Hmmm....an insider-turned-outsider's perspective on the Duggar abuse case

I could’ve been a Duggar wife: I grew up in the same church, and the abuse scandal doesn’t shock me

Unlike most of the writers covering the Duggar sex scandal, I was raised in Advanced Training Institute (ATI), the fundamentalist Christian organization with which the family is affiliated. Joshua Duggar’s confession of sexually molesting young girls in his family’s home when he was a teenager didn’t surprise me, nor should it surprise anyone with any intimate knowledge about this organization, because ATI’s theological beliefs and practices cultivate an environment where women and children are more vulnerable to rape and sexual abuse. Ironically, the same theological beliefs and practices at the heart of this scandal are the same beliefs that created the Duggars as a media phenomenon, and drew viewers and fans to their TLC show “19 Kids and Counting.”

Personally, I don't get the appeal that the Duggars had for viewers. Having that many children, in my opinion, in a world that has birth control and where people know how to use it, seems insane, irresponsible, and environmentally disastrous. I think people like the concept of good, wholesome people who are God-fearing and the such. But I think that's just a concept, an ideal, in this case. I don't have an issue with most people's beliefs, so long as there is no one being harmed by those beliefs, but if there is harm, then it really has to be examined and made right. And while I'm not against homeschooling, by any means, I think there are people out there who quite frankly don't know how to teach, don't know the subjects themselves, and don't bother to teach children with the rigour they should.

I hope that viewers get a clue and stop supporting these type of shows. Reality TV in and of itself is not really true entertainment, and quite frankly is deplorable. It's fake, but claims to be real. It amazes me that there are people out there who are famous and fabulously rich because they starred in a reality show. Come on, Hollywood, use some creativity--give us stories that matter, yet are riveting, and not in a train-wreck sort of way. And people need to hear about the darker side of these religious groups, whether it be ATI, or Scientology, or Child of God, or any of a number of movements that hold sway over their members down to their very thoughts.

What I find most deplorable of all about this situation is that while some amount of concern was shown for helping the teen who was the perpetrator in these sex abuses--however weak--no attempt at all seems to have been made to help the girls who were abused. And that, in my opinion, is not just wrong, un-Christian, and so sad, but is monstrous. But then, apparently female lives don't matter, and male ones do, in the Duggar world. If that's true, then it is a horrible place, and it should be shunned rather than broadcast to the masses as entertainment, for it could be damaging to other young girls in terms of its supposedly wholesome message.

Happy New Year

Okay, so I wasn't going to go online tonight, because it's so late and I've been painting a kitchen and utility room most of the day (1st coat, so you can guess what I'll be doing tomorrow, right?)

Then I heard a song on the radio and it kind of resonated with me, so I went online to see who did it and what it was called. Something about the music set things up for a dark, dissonant place. And the song spoke of suicide and feeling like not belonging. That's not how I feel now, but sometimes I do. The song is called 'Never Too Late' by Three Days Grace, a Canadian band.

And then I watched the video (the embedding is disabled, sorry). At first, my mind didn't register what I was watching, because I have a high 'ignore uncomfortable things' ability. But the emotions I was feeling couldn't be ignored, so I watched it again. And I felt even more drawn into it.

The lead singer, Adam Gontier, described the song as 'about being in a very dark place, but being able to see a way out.' It was written for his wife, who has battled depression, whilst he himself was in rehab for oxycontin use. In the video, symbolic imagery suggests a young girl is molested by a man, her parents blind to the abuse, and as a young woman she is institutionalised for trying to kill herself. At the end she is freed from her inner daemons. The video is well done. It is on a list of controversial videos for tackling molestation.

I was molested as a child by someone I trusted with my life, someone who was my world. That has marked me in so many ways, and my entire life has been touched by it, leaving me emotionally and psychologically stunted and for some time, unable to trust again. It is part of an environment that led to poor and often bizarre coping mechanisms, the most successful one being the ability to forget to the point where it's hard for me to remember the good in life.

I am tired of pushing the world away. I do it emotionally and I do it physically (One of the reasons I am so fat to keep people at a distance, with the idea that no one will want to have sex with me if I'm grossly obese; I also tend to hoard things as if to build walls between my world inside and the world of reality). I'm so busy hiding from the world, I'm not really living. Granted, I'm much better than I was 10 or 20 years ago, but there's still a lot of work to do.

So here's a hope for 2008--that I learn to tear down some walls, take care of myself, and to connect with my fellow humans some. It's only sort of a resolution. I don't have a plan. When you want to change your outlook, that's about changing feelings as much as it is about changing thoughts. It starts with being a little more aware of what's going on around you. So that's where I'm going to begin--paying attention to the things I do and the people around me, and any interaction between myself and others. Here's to some positive changes in 2008.

What do you want to change? (And just in case you were like me and didn't get to see the ball drop in NYC at midnight, thanks to modern technology you can see it all over as much as you want.) :)

Happy New Year, everyone. May 2008 be a great one.

Isn't it strange?

I spend a lot of my time trying to avoid being adult and responsible. Yet I carry deep-set feelings of responisbility for several things I experienced as a child, even though I was in no way to blame. Things like sexual abuse, never measuring up enough to be wanted, my parents' divorce, that kind of thing.

I'm learning to take responsibility for all the little and big things I should. But maybe I need to let go of the guilt and responsibility that I have left over from my childhood.

Maybe I try to avoid more responsibility because of the feelings I associate with it.

I know now that I was a bright, trusting, and lovable child that most people would have loved to have as their own. A lot of trust was broken, I felt terribly unlovable, and I took refuge in being bright but never really developed it as I should have. My emotional growth stopped when I was very young. My intellectual growth stopped as a teenager. I've come very far in getting them further down the pipeline. But I wonder if I hadn't had some of the experiences I had--if I'd been encouraged and nurtured, and most of all, not harmed, what kind of person I would be.

I don't know, maybe we grow and evolve more in the presence of adversity. But we also grow when nurtured. I can't ever get the nurturing I could have had, but I can nurture myself. So that's two ways to grow. So now it's time to plant some roots and flourish, don't you think?

That's good

Two more Pitcairn sex offenders sentenced to prison

I've followed this story for a couple of years now. It's distinguished from other cases in four ways:

1. The small, tight-knit community of about 50 people--nine families--many interrelated
2. The notoriety of Pitcairn, the island where Fletcher Christian and the other HMAV Bounty mutineers took Tahitian wives (some perhaps by force) and settled
3. The isolation of the island, half-way between New Zealand and Peru
4. The length of time this has been going on--four decades--becoming a culture of abuse

That brings a total of 8 men who have been sentenced in this scandal, including a former Mayor and a former Magistrate and representing a good chunk of the able-bodied men on the island. The British government, which claims sovereignty in this matter, will house the men in a prison built on the island in response to the convictions.

There have been several challenges in these cases, both in whether the British government does, indeed, have jurisdiction, and claims that sex with girls as young as 12 was seen as normal from the island's founding based on Polynesian customs. (The allegations, however, include girls as young as five).

Custom or not, it's obvious that this setup was very convenient for the men and devastating to the girls, judging from testimony, and certainly did not follow normal consensual parameters, if such young girls can even be said to have the ability to consent. It's good that these trials are putting it to an end and making the perpetrators accountable for their actions.

It's divided the community terribly, of course, and with it struggling with such a low population it may sound a death knell for Pitcairn. But this was important to bring to light regardless on the effect of the island. Hopefully, future children of the islanders will not have to worry about being raped in the underbrush. Kudos for those (outsiders, such as a policewoman and a Seventh-Day Adventist minister) who recognised the abuse and brought it to light and for those women and girls who stepped forward with their stories and maintained their complaints despite pressure from others in the community and with lingering trauma from the abuse itself.