Unshelved by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
comic strip overdue media

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

It's a beautiful day

Reading: Club Dead by Charlaine Harris

although I slept through some of it, given that that Saturday and Sunday nights I had four hours' worth of sleep each and last night I had a complete emotional purge and breakdown when some very deep psychological wounds were opened up and debrided. I think in the long run, I needed it. It let me know some of the things I have to change in my life. I was up pretty late with that, and overwrought, then came home and left my usual monthly libation to Hekate, praying I would find my way. I suppose it's good to approach a Goddess of madness when you're dealing with strong emotions, because afterwards I was calm and drained. As a result, today I overslept by over two hours and missed an appointment that unfortunately wasn't mine to miss (I was taking someone to theirs). So it wasn't a good beginning of the day.

I wound up doing my couple of hours of notes and then coming back home to rest, sleeping from 1 pm to about 5:30. It was nice to have an open window with the sun and a breeze streaming in, the forsythia outside blazing yellow. I went out to get some distilled water, quarters for laundry, and laundry detergent. As I was driving I noticed a big soap bubble drifting on the breeze, then another. Apparently someone was making bubbles, but there was no one in sight. There's no telling how far those bubbles made it. It was a cheering thought.

My clothes are drying now and then afterwards I'm going to head over to a friend's for awhile. In addition to laundry I also did a little organising. I'm trying to find two books. One is a collector's book for those state quarters, of which I have a few to put in. The other is Wizard for Hire, a compilation of the first three books of Jim Butcher's The Dresden Files series. I'd like to read that once I get through re-reading the three Sookie Stackhouse mysteries I own. But I can't find it anywhere...just its dust jacket. I have the second three now and I'd like to finish the first three, but I have to find it first. I actually ventured into my closets, which mainly contain comics and literature/general fiction/children's literature.

I'm off tomorrow (I've actually been off Monday and today, too) for my birthday and I'm thinking of going to the lunch buffet at India Garden, a new Indian restaurant near me. Afterwards maybe I'll sort through and straighten some things and see if I can find those books. I also need to get a haircut and renew my driver's licence soon.

I feel like tomorrow is a new year. I guess it is for me personally. I'll be forty-one. It's time for me to really embrace my age, to let go of the bad things about my childhood (which comprise most of it) and work on doing things I've dreamt about. I need to really get a sense of self, so that I can finally have some self-esteem and perhaps a relationship. I feel so empty sometimes. For years I was a mirror to anyone else who paid the slightest attention to me. I've worked very hard at being what they wanted me to be, to not living up to my own potential so that I would not surpass them, to turning off my brain and refusing to use my intelligence. It's left me with incredible depths of anger and resentment. I tapped into those last night, and they didn't so much scare me as sadden me. I am more than just anger. I am more than just neurons firing randomly to produce emotions. It's like inside I am a charred, twisted child afraid of the light, yet at the same time I have a luminous and good spirit. I need to heal the one and join them together. I haven't been living life very deeply, and I need to while there is still life to live.

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