I am so tired

Of premenstrual syndrome, or in my case premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which is like PMS on steroids. It's been 40 years, after all. Surely my body couldn't have much left in terms of the baby-making factory. But here I am, at 52, still having horrible weeks and checking my calendar app WomanLog to see that I'm on day 26 and nothing seems to be stopping. I've had my periods pause for up to six months before coming raring back. You're not in menopause until the periods stop for 12 months straight; peri-menopause, the process of ceasing the cycle, can be unpredictable and a bumpy ride. And I'm sick of it all. Last period was fairly normal; the one before that I bled and bled like someone had stabbed me in an artery.

I remember being on the floor of our living room at age 13 in terrible pain, my legs up on the couch because my mom said that would help, and it did, although she never imparted the sage advice of a heating pad. That came from a gay friend who'd worked with lots of nurses. Every month, in and out, another reminder of womanhood, another battle for the emotions, another fourth of my monthly life given over to pain and blood, and of course in my case it was all for nought, as I was never pregnant (and never really wanted to be, mind you, except for about age 30-32, when my biological clock ticked and there was, fortunately, no man in my life at the time). So my periods have not been about the joy of life, but merely a personal nuisance at best and occasional torment. I don't have it worse than some; I've never had to have a hysterectomy or anything like that; the worst was having a D&C for fibroids and a biospy. But I'm definitely ready for menopause.

Something men just won't ever understand

So it's 11:15 at night. You suddenly realise that your period is about to start. Yes, calendars can help, but are not perfect, especially when you are in the throes of perimenopause. (My app, which analyses my periods as I put them in, says I start in six days, and it's usually pretty close). Do I have any feminine products in the house? I do a quick search and find three pads. Enough so I don't have to rush out to the store and buy them tonight. This is also why women squirrel tampons and pads in their purses, their work desks, etc. Whew!

Or we could be like Sheldon.

Hot

It's 74.5 degrees Fahrenheit in the apartment. I don't want to turn on the air conditioner yet, so I'm sitting in front of my bedroom fan. I sleep with one going all year round, under a single fuzzy blanket, as I'm hot-natured, and the perimenopause makes it worse.

I need to take a friend's food back to him tomorrow, as we transferred stuff to my refrigerator this weekend when his refrigerator (but apparently not the freezer, although we emptied that, too, as a precaution) went out. He's been storing half and half and mayonnaise (two absolute staples) in a cooler with ice in it, placed in the refrigerator. One thing that stayed in the freezer that he shared with me, though, were frozen bananas, wrapped in wax paper. They are sweet, cold, and a great substitute for ice cream. I may have to get some wax paper and start doing that. Try it, sometime.

Good news on the health front

So I went to my post-op appointment and everything was benign, and while I could take hormones to keep things on a more even keel,  I chose to just let things continue as is unless my symptoms get worse. There was no sign of cancer or hyperplasia.  Instead it was termed 'dysfunction of the uterine lining',  meaning the uterine wall swings between being too thick or too thin. Basically that's a fancy term for a side-effect of perimenopause,  like I hoped,  although given my risk factors it was good to check everything out. So,  no hysterectomy or progesterone IUD required. I'm breathing a sigh of relief tonight.

Tomorrow I have

a trans-vaginal ultrasound and a GYN appointment immediately thereafter to determine if I have endometrial hyperplasia. It's probably just as well that I'm having this done; I was supposed to start my period last week, and never had it, even spotting. While it could be just going into perimenopause, she thought there was a good chance that it is this, instead, as I am at a higher risk due to diabetes and polyscystic ovarian syndrome. If it comes back positive, that could mean treatment with progestin, a dilation and curettage (D & C), or worst-case scenario, maybe a hysterectomy. Since I have about nine months of health insurance through my job, it would good to find out now one way or another. I am a little nervous, I must admit. Wish me luck.

The last few days

I have come home and basically crashed before dark.  This weekend I got up in the middle of the night to get someone from work,  otherwise I think I would have slept the night through.  And while I did get up and do my nightly tasks tonight, like taking medicine and flossing,  and I find I'm both tired and restless at the same time right now,  I generally have been okay during the day but feel beat at night.  I'm wondering if my iron is dipping down.  I am on iron due to a deficiency, and I made the mistake of giving blood two weeks ago,  then had my period,  bleeding for four days,  and now I've bled again for five,  and it's worse at night for some reason.  My nurse practitioner said giving blood was the equivalent to three periods,  so in two weeks I've lost the equivalent of five months' worth of blood.  No wonder I'm tired. I'm definitely calling that gynaecologist's office tomorrow,  as this shows no sign of stopping, and it's not just spotting,  but rather sustained bleeding that gets heavier at night. Due to my diabetes and weight,  I'm at a higher risk for issues like fibroids or cancer,  so they suggest seeing a doctor then, according to one thing I read.  It certainly couldn't hurt. I think I'll ask the ladies I lunch with if they've experienced this, as most are post-menopausal and at least one had had a hysterectomy. I could use a little advice.  My best friend--a gay man--insists that I need a girlfriend for just such matters,  as he is neither qualified to give advice nor really wanting to hear about this stuff. And I may call a woman  I game with,  as I seem to recall she had some issues,  too. We'll see.  Thanks for putting up with my ramblings about this,  especially you guys out there.

What perverted minion of nature decided

That as a woman's fertility wanes,  she may,  for example,  have two periods in a month,  rather than one,  to the point where it seems the bleeding will never stop and it's probably messing up the calendar application used to track cycles. Welcome to perimenopause,  I guess.  I skipped completely in January,  so I guess this makes up for it.  Still,  I think it would be best not to assume it's normal for 'the change' and make a gynaecology appointment,  as it can be a sign of fibroids or even cancer,  and I'm a little overdue for an exam anyway.

3 am and I'm wide awake

And not sleepy or tired.  I think I'm definitely hypomanic,  triggered by my menstrual cycle.  I was depressed for days prior to my menses and especially during,  and as it almost finished I felt almost euphoric in comparison,  with every detail seeming to matter suddenly,  no need for sleep,  talking quickly,  thoughts racing, feeling sensual and hyperaware.  Yep,  classic symptoms.  I'm in my third day of that. Perimenopause is going to be great and yes,  I'm being a bit sarcastic. If my hormones shifts are going to cause mood swings,  and they have at the very least caused dysphoria during menses most of my life,  then I'm in for an interesting monthly ride.

I wonder

If the hormone changes I've had over the past month have tipped me into a mild bipolar cycle.  First I was blah and lifeless,  now I have all this energy,  and YKWIA was saying the other day that I was talking a mile a minute,  which could be push of speech.  That could explain the lack of appetite,  too. Hmm... Maybe I have something to bring up to my doctor next time see him. My meds may need some adjusting.

It was a blah day

And I really didn't come out of my blahness until after I cleaned my friends' house and sat down to watch 'The Shannara Chronicles' premiere (yes,  we're behind),  which was visually stunning,  pretty decent in terms of acting and story,  and generally I want to see more. I also want to go back and read the books,  as it has been ages, and I've only read the original trilogy anyway.  After that we watched another episode of 'Ugly Betty',  and then I headed home.  So it was not bad after the initial lack of enthusiasm. I think whatever was going on with my mood may be hormonal.  I still haven't had a period,  and it's been over a week since it was due.  (No worries about pregnancy,  at least.) It was also beautiful outside,  in the mid-60s and sunny.  I must admit,  we haven't had much of a winter yet,  but I'm already ready for spring.

Okay,  I've filled my pill box and done a few small things around here.  Time for bed. Good night.

It is late…

And I should be in bed, as it’s almost 1 am. But I just got in and it always takes me a bit of time to unwind. I’ve been spending some time with friends tonight, and trying to troubleshoot some issues YKWIA is having with my desktop over at his house. I also got the model number of his computer to try to match a decent power supply, as I think that is the problem he was encountering. If we can get his back up and running, that would be great, as he hates Windows 10 and Office 2013 (I’m eligible for Office 2016 for $9.95 through work, actually, but I’ll wait until I can properly download them.)

Last night I got some disturbing news and came home and just curled up in bed, thinking about the implications. I couldn’t really write; I just felt sad and helpless, and needed some time to come to grips with it. I won’t go into its cause; I feel a little better today because the shock of it has worn off a bit.

Today I went in early to work and had a performance appraisal, which went really well. Come March, I’m getting a 3% raise. Yay! I will have to go through an appraisal for the second part of my job there, as well, but I expect it will be the same.

One of my co-workers I was going to sub for in scheduling went on leave early, but they think they can handle things unless it gets super busy, in which case they might need me a day or so here and there. Since I have a stack of books waist-high to catalogue, on top of my regular duties, I’m fine with that. I’ve been putting off processing them until I had more time in the library. I’m doing well with the charge entry and reconciliation, but tomorrow I really want to give some extra attention to the referrals part of my job, as there is a report that is run on Mondays, and that gives me a couple of days to really get the queue down to just a few. Given the lateness of the hour, though, I think I’m going to just go ahead and shoot for my normal arrival time for work tomorrow. I need to still return that equipment to Time Warner Cable, but if all else fails, I can do that Saturday.

Today after work I went over to see my State Farm agent and discussed insurance with them. We'd already put in for a low mileage discount and the roadside assistance (replacing the AAA I had). My odometer was different than in my memory; I just passed 55,000 miles on my way there, but it still means that in three years I've only put on 20,000 miles, so I qualify. They like to meet their customers, and when I first got the car and signed up with them three years ago, we kept having scheduling issues, and I never came in. Because I wasn't sure if there was a physical inspection, I went ahead and finally cleaned out the car. After that I stopped by the store for about $10 worth of groceries, and then headed to my friends’ house. We watched some episodes of ‘Castle’ together, and then YKWIA and I watched ‘Lucifer’—which I really liked. I find it refreshing to watch someone who has absolutely no inhibitions or filter. YKWIA is a lot like that—very honest and blunt. I appreciate that in a person, and wish I could be better at it than I am. I helped him put away some things in his library and then worked on the computer. After that, I helped take care of some things to do with the dogs and made him tea. We also watched a few clips from 'Galavant'. I would like to watch Season 1 if we can find it somewhere. But I finally left, and when I started the car, I realised I had a thin glaze of ice on the car, and had to clean off the windshield, but the back looked clear until I went to back out. But by that time I was already moving, using the other mirrors, and just put on the rear defrost and hoped for the best. Fortunately, it didn’t take long to melt.

Tomorrow after work is physical therapy. I’m looking forward to it. Where we’ve had our sessions interrupted, I’ve been in quite a bit of pain if I stand for much time at all. I know things would be better if I could walk more, but it hurts to. My goal is to get to a point where my spine and hip flexors allow me to exercise. But it’s bad to do when you’re in acute pain, so I haven’t been. It’s very frustrating. I feel like I’m losing some of my mobility from it. Just walking from the library to the cafeteria, or doing things in the kitchen for about 15 minutes without sitting, is hurting. It’s mostly the lower back; my neck and thoracic spine are also stiff and hurting though, and improve with the manipulation my therapist is doing, plus exercises to strengthen the muscles. I’m hoping, if I just keep working at it, that it will help me be able to do what I used to.

I guess I can officially say I'm in perimenopause. I'm six (almost seven) days late on my period, with no chance of pregnancy, per my calendar log on my phone. The last period I had, right before new year's, lasted the normal time, but then I kept spotting for days afterwards, just a bit. So maybe that's why. But I've never been this far off before, maybe just a day or two at a time here and there. I guess I should start giving my libations at Dark of the Moon rather than with my periods, going forward from here. Still, it's weird.

Okay, I’m starting to really get sleepy. I suppose I should sign off here for the night. My lids are heavy and my legs are hurting a bit, so they need to be propped up and I need to stretch out on the bed. Good night.

Creepy

Last night I had a surprise. Four days after my period ended, I started back. This is the second time this year that I've had that sort of thing happen (last time was two days on, two days off, two days on, whereas this was four on, four off, then starting back again). I've also gone 35 days without one, am sometimes very hot, especially at night even with a fan, and have some other symptoms of perimenopause (that period leading up to menopause, which is technically only accomplished after an entire 12 months without a period). In frustration, I turned to Twitter, writing:

Anyone have good tips for dealing with #perimenopause? Looks like at 47 it is my time to start going through the 'change of life'.

Now I got a response from someone through Twitter, which I expected. What I didn't expect was to get a robocall on my unlisted cell phone today on menopause. As far as I know, my cell phone is not associated with me publically online. Even my online résumé only has my e-mail. But that's what happened. I didn't recognise the number (it just said unknown wireless caller), so I rejected the call, but listened to a bit of the voicemail later. Granted, it could have been mere coincidence, but I find that unlikely. I may do a little digging and see if I can explain it. Just doing a Google search, I can't find a correlation between my name and number online, and when I look up the number that was displayed, it turns out to be a spoofed number. But it was definitely weird, and not a little creepy.

It's 4:54 am

and I just woke up in pain, partly from my arm, but mainly from apparently starting my period five days early. Ever since I got the phone, I've been tracking them, and they're generally 25 days apart for five days. I thought I was going to start yesterday (hey, I've been doing this 32 years now, so I recognise the signs), but checked the calendar and said, no, surely not. Yet here I am, cramping and uncomfortable and bleeding. I have eaten a couple of string cheese servings to settle my stomach and taken some ibuprofen for the pain. I think it will kick in soon.

I'm wondering if maybe I am entering perimenopause, because your periods can become irregular. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome as well, which can also do that, but I've never missed a period and for the most part they've always been pretty reliable, with the few surprises coming from me not watching the calendar.

As PubMed Health says:

In some women, menstrual flow comes to a sudden halt. More commonly, it slowly stops over time. During this time, the menstrual periods generally become either more closely or more widely spaced. This irregularity may last for 1 - 3 years before menstruation finally ends completely. Before this the cycle length may shorten to as little as every 3 weeks.

I am 44, so it would make sense that I would start becoming irregular about now. That would put me at 46-48 or so for cessation of menses. I think my mother was 49 when she hit menopause itself, and that can be an indicator as to when a woman will actually stop.

That means I have to start thinking about things like hot flashes, osteoporosis, mood changes, etc. I've recently been given a bone density scan due to the stress fractures in my foot and it was normal, so I have a baseline as far as osteoporosis goes. Mood changes are an issue since I'm already bipolar II with more of a tendency for depression, but that is being treated. Hot flashes are supposedly awful, and I'm hot-natured anyway, but I can hopefully deal with them, because I still have doubts about some hormone replacement therapy, namely conjugated equine oestrogens (such as Premarin or Prempro), and its effects on the well-being of mares and foals used in the industry.

In general I welcome menopause, as I have no plans to procreate and I frankly would feel better in a relationship if there was no chance of conceiving. I certainly don't want to be one of those people who suddenly finds themselves raising a child in their mid-to-late 40s. I don't have enough energy for myself, let alone a child, plus I don't have the financial stability and frankly don't have the temperament for it, and recognise that fact. I wish more women who were bad mothers did.

One important thing that would change would be the timing of my monthly libations to Hekate. During the years of menstruation, the wine is given to coincide with the period. Once I go through menopause, that will move to the dark of the moon. Fortunately I'm very good at keeping an eye on moon phases (it being full as of tomorrow afternoon, for example). It's a fairly minor change in timing, but different all the same, so it has an impact on my religious practice.

Thank you for putting up with a post on a subject that many people, especially men, shy away from. I'm going to go back to bed now that the pain is gone. Have a good rest of the night and a great tomorrow as well.