Meltdown

I'm afraid I'm about to overshare, but try to understand what it's like living with issues such as anxiety, bipolar II, and ADHD all at once, all of which are normally quite in balance and do not easily reach the tipping point thanks to modern medicine.

So today had such promise, but it wound up being Lisa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It was even our holiday celebration at work (socially distanced and virtual even), and I wore red and black and a jolly Santa hat with a bell on it, but I am so terribly overwhelmed at work at the moment that I didn't let myself take part in the festivities or even enjoy our provided lunch [well, yes, the brownie was good]. It didn't help that I missed my oral meds last night, and because of that, when I went to take them this morning, my holder was empty, because I didn't realise it needed to be filled. So I didn't have the medications that help me focus with ADHD or the ones that keep me from being anxious and falling apart in an emotional mess. Don't get me wrong, anyone would be overwhelmed (I think I've gotten over 25 offsite requests to schedule this week and had several others in-progress). But no amount of breathing or trying to put things into little chunks helped. I did get a lot done, even so, better than a normal day in some ways and worse in others. But I felt absolutely horrible the whole day, had a terrible headache, and didn't relax at all, feeling like a hamster spinning in a wheel while drowning all at once. Most people went home early, and I was going to stay my full shift, but after I started catching small errors I was making, I decided I had to call it a day and left about 45 minutes early, as I was absolutely no good for anything at that point and wasn't going to get anything else accomplished and just might make it worse. So I tried to focus on what I did get done, but on the shuttle to my car there I was, in a Santa hat with a jingle bell, just crying. It's a good thing I had a mask on.

But a couple of nice things happened today. I won parking for a week in March. A man let me go (with my one item) before him at the line at Kroger, where they were really backed up. I got home and had Sabbath dinner, and it was really nice, vegetarian tsimmes with carrots, honey, and raisins, Quorn roast, cranberry sauce, and challah. The company was good. My roommate was very supportive and encouraging, even when he called me at work to see if I was able to stop by the store, and he realised how fragile I was feeling. So the day is ending on a better note. Monday I'll try to hit the ground running with the phone calls I need to make. Tomorrow is another day, and in this case, tomorrow is the weekend, so I'm going to focus on resting and getting back on my schedule. This is the worst I've felt since August, when I had to ask my doctor to change my medicine because I was in a very dark place and was a bit of a danger to myself briefly, something that surprised my doctor, as I'd been completely stable as long as he'd treatment me over the last decade. Since we made the adjustments I've been fine, at worst a little stressed. That worked for a good solid three months. But I missed two doses and it all fell apart. I hate to think that I'm that fragile. But it does mean I need to be more proactive in self-care, definitely.

Stop the stigma

My Name is Wil Wheaton. I live with chronic Depression, and I am not ashamed.

Who knew Wil Wheaton and I shared so many similarities? He's just a little better at describing everyday life with depression and anxiety disorders than I am. I'm going to take a page from his book and start writing that I live with mental illness, but it does not define me. I live with bipolar disorder, social anxiety, generalised anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, hoarding syndrome, driving anxiety, among other things. I am afraid almost every moment of my life. It's crippling at times, but I still get up and go to work each day and take one step at a time. I take a good blend of medication -- a mood stabilizer and atypical antipsychotic (I'm not psychotic, but it works for other things, and you shouldn't give someone worth bipolar disorder SSRI antidepressants, as they can trigger mania), and an anti-anxiety medication. That helps immensely. Therapy has helped, too. But I will never be cured. I know that ust like I live with chronic diabetes that can be managed, but never really completely cured, no matter what some people claim in diet books. It's another type of illness, just an imbalance in my brain chemistry rather than the hormone imbalance behind diabetes. It's nothing to be ashamed or stigmatised by, although it often is. So I'm writing about this now. I live with mental illness every day. It is a constant companion questioning my every move. But I'm ultimately the one on the driver's seat. It is my life. I struggle, but I choose to live as fully as possible

I should be doing laundry tonight, but

I've been letting the stress of life really get to me lately; things have been harder than normal with the impending job loss and half a dozen different stressors knocking at my door. Two separate people asked me how I was doing today. I'm having a bit of a breakdown. I know it. I'm not coping with the stress in some misguided belief that I won't have to keep dealing with things, according to my best friend, and I think he's right. That's my messed up brain chemistry trying to cope ineffectively. I'm slipping into the depressive side of my Bipolar Disorder II, after a long remission, and I recognise that I'm on the cusp of relapse. I see my counselor Monday and my doctor in twelve days, so perhaps they can adjust my therapy and/or medication. But in the meantime, I'm going to take a hot bath, take the night off to try to relax, and get some rest, because that's the first step to meeting stress full-on rather than just curling up in a ball and hoping it goes away.

3 am and I'm wide awake

And not sleepy or tired.  I think I'm definitely hypomanic,  triggered by my menstrual cycle.  I was depressed for days prior to my menses and especially during,  and as it almost finished I felt almost euphoric in comparison,  with every detail seeming to matter suddenly,  no need for sleep,  talking quickly,  thoughts racing, feeling sensual and hyperaware.  Yep,  classic symptoms.  I'm in my third day of that. Perimenopause is going to be great and yes,  I'm being a bit sarcastic. If my hormones shifts are going to cause mood swings,  and they have at the very least caused dysphoria during menses most of my life,  then I'm in for an interesting monthly ride.

I wonder

If the hormone changes I've had over the past month have tipped me into a mild bipolar cycle.  First I was blah and lifeless,  now I have all this energy,  and YKWIA was saying the other day that I was talking a mile a minute,  which could be push of speech.  That could explain the lack of appetite,  too. Hmm... Maybe I have something to bring up to my doctor next time see him. My meds may need some adjusting.

You think?

Borderline Personality Disorder May Be as Disabling as Bipolar Disorder

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) tend to suffer similar deterioration of their psychiatric and physical health as those with bipolar disorder, according to new research published in the British Journal of Psychiatry.

“Despite the clinical and public health significance of both of these disorders, it sometimes seems as if BPD lives in the shadow of bipolar disorder,” said researcher Mark Zimmerman, M.D., director of outpatient psychiatry at Rhode Island Hospital.

“Bipolar disorder is a widely researched, well-publicized, well-funded topic. By contrast, BPD is seldom discussed and it is not included in the Global Burden of Disease study, a comprehensive registry that quantifies diseases by cost, mortality, geography, risk, and other factors.”

About 1.6 percent of the U.S. population has been diagnosed with BPD, compared with 2.6 percent of those with bipolar disorder, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. The study is the largest comparison of patients who have been diagnosed with BPD or bipolar disorder.

Diagnoses in mental health are very hard to come by accurately. In my life I have been diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and bipolar II disorder. I have never actually been diagnosed by a practicing health care professional as having borderline personality, but I do fit the clinical criteria, and went through a very successful round or two of dialectical behavioural therapy, which is useful for BPD. So as to what my real diagnosis is, I couldn't tell you. My current psychiatrist, who has just starting seeing me, tells me that I do have a mood disorder of some sort, particularly because of how I have reacted to medicine in the past (Lortab and Paxil both made me manic, something that happens in people who are bipolar, for example). But regardless of what the diagnosis really is, me off my medication is not a pretty thing, although I am fairly high-functioning. Fortunately I am very compliant with my meds, and so I (mostly) stay on an even keel, although sometimes my hormones stir things up, like yesterday. My fear is what happens in two years if I have not found another job with health benefits, as mine is going away, and between the diabetes and the mental health issues, it is imperative I stay on my meds. I've also known others with the clinical signs of BPD, and having a relationship with someone with those issues is not fun. It is often described as 'walking on eggshells'--there is even a book on BPD with that in the title. Mix that together with someone who is either suffering from BPD and/or bipolar disorder, with two people with issues, and you get a very unstable relationship, indeed.

Up working on the house early

I've been straightening up the dining and living areas. I've about done what I can in just 45 minutes. I should start getting ready soon, but it looks much better. I'm afraid it was a bit of a wreck. I've already eaten breakfast and taken my medicine, something I don't usually do until I'm checking my e-mail first thing in the morning at work. I've already walked over a thousand steps, and it isn't even 7:30. I've had all this energy (although I did have trouble falling to sleep last night), which when you're bipolar is a worrisome thing, as it could mean you're going into a manic or hypomanic episode, but really, I think I'm okay--I just got a lot of exercise yesterday and as a result have some energy for a change. My appetite is suppressed, as well. Yesterday I had the two egg and cheese biscuits, the spinach and mushroom étouffée at Gumbo Ya Ya, a couple of string cheese sticks, a tiny bit of ice cream (hey, it was my birthday), and a fake sausage and egg biscuit. This morning I had another fake sausage and egg biscuit; usually I have two, but I didn't want any more.

We've continued to have thunderstorms all night; apparently there's quite a bit of flooding in the area, as the ground was very dry and the rain came down so fast. Not so good for the opening day at Keeneland. I took a 30 second video of the rain and thunderstorm yesterday, our first real day of thunder. I posted it on Facebook; I'll see if I can get it on YouTube and post it here, just for fun.

Today I need to catch up at work from yesterday, but it was a low census day, so I don't think it'll be too bad. I'm hoping to leave a little early (the place will be deserted early for Good Friday, I expect). One of my co-workers is making me a cake so we can all have some for lunch. Then I have to remember it's Friday so I take a friend to an appointment this evening. 'Grimm' is tonight, but we haven't seen the last one, and I'm not sure we'll be able to before the new one with his appointment, so we may need to record it and put it off till tomorrow.

Okay, I should start getting ready for work. It's barely light outside due to the clouds and storm. Hope you have a very good day, and a lovely weekend. If you celebrate Easter (I don't, but I can wish others well), I hope you enjoy it.

Still blah

Came home, slept, and now I'm up. Don't worry, I'm on all of my meds. This, too, shall pass. But it has reached an annoying level. I spent most of my day just trying to hold it together so I didn't cry or snap at anyone. The social niceties are a little harder to navigate, but I managed.  I have a social event Thursday and I hope I'm feeling better then. The drive across town in rush-hour traffic and back almost got me. Spending a little time with friends helped, especially the Big Bang Theory clip with Sheldon and Amy having Dungeons & Dragons sex (I am, or used to be much like Amy, although she is smarter). I'm finding I'm feeling both needy and standoffish at the same time, so I didn't stay too late. This should resolve soon; it's partly hormonal. I know that. And it's not the kind of lingering, heavy depression I've seen in others. Mine is cyclical; it will tip the other way eventually, or if I'm lucky, just back to balanced. Usually that's the case. Welcome to bipolar disorder II.