This is beautiful

I haven't seen this before. It's lovely. There was an image with it on Facebook, but it wasn't the whole poem. Here it is:

Epitaph

by Merrit Malloy

When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.

I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.


Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not on your mind.


You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting
Bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

I’ll see you at home
In the earth.

Our song

This keeps playing just about every time I go to the hospital

It's terribly appropriate at the moment, which is sad.

And on that note...

I am going to go do something pleasant and enjoy my own company. Good night. Thank you to YKWIA, who may often be blunt and sometimes seems downright mean, but is a good person who always tells the truth and who does, in fact, love me, and taught me what love meant, as I hadn't really experienced it until I met him.

This is sweet, and a great reminder that love is greater than labels

I think I understand

While all of the factors mentioned in the preceding post are, in fact, true and probably relevant, it's not my hormones, my need to some 'me' time, stress over finances and jobs, or anything like that. It's very simple. I am afraid of losing someone in my life who is dealing with issues that are very serious. I'm trying to make things better, to no avail, and I've got to accept that I can't. I can be there. I can listen. I can love. But in the end, I have no control over the situation. I only can hope it improves, and provide supportive care where I can. From there, I can only hope for the best.

This was in my head yesterday, so I watched the video. And cried.

and probably will whenever I watch it. I'm a terrible romantic, I guess. Which is funny for someone not only in a relationship, but who doesn't even date at all.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
--Alfred, Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam:27, 1850

I can't imagine that amount of faith and devotion, and yes, love

Comatose since Christmas 1969: A tale of unconditional love and miracles

Colleen O'Bara bathed her older sister, Edwarda, and fixed her hair. She fed her through a feeding tube like she'd done countless times. It was going to be a good day, the day before Thanksgiving.

With her morning routine complete, Colleen planned to fetch a cup of coffee. She bent down and kissed her big sister, told her she'd be right back.

"She gave me the biggest smile she has ever given me in her life," Colleen recalls. "Her face was aglow. There was a sparkle in her eyes."

But just then, Edwarda closed her eyes.

For 42 years, her family held vigil. They awaited the day Edwarda would awake, the miracle that never came.

At the age of 59, Edwarda died, believed by medical experts to have lived longer than anyone in a comatose state.

Thinking of this scene for some reason

It's the ageing of Heather MacLeod in the original Highlander movie, with the Queen song "Who Wants to Live Forever" in the background. It  always makes me cry.

I told YKWIA I'd wait to watch Doctor Who's last episode, which I have on DVR, because I was in a good mood and didn't want to cry (it is the exit of Amy Pond and Rory Williams). He assured me I would if I watched that, so I was going to watch tomorrow. And then I watched this. Drat.

Amazing story

Taylor Morris, Quadruple Amputee, Dances With Girlfriend Danielle Kelly

Taylor Morris and Danielle Kelly's love story is a captivating one: Morris was hit by an explosive device while serving in Afghanistan and became one of the few surviving quadruple amputees, but that didn't stop him from dancing at a recent wedding with the girlfriend who has stayed by his side throughout his recovery, 9 News MSN reports.

Morris, 23, is an Navy EOD tech -- or Explosive Ordinance Disposal tech -- from Iowa who was injured in action last May after stepping on an IED. He lost both of his legs, his left arm from the bicep down, and his right hand.

Also...A Love Story In 22 Pictures: A picture is worth 1000 words. Keep tissues handy.

I wish them all the best...

Quote of the day

Fantine, Eponine: 'Take my love, for love is everlasting.'
Fantine, Eponine, and Jean Valjean: 'And remember the truth that once was spoken: to love another person is to see the face of God.'

(From the musical Les Misérables, which I listened to (and mouthed to words to and once everyone left the library, sang loudly with) at work tonight. Although those lines belong to the musical, there are some lovely quotes by by Victor Hugo, author of the book, including on the subject of love, at the Good Reads Victor Hugo Quotes page) [although be careful; the second line above appears on the page as a quote from Hugo, when I cannot find it in the text]. But others are quite legitimate. For example, this one:

“Love is like a tree: it grows by itself, roots itself deeply in our being and continues to flourish over a heart in ruin. The inexplicable fact is that the blinder it is, the more tenacious it is. It is never stronger than when it is completely unreasonable.”― Victor Hugo, Notre-Dame de Paris, or The Hunchback of Notre-Dame [This quote is verifiably in Chapter IV.]

Two quotes, as the result of watching a video and being moved to tears

'It is nothing to die; it is dreadful not to live.'--Victor Hugo, Les Misérables (the novel)

And from the the musical:



'Take my hand, and lead me to salvation. Take my love, for love is everlasting. And remember, the truth that once was spoken, to love another person is to see the face of God.'

Good night.

I miss my puppy

On my way back from putting my rent into the slot at the leasing office (on time, and I have been for months--I may be killing my feet but at least I can pay my bills), a couple was out walking their dog, a husky-chow mix that was tiny compared to the parent breeds. She was very friendly, and licked my hand. Most dogs really like me, and recognise me as a dog person. But after they left, I was overcome with a sadness.

It's been over two years since Cerys died, but she had such a profound effect on my life that I still think of her often, and the memories are bittersweet, because she was such a good dog, and now she's gone, although after a good, long life. She was a pound puppy, my very first dog of my own, my responsibility. I was out driving one day and had a very strong urge to go to the local humane society--even though it was in the opposite direction--and fell in love with the black Lab mix that bowed just like my friend's dog (my training dog, if you will, how I learnt to love and take care of dogs). Someone was ahead of me for the adoption, but bowed out. My landlord had to approve. I was desperate for that dog, and it was apparently meant to be. I firmly believe that my Patroness, Hekate, had a hand in that, as she is associated with dogs, especially black ones. That began a wonderful relationship that lasted sixteen years.

Cerys did more than anything to get me out of the funk I was in once my brain returned and I fled my marriage. She loved me unconditionally--something rare in my life.

I remember after I took her home her coming up to the bed and looking forlorn and begging, but afraid to come up (I think she'd been abused before she was abandoned; she was terribly timid, especially at the start). I invited her up and from that moment on it was her bed. Even now, I've finally begun to stretch out on the bed and take her spot, but it took over a year and a change in mattress to do so. That's actually how I knew she was going downhill--she'd started to sleep on the floor, and had difficulty getting up onto a fairly low bed. The floor, even carpeted, had never been good enough for her before.

I have a poor memory for all sorts of things, but vivid ones of Cerys, as a puppy, in middle age, and as an old dog. I treasure every moment I had with her. It's so strange now to have only fish as pets (I'd had three cats for years as well, the last of which was put down a year before Cerys). I am an aunt to two wonderful cats and three dogs that adore me. I am part of their pack. It's enough, mostly. But every now and then I miss my dog, who was really the best dog for me there could have been, and at a time in my life when I desperately needed something in my life like her.

I don't know what happens when animals die, if there's some spirit they have that lives on to be reborn. But if so, I hope Cerys is young and happy and full of life, with someone who loves her as much as I did.

How was your Valentine's Day?

Mine was okay. I even got a Valentine from one of the girls at work, a Harry Potter one. But you know what? It's really hard for me to even remember it's a special day. That's because I haven't celebrated it in 16 years, not being with anyone when it comes along.

I actually rather thought I had a chance this year, because I finally met someone with which I had a good bit of chemistry and who actually ignited my sex drive for the first time in years. But the cons outweighed the pros, and I had to let my head drive instead of my hormones this time. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy, but our issues are too similar and being together would only magnify them; there's a 15-year difference in our ages that would be an obstacle, too. Neither of us have time for any real relationship--it would have to have been a 'friends with benefits' sort of thing, and I have to admit, I want more that that. Plus, he smokes very occasionally--but that still counts, and as a rule smoking puts someone off my 'list', although I wouldn't say I wouldn't date someone trying to quit, at least. But really the issues and need for some good mental health care was the deal breaker. I still like talking to him, but it's like once I made up my mind, the door shut on the giddy way I felt when I was around him, just like that.

Funny, I lost my virginity on Valentine's, and I became engaged on Valentine's, too. (In retrospect, these were both terrible mistakes, but that had to do with my partner in those endeavours). So maybe Valentine's isn't all it's supposed to be. Maybe it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.

But I don't want to grow old waiting for the right one, either. Or at least some idea of 'right' that's so perfect it'll never be. Instead, I want to get to a point where I'm open to a relationship with someone who really cares about me, who loves me, who wants to be with me not because of some agenda, but because of love. I want someone I can be romantic with, someone I feel safe with, someone I love with all my heart. Surely there's got to be someone out there to fit the bill. I just have to find him or her.

Anyway, thanks for putting up with a little self-pity. I went home tonight after witnessing a couple of friends exchange gifts who really love one another, and I cried. I want that, too, but I'm not at a point where I know how to get it, although I do realise that I deserve better than I have had, and that's a start, I suppose. I have too much baggage from past relationships that I still need to work out, too. But I have hope, anyway, hope that I will be able to enjoy a relationship, and hope that I will find that special someone. And without hope, there's nothing but misery.

Happy Valentine's Day, and good night.

'Valentine's Day' by Linkin Park


Kind of fit my mood.

I'll believe it when I see it

Your True Love Will Find You Eventually

You definitely put yourself out there a little - but you could be doing more. If you're truly looking for love, try doing more things and meeting more people. You don't have to actively look for love, you just need to stay active. Be out there a little more, and the right person will find you!

Will Your True Love Find You?

Sometimes

the people we love really disappoint us. This seems to happen a lot around Valentine's Day. Expectations rise, people wrack their brains (and hearts) for just the right gift, and those without a romantic bone in their body generally blow it disastrously.

But speaking as someone who is 1) a hopeless romantic and 2) has been unpartnered for the last fifteen Valentine's Days, let me say that in our disappointment we often forget the good things in our relationships, the most important one being love itself.

There's a line in a Rob Thomas song that goes, 'It's a pity, some people, they go all their lives and never know how to love or let love grow.' Sometimes I think I'm in that camp. I never really had much to model from when it came to love, especially of the unconditional variety, growing up. But, as an adult, I finally found someone who loves me unconditionally--but not in a romantic way. I admit, I fell head over heels for this person, partly because I knew it would never happen and so it was a 'safe' relationship. It was hard dealing with unrequited love and seeing love of the sort I longed for grow before me, but something I was not a part of. I finally had to let go at that need to love safely and transform it into friendship. But seeing that person happy gives me hope, sometimes, that I'll find someone of my own. Seeing the ups and downs of the relationships around you can also make you appreciate aloneness. But overall, I think we as human beings are meant to love, and partner, and even though those partners can sometimes be selfish and unthinking, it comes down to, do you truly love one another? I think that is the defining point of a relationship.

In my own case, with my ex-husband, I remember watching the movie Ghost, that scene where Demi Moore is making the pot and Patrick Swayze is behind her while 'Unchained Melody' plays in the background. In that moment I had an epiphany. My life with him would never be like that--the true kind of love that goes beyond passion and comfort and instead supports and nurtures a couple. I realised I had never really loved him, and he had certainly not loved me. We were living a lie. It was then that I realised I had to get out of the relationship and break the bonds which had very nearly trapped me there, due to my own stupidity and hard work. For me, it came down to the very words of my wedding vows, 'as long as love shall last'. Love never entered into it. There was lust, and neediness, and a sense of a comfortable rut, but no real love. For me, it was imperative that I get out of there.

But what if there is love? What if the person you love is addicted, or childish, or just plain clueless? What do you do then? Some people would leave and start anew, reasoning that the other person will never change and that it is better not to deal with the stress of the relationship. Sometimes it's heart-breaking, but it's the only way to protect yourself.

But love should never be discarded lightly. It's much too important to do so. True love is a very rare commodity these days. If you're in danger, if the relationship is abusive, if it's slowly eroding your very soul, then sure, leaving may be the best blessing. Otherwise, it may mean learning to live with the other person's faults. After all, they are a part of what you fell in love with. That doesn't let the person off the hook; he or she should still be learning the way things should be and needs to take full responsibility for his or her shortcomings.

So for those of you celebrating Valentine's Day, remember that love is the reason for the holiday. It's not the present itself that matters, it's the thought. The I-love-you-and-have-had-this ready since before the night before kind of thought, that is.) You have a special gift. Use it for all that is possible. Appreciate what you have. And remember the rest of us who miss the hype because there's no one in our own lives, but also don't get professions of love showered upon us. Some of us spend our lives afraid to partner for these exact reasons--we don't feel like we can trust or love anyone. But it's more important to take that all important gift and appreciate that in taking risks we are sometimes disappointed--but also elated beyond belief. Capture that feeling of new love and try to hold onto it. It will sustain you when precious little else will.

Okay, that was long and rambling and I'm not sure I really made a point. It's late; I think that's part of the problem--sleep good, no sleep bad.

May you never be disappointed by your love, although realistically they will, indeed do stupid things that make you just want to hit your head on the wall. Repeatedly.

Good night.