This was a difficult read for me, because it brought up a lot of my own experiences

If you have any desire to understand what it is like living as a gay person who has been told all their lives that they are one thing, and denying their real nature, I'd seriously recommend reading the linked story. It's told from the Mormon perspective, but it could be many cultures or religions, really, and it discusses the harm of the negative view of homosexuality on real people's identity and mental health, whether outright 'you're going to hell' to 'love the sinner, hate the sin'.

When I was 18, very young and naïve, I met my future husband, whom I subsequently learned was gay. We eventually became a sort of 'triunity' by adding a third partner in our relationship, a man with whom is still together. But it did irreparable damage to me, and to them. The relationship wasn't good for any of us, because it was based on a lie, as he was still trying to build a home as a bisexual, when he was, in my opinion, quite gay and hiding behind my skirts, so to speak. He was, at one point, very Christian, although eventually, I think he rejected most of it. I realised for my own good I had to get out of the relationship, for some of the reasons the wife mentions, but also because of double standards and other issues that were secondary to the actual sexual orientation issues. I was 24 when I left. I had been the one who had pushed for the marriage because some part of me thought that would somehow legitimize what I'd been going through all this time. I was wrong. My leaving, divorcing was best for all of us. It was painful. I've never really dated anyone seriously since, and that was 26 years ago. I hope he finally came to grips with himself, that he and his partner (I don't know if they ever married) have a better relationship with my absence. My experiences are different than this couple's. Thankfully, I didn't have children to worry about. But these sorts of relationships are, I suspect, fairly common, where the pressures of society bring people together young and naive, who don't have a chance to really explore their own identity first. I wish this couple well. I certainly identify with the wife. But read it, it's very well thought-out, well-written, and even references a modern retelling of the Ugly Duckling story to help people understand. Like Stellaluna, you can't be a bird when you're a bat. And you can't be a bat when you're a unicorn. Be yourself, no matter what people say, because trying to conform to everyone else's opinion is maddening and sucks at your soul. And like I said, it's not a bashing of Christianity. When we were together a friend of the partner, an Indian graduate student who was being harassed by a local conversion therapy ministry group in the 80s, who were showing up at work and whom he desperately did not want contacting his devout Hindu family, committed suicide in response. These are lives and deaths we're talking about. If you can't be supportive, don't, at least, contribute to the problem, particularly in the name of religion or God.

TURNING A UNICORN INTO A BAT: THE POST IN WHICH WE ANNOUNCE THE END OF OUR MARRIAGE

Hmmm....

I was pretty tired when I got home last night, around 9:30 pm, so I went on to bed after listening to some relaxation sounds on a phone application. But I didn't realise I hadn't actually written since Saturday. Sorry about that. I'm really trying to be consistent, and with the restored home Internet, there's really no reason why I shouldn't take a few minutes to blog or at least find a news story or video that touched me that day.

Tonight I had a couple of appointments (same building, different floors) and they went well. Then I went and got A and took him to the store for creamer, which Tates Creek Kroger was out of Saturday, because while it's not an emergency, it is a necessity for YKWIA (and one of his main sources of nutrition, and an uncaffeinated YKWIA is a sleepy YKWIA.)

Today I wore a cyan-coloured dress with that has a lot of embroidery, beading, ribbons, and a few cyan sequins--not gaudy, just kind of festive and springy. I received half-a-dozen compliments on it over the course of the day, which was nice. Normally I wouldn't have chosen the colour, it's so bright, and I'm a bit ruddy (you know that British/Irish peaches and cream complexion? I'm more strawberries and cream.) But I always get compliments when I wear it, and I have a slightly lighter skirt I sometimes wear, too, and it apparently works on me as well. (YKWIA does not care for the shirt I wear with that--it's tie-dyed, has fringe, and has silver sequins, so yes, it's a bit tacky, but it gets me in touch with my inner hippie). I have never been a fashionista by any means, anyway, although I do try to go out of the house with matching ensembles (along with matching purses or bags), matching socks, that sort of thing. :)

I boiled some eggs for dinner tonight. They were good, but I probably should have let them go for 12 minutes, not 10, as the yolks were cooked most of the way through but not firm. Sometimes you can get away with 10--it depends on things like the size of eggs, temperature of water, humidity, and elevation. Next time, though, I'll do 12 minutes. Can you tell it's been awhile since I boiled eggs? Obviously I'm not a gourmet cook. I'm pretty good at the prep work that YKWIA has me do when he cooks (and he's a marvelous cook), and I am getting better, can follow a recipe, that sort of thing, but no one's ever going to pay for me to serve them food.

I've got the windows and blinds open so I can hear the rain and thunder properly. Many years ago I couldn't have quietly enjoyed a thunderstorm--I used to have a phobia for thunder and other loud noises. Now I'm more mellow. So I think I've conquered that one. I probably wouldn't like to repeat the horrible storm on my honeymoon where we were trying to save a campsite and manning wooden poles of a tarp so that it wouldn't overflow and collapse, and our campsite was struck by an ancillary bolt of lightning that came down. I don't remember feeling that, although others did. I was too busy lying in a puddle in the foetal position to feel anything at that point. That was outside Atlanta, at midsummer, at a pagan gathering where the Farrars and Isaac Bonewits had given an interview at a store and said the witches had come to Atlanta, and so we had threats from the KKK (this was 1991) and a Georgia state trooper was assigned to guard the gate. I'm not sure what he thought about these people running around in robes, and horns, and who knows what else. It definitely wasn't the normal kind of festival he was probably used to.

1991 was a pivotal year for me. I got married June 15th, started playing the Cthulhu game when it began in early July, and then left my husband (for reasons I won't go into here, but trust me, I needed to) December 5th. We were divorced by my birthday in 1992. It was the best present I ever had. It was like my brain came online--it's amazing the stupid things we do while young. I didn't get married until I was 24 but we'd been together for six years and I was 18 when I met him, and he was the first person I'd dated. Word to the wise, young ones: don't marry your first crush. Live a little, first. A little maturity goes a long way, especially when it comes to marriage. And if you aren't a gay man, don't marry a gay man. Enough said.

It's hard to believe that was almost 25 years ago. And it left a lot of emotional scars that have taken me years to work through, but I think I'm much better off now. Some time ago I joined a site mainly for the quizzes (I think online quizzes are fun), but it is actually a dating site. I've never taken any steps to really use it as such, but I did download the application on my phone the other day and there was a guy, a couple of years older than I am, who really caught my eye. I accidentally 'liked' him because I didn't know what I was doing, and was trying to bookmark his profile to show YKWIA. But that's okay. I am considering sending him a message. I'm pretty shy about such things. I never really got the dating thing down. But maybe we can meet for coffee or something like that. That's not too scary. And if he doesn't like me or doesn't want to meet, that's fine, at least it's good practice on the way to finding someone who does, right?

Okay, I think it's time to get away from the computer and get some things done around here, like refrigerating the eggs and doing some stuff around the house, maybe while I listen to Pandora. Good night.

24 years ago today

I walked out of a six-year relationship, six-month marriage, which was the best decision of my life, and put me on the road to where I am today. I can't believe it's been so long. Wow. But hey, still, yay! Let me just thank YKWIA, who helped me by asking questions about my life that I really couldn't answer positively, and who saved me by helping me get out of that horrible relationship. Thanks for sticking with me in the turmoil afterwards, too. :)

Look what's cropped up in Morehead (Rowan County, Kentucky)

Sweet

Ohio couple married 70 years die 15 hours apart

When Helen Felumlee passed away at the age of 92 Saturday morning, her family knew her husband Kenneth Felumlee, 91, wouldn't be slow to follow her. The couple couldn't bear to be apart very long, and Kenneth passed away only 15 1/2 hours after his wife of 70 years.

For those who think marriage is defined by the Bible

Maybe you should re-read some of those pages. I point you to this:

TOP 16 WAYS TO GET A WOMAN/ WIFE ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE

There's a Chinese word for what I once was

Tongqi--a woman who marries a gay man

Attitudes towards homosexuality: Gay marriage gone wrong

:) Hear, hear!

What Does the Bible Actually Say About Marriage?

It's high time people came clean about how we use the Bible. When Christians try to resolve difficult ethical and theological matters, they typically appeal to the Gospels and Paul's letters as keys to the question. But what about marriage? Not only did Jesus choose not to marry, he encouraged his disciples to abandon household and domestic concerns in order to follow him (Matthew 19:29; Mark 10:28-30; Luke 9:57-62). He even refers to those "who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 19:10-13). Whatever that means, it's certainly not an endorsement of marriage. Paul likewise encourages male believers: "Do not seek a wife" (1 Corinthians 7:27, my translation) -- advice Paul took for himself. If neither Jesus nor Paul preferred marriage for their followers, why do some Christians maintain that the Bible enshrines 19th-century Victorian family values?

Not to sound morbid, but these are the two songs I'd love played at my funeral

'Dust in the Wind' by Kansas:

(yes, they are grooming challenged, but it was the 70s)

'Now Comes the Night' by Rob Thomas:


On the other hand, if I ever get remarried, this will be played:
'All That I Am' by Rob Thomas

On the radio

Fort Minor's 'Where'd You Go?', one of the few rap songs I like.

Of course, on the radio, certain words are sanitised.

My dad wasn't around that much when I was a kid. In the early days, say the first six years of my life, he was in Southeast Asia during the Vietnam War. Once he came back there were temporary duty assignments, but even when he was home there wasn't much interaction between us. He'd come home, we'd eat dinner, then he'd go to his radio room and mess with his scopes or solder circuit boards. My mom's main hobby was ceramics. Mine was reading. We were three people supposedly a family living in the same house, but very much apart. Most attention I did get from my dad was negative attention, something I incited at times because I craved anything from him that would prove he cared one way or another for me. When I was in my 20s and living with my ex-husband and our bosom companion, it was the same thing--three people living separate lives, with me reading to escape my feelings about the situation.

Funny that all this came up, because I was so tired from various activities over the weekend and trying to get a friend to work that I totally forgot I had a therapy appointment today. I know they charge if you miss a session; I just hope they don't bill me the whole thing--it's like $150 a pop. But I'm glad I'm back in therapy. I have a lot of issues from my childhood and early adulthood to iron out. We're really looking at changing some of my coping mechanisms a little at a time. My assignment for this week was to take one of the things I wanted to have or have done by the time I died and visualising it manifesting in my life and then working out how to make it a reality. I know, it sounds like psychobabble, but I think there is something to it. I have a tendency to believe I don't deserve anything good, and I think the world that is reflected back to me agrees. By changing my ideas, I may be able to change my experiences.

Well, that's all for now. I got a little rest earlier but I want to get some more sleep. I have to work both jobs tomorrow and the next day, so I'll need it.

Oh, Gods, I married this

when I was very young, very naive, and very, very stupid, until my brain woke up after an intervention. Thank you, thank you to the intervener.

Profile for KyHorseHung at Resources for Bears

I saw him the other day at the store where he works. He looked my father's age; he's exactly a week younger than I am. Then I found this site. The pictures remind me of some sort of hick (I think it's the baseball cap, something I never saw him wear. He was into those little caps that snap in the front that old men wear, when we were dating). He looks like he's trying to look tough. He says on his website that he's embraced his redneck side. Oh, yes.

I look at him and I am totally repulsed. I really don't understand what I ever saw in him, either on the outside or the inside.

It even gets scarier if you follow the links (definitely not work safe, assuming you could get through any workplace filters--there's a nude picture involved). Maybe I'm a prude, but I just don't understand why anyone would post themselves online like that. Well, okay, in this case it's to get men. But you know what I mean.

I am so glad that a certain videotape was destroyed by both of us at the conclusion of our relationship. I was sure to snag that one when we left, then we met and together destroyed it. Never leave that sort of evidence about.

To quote Lovecraftian horror, it is squamous. It is gibbous. It is a horror worse than those of Great Cthulhu. I think my eyes may burn out of my skull. Eghhhh.

Anyone who wants to say I'm going to hell for ever divorcing him should look at this site. Their eyes would so be opened. And the site is very, very different from his pseudo-religious writings as Chandonn.

There was a time where I thought he had potential. No more. Soon he may be crawling around under their house crying, 'Precious, my precious', and there's no doubt what his precious is. He's always been rather fixated on it and more than willing to show it off at the drop of a hat. He once brought pictures of it out after dinner. I think that was the same dinner his live-in lover (did I mention I was stupid?) was sucking spaghetti up his nose. Gods, how did I wind up in that relationship?

I'd like to think that by comparison I've grown as a person. Leaving him (and his 'Husbear' as he calls his partner (Jordsvin)--they're still together, which is rather remarkable, I suppose), really was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

These are my opinions on the matter, anyway. Hey, he says in his profile he likes honesty. Somehow I suspect he wouldn't care for my honest opinion. It's actually much more scathing and loathing than I've expressed here. I'll probably get a nasty e-mail from him threatening action if I so much as mention him; I have before. Oh, well. The truth will set us free, right? If he's not doing anything embarrassing or wrong, he should be open and not upset by anything. I have witnesses to our relationship and the facts involved, so it's not just my word, so I'm pretty comfortable posting this. And who knows what else he's up to? Trust me, I've been exposed to some pretty lurid stuff. And that was 15-21 years ago. Now? Amputees, for example? I mean, it's great for amputees to have partners, but the fact that there are people out there attracted to amputation, some to the point of wanting to get one themselves or get their partner to do so, that's out there. (If you never have heard of this, try searching for it online. Your eyes will be opened. Even Active Living, a magazine for active amputees, addressed it in one issue.) And he lists that as one of his turn-ons.

I just don't get him. And I think that's a good thing.