Haven't done this in awhile

From Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, Book II, number III.

Do soul, do; abuse and contemn thyself; yet a while and the time for thee to respect thyself will be at an end. Every man's happiness depends from himself, but behold thy life is almost at an end while affording thyself no respect, thou dost make thy happiness to consist in the souls, and conceits, of others.

In other words, you grant the power to external validation, not to the internal, which is most important. Your opinion of yourself, your self-esteem, is more important than the thoughts and opinions of others. I have such a hard time with this. Recently I had a review where someone who barely knew me made some terribly incorrect assumptions about my motivation and ability to do my work, which was very disheartening, and it made me feel very bad about myself. Or, rather, it was the trigger, but I made myself feel bad. I felt useless like I'd wasted 27 years of investment in my workplace for nothing.

But we have power over that and only that. No one has the right to really expect their opinion to make or shape you, and more importantly, you should never give control of your life over to someone else, because no one can truly know you as you know yourself, at least if you've tried to gain some insight into your life. Right?

This got me thinking about high school tonight

From Facebook:

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school. This was kind of fun to think about!

The year was: 1984
1. Did you know your spouse? No.
2. Did you car pool to school? No, I walked through a cemetery.
3. What kind of car did you have? None--I didn't get my first car till I was 21.
4. What kind of car do you have now? Ford Taurus
5. It is Friday night... Football or basketball game? Neither. I wasn't into sports.
6. What kind of job did you have in high school? Docent at a local historical home.
7. What kind of job do you have now? Librarian/Data Entry Clerk.
8. Were you a party animal? I didn't even know how. Still don't.
9. Were you considered a jock? Hahahahaha.
10. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? No.
11. Were you a nerd? Yes. Definitely. Thank goodness geeks finally became somewhat chic.
12. Did you get suspended or expelled? No, I was a 'good girl'.
13. Can you sing the fight song? Not anymore. College yes, high school, no.
14. Who was your favorite high school teacher? Mr Don Hoffman (Chemistry & Physics), Mr Jim Moore (Math), and Mrs Alice Shelburne (English).
15. Where did you sit for lunch? Usually in the hall reading. I didn't eat lunch.
16. What was your school's full name? Danville High School
17. If you could go back and do it again, would you? Hell, no.
18. Did you have fun at prom? I didn't go
19. Do you still talk to your prom date? I didn't go.
20. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? No. I chickened out of my 30th.
21. Are you still in contact with people from school? Just Angela L Allen from Danville (I went the first two years in Belle Plaine, Kansas, and I keep up with some of my classmates from there, like Deana Full and Cj Applegate Stonehocker).
22. What are/were your school's colors? Blue and white.

I even pulled out my senior yearbook and memory book, because I was trying to remember the full name of one of my teachers. And you know what struck me? There are three people who signed my yearbook--the three teachers mentioned in the post. Just them. That's because I was incredibly shut down during my junior and senior years of high school, and barely talked to any of my classmates. My parents were divorcing, and it was incredibly difficult for me to deal with. I was living with my mom and grandparents, having left a school where I knew everyone, even though I was geeky and not particularly popular. I don't think I even participated in anything my junior year, when I moved back to Danville. But I rebounded enough to be in Academic Bowl, Spanish Club, the National Honor Society, and Future Homemakers of America in my senior year.

I don't know if the picture conveys it, but I was a very shy girl with terrible self-esteem, who spend most of her time inside books or in her own head, mostly making up stories I hoped one day to write. I felt so fat, so awkward. One of my classmates made fun of me, calling me 'Orez'--zero spelled backwards. I look at this girl now and she seems pretty and intelligent, and pretty together, all things considered. Why do we never see ourselves like that at the time?

I didn't go to my 30th reunion--or any other reunion, for that matter. I never felt that connected to my fellow students back then, after all, and I doubted anyone would remember me or care to know how my life has gone. Even now, with the maturity of age and all I've learned, I still feel like that shy girl sometimes, and I feel like I didn't live up to her potential. I was talking to YKWIA the other day, and he said something that kind of shocked me at the time, how he thought I'd lived up to about what he expected. I was shocked, because, well, I guess I thought I'd failed to live up to where I thought I should be. He pointed out that considering the various hurdles I've had, I've done pretty well, and I should be proud of what I've accomplished. He's right, of course. But it still shocked me a bit, because, well, most people don't tell the truth like he does, and certainly not so bluntly. But it's one of the things I value in him as a friend, after all. :)

Okay, I think I'm going to go on to bed--enough of travelling down memory lane. Good night!

Listening to:

and



Good night. I hope you had a decent weekend. Here's hoping the coming week will be lovely.

Came across this...granted it's a commercial

but we do need to increase the confidence level girls have in themselves.

Thinking of this song tonight and doing a little self-examination

This is one that every young person should hear...

Never let someone keep the light inside you suppressed and chained. Trust me, I've been there.  YKWIA, I think you'll like this. Thank you for helping me reclaim my world.

She is a pyramid
But with him she's just a grain of sand
This love's too strong like Mice and Men
Squeezing out the life that should be let in


She was a hurricane
But now she's just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with


She could be a Statue of Liberty
She could be Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark


Oh she used to be a pearl
Oh yeah she used to rule the world
Oh can't believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a pearl


She was unstoppable
Moved fast as like an avalanche
But now she’s stuck deep in cement
Wishing that they never ever met
She could be a Statue of Liberty
She could be a Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark


Oh She used to be a pearl
Oh yeah she used to rule the world
Oh can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a--


Do you know that there’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
You don’t have to be held down
Be held down
Be held down
Be held down


Cause I used to be a shell...
Yeah I let him rule my world
My world Oh yeah


But I woke up and grew strong and I can still go on
And no one can take my pearl
You don’t have to be a shell, no
You’re the one that rules your world, oh
You are strong and you’ll learn
That you can still go on
And you’ll always be a pearl

She is unstoppable

But first, quizzes!

Strange, as I am a Diet Pepsi/Diet Sunkist kind of girl

You Are Coke

A true original and classic, you represent the best of everything you can offer. Just the right amount of sweet, just the right amount of energy... you're the life of the party. Your best soda match: Mountain Dew Stay away from:Dr Pepper

What Kind of Soda Are You?

Your Learning Style: Unconventional and Insightful

You are very intuitive and ingenious. You're attracted to any field of study that lets you break the rules. You Should Study: Art Art history Architecture Comparative religions Eastern religion Education Music Philosophy

What Should You Study?

You Are Impressionism

You think the world is quite beautiful, especially if you look at it in new and interesting ways. You tend to focus on color and movement in art. For you, seeing the big picture is much more important than recording every little detail. You can find inspiration anywhere... especially from nature.

What Art Movement Are You?

You Are Pumpkin Pie

You're the perfect combo of uniqueness and quality Those who like you are looking for something (someone!) special

What Kind of Pie Are You?

You Have Low Self Esteem 80% of the Time

You tend to blame yourself when things go wrong, regardless of whether it's your fault or not. You're anxious to please others and rely too much on their opinions. Learn to please yourself first, and your confidence will soar.

How is Your Self Esteem?