11,000!

I'm going to finish out the night by marking a milestone--11,000 posts written since this blog started in October 2001. Yay! Today, another milestone came to mind--the 15th of this month would have been my 25th wedding anniversary, and I am so glad that this is not the case. But I haven't really been in a relationship since then, and so that's why I'm a little iffy about things like OKCupid. It's a whole different world than when I was younger. Of course, I married the first man I dated (girls, never do that, live a little first), and I'm not sure you can say we actually intentionally dated per se, as we were seeing each other for awhile before I realised, hey, I have a boyfriend. But it's been 25 years since I married, almost 25 years since I left that marriage, and therefore, it's almost been 25 years since I was in a relationship. That's a lifetime ago, it seems. I am such a different person now. It doesn't even seem, sometimes, that I really was in that situation. Here's to finding a better one down the road, hopefully before another 25 years goes by! Good night.

Two sides of a coin

24 years ago today

I walked out of a six-year relationship, six-month marriage, which was the best decision of my life, and put me on the road to where I am today. I can't believe it's been so long. Wow. But hey, still, yay! Let me just thank YKWIA, who helped me by asking questions about my life that I really couldn't answer positively, and who saved me by helping me get out of that horrible relationship. Thanks for sticking with me in the turmoil afterwards, too. :)

Listening to Harry Chapin

This is what made me sad the other day

So this is the end of the finale of 'The Big Bang Theory' this season, so if you haven't seen it, and don't want a spoiler, don't watch. But it was so sad.

How was your Valentine's Day?

Mine was okay. I even got a Valentine from one of the girls at work, a Harry Potter one. But you know what? It's really hard for me to even remember it's a special day. That's because I haven't celebrated it in 16 years, not being with anyone when it comes along.

I actually rather thought I had a chance this year, because I finally met someone with which I had a good bit of chemistry and who actually ignited my sex drive for the first time in years. But the cons outweighed the pros, and I had to let my head drive instead of my hormones this time. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy, but our issues are too similar and being together would only magnify them; there's a 15-year difference in our ages that would be an obstacle, too. Neither of us have time for any real relationship--it would have to have been a 'friends with benefits' sort of thing, and I have to admit, I want more that that. Plus, he smokes very occasionally--but that still counts, and as a rule smoking puts someone off my 'list', although I wouldn't say I wouldn't date someone trying to quit, at least. But really the issues and need for some good mental health care was the deal breaker. I still like talking to him, but it's like once I made up my mind, the door shut on the giddy way I felt when I was around him, just like that.

Funny, I lost my virginity on Valentine's, and I became engaged on Valentine's, too. (In retrospect, these were both terrible mistakes, but that had to do with my partner in those endeavours). So maybe Valentine's isn't all it's supposed to be. Maybe it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.

But I don't want to grow old waiting for the right one, either. Or at least some idea of 'right' that's so perfect it'll never be. Instead, I want to get to a point where I'm open to a relationship with someone who really cares about me, who loves me, who wants to be with me not because of some agenda, but because of love. I want someone I can be romantic with, someone I feel safe with, someone I love with all my heart. Surely there's got to be someone out there to fit the bill. I just have to find him or her.

Anyway, thanks for putting up with a little self-pity. I went home tonight after witnessing a couple of friends exchange gifts who really love one another, and I cried. I want that, too, but I'm not at a point where I know how to get it, although I do realise that I deserve better than I have had, and that's a start, I suppose. I have too much baggage from past relationships that I still need to work out, too. But I have hope, anyway, hope that I will be able to enjoy a relationship, and hope that I will find that special someone. And without hope, there's nothing but misery.

Happy Valentine's Day, and good night.

'Valentine's Day' by Linkin Park


Kind of fit my mood.