably know, though. I don't care so much for the screaming songs, but I do like the ones that blend Chester Bennington's and Mike Shinoda's vocals, particularly. I have several of their albums (my favourite is A Thousand Suns). The following just feature Chester Bennington, which maybe is fitting, given their subject matter and the fact that he was found this morning, having apparently committed suicide by hanging. His friend Chris Cornell had recently died, also believed to be a suicide, and he was found on what would have been his friend's birthday. Requiescat in pace.

So sad.

Sad, that's at least three suicides I've heard of due to this

Estate Of Floyd Co. Woman Files Suit Against Ky. Attorney

The family of a woman who committed suicide after her Social Security/Disability Benefits were removed, has filed suit in Floyd County Circuit Court.

The estate of Melissa Jude, with her husband John Daniel Jude acting as administrator, filed a complaint against Eric C. Conn and his law offices for claims that "legal malpractice" on the part of Conn resulted in Jude's state of mental despair.

This is the second such complaint filed against Conn. The widow of Leroy Burchett also filed a lawsuit on behalf of her late husband's estate alleging fraudulent activity on the part of attorney Eric C. Conn resulted in his wrongful death.

Over 900 eastern Kentucky residents represented by the controversial Floyd County attorney had their benefits frozen pending a review by the Social Security Administration.

The SSA sent out letters notifying recipients represented by Conn's office between 2009 and 2011, announcing a review to determine whether the individual in question was actually disabled.

Two days after Mrs Jude died, benefits were restored to those who had received the letters. My understanding is the government restored the benefits at the request of US Representative Hal Rogers, who cited the hardship it would have. Their benefits have been restored while the fraud is investigated. While I believe disability fraud should be rooted out, it should not be done in such a way that those who are legitimately disabled, many of whom have benefits as their sole income, should suffer. Such a pity this situation led to such desperate acts, and that at least three people seem to have died over this. So sad.

A sad but compelling story

Oregon Father’s Memorial Trek Across Country Ends in a Family’s Second Tragedy

As he made his way across the country, Joe Bell walked through rain squalls, slept in ditches and talked to anyone who would listen about how his gay son had killed himself after being taunted and bullied at school.

Mr. Bell’s artificial knees ached and his feet were mapped with blisters, but he told friends and strangers that he was determined to make it on foot from his home in eastern Oregon to New York City, where his son, Jadin, 15, had dreamed of one day working in fashion or photography. “I miss my son Jadin with all my heart and soul,” he wrote on Facebook in late May. “I know you’re with me on this walk.”

But last Wednesday, Mr. Bell’s American journey — one that drew attention from local newspapers and attracted thousands of followers on social media — ended in an instant on a two-lane road in rural eastern Colorado. He was struck and killed by a tractor-trailer whose driver had apparently fallen asleep, the state police said.

For nearly six months, Mr. Bell, 48, had been on the road, sharing his son’s story and trying to salve his own grief. He spoke at motorcycle rallies and college bars, schools, diners and gay-outreach centers, telling people about his sensitive, artistic son who hanged himself from a piece of playground equipment on Jan. 19.

I didn't comment when this story first broke

But it saddens me that any judge would make such a horrendous statement. He should be removed from office, plain and simple, for he has no business being the voice of justice.

Prosecutors appeal 30-day rape sentence as illegal

Montana state prosecutors on Wednesday appealed as illegal a controversial 30-day sentence handed down by a district judge in a rape case involving a teacher and his 14-year-old student.

District Judge G. Todd Baugh had received widespread condemnation for the lenient sentence he ordered last month and his comments that the victim, Cherice Moralez, was "older than her chronological age."

In sentencing the 54-year-old teacher, Stacey Dean Rambold, the judge also said that Cherice was "as much in control of the situation" as her teacher.

Cherice's mother, Auliea Hanlon, stormed out of the original sentencing hearing. In a written statement, she said, "I guess somehow it makes a rape more acceptable if you blame the victim, even if she was only 14.

Cherice killed herself in 2010 at the age of 16 after the case was sent to criminal court.

It's terrible enough that this young girl took her own life because of what happened to her. At the very least her memory is due some real justice.

Got home while the sun was still streaming through the windows

It's beautiful outside--80 degrees but with low humidity and a slight breeze. I can feel my tension in my shoulders relaxing a bit now that I'm home. I've turned off the air conditioner, opened the windows, and just have a fan going.

Today I said goodbye to my boss of many years. I will miss her a great deal. She's always been there for me through the good and the bad, and she was super great during my time off from my injury last year. She's moving to academia, and I'm sure she'll do fine.

The first thing I heard today was my alarm clock giving me the news of the day (it always greets me and then gives me three headlines in a male British voice). The first was the Ariel Castro suicide. I can't say that I'm sorry to see him dead and gone. Maybe it's my Christian upbringing, but I usually feel that it's bad to think that of other people; I'd like to think everyone has some good that can redeem the person, but I don't have much faith in that for him. He imprisoned and raped three women over a decade, heinously kidnapping them and stealing away their youth and bright futures, and fathered a child in that terrible situation. While he declared he was not a monster, I beg to differ. I have to admit, my first reaction was 'good riddance'. I only hope that with his death, these women (and the little girl) can find closure of some sort, some normalcy, and go on to have full and happier lives.

Very sad that someone apaprently felt compelled to end her own life

because of a stupid hoax that some people thought was a fun joke. Ultimately, it was her decision to do so, but it is so very sad and needless. And while the DJs are not responsible for her death, the very idea that they would call up a hospital pretending to be someone's family member (and royalty to boot) and then ellict and broadcast personal health details is deplorable.

British nurse who took prank Australian call found dead [an audio broadcast]

Australian radio DJs removed from air after nurse they fooled with Kate Middleton prank call dies

The company behind the Australian radio station that prank called the London hospital caring for the Duchess of Cambridge says its ‘deeply saddened’ by the death of the nurse who took the call.

Jacintha Saldanha, a married mother of two, appears to have taken her own life just two days after the DJs, posing as Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Charles, called the King Edward VII Hospital to inquire about Kate Middleton’s condition. The Duchess had been receiving treatment for severe morning sickness.

When the Mel Greig and Michael Christian called, Saldanha patched the hosts through to another nurse, who revealed private health details about the Duchess on the air.

Sometimes seemingly minor things have huge consequences

I feel for this family, and for this young man, who was plagued by a problem most would find trivial, but which was so horrible for him, he took his own life.

Unbearable blushing: Parents speak out about son's suicide

So they were stunned last fall when Brandon, a friendly, well-liked University of Washington student, confessed to his mother he’d been struggling with crippling, chronic blushing for four years.

And they were devastated on May 29, when Brandon jumped from the 11th floor balcony of his Seattle dormitory, leaving behind a five-page note blaming his suicide on despair caused by the little-known disorder.

“When Brandon finally let us in to his secret life of torment, we were obviously way behind,” his mother said.

Six weeks later, the Thomases are speaking out about Brandon’s death to honor his last wish. In the letter, the young man who hid the problem from his friends, his family -- even his twin -- wanted the world to know that there’s nothing trivial about turning red.

Very troubling

Military women and suicide: Home safe but not sound: Rising suicide rates among female veterans show how deep the emotional wounds can be

In 2011, there were 164 deaths of active-duty soldiers that were investigated as suicides. Adding to the horror is this surprise: According to a study in Psychiatric Services, among women ages 18 to 34, female veterans were three times more likely to kill themselves than nonveterans. (An earlier study found that male veterans were twice as likely to commit suicide as were male nonvets.)

Psychologists aren't yet sure of the reason. The Psychiatric Services study was the first time researchers estimated the suicide risk among these women. "When we broke out the statistics on females with military service, it was shocking," says Mark Kaplan, D.P.H., coauthor of the study and professor of community health at Portland State University. "Why were women killing themselves at such a disproportionate rate? Why were so many suicides occurring after they'd returned home? It's a call to action for the military to take a closer look at what women are going through."

It's an interesting article, well worth a read. I feel for these soldiers, especially those on multiple deployments. We need to do more for our men and women in uniform in terms of social and psychological support.

There was a young man

of whom I did not know, a founder of a social networking site called Diaspora, whose name was Ilya Zhitomirskiy. He committed suicide the other day. He was only 22, and apparently hid his depression very well. There are some thoughts on this, as well as a plea to make the choice to reach out to others rather than to take one's life, at this: Please Reach Out

I have dealt with depression, in fact I've spent probably the majority of my life depressed, but never to that point. I've gotten to the point where I didn't care if I lived or died, but not where I felt like doing the deed myself. But I've known others who have been actively contemplating suicide, had it all planned, and it is a very scary thing, and I've seen what serious depression can do on a daily basis.

Please, if you are contemplating suicide, seek help. Call 1-800-273-8255 in the US. (If you don't have the number handy, put 'suicide' into Google and it will pop up at the top even before you hit search--thanks folks at Google.) Reach out to a friend, a family member, a member of the clergy, a teacher--anyone you feel you can trust to help you. And if there is no one, there is the hotline. There are things that can help, such as medication and therapy. And most of all, there are people who care, even if you don't think so right now.

Words fail

10-year-old Commits Suicide Because of Bullying

I know I've posted some grim news stories here lately. Sorry for that. But this so disturbed me. 10 year olds shouldn't have to endure being called sluts, and they certainly shouldn't feel that ending their life is the only way out. How do we stop such horrible bullying, and build resiliency in our children? Are we failing both the bullied and the bullies?

So terribly sad

18-Year-Old Girl Tweets 144 Times before Committing Suicide: MyFoxHOUSTON.com

Of course, the thing about Twitter is it's kind of a crap shoot whether a tweet is noticed by someone following you, especially if the person follows a lot of people or agencies. And then there's the fact that it's sometimes hard to figure out who to report a suicide note to, what jurisdiction, that sort of thing. But she used her real name, and 144 tweets over 6 hours--that might be a little different.

This girl obviously felt that no one could stop her pain, and that the world failed her. And, it seems, it did. I am saddened by the death of someone so young, so troubled. I hope if her allegations are true, then the case will be reopened and the person who essentially killed the spirit of this young girl gets the justice deserved.

A concerning trend

Suicide spikes among middle-aged women: Experts speculate that depression, substance abuse and sleep issues may all play a part

At 23, Julie Boledovich Farhat decided to leave her boyfriend, three siblings and beloved hometown in Michigan to focus on saving her mother.

After watching her mom, Gail Boledovich, battle schizophrenia for three years and suffer from hallucinations and delusions, Julie resolved to take an engineering job in Bowling Green, Ky., and buy a house where her mom could live with her and have a beautiful garden and even an art studio to create her mosaics. Gail would be spared the stress of having to work or pay bills. Everything would work out, Julie thought.

But Gail Boledovich never made it to Kentucky. She took her own life on May 1, 2005, two days before her 49th birthday. She died from an overdose of prescription-strength Benadryl pills that doctors had prescribed to her to help her sleep at night. Boledovich took the lethal dose in the middle of the day.

Farhat’s mom could have been anyone’s mom, or aunt — or wife.

The article goes into statistics, about reasons, etc., but what I found interesting was when they went back to Farhat:

“Mental illness is a real debilitating illness,” Farhat says. “But unlike someone who is physically disabled, no one holds the door open for a person on the street having hallucinations.”

In honor of her mother, Farhat, now 30, and her three siblings started Mind Over Matter (MOM), a small nonprofit aimed at promoting mental health awareness and raising money for research and suicide prevention in Michigan.

“Society puts so much emphasis on how these people die, but I loved my mom — the way she died had nothing to do with the person she was.”

I wish every person realised this. Mental illness is real, it is devastating. I'm glad she and her siblings took their pain public and did something to change how people are perceived and how to keep others from dying.

This was sad

Girl, 12, kills herself to donate organs to family: But she is cremated before family finds suicide note detailing her wishes
Her father was losing his eyesight; her brother had kidney issues. They could not afford medical care. The young girl poisoned herself with a pesticide, trying to give them a second chance for life.

Of course, the pesticide would probably have rendered the organs unusable, the costs of transplants and immunosuppression are high, but she was 12, and most likely didn't understand that. What she did understand is that her loved ones were hurting. But her death may not be totally in vain; a politician stated that they would help her brother and father financially so that they could have the operations she wanted for them.

So sad

Mom in NY drownings tried to back out, son says: She also posted 'forgive me please for what I'm gonna do' on Facebook

The suicidal mother who loaded her four children into a minivan and drove it into New York's frigid Hudson River announced her plan on Facebook and then reportedly tried to back out at the last second but failed.

Her 10-year-old son, who swam ashore as his mom and three siblings drowned, said his mother told her children, "you're all going to die with me," but then changed her mind and tried, too late, to reverse the van out of the river, according to the woman who found the sopping wet boy.

The Facebook message, obtained by MidHudsonNews.com, was posted on LaShanda Armstrong's page at 7:13 p.m. Tuesday. It read: "I'm so sorry everyone forgive me please for what I'm gonna do.... This Is It!!!!"

Just before 8 p.m., Armstrong put her children into the van and drove into the river. Armstrong and three of the children, boys ages 5 and 2 and an 11-month-old girl, died. Ten-year-old La'Shaun Armstrong escaped.

I especially feel so sorry for that young boy. I hope he gets the counseling and love that he will need to deal with this tragedy.