I hesitate to write this

But last night the stress of trying to keep everything current with no money coming in (well, theoretically there's money coming, but it hasn't gotten here and I'm not sure when it will) got to me, I got very upset to the point of what I used to call an emotional storm. I used to have those fairly often, but haven't had one in years. It's almost like an emotional seizure. You get so emotional, you get so caught up with anxiety and depressive thoughts all at once, that you can become dissociative, or in my case last night, you want to hurt yourself, and you have suicidal ideation. Usually they last about 20 minutes, leaving you exhausted. Last night's was about two hours. It included intense crying, and I really had to do a lot of self-talk, as my best friend couldn't deal with me, and it never occurred to me to call a hotline, which is what I should have done.

Today I've felt drained and hung over. I haven't gotten much if anything accomplished, although I did try. And I found out there was a check issued today by the unemployment office, although it won't be here in time to keep a debit from causing an overdraught. I was trying so hard not to let that happen. But I'd been told some of the money should come in mid-April, and the unemployment was supposed to be automatically deposited a week after I was finally able to get benefits. Neither of those were the case, which proves that in case of finances, don't believe anyone unless they put it in writing, and even then, be suspicious.

Still, things should eventually get better. I'm still looking for work every day, applying for jobs, and I should have money coming in, as Sunday I request my next benefit payment, which will be for a full two weeks and hopefully they'll have the automatic payment set up by then. I'm even getting my tiny refund from the state on Monday, according to the credit union. It's just none of it was in time. But there's worse things than overdrawing an account. I know my reaction was over the top--it's a known issue I'll discuss with my therapist and psychiatrist. But it was still scary.