Update on my mood issues

In the last couple of days I have:

1. Called and made an appointment with my psychiatrist.
2. Received a phone number for a therapist a friend goes to that he thought would help me.
3. Received a phone call from the lady I spoke with the other day who said that despite my severe depression, they were willing to have me participate, so I'll meet with her on Tuesdays (she's a behavioural therapist) and with a behavioural coach on Thursdays.

It can't hurt to have too much intervention, I don't think. I meant to call my friend's therapist yesterday when I was off from work, but was too loopy to remember after the MRI.

I've known for awhile that I needed to get into therapy and that I was feeling down, I just didn't really realise how bad it had gotten till I'd spoken with the woman from Able To, which partnered with UnitedHealthcare. Being given the 988 number plus the closest hospital for mental health crises was kind of a wake up call. Her first appointment was in March, but she decided she wanted to start things this month, in a couple of weeks. I think she was afraid to let it go longer. So that's that. I'll have a whole team to help.

I think even people who have a background in psychiatry tend to think of the manic phase of bipolar disorder more than the depressive one. I spent most of my childhood, in retrospect, fairly depressed, and was very depressed when I was a teen and young adult. Since then I've cycled between both occasionally, with hypomania less than depression [I've never had a true manic episode--I think--but plenty of hypomanic ones, so I'm considered Bipolar II in terms of classification. Also, I used to have (before medication) these emotional storms that were so overwhelming. often lasting about 20 or 30 minutes, coming on like a seizure. I'm not sure if they're related to that, or not. They were the closest I ever got to actually killing myself that I've really gotten to, especially if driving (I have driving anxiety, which I think contributed, as anxiety seems to fuel my depression and vice versa). If I were home I could get into bed and ride it out. But they were draining. Once I was given mood-stabilisers, it helped so much, and I haven't had one in years. I never have done cutting, but I have ruminated over self-harm and/or dwelt on the idea that the world would be better off without me. And that scares me. And I've been thinking on and off that way since about November, so it's lasted several weeks. I'm hoping my psychiatrist can help in the short term and getting therapy will help in the long run. Just taking those steps have helped a little, I guess. I'm not feeling quite so overwhelmed. So here's helping all this helps.

I hesitate to write this

But last night the stress of trying to keep everything current with no money coming in (well, theoretically there's money coming, but it hasn't gotten here and I'm not sure when it will) got to me, I got very upset to the point of what I used to call an emotional storm. I used to have those fairly often, but haven't had one in years. It's almost like an emotional seizure. You get so emotional, you get so caught up with anxiety and depressive thoughts all at once, that you can become dissociative, or in my case last night, you want to hurt yourself, and you have suicidal ideation. Usually they last about 20 minutes, leaving you exhausted. Last night's was about two hours. It included intense crying, and I really had to do a lot of self-talk, as my best friend couldn't deal with me, and it never occurred to me to call a hotline, which is what I should have done.

Today I've felt drained and hung over. I haven't gotten much if anything accomplished, although I did try. And I found out there was a check issued today by the unemployment office, although it won't be here in time to keep a debit from causing an overdraught. I was trying so hard not to let that happen. But I'd been told some of the money should come in mid-April, and the unemployment was supposed to be automatically deposited a week after I was finally able to get benefits. Neither of those were the case, which proves that in case of finances, don't believe anyone unless they put it in writing, and even then, be suspicious.

Still, things should eventually get better. I'm still looking for work every day, applying for jobs, and I should have money coming in, as Sunday I request my next benefit payment, which will be for a full two weeks and hopefully they'll have the automatic payment set up by then. I'm even getting my tiny refund from the state on Monday, according to the credit union. It's just none of it was in time. But there's worse things than overdrawing an account. I know my reaction was over the top--it's a known issue I'll discuss with my therapist and psychiatrist. But it was still scary.

I should add

That just because I'm having suicidal thoughts doesn't mean that I think I'm in any danger of carrying them out. It's not the kind of ruminations that you get with standard depression. It has to do with my moods, which swing rapidly when I'm under stress. But even then, my mind talks me down. I tend to get these emotional storms that last about 20 minutes or so, and if I can ride them out, I'll be okay. If I felt I couldn't do that, then I'd check in somewhere in a heartbeat--especially now that I don't have to worry about who would take care of Cerys. But at this point I'd be running away from things and it would only make it worse. So I'll stick things out and hopefully they'll improve.