Third Meditation

From Marcus Aurelius' Meditations:

Book I. XVII.

Whatsoever proceeds from the Gods immediately, that any man will grant totally depends from their divine providence. As for those things that are commonly said to happen by fortune, even those must be conceived to have dependence from nature, or from the first and general connection, and concatenation of all those things, which more apparently by the divine providence are adminstered and brought to pass. All things flow from thence: and whatsoever it is that is, is both necessary, and conducing to the whole [part of which thou art], and whatsoever it is that is requisite and necessary for the perservation of the general, must of necessity for every particular nature, be good and behoveful. And as for the whole, it is preseved, as by the perpetual mutation and conversion of the simple elements one into another, so also by the mutation, and alteration of things mixed and compounded. Let these things suffice then; let them always untoo then, as thy general rules and precepts. As for thy thirst after books, away with it with all speed, that thou die not murmuring and complaining, but truly meek and well satisfied, and from thy heart thankful unto the Gods.

One passage from the Hays translation is: 

Even chance is not divorced from nature, from the inweaving and enfolding of things governed by Providence. Everything proceeds from it. And then there is necessity and the needs of the whole world, of which you are a part. Whatever the nature of the whole does, and whatever serves to maintain it, is good for every part of nature.

Given the present-day concerns for climate change, we should remember that humankind cannot be divorced from nature, but that we are a part of it entirely. What is good for nature is essentially good for us, therefore. This is the situation for everyone.  But as a Pagan, I feel that it is especially important to tie ourselves to nature, both in the enjoyment in it and the maintenance of the world around us so that we are part of that circle of life/global organism.

Keeping it short tonight, but that's how that meditation speaks to me.

So I didn't quite make it daily, but here is the second one

 From Marcus Aurelius' Meditations: 

Book I. XVI.

Whatsoever I am, is either flesh, or life, or that which we commonly call the mistress and overruling part of man; reason. Away with thy books, suffer not thy mind any more to be distracted, and carried to and fro; for it will not be; but as even now ready to die, think little of thy flesh: nerves, veins, and arteries; think no more of it, than so. And as for thy life, consider what it is; a wind; not one constant wind neither, but every moment of an hour let out, and sucked in again. The third, is thy ruling part, and her consider; Thou art an old man; suffer not that excellent part to be brought in subjection, and to become slavish; suffer it not to be drawn up and down with unreasonable and unsociable lusts and motions, as it were with wires and nerves; suffer it not any more, either to repine at anything now present, or to fear and fly anything to come,, which the destiny hath appointed thee.

So reason is what should be valued most, as that which should rule the body and spirit, and which also must be cultivated so that it does not become distracted with emotional desires, or for that matter, I think he would agree, minor matters of no consequence.

This is so hard for me, especially because I have a mood disorder. Without my medicine, I become very labile. And beyond my ADHD, I get so distracted by what is happening in my present life, as well as anxiety for the future, that I don't actually think things through a lot. I have a fairly high IQ (149), and I used to be good at recitation and learning, and I certainly learned critical thinking (mainly studying history at university), but I don't apply them to my life. I've always compartmentalised my theoretical knowledge and actual real-life applications. As a whole, I do much better at theory than practical/applied actions. And I hate that, but I've gotten used to not really thinking much. And that is sad. I'm trying to read more to stimulate my brain (although he specifically values reasoning over learning from others, including through books). I need to really start considering subjects, ruminating upon them, and coming up with reasoned outcomes, hence these exercises.  There you go, that's how this section applies to my life, and I need to take it to heart and really improve my thinking, which will, in turn, improve my life.  In short, I need to stop being lazy in my thinking.

Exercise

My roommate suggested that it might be useful, especially given my struggles with anxiety, to read the Meditations of Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, a Stoic philosopher, a meditation a day, as one would read a devotional [I'm pagan, so I guess it is]. I think this will be good. I should then think about it and relate it to my own life.

 
Today is the first day. I will be reading from two editions, one an Elizabethan translation by Méric Casaubon [or rather, a comparison of the 1634 and 1635 editions as put together for modern readers by an unnamed person], the first English translation available in England, and therefore in the public domain and available on Project Gutenberg's website.  The second is from Modern Library, translated by Robert Hays, which is presented in modern style.  It is available on Amazon.  Neither is a literal translation but rather put in the colloquial style of their times. However, in introducing my thoughts I will include the Casaubon translation here since it is in the public domain and can be used freely.

I'm skipping the first bit, which my friend referred to as a speech thanking the Academy, whereupon he thanks his family, teachers, and the Gods.  I may circle around to it. I've already noticed certain differences in the translation, most notably omissions in Hays that do make things clearer, but also delete interesting information.

So, for now, I'm starting with Book I, Meditation XV, titled 'In the country of the Quadi at Granua, these. Betimes in the morning'.

say to myself. This day I shalt have to do with an idle curious man, with an unthankful man, a railer, a crafty, false, or an envious man, ab unsociable uncharitable man. All these ill quealities have happened unto them, through ignorance of that which is truly good and truly bad.  But I that undersatnd the nature of that which is good, that it only is to be desired, and of that which is bad, that it only is truly odious and shameful: who know moreover, that this transgressor, whosoever he be, is my kinsman, not by the same blood and seed, but by participation of the same reason, and of the same divine particle; How can I either be hurt by any of those, since it is not in their power to make me incur anything that is truley reporachful? or angry, and ill affected towards him, who by nature is so near unto me? for we are all born to be fellow-workers, the as feet, the hands, and the eyelids; as the uppper and under teeth: for such therefore to be in opposition, is against nature; and what is to chafe at, and to be averse from, but to be in opposition?

Recently I was in a situation where I was brought before my manager for a minor thing (not written up, but it was essentially a verbal warning) that nevertheless had bothered a co-worker. Instead of telling me directly that it made her uncomfortable, she had taken it to my supervisor, who had then taken it to my manager, who had then taken it to human resources.  It was concerning something I had little control over, and the co-worker had been the one who had first treated it with humour, so it became a running joke for us, I thought. Instead, I suppose, she was treating it with humour because it was an embarrassing thing, and so never told me it bothered her.  I, on the other hand, tending to take people very much at face value, did not realise I was causing any trouble.  Both the action and that are on me, of course, but I was very hurt and angry because neither the person I considered a friend, neither my supervisor, who also fit that category, saw fit to say anything to me, but involved my manager and HR, for something that is an embarrassing bodily function brought on by a medicine I am taking--something they all knew, and that we had laughed about it. (Remember--she was the one that started that).

As far as reading Marcus Aurelius, I came to two ways that this passage can be related to this situation. 

1) My co-worker, who no doubt hid her embarrassment by trying to find humour with it, and who brought this situation to a head, did not understand that the best way to deal with it was to speak to me directly and even bluntly if need be, rather than involve four other people and embarrass me further. Neither did my supervisor. They were not so much malicious, but they caused a reaction to the issue that 1) hurt and embarrassed me, 2) blew it way out of proportion, 3) blamed me for something that I had little control over and therefore could not excuse myself quickly, especially while doing my job--something medical at that, and 4) brought to my attention that I had misplaced my trust, and 5) brought to my attention that perhaps I do not read people's reactions in a way I should. [I think I have written here before that I am seeking testing for autism, although that is another post entirely, as my area has a reasonable programme in another city, with a 5-year wait, or individuals in my city that charge almost $2000 for the testing.] But they did not think that those things would happen, because they were essentially ignorant of anything beyond 'this is something' that bothers me'. It has broken the well-oiled machine-but-still fun approach she and I had in our work, and I am trying not to hold it against them, but I am glad that my co-worker has gotten another in another part of our department on another floor, so I will not have to deal with the fallout so much.  In the meantime, I am trying to do what my manager asked, to the point of pain at times, but I have changed medicines and taken other medication to help, so hopefully that will improve the situation.

2) None of the people involved actually have the power to embarrass or hurt me. It is my reaction to the situation that caused it. I cannot control the actions of others, just myself. Also, it does not benefit me to hold a grudge for what I see as a hurtful thing; and I of course can understand why they were annoyed, I am just sad that it came to what it did, and that a relatively minor thing that shouldn't have affected our work did indeed. And I do have a difficult time holding grudges anyway; I was very quiet with everyone for a couple of days but slowly talked again and it was almost like before, though not quiet.  I won't forget, nor have I quite forgiven, but I at least can interact. I do not, however, consider them friends, but rather co-workers. I have fallen into that trap before, and will probably again. I perhaps trust too much, and it's hard for me to read motivations for actions. But I will try to do that less while recognising that people have their own emotions, agendas, and motivations and that they do not necessarily pair up with mine.