*Warning, long, somewhat whining post, even though I have so much to be grateful for, and others are going through so much more than I*
Up briefly in the night. I'd struggled after a long day of work with way too much stimulation with fraying just a bit but not actually breaking down, had to go to two stores to get challah, came home and crashed for two hours, came out to make and eat a sandwhich, and went back to sleep shortly thereafter. Essentially I was utterly exhausted; my roommate virtually sent me to bed when I got home at 7 PM (I'd started my day working at about 7 AM, scheduled till 5 PM). He even did a couple of my chores. It's 4 AM now and I finally feel human again. Although we were very busy and the flow of the front desk, which I was covering all day while training a new person, is different, I don't think today was what did it, but a combination of weeks of too much stimulation with lights and crying children and happy ones, and other noise and all the stress of being 'on' all the time., plus a lot of personal life stress. Plus we're in fracture season, the numbers are up, and it's difficult to fit people into the schedules [although thank goodness I can overbook on the computer now, rather than having to call others to do it]; I feel like I'm constantly juggling and I'm just trying not to drop any balls. And today things just were not so much chaotic as crazy, with weird stuff that happens but are involved all while other people are coming in. I was scheduled for a 10-hour day and had had one on Monday as well. I used to do that all the time when I was working two jobs, but it's somehow not the same. I finally ate lunch at 3:30. My legs are killing me from sitting even more than I do at my desk. I think I had taken two bathroom breaks and got up a total of five times during the time I was out there. I just felt a little tied to the desk. Don't get me wrong, I love my job in many ways. I am also very grateful to have it, as I have been laid off once and partially so (hours cut back or position eliminated twice) over 27 years and they've always done their best to keep me on, bring me back, or move me to another job. I love where I work, and the health insurance is outstanding, which I need badly. But I was much more suited to being a librarian and I know it. Even the insurance job, while stressful and a lot rode on it, was quieter and less stimulating.
I'm sure I'll feel better about it once I've had the weekend to decompress and recharge. I feel better already now that I've gotten some rest. It's not like I'm the only one who has days like this, and a lot of people have much more stressful jobs that they have to take home with them or have to make decisions with a lot riding on them. I don't. But I just recently began to understand a little more of why days like today nearly make me shut down, and while that's great to know, it's also very frustrating, because it takes so much effort to do things when it shouldn't, but I just have to try to deal with how I'm wired. And I have always been able to hold work, and do a good job, and a lot of people with similar issues struggle a lot more than I do. And while I came close to breaking down today, I did for the most part manage to keep it together, so that's a plus. I don't normally feel this way every day.after all. But today surprised me. It wasn't one of our super-busy days. In some ways, the job I was doing was easier than the one I usually do. I don't know why today was just so much in terms of feeling overwhelmed, but tomorrow, as Scarlett O'Hara would say, is another day. And I'm back at my desk and it'll be a busy Friday but slower than the rest of the week. It'll be okay, although I have to get up early again due to physical therapy. For now though, I should just go back to bed for a bit and let my dreams hopefully wash away the day and allow me to get some rest. Thank you for listening.
*whine off*
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