Tired...

Applications for two library positions and one scheduling one in. Set up a profile on Zip Recruiter and updated my LinkedIn (temporarily, I'm going to really tweak it after reading the library book), updated my online curricula vitae and résumés for patient access, library, and general categories. Applied for various benefits. Not bad for four days.

Tomorrow I see my doctor about changing my ADHD medication. It should hopefully help keep me from making mistakes like what happened the other day.

My roommate told me a year ago, when I first started having trouble, to take my diagnosis report in and ask for accommodations so that I'd have some protection from the Americans with Disabilities Act. My anxiety kept me from doing it. I thought it would be seen as an admission that I couldn't do the job, when, of course, I could; I just couldn't do it as things were. I was afraid they'd just fire me or find some reason to let me go. And now we're here.

Well...at least I lasted long enough to get new knees.

My affirmations calendar has a sense of humour

The photo is of my affirmations calendar page on the day I was let go.

Today's saying is 'I am exactly who I need to be in this moment.' I am meeting this head-on. I've worked since I was 16 years old--42 years. In all that time, I've never been terminated, although I've been laid off (twice), had my hours reduced (twice), and my job eliminated (once). Three of those have happened at Shriners, and I've always been loyal and kept going like it didn't matter, but hey. Anyway, I've picked up my things, spoken with various people about options and benefits I may be eligible for, begun applying for jobs, etc. I've made a list of things to do, and I'm already about halfway through it after two days. Tonight I'm trying to integrate the things I had in the office that I'd like to keep in my room. The rest will go into storage until I have another office. Tomorrow I'm going to work up a schedule for the week. I've tried to move some appointments from March to next week, and looking for another job with benefits, especially healthcare, is my main priority. I cannot go without my medicine. It literally would be a death sentence. 

Anyone with leads, feel free to send me anything. I didn't get terminated for anything malicious or deliberate or anything like that. If circumstances were different, I'm not sure it would even have happened. But here it is, and in a way, it might be good. I've sort of used Shriners as a comfortable crutch for years, clinging to it rather than taking risks out in the world trying for jobs that might have been better in the long run for my career, As much as I loved being a librarian, being a solo librarian for so long has hurt my chances of getting a mid-career job because I've only supervised a few high school students, not other professionals, even though I've done all the different things a librarian does in a library. 

The librarian position here was perfect for me in terms of my neurodiversity issues; the patient access positions stressed them. Ironically, the final one was better than the others. I was doing better with it, though I struggled with my ADHD medicine failing, and it directly led to my discharge. I am scheduled next week to discuss changing it with my MD. Too little, too late. But maybe it will help for next time. I've also learned a very hard lesson: coming clean about a disability before it becomes an issue isn't a sign of weakness; it's a way to protect yourself, at least as long as the ADA survives current attacks. I actually had an offer for an interview the week I came back from my last knee replacement, and I wish I'd taken it, but I didn't feel it was right to ask off on my first day back, as it wasn't fair to work. I really regret that now. It was a library job with the state, providing children's books to kids with low vision or who are blind. I sometimes feel I was more concerned about work than vice versa. I was once told it wasn't my business to worry about the number of patients on the schedule or who was out that day when asking off, that wasn't my job. I thought it was just common courtesy and trying not to be a bother. Oh, well. No longer my problem. I am exactly who I need to be in this moment. I will continue to be. I will do better. And I am equipped to handle all situations effectively, even if in the short term it seems bleak. In the long run, I will prevail and flourish, and never give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me fail.

Have a good night.

#10

Divergent Mind: Thriving in A World that Wasn't Designed for You, by Jenara Nerenberg. New York: HarperCollins, 2021.

The book itself isn't bad, it's actually pretty decent. I hate how it's exclusively geared towards women but you don't get that until you start reading it--there's nothing in the title or subtitle indicating that, and I think if I were a guy I'd feel like there was a bait and switch, because 1) male experiences matter, too, and 2) with the exception of a few cases, most of what she wrote would also apply to men, but it is written through a feminist, women-only lens. I'm saying this as a woman myself. I'm not saying we can't focus on our issues, but just be up front about it and don't alienate half the population, especially in a group that's already been alienated for being different from neurotypicals.

Meltdown

I'm afraid I'm about to overshare, but try to understand what it's like living with issues such as anxiety, bipolar II, and ADHD all at once, all of which are normally quite in balance and do not easily reach the tipping point thanks to modern medicine.

So today had such promise, but it wound up being Lisa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It was even our holiday celebration at work (socially distanced and virtual even), and I wore red and black and a jolly Santa hat with a bell on it, but I am so terribly overwhelmed at work at the moment that I didn't let myself take part in the festivities or even enjoy our provided lunch [well, yes, the brownie was good]. It didn't help that I missed my oral meds last night, and because of that, when I went to take them this morning, my holder was empty, because I didn't realise it needed to be filled. So I didn't have the medications that help me focus with ADHD or the ones that keep me from being anxious and falling apart in an emotional mess. Don't get me wrong, anyone would be overwhelmed (I think I've gotten over 25 offsite requests to schedule this week and had several others in-progress). But no amount of breathing or trying to put things into little chunks helped. I did get a lot done, even so, better than a normal day in some ways and worse in others. But I felt absolutely horrible the whole day, had a terrible headache, and didn't relax at all, feeling like a hamster spinning in a wheel while drowning all at once. Most people went home early, and I was going to stay my full shift, but after I started catching small errors I was making, I decided I had to call it a day and left about 45 minutes early, as I was absolutely no good for anything at that point and wasn't going to get anything else accomplished and just might make it worse. So I tried to focus on what I did get done, but on the shuttle to my car there I was, in a Santa hat with a jingle bell, just crying. It's a good thing I had a mask on.

But a couple of nice things happened today. I won parking for a week in March. A man let me go (with my one item) before him at the line at Kroger, where they were really backed up. I got home and had Sabbath dinner, and it was really nice, vegetarian tsimmes with carrots, honey, and raisins, Quorn roast, cranberry sauce, and challah. The company was good. My roommate was very supportive and encouraging, even when he called me at work to see if I was able to stop by the store, and he realised how fragile I was feeling. So the day is ending on a better note. Monday I'll try to hit the ground running with the phone calls I need to make. Tomorrow is another day, and in this case, tomorrow is the weekend, so I'm going to focus on resting and getting back on my schedule. This is the worst I've felt since August, when I had to ask my doctor to change my medicine because I was in a very dark place and was a bit of a danger to myself briefly, something that surprised my doctor, as I'd been completely stable as long as he'd treatment me over the last decade. Since we made the adjustments I've been fine, at worst a little stressed. That worked for a good solid three months. But I missed two doses and it all fell apart. I hate to think that I'm that fragile. But it does mean I need to be more proactive in self-care, definitely.

I've felt off lately

and YKWIA has noticed it too. I'm wondering if it's the Strattera I started a couple of weeks ago for attention-deficit disorder. I've been on it before, several years ago, without problem, but my mood has been somewhat depressed and blah of late. I don't know if it's my normal mood fluctuations, or if it is the medicine. I'll give it a little more time to see. I go back to my doctor in early September, and I haven't quite reached the therapeutic level yet in terms of ramping up the dose slowly. I'm close, but not there yet. So far I haven't really seen any really beneficial effects, but I'm not at the full 80 mg yet, either, of course.

Despite feeling off, I had a good day. We went out to Masala, the Indian restaurant for the buffet, and my friends picked up my meal, along with a scoop of Baskin-Robbins ice cream (pumpkin cheesecake) afterwards. Then we went to Barnes & Noble, which is in Hamburg (Masala is in Beaumont, so on opposite sides of town). I stayed in the car during that (my back was still bothering me, and the seat in the car is comfortable. Plus, I find it somewhat painful to go into bookstores when I have no money to spend). :) I accidentally left the ignition on accessory, and didn't notice because I'd turned the radio off, and the battery almost didn't start, so that was a little worrisome--but it did, on the third try, and I drove enough to get the battery back up to speed over the rest of the day. After Barnes & Noble, we went to Lowe's there in Hamburg (I had not been in that one before). After I took my friends home, A and I went and did the grocery run. After that, YKWIA and I watched an episode of 'Lost Girl' (we're in the second season, now). During that, Brenda called. Her son is getting married next month and she had forgotten that the second bridal shower was tomorrow, so she'll be going to that instead of the game. This put me off the hook for having the game notes finished by tomorrow, and it also means I can go over a little later in the day. Yay!

I've been home for awhile and have been working on revising a document with my characters' pictures in it (mostly actors and actresses that YKWIA or I thought would match them well). I put it into a format his version of Word (XP) will read--he has no desire to upgrade to one with tabs and a ribbon, so the one he had from school still suffices for him. Here are the people that were picked:

• Zooey Deschanel
• Emilie de Ravin
• Lisa Edelstein
• Melina Kanakaredes
• Dana Delany
• Anne Hathaway
• Morena Baccarin
• Max Greenfield
• Kristanna Loken

There is one character that I cannot find a photograph for, but I found a very representative drawing that worked. She was originally modelled somewhat after Gillian Anderson, but had a couple of physical transformations that made her hair white, her eyes green, but otherwise she looks like an ancient Aegyptian. That's hard to find. :) But I found a portrait of a woman who looked right who had a headdress on so you couldn't see the colour of her hair. Oh, did I mention she is both a doctor and a necromancer? Oddly enough, we have another one of those, a male non-player character that started out as a player character (until she left). He is married to the latest of my characters, the one who looks like Kristanna Loken.

Anyway, I sent that on to him. I'll print out the newer pictures (I did some revisions, based on his input) and affix them to my character sheets. So that's been a fun couple of hours.

I think I'll do some reading now. I'm wanting to watch 'Galaxy Quest', but I don't feel like going out to the living room, and the little DVD player I have is out there, so it's either hook it up here to my ancient (circa 1990) TV, or take the fan, with its wonderful breeze, out there. :)

Today I was off from work

I had a nerve-wracking drive across town early this morning to see my psychiatrist, and the gas light was on the whole way (it had gone off yesterday, but then it came back on this morning). I hadn't been able to get in touch with the my friends the day before to ask if they could help me out, so I just went over on a wing and a prayer. The doctor (finally) got the notes from my psychological testing and gave me a sample package of Strattera, a medication I'd been on before for my Attention-Deficit Disorder. Before though, I don't think we went as far up in the dosage as this will be eventually. My experience before was that Adderall seemed to have more effect, but it also may have made my heart race a few times, so he thought the Strattera would be safer. Also, it works through the day and night, as opposed to the others, plus, it's not a controlled substance, so I don't have to pee in a cup monthly to be sure I'm not abusing or selling my meds. So, we'll try it and see. I see him in a month for my other refills.

I went over to my friends' house afterwards, again, just praying I wouldn't run out of gas. A had called right before my meeting with the doctor, and I'd explained the situation. We visited for awhile and then about 1 pm I went and got gas, and then I took them to run an important errand. Then I dropped YKWIA off at their house and took A with me to my orthopaedic appointment, as he had a nearby doctor's appointment himself in a little over an hour after mine. It took awhile to be seen--I thought we were going to be late to his appointment. The EMG shows carpal tunnel, but very mild, so while it could be causing my symptoms, it could also be arthritis, which I definitely have in my thumbs. The doctor suggested giving me cortisone shots in my wrists to see if it got better; if it does, it very well could be carpal tunnel, although it's rare that it would come back. If not, it may be the arthritis and the fact that my ulna (the smaller long bone in the lower arm) is congenitally short on both sides. And my left wrist has been broken at some point in my life, unbeknownst to me, so that's an interesting tidbit I didn't know before going about the pain in my hands. Then he had me talk things over with an occupational therapist on exercises that could help and things I should do at work. I'm going to have the occupational therapy department at work do an ergonomic study of my desk setup. He said the fact I had a drawer that went under the desk may be a problem, depending on the height of my chair, as it tends to make the wrists extend up. He also thought I should brace my wrists loosely at night to keep them from flexing one way or the other. So basically they're treating it like carpal tunnel in the hopes it won't get worse. The cortisone shots hurt a bit but not nearly as much as I expected, and the syringe and needle weren't terribly intimidating. He did it quickly and it wasn't too bad, actually.

After my appointment, we went over to A's, an office where we share a doctor. I think I fell asleep out in the waiting room, when I should have read for a bit. Then we went back to their house and then out to Captain D's to pick up food. YKWIA and I watched an episode of 'Lost Girl' and then one of 'The Vampire Diaries'. We were all tired after a full day and I came on home just before dark. I've been working on some photos for my characters, gleaned from the Internet, which I can put on my character sheets.

Okay, I think I'm going to go read some of Grave Secret, by Charlaine Harris, for a bit, and then maybe call it a night. I did find out that my car will go at least 25 miles on its gas light, so yay for that. It's back to work tomorrow morning. It was a busy day at work today (many, many kids in clinic), so I'll have lots of data entry to catch up on. :) It was nice to have the day off, and important to, although I think I have exhausted my PTO except what I'll accrue over this pay period, which isn't great, as Labour Day is almost here. I should have that covered, though, if I can manage to keep my time on an even keel. I stayed late the other day to help make up time from my EMG. I'll go in a little early tomorrow morning, if I can, to help with that. I think I'm just a half hour off my time at this point. Have a good night.

Home

So I got home about 8 pm and the first thing I did was take out the recyclables, and then I watered the outside plants. I gathered up the plastic bags into a plastic bag that I can take to recycle at Kroger. Now I'm at the computer with the little fan on because I feel hot and sticky. My neck's been bothering me quite a bit today, and it's gotten worse over the day, although I was able to stretch it a bit and that helped for awhile. I don't really want to lift anything tonight as a result. The items from the walk-in closet should go back, and mostly they're light, but the Christmas tree is in a big tub and while I would not need to lift it, there is bending and pushing to consider. It should go on the bottom, as it's a big tub, so that I hope to do tomorrow, maybe, after class. I'm a little hungry, so I'm mustering up the desire to make something. I think I'll keep it simple, a peanut butter and spreadable fruit sandwich. But mostly I just want to lie down and go to sleep, even though it's not even dark yet. But I will resist that.

Tomorrow morning I go to my psychiatrist and he'll decide whether to put me on medication for the attention-deficit disorder. That's early in the morning, so I have to get up about the same time I normally would for work. Then it's off to work, and then teaching class that evening.

I think I'm going to try to do something to improve the apartment each night, even the late ones, even if it's simple, on the theory that it will improve things over time. But tonight, having done a few things, I think I will try to relax and do something fun on my own. I spent some time watching things with YKWIA, including 'Wizards vs. Aliens' and a little 'Doctor Who'. I think now I'm going to listen to some relaxing music. I'm debating as whether to do something industrious such as going through clothes to give away or not. We'll see. But I'm definitely getting comfy first. Good night.

With the exception of a few dishes to do

unloading the dishwasher, and going through the refrigerator, I did a pretty decent job of cleaning up the kitchen today. I also am making some bread in the bread machine, as I am out and have all the ingredients and no money to just buy bread. Besides, it tastes better when homemade anyway, even if I'm not doing the kneading myself. :) I don't want to work anymore in there tonight because the bread will be rising, so it's time to move to other parts of the apartment and get things that were in the walk-in closet that leaked back in (they're mostly plastic, so they should be okay if it should happen again). I also want to wash the couple of clothes baskets I have (they got wet, and stained with rusty water), so that I can use them to corral the clothes in the bedroom, which have become a problem.

I just read a book I got out of the library called Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD : Tips and Tools to help You Take Charge of Your Life and Get Organized by Sarah Pinsky. While I'm not going to take all of her suggestions (I think my apartment leasing agent would be less than thrilled if I took all the cabinet doors off their hinges in the kitchen), a lot makes sense, and I'm going to try to put some of them into action. Her theory is that the best system for someone with attention-deficit disorder is to make things convenient, fast, easy, and efficient, so no beautiful baskets for magazines to languish in or using staging areas such as the main kitchen table for craft projects. Storage should be open and so easy to use it takes less effort to throw a sock into a hamper rather than on the floor. The book is organised by room of the house. Some areas don't apply to me, like the garage, or the playroom, but a lot did. And once I have money again, I really need to get a bigger trash can (not the tiny ones you see in bathrooms) for the bedroom, and one for the living room (not for food, obviously) and maybe a small recycling bin for both, as I tend to strew packaging and papers around in both places. I think that will cut down on a lot of that.

I also want to go through the many boxes (both plastic and cardboard) of paper that I have here and there in the closets and some behind the couch. Most of that stuff can probably go. They're old bills I wanted to shred, or school material copies, or stuff to do with my accident three years ago--that sort of thing. She argues that really, very little needs to be shredded these days, as account numbers are masked, etc. Simply tearing them in half and putting them in different bags is probably enough. So that's a goal to finish by the end of the year. First I have to get things passable in the bedroom. At sometime in the next month, the fire department is supposed to come check our fire alarms, smoke detectors, and that our windows open. The bedroom is very cluttered, and while, yes, I can get to the window, it's not exactly clear and easy, either. Plus, I may need to rethink my plants and try to come up with a better solution for them. They effectively block the windows. The living room has several on some blocks and boards, and the bedroom has a end table with two rows of plants on it. The living room isn't so much a concern--the door is there, so I'd likely not go out the window there anyway. But the bedroom is definitely an issue. I am going to try to consolidate my plants and move things around, use the space better. Hmmm...maybe I'll do that now.

One last thing, did you know 'Bloom County' is back???? I loved that comic strip when I was in college. You can get the new strips by liking Berkeley Breathed on Facebook. So far, Opus has awakened 25 years later and discovered the Internet. There have been three strips so far, released as Breathed feels like, rather than a daily schedule. But I'm happy it's back!

Looking for some answers

So I went to the international and US MENSA websites, and they didn't really have much in terms of resources on either page. I guess you have to join to get the benefits, and that's $70 a year, which is too steep for me. I did, however, stumble upon SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted), which does have resources both free and for sale. It's geared not just for supporting gifted kids, but adults, too.

I borrowed an e-book from the library, Malcolm Gladwell's David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants, which my therapist recommended. The other one, Carol Dweck's Mindset: the New Psychology of Success, wasn't available at the library at the moment, so I have placed a hold for it. I also placed a hold for a Gladwell's Outliers and Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD : Tips and Tools to help You Take Charge of Your Life and Get Organized by Sarah Pinsky. Gladwell's books are mostly for curiosity's sake, Dweck's may be very important in my situation, and Pinsky's couldn't hurt. :)

Speaking of antipsychotics, this is disturbing...

Kids With ADHD Getting Wrong Drugs, Study Finds

Too many kids with ADHD may be getting strong antipsychotic medications meant to treat diseases such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, a new study finds.

And many are getting these drugs without any kind of diagnosis indicating they have a psychiatric disorder, the survey found.

Not only do these kids risk serious side-effects from the drugs, but they may be missing out on more effective treatments for their conditions, the research team writes in the Journal of the American Medical Association publication JAMA Psychiatry.

"What's especially important is the finding that around 1.5 percent of boys aged 10 to 18 are on antipsychotics, and then this rate abruptly falls by half as adolescents become young adults," said Michael Schoenbaum of the National Institute for Mental health, who worked on the study.

Schoenbaum, with colleagues at Columbia University, Yale University and the New York State Psychiatric Institute, looked at prescription data from across the United States. They found a troubling pattern of use of antipsychotics.

"What we see is patterns of use, particularly in boys, that suggest that antipsychotics are largely not being used for the disorders the Food and Drug Administration has approved them for," Schoenbaum told NBC News. "Rather, among boys, particularly teenage boys, uses are much more consistent with prescribing to manage behavioral problems."

Run, mouse, run!

I spent three hours today going through a series of tests that included making shapes with blocks, reading off names of colours by ink colour rather than the word printed on the page, reciting back stories I'd heard, matching shapes, and the like. Basically it was a series of intelligence and cognitive tests. I feel like a mouse that's been let out of its maze. I'll get the results in a week or two, but the preliminary results were interesting, and it might help me ultimately do better in daily life and employment. I scored very high in verbal intelligence, within a couple of points of the old IQ test I took before junior high school, and in the 99 percentile of the population, but there's an indication that attention is an issue, and it's affecting my working memory. Years ago I was diagnosed with the non-hyperactive form of attention-deficit disorder based on a much less rigourous test, and I think she felt confident that I still show signs of that and could benefit from treatment. Although my working memory and processing things into practical, working solutions was normal, there was a huge discrepancy between that and my actual intelligence, so I definitely have room to improve there. She'll score the rest of the tests and I'll get more detailed information soon. But I suspect I will be going back on medication. I can definitely tell a difference without it, and things were harder not merely because they progressed in difficulty, but because I was having trouble concentrating at times. There was one test, the last one of the day, where you had to press the space bar on computer when a letter that was not X came on the screen, which sounds really simple, but was hard at times, given the speed, and a natural tendency I have to press buttons maniacally (this is also an issue in my field of vision tests, where I see reflections in my glasses and wind up treating the button like a joystick at times). Another hard one was reading a page of colour-related words not by the words, but by ink colour, except for the ones in boxes. So for example, the word 'red' might be printed in blue, and you would read aloud blue, unless it was in a box, and then it would red. Other things were relatively easy. But apparently I am better at auditory comprehension than spatial relations, or so it seemed when it was over.

An interesting line of investigation

I spent much of my childhood battling strep infections. I don't know if my OCD is related to this, but the idea that it could be is pretty intriguing. (I wasn't diagnosed as a child, though I had some symptoms then. I might check with my mom and see what she remembers.)

Childhood disorder prompts study of infection link to mental illness

Brody Kennedy was a typical sixth-grader who loved to hang out with friends in Castaic and play video games. A strep-throat infection in October caused him to miss a couple of days of school, but he was eager to rejoin his classmates, recalls his mother, Tracy.

Then, a week after Brody became ill, he awoke one morning to find his world was no longer safe. Paranoid about germs and obsessed with cleanliness, he refused to touch things and showered several times a day. His fear prevented him from attending school, and he insisted on wearing nothing but a sheet or demanding that his mother microwave his clothes or heat them in the dryer before dressing.

So began a horrific battle with a sudden-onset mental illness that was diagnosed as pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorder associated with streptococcus, or PANDAS. The puzzling name describes children who have obsessive-compulsive disorder that occurs suddenly — and often dramatically — within days or weeks of a simple infection, such as strep throat.

Here are a couple of other interesting articles about causes of abnormal psychophysiology:

Scans Show Brain Damage in Abused Teens

Adolescents reporting a history of abuse -- even nonphysical forms such as emotional neglect -- had deficits in gray-matter brain volume in numerous regions compared with other teens, researchers said.

Among 42 teens without psychiatric diagnoses, scores on the self-reported Childhood Trauma Questionnaire were inversely correlated with gray-matter volume in brain regions including the prefrontal cortex, striatum, amygdala, and cerebellum, as well as cortical regions associated with sensory function, according to Hilary P. Blumberg, MD, of Yale University, and colleagues.

Moreover, the specific patterns of gray-matter deficit measured via high resolution MRI varied according to the type of abuse participants reported, the researchers indicated in the December issue of Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine.

ADHD - Four Genes Linked To The Disorder

Four gene variants, all members of the glutamate receptor gene family, appear to be involved in vital brain signaling pathways in a sub-set of children with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), researchers from the Center for Applied Genomics at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia reported in the journal Nature Genetics.

Diagnosed because you're not quite ready for primetime

ADHD Could Be Misdiagnosed In Nearly 1 Million US Kids Say Researchers

Two studies published recently suggest there could be something wrong with the way ADHD is diagnosed in young children in the US, one found that nearly 1 million kids are potentially misdiagnosed just because they are the youngest in their kindergarten year, with the youngest in class twice as likely to be on stimulant medication, while the other study confirmed that whether children were born just before or just after the kindergarten cutoff date significantly affected their chances of being diagnosed with ADHD.

Anyone surprised? And that's coming from an adult with ADD. I have an aunt who kept her son, born in September, back from joining kindergarten until the next year, and that may have been a sound decision. I don't think you can go on cut-off dates to know when children are intellectually and socially ready for a grade. There are times I wish that I had not skipped first grade, because as the youngest and yet one of the smartest, I was picked on throughout my school career. Fortunately I don't have hyperactive-type attention issues. I'd have probably done better with medication. But a lot of kids are way overmedicated. The trick is figuring out which ones benefit themselves, and which ones are being medicated because teachers or parents simply don't want to put in the effort or make decisions like waiting to send them to school. Of course, I don't know if that's still an option these days.

Okay, the blouse makes me look like a tomato and I need to get my hair cut

but here is a picture taken of me at the Christmas Party for the hospital.

I wore an outfit given to me by my mother. She tends to give me items in colours she likes, such as red and gold, both of which look bad on me. But I needed something dressy and that was it. But this year she actually gave me a blouse that is purple and black velvet with a tie-back sash and flared velvet pants. It's in my favourite colours, ones that look good on me. It's an outfit I would have chosen for myself. Yay! I wore it today for the first time. It's a little dressy for work, but I wanted to wear it anyway.

I also went to my new nurse practitioner today. All the medicines seem fine except I really can't tell that much difference now that I'm off of my Provigil in terms of concentration. We're going to try Strattera instead. It's not a stimulant, so she can prescribe it, but it's actually for ADHD. Provigil is for sleep apnea, which I do have, but also has a secondary effect of increasing focus, but I just don't think it worked out for me; I've been on it for a couple of years and friends say I still have a lot of issues focussing, although it did improve a little.

PS Happiness is finding a can of vegetarian chili when you're hungry and had no idea it was in the cabinet. Yay!

Maybe this will encourage mental health programmes

1 in 5 young Americans has personality disorder: Fewer than 25 percent of college-age suffers get treatment, study finds

Almost one in five young American adults has a personality disorder that interferes with everyday life, and even more abuse alcohol or drugs, researchers reported Monday in the most extensive study of its kind.

The article also mentions that '[a]ccording to the National Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 1 in four U.S. adults suffers from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year.'

The study also looked at anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, and other non-personality disorders. Personality disorders are especially difficult to treat, because they are complex.

College counseling programmes need to really work at reaching those in need. Also, since those 18-25 tend to work in lower-paying jobs, it is also important that programmes be made available to young people outside of colleges who may no longer be on their parents' insurance and otherwise could not afford treatment. Let's face it--psychiatric treatment is expensive, even with insurance. If you meet a counselor every other week even with a $10 co-pay, that's $260 a year, plus the cost of medications. Without insurance it would be more like $75-150 a session. Treatment of the young is also important because untreated mental disorders tend to worsen as we age, plus this is a time when students and others are establishing themselves in terms of education and career.

I am fortunate to have access to decent health care--but even I struggle with medical costs. This coming year my co-pays have doubled, so I'm having about $3000 taken out of my pay for my flexible spending account. Much of that has to do with mental health. That's about 13% of my salary at the two jobs. I wish I'd had access to it when I was younger--if I had been treated for my various issues at an earlier age I might have succeeded in getting a PhD in mediaeval history like I planned. My anxiety at doing the oral exam/thesis defence was so great, but I didn't realise how bad it was until I was put on medication once it was too late to use my credits for the degree. I have a mix of illnesses that really make my life difficult sometimes, but treatment has helped immensely. My anxiety, social phobia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder are much improved. I'm also had a year-long intensive group dialectical behaviour therapy for borderline personality disorder and am on medicine for bipolar II disorder. Throw in medicine for attention-deficit disorder, too, although I don't know if the researchers in this study would consider that a mental disorder. I still have a lot to deal with in terms of childhood issues and other topics for counseling, but my brain chemistry is much better. :) Anyway, you can see I have a personal perspective on this issue.

(I know, I sound absolutely crazy if you go by my diagnoses. But hey, I'm what they call 'medically managed', and I'm working and paying taxes and all that, plus I'm not living on the street. Yet, anyway. I know I've had some close calls on that front. My point is there's a stigma attached to mental illness, but people being treated can lead productive lives. It's when they go off their medicine or stop counseling that they tend to go off the deep end before they know it.)

It amazes me sometimes

how fast my emotions can turn. I've been basically happy all day, and now I feel like a failure because my attention wandered (it's bad when your ADD medicine wears off late at night) and I did the wrong thing as a result and looked stupid.

Not that I shouldn't be used to that...

You think it's frustrating dealing with someone who's brain chemistry is messed up? Try being that person. With me I'm usually either dealing with inattention issues or the emotional rollercoaster that is bipolar disorder. The medicine helps (I've been on an even keel emotionally for many months now, for example), but it's not really a cure. Throw in some obsessive-compulsive issues and borderline personality, and I should be one huge failure, and scary to boot.

But you know what? I'm mentally healthier than at any time in my life. I have a therapist who really explores my past and how I feel about it. I'm on a good combination of medications. So things are looking up. And one thing I've realised of late is that I'm not a failure. A late bloomer, perhaps, but not a failure. I have lots of accomplishments under my belt.

Plus, I've known quite a few people who make me look quite sane, and happily, they are behind me and I have no reason to have anything to do with them these days, though I do sometimes keep tabs, and it seems to me that the general trend is they become mad freaks who seem to spend all of their time in their heads rather than in the real world with the rest of us. I have that tendency too, but I'm trying to eradicate it, and I know where the holodeck's arch is, thank you very much. I don't have many friends, but they're people I can count on and who honestly care for me. Certainly that's part of my criteria for being a friend as well. You can't get much better than that.

Just some ideas late in the evening. :)

There is a cricket

madly hopping around my apartment building hallway. I feel like that sometimes, in fact I felt a little like that yesterday.

Yesterday I forgot to take my ADD medicine and it was so noticeable. Tonight I feel much better, and this time I remembered to do my laundry (yay!) and I was able to focus on work and game notes much better, too. Yesterday I just felt antsy and unable to focus on anything. I usually think of myself as having the inattentive rather than hyperactive form of ADD, but maybe there is a little hyperactivity in there. I just wanted to get up and move when I was trying to type the notes, for example. Usually I can concentrate much better than that--with the medicine, that is. I can already tell a difference in the dosage increase, too. I feel more like I did on stimulants, and this doesn't speed my heart up.

Mine (Provigil) isn't listed, but then it's not really a stimulant

But Adderall used to make my heart race. It's good to see the FDA and the drug companies coming together over this. And as someone who already has psychiatric issues in addition to ADHD (and I'm certainly not alone), I think it's good to know both the cardiovascular and psychiatric risks to these medications. Hopefully it doesn't keep anyone from getting the help they need--you have to weigh the risks and the benefits, with the help of doctor of course. But it's still good information to have.

FDA wants clear warnings on ADHD drugs