I didn't get the job. And it's my own fault. They re-evaluated the job offer based on my background check. Back when I was more than slightly crazy and writing cheques out of desperation and anxiety and hoping deposits would hit first, I never really considered how far-reaching the consequences would be.
That part of me that doesn't want to take responsibility for this is very angry. After all, it says, it's not like my past has anything to do with my ability to do the job. But it does speak about my character. Which brings me to the overwhelming sense of disappointment I have in myself right now. I don't want to continue to be that person.
Earlier tonight I was having a lot of trouble deciding why I should keep struggling to be a good person and not just give up, slit my wrists, and be done with it all. (That's the borderline personality talking). How many other jobs is this going to screw up? And beyond that, maybe I'm just reacting strongly because I'm premenstrual, but it's been a difficult Valentine's Day. I can usually ignore it. But I keep getting reminders that I'm not in a relationship. I haven't celebrated Valentine's in 15 years. I'm nearly 40, I have no partner, lousy credit, not a snowball's chance in hell of becoming financially stable and maybe someday getting a house of my own. I usually try to convince myself that I have a full life of friends and accomplish a lot on a daily basis. But I'm not sure I'm winning the battle for myself, or even really contributing to the betterment of the world around me.
But I also realise it's easy to fall into the trap of those kinds of thoughts. And I realise that although I make mistakes, I am basically a good person, one who has a very level learning curve sometimes, but is very loyal and always struggling to become a better person. And I suppose that really does matter in the scheme of things.
So, I feel a little better about how it went. And writing here helps, too. At first I was so numb, then I let the emotions flow, and then, although I'd put it off for awhile, I cried. Now I'm in reflection mode.
At least I know my schedule now and can plan my doctor's appointments and such. And there will be other jobs, I hope.
Good night. I think I might seek out a quiz and then go to bed.
PS I found out that while misdemeanours can be expunged from a criminal record in Kentucky, there's a catch. You have to wait until after five years have passed from the time you completed whatever you needed to do as a result of the conviction (fine, probation, jail, etc.) to file for expungement, without any other convictions, felony or misdemeanour. You also have to be free of them for five years prior, as well. Misdemeanours do not automatically fall off a criminal record at all. But since I have a cluster of several in about three or four years, I can't have them expunged, any of them. I can have the ones dismissed erased, though, and I will try to do that. That's my understanding of the legal jargon I've read, anyway. If it continues to be a problem in getting jobs, I may consult a lawyer.
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