Sadness and joy

Well, my mom is doing pretty poorly. The upshot is that without being on the list for a liver transplant, she'll continue to be in and out of the hospital at best, slip into a coma and die at worst, and if she can't get on it, we need to think about bringing in hospice and letting nature take its course. Due to her health issues and age, she's probably not going to be put on that list. My stepfather was going to call the University of Kentucky today and see if they can see her or at least take a look at some of her tests and see if there's any hope. It's kind of late tonight, so I'll check with him tomorrow to see what happened.

I spent from about 10 am to 7 pm with my mom yesterday, mostly alone. I fed her lunch and dinner (they'd just left breakfast next to her like she was capable of eating on her own). She was confused early in the day, got better after a treatment, and I'm pretty certain she eventually recognised me, and her speech was much clearer by the end of the day and she wasn't struggling so much to be understood by that time. Over the course of the day I helped the nursing staff move her up in her bed and held her as they cleaned her up, etc. It's so sad to see her like this. My stepfather is really having a difficult time taking it all in, how much she's gone downhill in a short period of time.

Once I got home, I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I laid down and I don't remember falling asleep; I was just gone one minute and then heard my phone go off when A called for a ride home from work about two hours later. I don't know how my stepfather has the strength to deal with this (and so much more) on a daily basis. I was thankful he came and took me down there and brought me back up. I needed to see her, and she needed to see me. In a moment of clarity we exchanged 'I love you's. But the experience has clouded most of that evening and today for me.

I did have one bright bit of happiness today, though. I got a call just as I was leaving work and it was the Lexington Public Library calling about a part-time position of Library Associate in the Kentucky Room at Central Library. We set up a time to talk and she called back, asking me some questions and then set up an interview for next week! An interview! Oh, Lisa, please don't flub this! I'm really excited about the prospect of working with the public in genealogy and historical research, drawing from my history background and library training. It's part-time, with a schedule that would work with my current one (I might need to tweak my schedule by about a half hour to an hour, but both of my bosses are flexible and I'm sure would be alright with it). There are actually two positions, the only difference being that one works on Wednesday nights and the other on Thursdays. Please keep your fingers crossed for me! It would mean money coming in before the job loss and then having something part-time, at least, when it happens, and it would be great experience and a foot in the door into public librarianship. I'm really looking forward to the interview, although I have to find something suitable to wear--most of my interviewing clothes are better for summer.

So that's good, anyway. Wish me luck. I'll sign off for now, but I'm going to try to get back on a regular schedule of writing. In the meantime, just in case that's it for tonight, hope you had a good weekend and have a wonderful night.

It's been almost a week since I've posted

I think this is the longest I've gone in years.  But now I'm hot and up in the middle of the night and not sleeping at all,  so it seemed a good time to check in.

Almost every aspect of my life is going well this week.  I found another job to apply for.  I helped a friend through a difficult week.  I was productive at work and managed to work extra to offset an appointment without using PTO. Brenda is back in the area and can give me a ride Thursday to my procedure. I'm a little nervous about having it,  but I'm relieved she'll be there.

But I look around the house and I can tell--stress has been insidious. I'm not to the tipping point yet,  but I'm close. And there's one main reason. I've been sad and worried about my mother,  and unable to get to her.  I have a message in to my  stepfather to see if there is a way he could come get me either day this weekend so I can see her for a few hours.  It's not looking good.  It may be my last chance. With the car like it is right now,  I could easily get stranded if I try to go on my own.  I don't have enough money to fix it or to rent a car. I looked into it,  as well as a transport service between Danville and Lexington. Thirty-five miles has never seemed so long a way. I feel like a failure. My mother and I are not close like we used to be,  and there is a lot of baggage from the past.  But I just want to see her and say goodbye. Hopefully I'll hear back from John tomorrow.

:(

It's all about touching lives

Dying teacher's quest: Did I make difference?

As careers go, it's been a short one, only 15 years. But David Menasche has spent every minute of it teaching English at Coral Reef Senior High School in Miami, where his former students number nearly 3,000.

Now 40, he's battling stage-four brain cancer. After three surgeries, 21/2 years of chemotherapy and 30 rounds of radiation, he is losing his battle against cancer. So in his final months, Menasche is doing what most teachers only dream of: He's traveling the country, visiting his former students and asking: Did I make a difference?

"I am at the end of my life," he said recently. "I don't know how much longer I have left, and I just wanted that sense of satisfaction that the time I did have I used well."