Congratulating myself

Because of my anxiety and also having bipolar II (mainly depression,  but also sometimes hypomania, I use an app called Daylio on my phone to track my moods every day. I have kept that mood diary for exactly eight years today. 

Sigh

I've felt off today, not depressed or blah even, just kind of blunted and quiet and unmotivated. It was an okay day. I'm taking my meds regularly. I haven't gotten much sleep this weekend and I haven't eaten the best, but other than that things have gone pretty well. A coworker rubbed my shoulders earlier and she said I was really tense, but that's not unusual. My stomach and head hurt a bit and I'm one of those people who carry a lot tension in the body a lot, so that's telling. I don't know what's going on. I'm going to go to bed early and see if tomorrow is any better. I've been pretty happy and relaxed lately, but who knows what's going on with my neurotransmitters. This is why I keep a mood diary and try to stay aware of how I feel. Today I knew things were off but I can't figure how or why. It's frustrating living in my head sometimes.

Update on my mood issues

In the last couple of days I have:

1. Called and made an appointment with my psychiatrist.
2. Received a phone number for a therapist a friend goes to that he thought would help me.
3. Received a phone call from the lady I spoke with the other day who said that despite my severe depression, they were willing to have me participate, so I'll meet with her on Tuesdays (she's a behavioural therapist) and with a behavioural coach on Thursdays.

It can't hurt to have too much intervention, I don't think. I meant to call my friend's therapist yesterday when I was off from work, but was too loopy to remember after the MRI.

I've known for awhile that I needed to get into therapy and that I was feeling down, I just didn't really realise how bad it had gotten till I'd spoken with the woman from Able To, which partnered with UnitedHealthcare. Being given the 988 number plus the closest hospital for mental health crises was kind of a wake up call. Her first appointment was in March, but she decided she wanted to start things this month, in a couple of weeks. I think she was afraid to let it go longer. So that's that. I'll have a whole team to help.

I think even people who have a background in psychiatry tend to think of the manic phase of bipolar disorder more than the depressive one. I spent most of my childhood, in retrospect, fairly depressed, and was very depressed when I was a teen and young adult. Since then I've cycled between both occasionally, with hypomania less than depression [I've never had a true manic episode--I think--but plenty of hypomanic ones, so I'm considered Bipolar II in terms of classification. Also, I used to have (before medication) these emotional storms that were so overwhelming. often lasting about 20 or 30 minutes, coming on like a seizure. I'm not sure if they're related to that, or not. They were the closest I ever got to actually killing myself that I've really gotten to, especially if driving (I have driving anxiety, which I think contributed, as anxiety seems to fuel my depression and vice versa). If I were home I could get into bed and ride it out. But they were draining. Once I was given mood-stabilisers, it helped so much, and I haven't had one in years. I never have done cutting, but I have ruminated over self-harm and/or dwelt on the idea that the world would be better off without me. And that scares me. And I've been thinking on and off that way since about November, so it's lasted several weeks. I'm hoping my psychiatrist can help in the short term and getting therapy will help in the long run. Just taking those steps have helped a little, I guess. I'm not feeling quite so overwhelmed. So here's helping all this helps.

I should be asleep

But I'm not very tired, which is a little odd.  I was pretty active today, walking over 7500 steps, although I did not go to the Y and work out, mainly because I had some errands to run that had to be done today and while I could have gone to open swim after 8:15 pm, that's a little late.  I don't know about exercising that late.  Of course, it's a warm water pool and it's pretty relaxing, so maybe it'll be fine.  I'm definitely going to try to go to the gym Saturday for a much longer time, try the Nu-Step machines and the pool and try to figure out where the sauna is, as that's always nice to end with.  (I did see where the hot tub is. I've never been in one but it looked very inviting.

I was sharing things from my newsfeed on Facebook and apparently, I got share-silly because a pop-up window came up asking me if I was a robot; I had to check the box to continue.  I need to be doing more sharing on this page; I've hardly written anything all summer.  I'm going to take the 'habit' I have on my phone on Habitica (the app that's a productivity one but with avatars and roleplaying game trappings that I've used for years now) and make it a daily, meaning I'll be more likely to think to write.

There are several applications I'm using right now that I'm finding useful for my health, beyond the one that comes with my activity tracker or something like Samsung Health or Google Fit.  I highly recommend them:

Daylio -- This is a mood tracker that I've used now for over 1100 days (I know, I have entries for that many).  Given that I have Bipolar Disorder II, it's been really helpful in seeing how my mood varies.  I'm generally in the good category, so that's nice to see.  It allows you to track activities as well that might contribute to the mood.

PainScale -- This app allows you to track where and how intense your pain is, as well as a journal, keep track of treatments, triggers, and you can also track food to see if what you're eating is contributing.  It keeps track of the weather and activity factors as well.

Ate -- This one is in beta.  It's a visual food diary that has you take a picture of your meal and then answer a few questions that have to do with mindfulness--why did you eat, who did you eat with, where did you eat, etc., and rather than keeping track of nutrients and calories, it asks were you 'on path' or 'off path'.  It also calculates the time between eating.  So instead of working with minutiae, you're getting to the reasons why you eat and how mindfully.  I mentioned it to my therapist, actually, as in addition to cognitive-behavioural therapy she includes mindfulness. I'm seeing her about every three or four weeks.

Okay, I think I will try to go to sleep, maybe listen to some soothing music.  I've been listening to the collaborative album Ed Sheeran put out all day, and I've now got 'South of the Border' stuck in my head.  I like it, don't get me wrong, but it's too damn catchy.

Have a good night.

My mood

Over the last few days, during the four-day weekend I took and going back to work today, has been really great.

Just had a wonderful meal

of lentil loaf, Gruyère velouté soup, homemade bread, and a Belgian endive/mushroom/asparagus salad. Really, the groceries cost very little, but the meal would be ridiculously expensive were we to dine in a restaurant. I love YKWIA's cooking. All I did was chop up two onions this time (he's very sensitive to onions as far as eyes watering, and I usually fare better, particularly if I have my contacts in) and the cleanup. I have two pots soaking at the moment. Otherwise, it's all in the dishwasher, which is running, or I've hand washed it.

Today there wasn't a game, but I worked four hours. We'd signed up for some voluntary overtime, and the folks who worked on Saturday got all the grid shuffling done (we have new scheduling grids, so it's a means to put the displaced appointments back in where they go--it takes much less time than rescheduling every appointment).  No one was certain how long it would take, so they had us working on it through the weekend and Monday [the medical centre is closed tomorrow for Presidents' Day].  It looked like I wouldn't be working after all, but my boss said I could come in today and get some things done.  There's enough in a couple of queues for me to work all day so I will be coming in tomorrow.  Today I reviewed some of the reschedules and mostly stuffed envelopes of letters going out for appointments that shifted more than 10 minutes in the process.  I hand-addressed and licked every envelope.  Apparently, our postal meter machine will seal the envelopes, but I wasn't sure about that, and by the time I found out otherwise, I was almost finished. :)  It wasn't too bad, though.

The other night I sat down and did some financial stuff and really fell into a funk that spilt over into grief over my mother (the anniversary of her death is coming up) and general issues of sadness.  I stayed in bed all evening and really felt emotionally hung over the next day.  I cried a lot and there were bags under my eyes that covered half of my face the next day.  I don't know, the financial stuff triggered it, but I don't know where all this anxiety and gloominess came from.  I listened to a lot of Simon and Garfunkel, which made me feel better (their music always does, despite the tendency to sing about death, suicide, depression, and the like).

Yesterday, like I said, I felt hungover and achy, mostly a combination of emotional overwroughtness and then arthritis acting up, as it was an extremely rainy day.  Today I felt much better, thankfully.

Anyway, that's why I hadn't been writing. I'd gotten onto Facebook in my funk for a bit but mostly stayed off the computer completely.  But I am doing better.  I did chores today, and I need to do my laundry tomorrow after work (I did the dog blankets and bath mat today,  as I meant to do those last week, and there has been a prodigious amount of mud brought into the house over the last few days, with all the rain).  Today was a little warmer and the sun actually came out, and it did a lot for my mood.  Tomorrow it's supposed to be in the 70s.  We've got rain coming back in the forecast, though.

Okay, I'm going to check off my Habitica checkboxes, scrub those pans, and probably go on to bed a little early.  Good night.

Then there's this

These screenshots from the app Daylio on my phone pretty much sum up today.  Well,  add some anger in the mix,  too.

Odd

You wouldn't think I would fine Linkin Park's Meteora to be relaxing music before bedtime, but that's exactly what I'm doing. I couldn't actually sleep to it, but I do find it takes some of the tension out, even cleanses my emotions a bit. Weird.

I have been extremely productive over the past two days, both at work and outside it. Yesterday I moved the better part of 800 books, many of them twice, as I integrated the newer books into my collection, which had become crowded early in the classification scheme (which is odd, as most of what I get are WE, WS, and WY (musculoskeletal, pediatric, and nursing, respectively, in the National Library of Medicine classification system). I evened things out and got everything put in properly, with just a few oversized books to work left at end of day. I also entered a lot of data entry sheets, as Friday had been a large day in clinic for that day of the week and Monday was busy, too.

After work on Monday I took a friend to a 5:45 appointment, then helped him with some things around the house. I also went to the library and picked up an interlibrary loan for him and a book for me. Between all the book moving and all, I was pretty tired yesterday evening when I did get home and I relaxed with some music and went on to bed.

The odd thing was my back didn't hurt at all, even with all the moving and walking I've done. Maybe it's feeling better, and more activity should help.

This morning I moved a bunch of children's books from one cart to the smaller one so that I could take that to the clinic when it's not insanely busy over there (which it was, today). I also packaged up and prepared some book cards and pockets to be sent to other libraries that could use them. I catalogued the last three books of my collection, from the order I made in July (they'd been on backorder). I had just enough labels, pockets, cards, etc. to process them. I had to use laminating sheets cut to fit rather than label protectors. But hey, I got it taken care of. I took the lobby magazines to their p;ace and shelved the new journals in the library. The library itself is looking neat and nice. Tomorrow I'd like to move the bound journals down so I can finally get some old Journal of Bone and Joint Surgery issues in their proper place. That might actually take a couple of days.

I did a lot on referrals today, and did a lot of charge entry sheets and the operating room reconciliation. I also sent a message to the therapist I'm trying to get in to see, since when I call I tend to get the answering service (real people), and I don't want to keep playing phone tag with them in the middle.

After work I went over to YKWIA's and helped him with a few things, watched a play called Dark of the Moon that his grandmother had taken him to as a child that was very interesting, and then I went to the store and got some groceries he needed. Now I'm home, I've taken my nightly meds, gotten ready for bed, and will turn in soon, because I have to get over to his house at 6:30 in the morning in order to make sure he's awake and ready before a 9 am appointment. Then it's back to work and hopefully lots of productivity again.

I've been feeling well the last couple days, and a little less anxious, despite the fact that this morning two cars nearly collided in front of me, and the first thing I did upon getting to the office was to accidentally dump out my meds from their reminder box, and I had to figure out which bin was missing which tablet. :) But my mood stayed steady.

Maybe the hormonal stuff has passed for the month, although I haven't started my period yet and I'm three to four days overdue. Ah, perimenopause.

Okay, the album has ended. I should head on to bed. It's early, but morning comes very early. Good night.

I've felt off lately

and YKWIA has noticed it too. I'm wondering if it's the Strattera I started a couple of weeks ago for attention-deficit disorder. I've been on it before, several years ago, without problem, but my mood has been somewhat depressed and blah of late. I don't know if it's my normal mood fluctuations, or if it is the medicine. I'll give it a little more time to see. I go back to my doctor in early September, and I haven't quite reached the therapeutic level yet in terms of ramping up the dose slowly. I'm close, but not there yet. So far I haven't really seen any really beneficial effects, but I'm not at the full 80 mg yet, either, of course.

Despite feeling off, I had a good day. We went out to Masala, the Indian restaurant for the buffet, and my friends picked up my meal, along with a scoop of Baskin-Robbins ice cream (pumpkin cheesecake) afterwards. Then we went to Barnes & Noble, which is in Hamburg (Masala is in Beaumont, so on opposite sides of town). I stayed in the car during that (my back was still bothering me, and the seat in the car is comfortable. Plus, I find it somewhat painful to go into bookstores when I have no money to spend). :) I accidentally left the ignition on accessory, and didn't notice because I'd turned the radio off, and the battery almost didn't start, so that was a little worrisome--but it did, on the third try, and I drove enough to get the battery back up to speed over the rest of the day. After Barnes & Noble, we went to Lowe's there in Hamburg (I had not been in that one before). After I took my friends home, A and I went and did the grocery run. After that, YKWIA and I watched an episode of 'Lost Girl' (we're in the second season, now). During that, Brenda called. Her son is getting married next month and she had forgotten that the second bridal shower was tomorrow, so she'll be going to that instead of the game. This put me off the hook for having the game notes finished by tomorrow, and it also means I can go over a little later in the day. Yay!

I've been home for awhile and have been working on revising a document with my characters' pictures in it (mostly actors and actresses that YKWIA or I thought would match them well). I put it into a format his version of Word (XP) will read--he has no desire to upgrade to one with tabs and a ribbon, so the one he had from school still suffices for him. Here are the people that were picked:

• Zooey Deschanel
• Emilie de Ravin
• Lisa Edelstein
• Melina Kanakaredes
• Dana Delany
• Anne Hathaway
• Morena Baccarin
• Max Greenfield
• Kristanna Loken

There is one character that I cannot find a photograph for, but I found a very representative drawing that worked. She was originally modelled somewhat after Gillian Anderson, but had a couple of physical transformations that made her hair white, her eyes green, but otherwise she looks like an ancient Aegyptian. That's hard to find. :) But I found a portrait of a woman who looked right who had a headdress on so you couldn't see the colour of her hair. Oh, did I mention she is both a doctor and a necromancer? Oddly enough, we have another one of those, a male non-player character that started out as a player character (until she left). He is married to the latest of my characters, the one who looks like Kristanna Loken.

Anyway, I sent that on to him. I'll print out the newer pictures (I did some revisions, based on his input) and affix them to my character sheets. So that's been a fun couple of hours.

I think I'll do some reading now. I'm wanting to watch 'Galaxy Quest', but I don't feel like going out to the living room, and the little DVD player I have is out there, so it's either hook it up here to my ancient (circa 1990) TV, or take the fan, with its wonderful breeze, out there. :)

I was feeling pretty down today

And I still am, somewhat, but a co-worker helped boost my mood earlier, thankfully, as I was in the would-anyone-care-if-I-were-gone sort of funk. I've been in some amount of funk for awhile, though. Of course, I know (as proven by my near-miss with the ankle injury when I was hit by a car) that the answer regarding other people caring is yes, but sometimes it's hard to remember that. There are several reasons for my mood, all of which I know in my heart will get better, but yeah, today was not a great day. Despite that I was very productive and helped several people who needed it. I didn't let my mood interfere with work. But inside my head was not so fun today. But I won't focus on the problems with my life in this post, but try to just weather them and do what I can to improve the situation. It's true I've been stressed of late, and I had some particularly disappointing news today, but it will get better. I have to believe that. But now I'm home, and one of the things I can do is try to work out some of the stuff at the apartment that's bugging me. Having a cluttered space tends to make me more stressed, which is bad in someone who tends to collect clutter. So a little purging is in order, I think.

Still feeling a bit blah

So maybe it is my hormones. But I did enjoy watching 'The Awesomes' and 'Haven' with YKWIA tonight, and I fixed a summer squash and couscous dish that was pretty decent (I think that's the first time I've really cooked in their kitchen without supervision, beyond tuna gruel or rice with microwaved fish. YKWIA and I are already working on ways to improve the recipe.) I enjoyed doing that. It just seems a little muted compared to normal, though, so maybe I'm just a little depressed. I get that way sometimes, although normally not for protracted periods, thankfully, or at least anymore. I'm not having mood swings or anything like that. I just feel a bit like I'm going through the motions or I'm on autopilot, that's all. So now I am home, and oddly tired, and I think I'm going to listen to some Loreena McKennitt and head on to bed, even though it's just about 10:30 pm. I have a fairly busy week ahead of me. Good night.

I feel sad and weary

Not tired. It's not that. It's more like an emotional weariness and sadness combined. I'm not sure why. I just feel that way. It could be hormonal, I suppose. But I actually had a pretty decent weekend. Today I got over to my friends' house not just on time but early, with everything I'm supposed to have with me, properly fed and medicated ahead of time. It was a good visit. I cleaned the house with a little help from A. I was going to fix some squash and couscous, but YKWIA wasn't in the mood; we'll try for tomorrow. Instead, YKWIA and I watched an episode of 'Haven'. We played the game once Brenda arrived, for about five-and-a-half hours, and then YKWIA and I watched 'Witches of East End'. But I feel kind of like I was just going through the motions. My heart wasn't really in it. I did enjoy myself, but not fully. So tonight I'm home, it's late (of course), and while I normally don't write on game nights, I have to admit, I'm a little troubled. I've got some Loreena McKennitt on and I think I'm going to do some introspection to see where the unhappy mood is coming from. It may just be that I haven't had a night to myself in almost two weeks. Or a little stress where money and job hunting are concerned. It may be completely hormonal. I'm just not sure. So I'm going to sit and think for a bit, something I do far too rarely when it comes to figuring out my psyche. Usually YKWIA is a good sounding board/therapist, but this one I think I need to work on myself.

It wasn't my intention

to have my blog turn somewhat melancholic and sad, but that is how I've felt lately, and it does reflect my emotions. Hopefully things will perk up a bit again soon. Tomorrow is the visitation; Thursday is the funeral. After we've said our last goodbyes to my grandmother, the mood should lighten somewhat. Stick with me....

Feeling much better

after getting some rest. I put on my Relax Melodies application set to flute and rain and wound up actually curling up in bed for two-and-a-half hours. But gee, I feel like a normal human again and not some grouch in trash can. I'm trying to decide if I want to salvage my plans to work on the house, or maybe just do some reading. Really, at this point (it's almost 9:30 pm) I'm thinking the latter. Tomorrow is another day, and the mess will still be here tomorrow.

I rather like this song

And the .mp3 album was only $5.99 on Amazon, so I downloaded it. Kudos to the person who put the video up on YouTube and actually spelled 'losing' correctly; that's rare on the Internet. :)

I'm home after spending some time with friends and catching up on our Wednesday night TV shows that we missed due to the dinner out at Alfalfa's. There's no game tomorrow, so we're going to try to watch The Blues Brothers then. I should really work on game notes tonight. I may. But I may just relax. I've been irritable all day, probably because I had to wait till yesterday to get some meds that keep my moods balanced, now that I'm out of flexible spending money and all. I'm not sure I was really good company today. There were no breakdowns or anything like that, but I did get asked if it were time for my period, so I'm assuming I was acting like I had PMS. Sigh. Well, I'm back on them and my mood should even out within a day or so. But this is why I'm usually so careful to stay on my meds--I've been off them for only three days. Okay, back to taking it easy and having a quiet evening at home. My music should be downloaded now. I may write later, but if not, good night.

I think I'm back

to some semblance of normalcy. I woke up this morning and it's like someone turned the dial and my mood seemed, well, mostly okay. That's how it happens. sometimes. It's like the hormones and brain chemistry just shifted into place. I'm not going to complain.

I went over to YKWIA's for awhile and we watched the very last 'Jam & Jerusalem'. I'll miss Sal, Tip, Rosie, and the others. It was a fun little show.

Now I'm home and contemplating what to do next. I need to go over my lease and sign it, but it's not vital I do that tonight. I might watch a little something or maybe read--I haven't decided. I'm hopelessly behind on shows like 'Doctor Who', 'Grimm', and 'Downton Abbey'. What I do know is that it's time to take out the contacts and get into comfy clothes. Then I think I'll check out some stuff online. I haven't touched the computer at home in something like three days--I've been blogging (what little I've been doing) from my phone while curled up in a ball in bed.

If I don't write anymore tonight, I hope your week is going well. Take care.

Listening to

Linkin Park, 'Lost in the Echo'

Okay, Ed Sheeran's album + tends to help my mood, but I've listened to it a lot since I got it and I'm kind of immune to its initial effects. Ophelia by Natalie Merchant brings up some painful stuff from my past. I think I'm going to go for a certain catharsis with Linkin Park's Living Things. Maybe that will help.

I feel less down now

Brandon gave me a pep talk both my text and phone even though he wasn't feeling very well himself, and that really helped. Later A called and checked on me. Bless his heart, he even said he'd do my laundry for me.

Despite that, it's been a gloomy day where I could barely keep awake most of the time. I kept falling asleep for an hour, wake up, fall asleep, wake up. I feel like today was some sort of half existence. Maybe things are just catching up with me, I don't know. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I didn't get a single thing I meant to do today done

and by the time I got to work I'd worked myself into a tizzy over the notes, etc. But my day improved after I got into the swing of working (it's hard for me to stay in a bad mood when I'm waiting on customers). And really, it's fine, I'll work on notes tonight and do laundry tomorrow night, go to bed early tomorrow night to make up for the lack of sleep tonight, and go from there. It's not worth being upset. I should have gotten things done earlier. But I was very productive at work despite my feet, which worsened over the shift, and I remained upbeat and cheerful. Plus, since it was a company holiday, I should get double time for my efforts, meaning it will be like I worked 16 hours instead of 8, or 6 more than I would have originally gotten credit for as scheduled.

So now I'm home and I'm resisting the comfy chair, even though I want to put my feet up, and I'm going to work on the notes for awhile. Wish me luck!

You'd never know from the last few posts

but I've been in a very good mood of late. My feet aren't hurting quite as much (still some, but I'm not hobbling home for forty minutes and three blocks). I got a call from the UK medical library regarding a job interview (yay!). I'm generally pretty happy with life right now. So just wanted to let you know I'm not becoming a curmudgeon. :)