Sometimes

the people we love really disappoint us. This seems to happen a lot around Valentine's Day. Expectations rise, people wrack their brains (and hearts) for just the right gift, and those without a romantic bone in their body generally blow it disastrously.

But speaking as someone who is 1) a hopeless romantic and 2) has been unpartnered for the last fifteen Valentine's Days, let me say that in our disappointment we often forget the good things in our relationships, the most important one being love itself.

There's a line in a Rob Thomas song that goes, 'It's a pity, some people, they go all their lives and never know how to love or let love grow.' Sometimes I think I'm in that camp. I never really had much to model from when it came to love, especially of the unconditional variety, growing up. But, as an adult, I finally found someone who loves me unconditionally--but not in a romantic way. I admit, I fell head over heels for this person, partly because I knew it would never happen and so it was a 'safe' relationship. It was hard dealing with unrequited love and seeing love of the sort I longed for grow before me, but something I was not a part of. I finally had to let go at that need to love safely and transform it into friendship. But seeing that person happy gives me hope, sometimes, that I'll find someone of my own. Seeing the ups and downs of the relationships around you can also make you appreciate aloneness. But overall, I think we as human beings are meant to love, and partner, and even though those partners can sometimes be selfish and unthinking, it comes down to, do you truly love one another? I think that is the defining point of a relationship.

In my own case, with my ex-husband, I remember watching the movie Ghost, that scene where Demi Moore is making the pot and Patrick Swayze is behind her while 'Unchained Melody' plays in the background. In that moment I had an epiphany. My life with him would never be like that--the true kind of love that goes beyond passion and comfort and instead supports and nurtures a couple. I realised I had never really loved him, and he had certainly not loved me. We were living a lie. It was then that I realised I had to get out of the relationship and break the bonds which had very nearly trapped me there, due to my own stupidity and hard work. For me, it came down to the very words of my wedding vows, 'as long as love shall last'. Love never entered into it. There was lust, and neediness, and a sense of a comfortable rut, but no real love. For me, it was imperative that I get out of there.

But what if there is love? What if the person you love is addicted, or childish, or just plain clueless? What do you do then? Some people would leave and start anew, reasoning that the other person will never change and that it is better not to deal with the stress of the relationship. Sometimes it's heart-breaking, but it's the only way to protect yourself.

But love should never be discarded lightly. It's much too important to do so. True love is a very rare commodity these days. If you're in danger, if the relationship is abusive, if it's slowly eroding your very soul, then sure, leaving may be the best blessing. Otherwise, it may mean learning to live with the other person's faults. After all, they are a part of what you fell in love with. That doesn't let the person off the hook; he or she should still be learning the way things should be and needs to take full responsibility for his or her shortcomings.

So for those of you celebrating Valentine's Day, remember that love is the reason for the holiday. It's not the present itself that matters, it's the thought. The I-love-you-and-have-had-this ready since before the night before kind of thought, that is.) You have a special gift. Use it for all that is possible. Appreciate what you have. And remember the rest of us who miss the hype because there's no one in our own lives, but also don't get professions of love showered upon us. Some of us spend our lives afraid to partner for these exact reasons--we don't feel like we can trust or love anyone. But it's more important to take that all important gift and appreciate that in taking risks we are sometimes disappointed--but also elated beyond belief. Capture that feeling of new love and try to hold onto it. It will sustain you when precious little else will.

Okay, that was long and rambling and I'm not sure I really made a point. It's late; I think that's part of the problem--sleep good, no sleep bad.

May you never be disappointed by your love, although realistically they will, indeed do stupid things that make you just want to hit your head on the wall. Repeatedly.

Good night.