So I finished the following book today

and I must say, it was very enlightening. It's called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck. In it Dweck asserts that there are two basic mindsets: fixed and growth. Those with a fixed mindset believe that intelligence and talent are set at birth, that talent means you should be able to do something without effort, and thus putting effort into school or other activities shows you're actually not smart or talented. It's a very judging, black and white mentality. It's all about proving your'e perfect, the best, and so you don't take risk or try something hard, because you might fail. The growth mindset, on the other hand, rises to challenges, rebounds from disappointments, and fundamentally keeps trying (through honest effort) until something is learned or achieved.

The book is full of people who are examples of of each mindset, whether CEOs of companies, athletes, or students in school. Much of the book goes into the description of the mindsets, but there's also a part on how to change your mindset from fixed to growth, to become a learner rather than a non-learner, to expand the possibilities in your career, education, and relationships with others. It was recommended by my psychologist, who instantly picked up that I have a very fixed mindset. According to Dweck, these mindsets are often apparent in kindergartners. We shower children with praise for being smart or being talented, without praising them for hard work and effort, and as a result, they become fixed in their mindset, afraid that by failing they will lose that adulation and that they will, in essence be failures (rather than simply failing, two totally different things). This was the most important passage for me personally, the one that had the most meaning for me, from page 225:

They [Karen Horney and Carl Rogers] believed that when young children feel insecure about being accepted by their parents, they experience great anxiety. They feel lost and alone in a complicated world. Since they're only a few years old, they can't simply reject their parents and say, "I think I'll go it alone." They have to find a way to feel safe and to win their parents over. Both Horney and Rogers proposed that children do this by creating or imagining other "selves," ones that their parents might like better. These new selves are what they think the parents are looking for and what may win them the parents' acceptance.

Furthermore, the child then, having created this perfect self, both confuses their creation with their real self and also feels like if they can't live up to that perfect self, they are worthless. This so explains something about me. I was desperate for my parents' approval, and never felt I was good enough to win it, but tried to be the perfect 'good girl'. Over time, when I did not feel loved, I simply decided that I there was apparently something terribly wrong with me, and I didn't deserve it. Like those with fixed mindsets in Dweck's book, I coasted for a long time, being the smart kid who didn't really need to expend effort, and then I hit college, and things got a lot harder. With a growth mindset, I could have done so much more in school. Yes, I got a bachelor's, and even a master's degree. I failed to get the PhD I wanted because of several factors, including anxiety and other mental issues, but primarily because of mindset. I wish I'd read this book 30 years ago, that it had been around then. But it's not too late to cultivate a growth mindset--and burn the 'good girl' perfect creation in effigy and reclaim myself, the smart, great kid that many people would have loved to have had, but unfortunately was practically raised by wolves. Reading this book, and especially that section, was a 'wah-wah' moment, like Helen Keller and the water at the pump. It neatly put together the very things YKWIA has been trying to teach me about myself for years. That's why I'm glad I took that Amazon credit and got this on my Kindle--I should re-read the part of the book on builidng a growth mindset frequently. This way, it's almost always with me. :)

I am glad I stopped by the library

after getting my allergy shots, as I had about a dozen books to take back, and they had a book in the new section that I've really wanted to read, but haven't been able to buy yet. It's called Pioneer Girl: The Annotated Autobiography by Laura Ingalls Wilder and Pamela Smith Hill. I always loved the Little House... books by Wilder and also the television series, so I was happy to check it out. The checkout system was a little different this time; they've upgraded the screens and software for the self-checkout. I liked it, once I got used to the different setup (I continued when I should have scanned the book; fortunately it let me go back).

Once I got home, I immediately watered the plants inside and out, which were looking a bit peaked. Speaking of water, there is a large hole in our parking lot with caution stuff all over it that I presume has to do with the water pipes, because I received a notice that our water will be turned off between 10 am and 3 pm on Monday, which is fine with me--I'm at work. But for the night shift folks and others who are home for the day, that's going to be an annoyance.

Work today was very satisfying. I ordered 20 books for the library, about 10 for the family resource centre, and a bunch of children's books for the early literacy project. I'm glad I didn't have any trouble with the ordering software, which runs through Internet Explorer. I had to have them upgrade to IE10 yesterday because I couldn't run any search, even simple ones, in PubMed on IE8, and they said it could cause an issue with our purchasing system (hence why most people are on an old, old version of the browser), but everything went through alright. After lunch I got through all my sheets, OR charge reconciliation, and got the referral queue down before the report comes out on Monday. On Tuesday I have a couple of reports due regarding grant programmes, so I'll be very busy on Monday, finishing that up. :) On Thursday there's my ergonomic assessment, where they'll check out my desk and work area for problems that may be causing or contributing to some of my issues.

I don't have a lot planned this weekend, but we are going out to the Indian buffet at Masala in Beaumont tomorrow. Then there will be the store, and working on the game notes (although I may try to do the latter at least partly tonight). Sunday is the game. We're on a new adventure set in 16th-century Spain.

I also want to do some reading tonight. I'm reading a book right now that is pretty interesting, on how our mindsets affect learning and success. My counselor had suggested it, and I finally got a hold of the book from the library. Then the other day I found out I had a credit from Amazon regarding the e-book class action suit, and used it to get the book on my Kindle, as I suspect I may want to refer back to it again. It's by a psychologist named Carol Dweck, and is called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. I'm finding it very insightful regarding my own mindset and life.

Okay, my back is hurting somewhat, so rather than taking some ibuprofen, I'm going to try to stretch out on the bed for just a little bit (without going to sleep). That often helps.

Looking for some answers

So I went to the international and US MENSA websites, and they didn't really have much in terms of resources on either page. I guess you have to join to get the benefits, and that's $70 a year, which is too steep for me. I did, however, stumble upon SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted), which does have resources both free and for sale. It's geared not just for supporting gifted kids, but adults, too.

I borrowed an e-book from the library, Malcolm Gladwell's David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants, which my therapist recommended. The other one, Carol Dweck's Mindset: the New Psychology of Success, wasn't available at the library at the moment, so I have placed a hold for it. I also placed a hold for a Gladwell's Outliers and Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD : Tips and Tools to help You Take Charge of Your Life and Get Organized by Sarah Pinsky. Gladwell's books are mostly for curiosity's sake, Dweck's may be very important in my situation, and Pinsky's couldn't hurt. :)