T - 4 days and I'm stressed out

My stress level is not anywhere near where I was in July, where I literally did not sleep more than three or four hours for four days before the surgery, and then the night before got one hour of sleep. I was so worked up that I couldn't text anyone because the myoclonic tics/spasms I get from stress and lack of sleep were so bad I was double-tapping the phone, and I couldn't text for about four days. Since my roommate had called and not gotten through to people (well, once he got voicemail, and he doesn't leave voicemails--I really should put my friend Brenda in charge of updates), no one knew how I was doing for days.

However, according to my roommate, I'm stressed; he can tell. And my watch yesterday said my stress was moderate to high at times. My tics are back, too, not as severe as they were by any means, but they're there, and I have had very few in the month since the last surgery, where I've been off work and much more relaxed.

I know what to expect. I know it'll most likely be fine. They do a lot of these surgeries, and even though it's a fairly big one, it's become commonplace. But my anxiety is still rearing its big, ugly head. My roommate and I talked a little bit about it over dinner last night, and I do feel better. I promised not to go into 'try to control everyone's actions around me' mode again, because I will get booted to a rehab facility at best or the street at worst if that happens again, he has assured me. I promise nothing under the influence of medication, but I promised to be a model patient otherwise. Last time, while I didn't mean to, I wouldn't listen to people and kept trying to do things my own way, or at least that's how he took it. Actually, it's just that I'm incredibly bad at asking fo help, because in the past I've done so and been made to feel stupid, so I don't want to feel stupid, and so the consequence is I go boldly forward with my own idea and...wind up doing something stupid, because I don't have the information I need, like the aide needs to turn the alarm off the bed before I reach for something at the foot of it, for example. Anyway, my goal is to get through this one smoother in terms of interactions with my friend, who was quite wroth with me last time over that (but who still took very excellent care of me, having been a professional CNA back in the day). Hopefully, the surgery will go well, and the recovery will go just as well on the right as on the left.

I will say that Baptist and Dr. Talwalkar's office has been wonderful. Their protocols did so much for my recovery. The nerve block pump, for example, that I went home with and kept for five days, had me up and moving quicker, so I didn't care that I was on that ROMTech bike three times a day or going to PT the day after being released from the hospital and moving that knee around that much. I just wasn't in a super amount of pain. My pain never exceeded a 7 or maybe an 8 at the worst, which was where I was before the surgery, all the time, pretty much, and mostly stayed about a 5. Recently, it's been a 1-2. I did have an increase in pain when the ROMTech bike started increasing resistance by one minute, and it really made it more difficult for my knee. They videoed in yesterday and asked me how it was going, and I told them I was struggling and was just honest that I was only doing it twice a day and it was hurting. They changed the treatment plan, knocking off two minutes of resistance, saying it was better to do the exercise three times a day at a lower amount of resistance because, while they want to build up strength, moving the knee as much as possible is more important. Next week, the plan will change again; they're going to send me a new code and download a new plan for the post-surgery treatment for the right knee, but he's aware of this, and he said that it would still give me the ability to get more sessions in than I would have been otherwise.

Meanwhile, I'm practising (both in PT and at home), taking stairs on the opposite feet as normal. You know how you go up on your good foot and down on your bad? Well, all my life, my good one has been my right, my bad has been my left. That is about to switch. I have discovered that going up on my left is a matter of strength, and we've been doing strengthening exercises that have helped, and they seem to be working. Going down is another matter. I have trouble with control and making sure I don't fall, and it's harder. So I really need to practice with my quad cane more. I've got a few days here, plus one more PT appointment, before I come home from surgery.

So I'm doing all I can do to be prepared. I've got this. No need to worry, right?

Ah, my life

My insurance set up a session with a behavioural therapist to evaluate me for a wellness/support programme they offer, using life coaches to help with chronic pain, stress, anxiety, and health conditions. We went through my history and medications for an hour on the phone  among other things, she put me through the DASS-21, which measures depression, anxiety, and stress from the last week, as well as a more general health screening algorithm. I've been feeling a little down (it has been a difficult week), but generally feel mostly normal for me. Great news was my anxiety is mild, which is unusual for me and my stress is moderate (normal for me). The scale did kick me out as severe in the depression area. So I probably do not meet the requirements for the programme, and they'll call within 48 hours to let me know plus any alternatives. In the meantime she gave me the new phone number for suicide prevention (988) and told me she the which hospital that handles mental health crises is nearest to me.

Note, I'm not actually suicidal, just depressed, like I have been most of my life. And she caught me on a bad week, one where I found out that I couldn't swing going to my cousin's wedding 9 hours away due to finances and driving anxiety. And I do have a new therapist lined up. But still... I didn't realise I was doing that badly, and I thought this would lead to a seven-week coaching like I did with diabetes last year, and got this result instead. 

I'd like to think that I could write on days other than weekends

But it seems, for now, I'm too tired in the evening.  Here is a re-cap of the last few days:

Thursday, September 27th -- I utterly broke down at work because a mom was not happy that I hade made an appointment at an alternate location since I can't get an MRI at the university until a month after the child was supposed to have it.  Turns out the doctor told her they couldn't have it locally because the university's scanner is so much better.  She was very strident, not necessarily abusive, but it just set me off into a crying fit (it turns out I was also pre-menstrual, so maybe that can explain the sudden lability), and my neighbouring co-worker heard it, had me unlock the door, and talked me into taking a walk and stepping away from the office.  It was a really hard day.  I had over 20 off-sites to schedule (still do, as every time I manage to schedule one about 2-3 more appear in my box).

The university is down to two, maybe one MRI scanner (depending on certain conditions like age, if it's with contrast, etc.) due to some maintenance, and so the other day I managed to get a cervical, thoracic, and lumbar MRI scheduled there--a long scan, easily over 2 hours--but otherwise without any of the constraints I'm normally given (it was originally supposed to coordinate with a brace pickup, but the university was too booked, so they just said any time I could get), and the first available was in the middle of December.  Now in some cases, I do have an alternate place I can go to--the one I scheduled the kid in that caused his mom to go ballistic--and I was given the go ahead to go there for this one, as it's just too far out.  Most of these are supposed to be same day so they can see our doctors then, and they're usually in clinic about two days a week, given that they're in surgery or at the university on other days.  But if I go to the alternate place, I have to clarify a spine survey (a reduced scan) vs a full scan, and all these little details take time, especially since I try at the university first as that's preferred.  And they can't do sedation ones.

Meanwhile, the baby hips are causing me no end of stress.  When we ask for an ultrasound for hip dysplasia, it's usually for treatment, not for diagnosis, and it has to be without manipulation, often in a harness.  These kids are extremely delicate--they can't be moved out of position at all.  The university is the only place in town that does them without manipulation, and they're down three techs.  The requests for these are always the same day, as is our protocol, and usually a week or two weeks out.  I'm struggling to get dates before a month out, and I'm relying on cancellations to get anything scheduled.  There are lots of little things that go into all of this, forms to fill out, faxes or e-mails, calling the centres, calling the parents, rescheduling, usually, as it doesn't suit someone, and then mailing letters, maps, and updating a summary, and sending the form out to a group.  That's just my part.  Then I hand it over to someone else who pre-certifies it.  But this could easily be a more-than-full-time job alone.  And it's just half of what I do--the surgery pre-certs are the main thing, and I"m struggling to get those done ahead of time because of all the time I'm spending on the off-sites.  I tracked the last week of off-sites on a running total to see how many I had a day, how many I got done, etc., whether I ran into any problems.  The one where the mom triggered the crying fit took about three hours total. On a good day--if I only work on off-sites--I can do about seven, or one an hour.  But that's without doing the surgeries at all that day.  Usually, it's two, maybe three.  And they just keep coming.  Plus, they have to be prioritised as they come in, as some are more urgent than others, like ones that are post-surgery the next day, or the baby hips for a week out.  It's causing a lot of stress.

I've already had an episode where I went to the emergency room for hours with chest pains and headache, and they eventually decided I'd had a migraine that was causing numbness and pain down my left arm.  I told that to my neurologist yesterday and he gave me a dissolving medication for migraines.  But I'm sure the whole thing was stress-related.  I'm getting a lot of headaches, have had some gastroenteric issues, and I've been stress eating from the vending machines, so my hA1c jumped from 7.1% a few months ago to 9.0% since I started in June.  I'm going to have to start packing carrots and other healthy foods, as I'm not sure I can curb the urge to eat, but at least I can change what I eat, and my endocrinologist said that was fine.

Friday, September 28th--It was a better day.  Busy, of course.  I started tracking the off-sites at work.  I had 26 that morning and got it down to 19.

Last weekend--my friend, the kitten, and the cat were all sniffly and under the weather.  The dog and I were the only ones fine.  We didn't play the game as a result, but I got a lot of rest, at least.

Work throughout the week--I just sallied forth and did what I could.  Surgeries were mostly done the day before or day of.  I realised late Friday afternoon that I had not sent one, and sent it in.  It may be denied for no timely authorisations (most places don't due retro ones).  That's not acceptable, and I know it, and it most likely will be an issue.  It won't be passed to the family (we are an actual charity, not just a non-profit), but it will cost the hospital money if denied.  So there was stress there.  I didn't think I was doing well, but I didn't think I'd actually drop the ball entirely on one.  So we'll see if they approve it.  I have no illusions that they will.

Tuesday, October 2nd--So I updated my laptop to the Windows 10 October Feature Update.  More on that in a minute.

Wednesday, October 3rd--That evening, I went to do a book review that I hadn't managed to get in by the 1st, and lo, my documents were all gone due to the update.  No one was really reporting on it at the time, just a few things in the fora.  I spent the evening seeing if they had been moved to another area, and I rolled back the update to see if they would appear.  Nada.  Nothing on my desktop, music, or photos had been touched, just my local drive non-cloud documents.  But that included the game notes, my job hunt materials, and my book reviews.  I updated back and at least I have some of that on Dropbox.  The game notes were backed up a month ago, and there are just two sessions I lost, which is good, and those recordings were still on the desktop, thankfully, so I can reconstruct (over several hours).  Most of the important stuff was already backed up.  But I was not happy with Microsoft at all.  I was also up late that night backing up my desktop, where my friend has tens of thousands of documents and pictures that he's collected and created over years, and we unplugged it from the Internet entirely.

Thursday, October 4th--News stories started making the rounds on the tech sites of the data loss issue with the update.  I did find a good tool for trying to recover files, but it only recovered a few non-important files I'd deleted myself, although I did get a book review back.  But either the files I'd had were just absolutely deleted by Microsoft's update, or rolling back--which even now Microsoft is suggesting,--just deleted them beyond recovery.

I did find ways to make sure the desktop didn't get the update (fortunately that machine is Windows 10 Pro, not Home like the laptop, so it's easier.  We were able to plug the computer back in.  It's deferred all updates for a month, and any feature updates for a year.  So we're good for now, hopefully.  But again, despite my best efforts to go to bed early, I was awakened in the middle of the night for a minor crisis and didn't get back to bed till 4 am.

Yesterday--We are officially out of grocery money.  I'm broke in general, my last purchase being a pie for a send-off at work for a co-worker who is moving to a new department.  It's going to be a very lean week until I get paid.

Today--I got some good sleep last night, and woke up to sun streaming through the window, and the cat, who'd really been struggling with the crud, obviously doing much better.  I got up, got some water, took my medicine, and played with the kitten with a laser pointer, although I have to be careful because while he's up to playing, he's still got a little breathing issue from the crud he had.

Okay, that's it for now.  Sorry I haven't blogged.  Today is the library, pet food run, book review, and working on the notes, plus going over to our sick friend's for a visit and maybe a movie tonight.

New month, new attempt to blog more often

My friend is in the shower. We're going to go pick up my insulin and then go to Masala, a local Indian restaurant, to celebrate his birthday, which was this week. It's the buffet. I hope they have gulab jaman--they don't always, but I shall content myself with naan, pakora, and the rest if not.

I had a scare the other day, on Monday. I was working at the computer and slowly realised that my face was growing numb, as well as my arm. At first I just thought it was my posture along with a pinched nerve from my neck, but I couldn't get it to let up at all and then I started having chest pains, starting from the heart area and going towards my left arm, and my shoulder and jaw ached terribly. Afraid to cause an issue (I know, good Southern girls probably drop dead rather than cause a scene), I called my friend, who used to be a nursing assistant, and he pointed out I was in a hospital with plenty of nurses to take my blood pressure. I had it taken by the lady whose cubicle is across from my office, who is acting as the employee health nurse right now, and it was a little high for me 135/85, but not dangerously high. Still, she offered to take me to the emergency room, and I asked her to take me to St. Joseph. She got the car and we left. She couldn't stay but dropped me off. They took me back for an EKG and bloodwork relatively quickly. I had a headache too, which I didn't really notice too much at first (I get a lot of them), and I was a little dizzy, so they got me a wheelchair. I sat for a while after the triage. I didn't realise it but I was a little confused, at one point realising that I didn't exactly remember the ride over (though I did later), and about two hours in remembered to tell them that I was on a beta blocker, which might be an issue if I were having heart issues.

Once I finally got into a room, a gown, and a bed, the nurse came in and took a history. I explained my symptoms, as well as a headache, which was getting terrible. They took me for a CT scan of the head (I'd already had a chest x-ray) and put me back in the room, and I stayed there a long time. One nurse came in and put me on a monitor (they hadn't, probably because I had come in during shift change), and then took some more blood. There was more waiting, but she'd gotten my phone out of my bag for me, so I ran it down to about 2% battery touching base with my friend and posting on Facebook. Eventually, the doctor came in for a couple of minutes. Everything was negative. They took a while to discharge me. A co-worker came and got me and took me to my car, which was over at UK, which was a blessing, as it's a long walk, and I'd been there almost six hours by the time I got out, so it was dark. They didn't know exactly what caused the 'unspecified' chest pain. I appears I had a migraine, and I hadn't thought I had had one in quite some time, but looking at symptoms that come with migraines, it could explain the dizziness I've been having on and off, as I have had quite a few headaches, just not the standard light-sensitive ones I used to have. Also, one type of aura for a migraine involves numbness and tingling in the arms, especially the left one. So that may have been part of it. They gave me some info on migraines, unspecified chest pain, and paresthesia, and sent me home. Thank goodness I've met my out-of-pocket expenses for the year in terms of health insurance.

So it all came down to nothing, but I'm glad I got checked out. But it was a little scary. I think a lot of it was stress, and had the equivalent to 4 1/2 cups of coffee in caffeine that day, via soda. So that could have been part of it. I've cut back on that. The job has been very stressful the last few weeks (I had 20 off-sites to schedule at one point last week--I have 5 now, most from the last couple of days). It's put me a little behind on my surgery authorizations in terms of time I usually get them in. But I keep chugging along. I didn't think I felt particularly anxious that day, but maybe I was somatizing instead.

Okay, I'm going to go now. I'm going to try to write more often, shooting for daily. I consider it a stress reliever.

Sorry I've been so sporadic lately

On Tuesday someone called in, and instead of working till 1 pm and going to pulmonary rehab, I cancelled my appointment and stayed till 5:30 pm. I wound up eating out of vending machines because I didn't bring my lunch. But by the time I got home at 8, after getting A and taking him home, I could barely drive, I was so tired. We had an extremely busy day, and were three people short. It is amazing to me how tired I get, even though it's not physically hard, but it's intense mental juggling, not only when you're trying to check someone out, but with all the follow up with so many people there is. So I was in bed Tuesday by 8:30 and slept and slept till it was time to do it all over again. I got up a little early this morning and took A to work and grabbed a few things at Kroger so I'd have breakfast and lunch today.

It was still busy today, but a steady busy where you're not pulled in too many directions at once. I had a headache again, but not as bad as Tuesday, when I felt my brains are about to leak out of my head. Things quieted down by 4 pm and I was able to catch up on phone calls and emails. After work I took A briefly somewhere and did a grocery run for a friend who hadn't slept for two days. Then I came home, ate, and slept from 8:30 pm to 1:30 am. I took my meds and now I'm heading back to bed, trying to get up a little early to deal with the trash and the recyclables, which are threatening to overtake things in my little apartment.

Okay, I'm going to sign off. Have a good night!

So it's been a difficult few days

Lots of stress, lots of little things, lots of running around, lots of phone calls. I won't go into all of it, but suffice to say most of it it financial, and things should get better in the next few days, and in the meantime I'm moving heaven and earth trying not to overdraw my bank account.

And, although the game was very good Sunday, and it was a particularly difficult adventure that the game master really had to rework, I lost a character. Now most of you who roleplay do short bouts of adventures, with a dungeon crawl here, or a single story, and then things happen and sometimes your character gets killed, and you roll up another and go on. But when you play an ongoing story, in which the characters take on life, for nearly twenty-six years, you get a little attached to them, and it kind of bums you out for a day or two. In all the time I've been playing Call of Cthulhu, I've lost three characters. One was stomped on by Shub-Niggurath and became toe-jam, just two months after she had a baby. The second was a guy who sacrificed himself in Antarctica to save the world (and a beloved non-player character), and I felt very good about that one, really, and hadn't been playing him very long at all. This one I've played for about 5-7 years; she had a baby 10 months ago in game time, and was killed by being cooked from the inside out when she missed her saving throw by none other than Nyarlathotep himself. I suppose I should be honoured by the fact that I've had characters killed mainly by major manifestations, but it still hurts. Also, the woman's husband had to be killed because he was turning into a Cthulhoid thing (and he was already a necromancer), just mere hours before her death. So the child is an orphan, though fortunately the family curse was thwarted, and he will not be doomed for all time.

You've got to love Lovecraftian roleplaying.

On the good side, I had no less than three characters on this adventure, and one was my very first character--the one I've been playing for 26 years or so--the one who usually survives by going insane, getting pregnant--she actually spent two game years inside Yog-Sothoth. If that's not devotion to avoiding death and mayhem, I don't know what is.

In this one adventure--'The Burning Stars'--we had seven characters (two for Brenda, three for me, and two non-player characters). Two went insane, two died, one barely survived having her heart squeezed by a spell by Nyarlathotep, and one was left standing to hike back into Port-au-Prince (we were in Haiti) to find help. That was the one who'd been around all these years, and she had an interesting discussion with Nyarly (as we call him) where she was basically tired and mourning and wasn't up to being terribly afraid of him. Of course, she should be.

So I was down a little yesterday, kind of glum, actually. Today I feel better. Of course, I also had my rehab today and did lots of exercise, worked harder than I had, did my breathing exercises, and wound up pushing myself into the beginning of an asthma attack, so I had to use my inhaler. But things are improving on that front. I'm still holding at about 7 lbs short of where I was a month ago and 16 lbs short of my all-time high. So it's helping with that, as well.

Okay, I think I will go do some things around the house. I need to call in the air conditioner and our bimonthly pest control visit is Thursday, and those dishes aren't going to wash themselves (more's the pity).

I will not scream, I will not scream

When you have to remind yourself that most of your situation is out of your control, it is better to breathe than scream, and it will all be sorted in the end, so just do what you can, call a calming friend, pray to your Goddess, and go do dishes, because *that* you can control.

On the plus side, I applied for another job today, at the Lexmark library (which is apparently staffed by UK). That's five active applications since the last week in March, and a non-librarian one that looks to be a good fit to apply for before May 1st. Here's hoping one of them will pan out soon.

Okay

Serious question: with the job loss and everything else happening lately, I've had a lot of stress, which I thought I was dealing with, but I tend to 'deal' with stress by pushing it down and having somatic issues where I express it as bodily pain, plus I get anxiety that just builds and I want to just curl up in a ball and shut out the world. I need to learn better coping skills. How do you deal with releasing your stress in a healthy way? Exercise helps some, and I'm working towards being able to do that better. Meditation sounds great, but I find that to be difficult. What other activities would you suggest?

I should be doing laundry tonight, but

I've been letting the stress of life really get to me lately; things have been harder than normal with the impending job loss and half a dozen different stressors knocking at my door. Two separate people asked me how I was doing today. I'm having a bit of a breakdown. I know it. I'm not coping with the stress in some misguided belief that I won't have to keep dealing with things, according to my best friend, and I think he's right. That's my messed up brain chemistry trying to cope ineffectively. I'm slipping into the depressive side of my Bipolar Disorder II, after a long remission, and I recognise that I'm on the cusp of relapse. I see my counselor Monday and my doctor in twelve days, so perhaps they can adjust my therapy and/or medication. But in the meantime, I'm going to take a hot bath, take the night off to try to relax, and get some rest, because that's the first step to meeting stress full-on rather than just curling up in a ball and hoping it goes away.

Feeling a little better

I went to my counseling session yesterday evening, and I feel much better and have some ideas for reducing my stress levels, taking care of the things that I can take care of, and trying to let go of the things I can't. The hoarding issue can wait a little; I've got to get a handle on how I feel, the panic I've been under lately. Meanwhile, my friend YKWIA and I have had several discussions, and he's right, I let things build up over and over again, only to blow up emotionally and melt down. There's actually an analogy he mentioned, taken from Transactional Analysis and entered into popular psychology, where you 'save up stamps' like people used to do when they went to the grocery store. Unlike the prizes that you could get through the stores, this allows you to save up until you're ready to blow, and all the little issues justify the blow up. Of course, if the person does so around someone else, that's really not fair to the other person, and that's what happened the other day. I've been so busy keeping things together in other arenas, like work, that I let go around someone I felt comfortable with, and caused an issue.

So, I obviously need to work on my emotions and on taking a proactive, not reactive role in meeting problems head on rather than letting things pile up. It's like emotionally I'm doing the same thing as my house--pushing the stuff around, at best, not dealing with it, and then it piles up and causes me problems.

My mom, who had been back in the hospital, seems to be on the mend, so that's one stressor down for now. Work is going well in general, although the end of that run is quickly approaching, and I'm having a lot of anxiety over that. My counselor made some suggestions for the running to appointments issue as well, some alternate means of transportation that we need to find since when I find another job, I will 1) not have PTO to burn at all and 2) most places will not be as understanding about my taking someone I'm technically not related to around to various appointments. So we need to find a good alternative. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Our local partnership between the local bus system and the Red Cross, Wheels, is apparently meant to be a transient service when a person is getting used to being disabled. I'm going to check out a service called ITN, which my counselor suggested, as it is more of a subscription-to-ride sort of service, and can take him anywhere in town, not just doctors and grocery stores. But it's meant for seniors and those with certain disabilities, so he may not qualify. Oh, and Uber and Lyft are not tenable, as you need a smartphone for that, and he doesn't even have a cell phone. Cabs are prohibitively expensive and, in our town, rather unreliable.

So there's that. In the meantime, I'm doing some things to try to get things back on an even keel. I'm trying to get more rest (although I only got about three hours' sleep last night because I made the mistake of taking a cold medicine with pseudoephedrine in it, and couldn't sleep after 2 am). I'm reading or at least listening to an audiobook for at least 30 minutes a day, possibly longer. I'm still making my way through The Cave and the Light: Plato versus Aristotle and the Struggle for the Soul of Western Tradition by Arthur Herman. I just finished chapter 18 out of 31. They are long chapters, and of course the material is rather dense, although not exceedingly so. But each chapter lasts about 50 minutes of recording. So I'm doing half a chapter to a chapter a day.

I've also exercised a little. Last week I spent some time on the exercise bike in our fitness room at the apartment complex, then walked on the treadmill--not for long, but enough to get a start. Tonight I'm doing laundry in the same building, and they have Wi-Fi, so I'm writing this from the laundry room, but before sat down to the computer I put my laundry in the washers (three loads!) and then went over and biked for a few minutes and then tried the elliptical, which I do not know if I am coordinated enough for that. I lasted three minutes total on the elliptical. 1) I have a tendency to go backwards, and 2) it's not supposed to hurt my knees, but does, mainly, I suspect, because I don't use my knees correctly enough. I bend at the back rather than my knees (yes, I know that's bad) because I have hard problems with my knees since I was a teenager. I also have to be careful if I stop with the elliptical because it practically throws me off. I'm glad no one was in there. But I'll keep trying, anyway. I'm also using Habitica, which I've mentioned before, to help with the stress-reduction, reading, and de-cluttering. I reached level 121 as a mage and have used the Orb of Rebirth so that I have been 'reborn', so I'm a level 9 warrior at the moment. I think I'll stay a warrior this time; you can work your way through all the classes, including rogue and healer. It really is helping, though, and I'm questing with others, which keeps us accountable and more likely to take care of our daily tasks. In other words, it's helping with my resolutions to de-stress and de-clutter my life.

Okay, I promised a friend who doesn't have a computer that I'd upload his résumé and help him apply for a job listing. Time to be productive. Have a good night.

Naan and popcorn for dinner

Technically I do have basmati rice to go with some prepackaged Indian food  and some pasta and sauce,  but both of then require boiling the rice or pasta.  I don't feel like even doing that amount of cooking,  small as it is. And I'm not very hungry. I'm starting a cold--sore throat, headache,  runny nose,  cough,  achiness,  and wheezing.  I have some Mucinex,  some Stahist,  Ricola, two kinds of cough syrup--all left over from May's bronchitis--some ibuprofen,  and the Albuterol for the nebulizer (which I just used). That should help.

I went to counseling tonight and while we didn't tackle hoarding,  which I've barely worked on with all that's been going on,  we did discuss my stress levels and how to bring them down so I can cope. I feel better as a result,  although I'll have to do  proactive things to improve my stress that will war with my need to do everything.

So now I'm listening to Pandora,  drinking water,  and eating just a little.  I have some things to do tonight,  but right now I'm taking some time to myself. I need it.  I also want to read (or at least listen to my audiobook),  go online and help a friend apply for a job,  and pick a chore to work on that is small but will help with the house.  Actually, I may just create a plan,  given my schedule for the week.  I have a list of what I need to do,  but I need to assign times so I'll actually do them.

Okay,  back to Pandora.  I may write later.  If not,  have a good night.

Obviously I've been having a rough time

and last night I was actually the furthest down I've been in years. Too much stress, probably weird hormones, and funky brain chemistry are conspiring to make me less resilient than usual. Ironically, I started back at the Family-to-Family class that I've taken and taught, this time as a resource person, and I'm finding that maybe my friends should be taking it rather than me, because I seem to be having issues and it's hard, maybe, to be around me just now. This is the first time I've actually been on the laptop rather than my phone in quite some time, attempting to write something a little more substantial than I have lately.

Stressors the last few weeks have been:

1. I'm losing my job as of March 31st. I have an entire library to shut down before then. I've been applying and interviewing, and it's becoming desperate.
2. My mom's been very sick. She's back in a center right now that will hopefully get her back home, but it involves a lot of ups and downs.
3. I've had appointments or places to drive to (either for me or for my friends) almost every day for at least six weeks. On the rare days that I haven't been busy, I've been so tired, I crashed.
4. I'm very low on personal time off as a result, and while my bosses have been very understanding, I've been short on my pay at a time when my finances have been difficult.
5. I really need to get my brakes fixed on the car, and don't have an emergency fund to tap into. Friends can help, but my half is taking awhile to gather, and I'm already behind on bills.
6. I've been trying to be there for months for a friend who has been going through a very difficult time, but I don't have any other real network of my own to help me when I get overwhelmed.
7. I'm going through perimenopause and have had some issues as a result, and a possible cancer scare, and my health in general has suffered over the last few weeks, because my eating and diabetes care has become more haphazard, and I always seem to be running somewhere. If I sleep, I sleep poorly, and usually no more than four or five hours, because I'm trying to make up hours, get things done, take care of all the things I feel I should

So last Sunday, I broke, and finally told my friend that while I wanted to help out, I hated doing my Sunday cleaning list every week. So he said I don't have to do it anymore. Seems good, hmm? No, because now he feels like he can't rely on me at all, I think, and it also means that he had declared that I can't do any of those things for him any more, and he's not really up to doing them at the moment. So I feel like I let him down. Funny, he always quotes the phrase, 'the truth shall set you free', but I don't feel that way at all. I should be happy that after fifteen years or more of coming over on Sundays and cleaning for five to six hours, that I should be relieved. I feel unwanted and miserable. He actually referred to me as the lady who took him to appointments, and I felt like that meant that was all I was to him, after nearly thirty years of friendship. I may be reading stuff into it, but I know he's unhappy with me, and he's pretty much my world. I've focused my life around him for decades. And I'm seeing that as a major problem. I've never found the balance of living my life and being there as a friend, too. And with all the stuff going on in my life lately, everything--my emotions, my housework, my handle on my health--have totally fallen apart. I feel like such a screwup. I'm not sure where I even start putting things back together. But here's what I'm trying to do:

1. Exercise helps stress. I did some earlier this week in our fitness centre at home. But I have to do it very early to be assured I can get it in, and that cuts in on my sleep a bit.
2. I'm trying to sleep for at least six or seven hours, shooting for eight.
3. I'm trying to read (a pleasurable activity I enjoy greatly, and stimulating) at least 30 minutes a day, including listening to audio recordings of books being read.
4. I'm trying to be better about checking my blood sugar, taking my meds, and eating, using a couple of applications to keep track of meals, glucose, medicine, etc.
5. I'm going to try to write more. Writing is a release for me; I've gotten out of the habit, and while my days are not always fascinating reading, it helps to put the words down of what happens and how I'm feeling.
6. I'm going to try to spend time with my friend doing things that are fun for both of us, and help him without sacrificing my own needs.
7. I'm going to see if I can move up my appointment with my psychiatrist, which is three weeks away.
8. I'm going to work on small discrete projects, like taking down the tree (no, I haven't begun to do that, yet), laundry, watering plants, cleaning the bathroom, etc.
9. I"m going to try to breathe and enjoy life as much as I can right now. Because the last few weeks, I haven't been living so much as reacting to problems that arise in life.

It's a start, I guess.

It's been a very rough start to 2017

My mom is back in the hospital. She spent six days in a rehabilitation centre, fell, showed major confusion, and wound up back in the university's emergency room. Thursday we had our first snow, which, while minor, wreaked havoc with the roads, followed by single digit and low teen temperatures. It took me two and a half hours to go from work, make a quick stop at Kroger, pick up A, take him home, and then go home myself. I got home about 7 pm. My stepfather barely got back to Danville, as I think they had more snow. That night, my mom's potassium was very high and they wanted someone there who was family, because they had to put in a central line and put her through dialysis to get it down, so about 10:30 pm I went over there, and she was coherent and awake, and we talked, and despite the fact that she was very sick and in the hospital, had a good visit. At one point there was a problem with the central line and they asked me to step out of the room for about 15 minutes, which stretched to an hour. I was in a small waiting/consultation room, and it was dim and quiet, and I nearly fell asleep. I finally got to go back in, and stayed a little while. But by 2 am, I'd been up for 22 hours straight and was afraid I wouldn't be able to drive home on the nasty roads if I stayed much longer. So I headed on home and went straight to bed, got about four hours' sleep, and went to work. I was struggling all day to stay awake. On Friday night I picked A up from where YKWIA was helping him job hunt. I took him home, and went and visited my mom in the observation area. But whe mostly slept, and when she id waken briefly, she didn't know I was there. The nurse did get her to drink her medicine, but beyond that she was unresponsive. I came on home about 11 pm and was very discouraged. My stepfather and I texted back and forth about DNRs and letting go. I updated my aunts. That sort of thing. I was pretty down.

Today I spent most of the day doing errands with friends, and instead of going over to visit my mom, I told my stepfather (who'd come over to find her awake and doing much better) that I would visit in the morning. I then proceeded to crash for four hours. I got up after 8:30, went to Kroger for a few things, where the checkout lane totally shut down and wouldn't scan, so we moved to another lane, and then I somehow didn't get a bag of bread, an apple, and bananas home with me, so I guess it got lost in the shuffle. :(

I feel stressed and anxious. I'm sad and angry and conflicted; the way my mom has bounced back and forth to various extremes is heart-wrenhxhibg. I've had a lot of responsibilities lately, a lot of appointments both for myself and YKWIA and I've been doing some extra projects at work, so I've been going in early. I think last night, when I slept for 8 hours, wa the most I've slept in over a month and a half. I've been averaging 4-5 hours a night, and it's been very broken sleep.

I should work on the house, which is reflecting all the inner emotions right now. Instead, I'm trying to calm myself down by listening to the Bastille Pandora station. It isn't helping. I feel bad for not seeing my mom today, although the rest did help a little.

A is going to call me later so I can pick him up at work by 1 am. BUt I think I may take some time to rest some more. I'm just not up to anything else, right now. Hope your new year is off to a better start.

It's been almost a week since I've posted

I think this is the longest I've gone in years.  But now I'm hot and up in the middle of the night and not sleeping at all,  so it seemed a good time to check in.

Almost every aspect of my life is going well this week.  I found another job to apply for.  I helped a friend through a difficult week.  I was productive at work and managed to work extra to offset an appointment without using PTO. Brenda is back in the area and can give me a ride Thursday to my procedure. I'm a little nervous about having it,  but I'm relieved she'll be there.

But I look around the house and I can tell--stress has been insidious. I'm not to the tipping point yet,  but I'm close. And there's one main reason. I've been sad and worried about my mother,  and unable to get to her.  I have a message in to my  stepfather to see if there is a way he could come get me either day this weekend so I can see her for a few hours.  It's not looking good.  It may be my last chance. With the car like it is right now,  I could easily get stranded if I try to go on my own.  I don't have enough money to fix it or to rent a car. I looked into it,  as well as a transport service between Danville and Lexington. Thirty-five miles has never seemed so long a way. I feel like a failure. My mother and I are not close like we used to be,  and there is a lot of baggage from the past.  But I just want to see her and say goodbye. Hopefully I'll hear back from John tomorrow.

:(

It's amazing

how hungry you can get when you're told you can't eat for a few hours. Today I had a chest CT scan with contrast, and couldn't eat for four hours prior to the test. Fortunately, the imaging centre is very close to my apartment, so I came home and am having a peanut butter and fruit sandwich with some vegetarian baked beans, and plenty of water.

This has been a very rough week in terms of scheduling my friend's and my appointments so they don't interfere with my work. My relative is doing better, although still in the hospital; her husband texted a picture of her to me today, and that was nice. I now face a very difficult decision--do I drive an hour away to see her, visit, and then return, or do I take care of some things that have been on the back burner and basically regroup and get recharged while I have some time tomorrow? If I get up very early, I might be able to do both, but I think that would be pushing it. I haven't been taking care of myself very well of late, something I'm trying to get back to doing.

In the meantime I'm going to take a friend to get some furnace filters and leaf bags (in Lexington, leaves and other yard waste must go in either big paper bags or the Lenny (yes, we name our trash receptacles here, there's also Herbie and Rosie) container, which fills up pretty easily, although it is pretty large. I also going to try to do some laundry over there, as I missed it last Sunday and didn't manage to do it any of the rest of the week, either, and I'm kind of down to very little cool weather clothes--although it was fairly warm today, in the high 40s, low 50s.

I think I'm going to lie down for about a half-an-hour nap, then stop by the grocery store briefly and go over there. I should still be there before the friend I'm taking shopping gets home.

Oh...ow...

Earlier this evening I hurt my neck, and spasms have gone down all the way to my lower back. At first I could barely move it at all. Now I'm mostly okay when going to the left, but moving it to the right sends pain through the muscles of the neck and down into my back. I was having pain and a little numbness in my foot and hand on the left side earlier; now I'm not sure. I did come home and immediately took a very low dose of tizanidine, a muscle relaxer, and half a Percocet that I had left over from my knee surgery last year. I almost never take anything stronger than ibuprofen or acetaminophen, but the pain was the type that took your breath away. I am having trouble bending down at all, because the spasms went down to my lower back and it's messed up as well. The midback muscles are tight and the pain reaches around to right under the shoulders into the sides and even into my pectoral muscles on the chest. So I'm pretty stiff and while not in the pain I was, I still hurt. I have cervical degenerative disc disease anyway, which translates to bulging discs in my neck, and my neck curvature is opposite of what it's supposed to be, on a straight and J-shaped spine rather than the normal S-curve. So it's easy to make it worse. If I still feel bad tomorrow, I'll try to get in to my doctor's office for an evaluation.

I laid down about 7 pm and woke up just before midnight, feeling pretty decent until I moved. Apparently in that time I moved over to my left side and got my pillow back (I had been keeping my neck straight on the mattress). When I moved to my right side, it was a different story. I went ahead and got up. I'm eating a breakfast sandwich and thought I'd post on my week so far. I know I haven't really done much writing the last few days. Sorry about that. Sunday was the game, of course, and I don't normally write then because, well, I'm usually pretty tired afterwards, especially when we play late, which we did, till about 9:30, and I got home around 10:30 pm, so I'd been over there about 13 and a half hours, and we played about seven.

I think I mentioned that I was feeling overwhelmed at work. If not, let me do so now. I'm working three positions in a standard 40-hour work week, and I'm non-exempt, meaning I clock in and out and should not have overtime. On Monday morning I was in scheduling from 9 am-noon, had lunch, and then my temporary boss asked me to come back from 2-3 pm since a couple of people were leaving at 2. I did so, but wound up there till 3:45 pm. Then I desperately started tackling the backlog of charge sheets I had to enter. I usually work on the same day or maybe the day after at the most. Monday I was working on a giant stack from last Wednesday, where we'd had a very crazy busy clinic. I couldn't work down a list like usual because it had been more than the same day or the day before, so I had to look each encounter up by financial number, which slowed me down, and also, some numbers had been punched through and I had to look them up by medical record number instead, which further slowed me down.

My regular boss came by to ask me about the referral queue, which normally has about 7 or so encounters on it in a 10-day period at the beginning of the week, and had 65 or so this time. I simply have not been able to work it down, and it has crept up each week that I've worked in scheduling, then jumped up this past week, with all the charge sheets I got. He found me sitting there attempting to get through my giant stack of charges, and we wound up having a long talk about how it's affecting my work. I was very candid. I also admitted that I'm not particularly assertive, and probably shouldn't have agreed to help extra when I was so far behind, but I hadn't expected to be there for almost an additional hour. I also told him that I've been having to use almost every moment I'm not in scheduling to try to keep up with the revenue cycle job. I'm even further behind on the library; I've done a few interlibrary loans and troubleshot the copiers or helped others with the computers, but otherwise, no, I haven't been doing much to keep the library going. I have a large stack of books that are stacked up about four feet tall behind my desk. I need to put out new journals, and have two large stacks of them. There are some donated books I was going to put out but haven't. The clinical early literacy programme cart hasn't been filled--that sort of thing. And I told him all this.

On Tuesday, I went in early and was finally able to, between the hour and a half I had in the quiet of the morning and then being able to work between phone calls in scheduling, I was able to get through Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday's charges, then picked up Monday's and did them. I also worked on the monthly audit, various reports, and caught up on the OR charge reconciliation. My temporary boss came by and we talked for awhile. Instead of working three days and 12-15 hours a week over in scheduling, we decided I wouldn't come in on Wednesday, and then each Friday for the next three weeks we'd decide on one day for me to come by and help depending on my schedule and workload and their clinic numbers and staffing. In about three weeks, they'll have more information about when or if the person I'm sitting in for will return, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt a lot better after I talked to her.

Today I went in and really hit the referral queue, and got some of it down. I'll do more tomorrow. I did the normal OR reconciliation (I do it every day, normally). I did the rest of the sheets from yesterday and the ones they had for today by about 2 pm. Then at 3:30 I needed to leave for a doctor's appointment. I went to it, got some refill prescriptions for my psych meds, and then went to the pharmacy and picked up a friend's medication. I went over there briefly, at which point the neck injury happened, and I came on home. Which bring us back around to the present. Tomorrow I hope to really bring the referral queue down, especially by Friday, as a report is run Monday. If I can do that, I'll be in better shape. The plan is to totally catch up and then be in good shape for when I go to Chicago later in the month, as I'll miss two days.

Did I mention my itinerary for the Chicago trip? I think I may have. Anyway, I fly out of Lexington at 6 am on a Thursday to Atlanta, with an hour and a half to navigate through that nightmare of an airport, and then into Chicago O'Hare, travel by train to the Medical District, check into the hotel, and go to the meeting. The next day I leave the hotel, go by train to Midway, and then fly to Detroit, where I have an hour and a half layover, before getting into Lexington about 3 pm. So I'll be doing a lot of travelling, and I'll travel four states, five airports, that sort of thing, all for a four-hour meeting. :) Ah, well. I saw the forecast for Chicago that went right up to my trip, and it looks like it'll be in the upper 40s, low 50s while I'm there, although I don't know the rain chance yet--the day before is 20%. I did e-mail them today about the hotel--I hadn't heard anything yet, but they've reserved the block of rooms but are waiting for the confirmations from the hotel, so all is well. Tomorrow I need to e-mail the Kentucky Medical Library Association to get their input before the trip (they have a meeting on the 10th, and while I can't make it to Louisville, will attempt to join the meeting remotely), and also I need to ask them if they want me to continue being the state representative to this committee now that the University of Chicago at Illinois is in its last year of a five-year contract, or if they'd like to appoint someone else in the upcoming cycle. I've really enjoyed being able to participate and the travel has been wonderful, as I never have had a travel budget at work, have never gone to a major conference, that sort of thing. I did miss one year, the 2012 meeting, when I got hit by the car and broke my ankle, but I've been to Chicago now three times, and I'm about to go again. Last time I was able to stay an extra day at my own expense and experience a little more of the town, including going to the Field Museum. I can't do that this time, but still, I'm looking forward to it (although maybe not that many airports!) And this time I can mark Michigan off of the number of states I've been to. :) I think that makes just over half. Anyway, I'm grateful for the opportunity, but someone else might want a chance to do it, and it would be a good time to change, since either UIC or someone else will start the new contract cycle next year.

Okay, I think I'm going to go on back to bed. It's been an hour of sitting and I'm hurting a little. Good night!

Back to normal--

or at least, back to normal for me. The medication kicked in and I got some rest. I had a little trouble getting up this morning, but I felt better than I have in days and got a lot accomplished. Today and tomorrow are my catch up day for the library and all those little tasks I have for the revenue cycle aspect of my job.

Earlier I took a friend to our family doctor and went to the allergist myself (which was, fortunately, across the street from his appointment). I got a good report from the allergist and was able to start my allergy shots back up, only having to take a few steps down to a lower phial. But I'll build my way back up fairly quickly, she said. I'm going to try to go tomorrow and get another shot, as there's no harm in doing them one day after the other, but I have to go to the pharmacy, too, so we'll see if I have time for both. I think I will, anyway. Afterwards we got some food at Taco Bell (a much better experience than last time), went over to his house, and we watched an episode of 'Scream Queens' on Hulu and ate. Later, we watched 'Heroes Reborn'. Then I came home right before the UK-Auburn football game let out, yay, and got home just in time to see the final score (a close game overall, but Auburn won). UK has not had a Thursday night game since 1939, and they had much to do to make it run smoothly as far as traffic is involved, especially after the Luke Bryan Farm Tour concert that left Tates Creek road a virtual parking lot for hours on end, just a bit ago.

Okay, I'm sleepy, and it's time for bed--my phone application has told me so. I'm going to sign off. Good night.

Feeling not quite real tonight

It's called depersonalisation, and it is something that you see in Bipolar II. I think I'm reacting to the stress of working three jobs at work, and also I realised that in addition to being off my ADD medicine for a few days while I found the prescription and the pharmacy ordered it, I also missed my Abilify, which is used to treat my bipolar disorder. Apparently when I filled my medicine reminder box last, I ran out of those, and forgot to replace them. I think I've missed 3-4 days. Not good. I still have had my other medicine, but still, the Abilify really helps keep me on an even keel, and I feel a bit depressed, and not quite with it. Moreover, I feel just disengaged from my surroundings, like I'm viewing myself from the outside. Inside I feel numb tonight. I went ahead and took my medicine a little while ago, and I'll be back on track tomorrow, so hopefully this feeling will go away. Tomorrow will be a busy day (catching up in the library, and I have several things to work on for the revenue cycle, plus taking a friend to the doctor and going to my own allergist across the street from one another in the late afternoon). But it shouldn't be as bad as the last three days have been in terms of patient volume, and I won't be in scheduling itself, although I have to followup on some scheduling issues. The last three days, when I've left work, my brain has felt nearly like mush, I've had headaches, and I just had so much trouble switching gears to my other tasks. That might be a lack of medicine, too, especially the Strattera, the ADD medication. But I think a lot of it is trying to figure out where I am and what I'm doing at any given moment: I have two desks, three long distance codes, three greetings for answering the phones, three bosses, etc., etc., and I do a pretty decent job of wearing all the hats and doing my job, but I'm feeling increasingly overwhelmed by it all, and I don't know how long this arrangement will be going on. Don't get me wrong--it's not terrible. The phones weren't even that busy today, given how busy we were in clinic, and most of my responsibility over there is rescheduling and scheduling appointments over the phone. But I can tell, after about a month, it's taking a toll. I'm terribly behind on my referrals and the library stuff this week. I don't feel like I'm keeping all the balls in the air as I juggle. Maybe I can catch up before the end of day Friday. But I feel a bit like a hamster in a wheel at the moment, and it's maybe more stress than I'm comfortable with. I'm not saying I can't handle it, I'm just not very comfortable with it.

A very stressful day

And I'm glad it's almost over. We were very busy in scheduling and I spent three hours glued to the phone except when I was at checkout,  and that was weird because I scheduled someone,  sent them on their merry way,  and then couldn't complete the scheduling because the order was changed midstream while I was scheduling.  There were also several complex appointments,  too,  like two doctors,  with multiple tests or images,  all for one patient/encounter. I am certainly not a pro at this,  yet.

Afterwards,  I left over lunch and got a friend and dropped him off at an appointment,  went back to work,  ate lunch while I worked,  and then got him again when he was finished,  went back to work,  finished up what I needed to do,  left for the day,  took him to pick up some medicine,  visited for awhile,  and came home.  Each time I went out,  I got caught in the rain,  the first time in an actual downpour,  because I thought my umbrella was in the office, and I was wrong,  and the other times because it was sprinkling when I left the library,  but raining harder by the time I got outside. Apparently,  I refuse to learn.

When I got home,  I really wanted pizza,  but there were no good deals and I decided to be fiscally responsible and also diabetically responsible. I had a sandwich and went through my Facebook feed and blogged,  and then I was delighted to find I had some sugar-free dark chocolate pudding I'd forgotten about,  so that was a plus.

Now I'm in the bedroom with the lights low,  Loreena McKennitt singing on Pandora through the Roku box on the TV,  and I'm in comfy shorts and a tank top,  and I'm going to relax for awhile.  If I don't blog anymore tonight,  good night.  Tomorrow will be more scheduling,  plus I have an optometrist appointment in the evening and a book review due. But as Scarlett put it,  'Tomorrow is another day.'

I have an early appointment tomorrow

for my annual checkup with the podiatrist who did my ankle surgery a few years ago--he now follows me for my diabetes in terms of any foot issues. I just got home, and I paid my cell phone bill after getting into some comfy clothes. I'm off work tomorrow because I have the appointment, some cleaning to do, primarily in the bedroom, and then I'm meeting a friend who lives in Harrodsburg at the 127 junction with the Bluegrass Parkway and bringing her and one of her friends up to something we're doing tomorrow afternoon with friends. Then later we're going to go to Masala and eat. :) I've been saving what I can to make sure I can get some vegetable korma and some Peshawari naan. Yum.

I've been feeling a little oversensitive and stressed today, probably because it's my time of the month. I had a full schedule with work and then two appointments that were right after one another. I was late for mine, despite leaving at a reasonable time from work, hitting every red light I could. Then I waited about 10 minutes in line to be checked in. I was lucky to catch the doctor just before he left. Then I had to get across town to YKWIA's house, pick him up, and take him downtown for his appointment, which we managed to do, only being about 5 minutes late. I think I spent most of the time he was in there just calming down. Later, at his house, I helped A with something, and then fixed YKWIA some food and watched an episode of 'Lost Girl' with him. He sent me to the store for a few things, and then I came home. So it's been a productive, if stressful, day.

I really should make some bread tonight, but I think I'll wait on that. Tomorrow for lunch I can make pasta or macaroni and cheese, and then there's Indian food tomorrow night. So I'm set tomorrow. It's after that I'm worried about. The coming week before payday is going to be very difficult, but I'll make it. I sent in the income-based repayment plan application to my student loan servicer today, and that should help things. I'm hoping once my payments resume that I'll wind up with a payment date in the latter part of the month. Part of the problem I've been having is too much has been due at the same time as my rent, and I simply haven't had the money to spend. The IBR should bring my payment down from more than I make a month to something doable. I'm glad I was able to get some help from them; I really thought I was going to go into default.

Okay, I should go on to bed since tomorrow comes early.

PS I've been listening to that playlist some more at home and at work. I'm up to the S's, with 'Something to Sing About' by the cast of 'Buffy: the Vampire Slayer' from their musical episode, Once More, with Feeling, followed by 'Somewhere They Can't Find Me' by Simon & Garfunkel. :)