Our plans were put on hold tonight so I listened to music, trying out some new headphones I have, and for whatever reason, I started listening to a lot of older Linkin Park, mainly the albums Metora and Hybrid Theory. I remembered that Chester Bennington's death had been around this time of the year, and I checked, it was the 20th of July 2017. Hard to believe it's been four years. It's a shame; he was very talented, and had a beautiful voice (when he was singing, as opposed to the occasional screaming, but you could never say he didn't put emotion into his work). That's what first appealed to me about them--Mike Shinoda's speaking and Chester Bennington singing, their voices intertwining. I think it was 'In the End' that I first heard them. There's a dark aspect to their music, emotional, raw, and full of depression and hurt. I spent so much of my early life feeling exactly those things--I was clinically depressed from much of my childhood and teens all through my 30s. I felt trapped in circumstances in my early life, then wound up going from that to an emotionally abusive marriage where I walked on eggshells for a six-year relationship that culminated in my wedding and then finally getting my voice and leaving six months into the fiasco that was. Then there were years of trying to rebuild my life, or rather build it, because I'd always been a mirror of what people wanted me to be, rather than my own person. And once I stopped doing that, I was much happier. So you can see why their music appeals. (It's also why I like Simon & Garfunkel and Ed Sheeran, who often sing songs that are beautiful and light musically, but really quite depressive if you look at the lyrics. Simon & Garfunkel have suicide through several songs, and Ed Sheeran sings about drugs, prostitution, miscarriages, and all sorts of 'negative' things, but in a way that makes him sound happy.) Somehow I get all those. Linkin Park is a rawer kind of music, where the music itself expresses the pain, not just the lyrics.
I don't know why, even though I'm not in that place any more, I still feel comfort in this sort of music. Most people feel depressed listening to that sort of music. I feel more alive. It reminds me of the demons I've conquered. There are plenty I'm still working on, as it's a daily struggle with my brain to keep on an even keel. Thankfully I have a good support system, a friend of over 30 years (the same one who helped me get out of that awful marriage) who still asks me hard questions I can't dodge that cuts down on lies I might tell myself, and then I can't tell you how different my life is with the right medicine. My brain chemistry hates me, and while I sometimes wish that wasn't so, I know I need help, and there's no shame in that. My roommate is very astute at sensing changes in my mood, and helping with my anxiety, which without medication would be crippling.
I know that's a fairly heavy post. Sorry about that, I didn't mean to go all dark on you. It's one reason I try to keep things upbeat here, because of that tendency. I'm feeling actually pretty decent tonight. It was a good week, I got a lot done, I feel good about myself. But it did make me reflect on how far I've come. If you told me at age 20 that I'd have connexions to so many people who make my life better, I'd think you were crazy. I was so alone for so long. Thanks for being there. You know who you all are.
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