Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Friday, June 10, 2016
11,000!
I'm going to finish out the night by marking a milestone--11,000 posts written since this blog started in October 2001. Yay! Today, another milestone came to mind--the 15th of this month would have been my 25th wedding anniversary, and I am so glad that this is not the case. But I haven't really been in a relationship since then, and so that's why I'm a little iffy about things like OKCupid. It's a whole different world than when I was younger. Of course, I married the first man I dated (girls, never do that, live a little first), and I'm not sure you can say we actually intentionally dated per se, as we were seeing each other for awhile before I realised, hey, I have a boyfriend. But it's been 25 years since I married, almost 25 years since I left that marriage, and therefore, it's almost been 25 years since I was in a relationship. That's a lifetime ago, it seems. I am such a different person now. It doesn't even seem, sometimes, that I really was in that situation. Here's to finding a better one down the road, hopefully before another 25 years goes by! Good night.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
I read this today, and it really resonated with me
BODY IMAGE AND DATING
Except that I take it an extra step--I am so terrified by dating that I have been known to put 70 lbs of weight on when someone asked me out. For me, fat isn't just something that makes dating difficult, it's something I've chosen to gain, albeit unconsciously, in some vain attempt to keep people at arm's length. Of course, there are people who are attracted to fat girls. I have some internalised fat phobia, so I guess I didn't think that one through. But the thing is, I recognise what I've done now. I am just at a loss as to where to go from there. I would like to have a relationship at some point, but my last and only relationship had me in a triunity with two gay men, with my self-esteem in the basement, and very near a nervous breakdown. That ended 23 years ago. I've dated about three times since then, briefly. One I did pretty well with because I was the one in control, but it never panned out and was pretty much limited to a physical relationship, with a woman. One single date was a guy who was so hung up on the girl who'd dumped him that he went home afterwards and cried on a friend's couch because he could never replace her. The other was a co-worker that I really hit it off with, and then I found out he was 17 years my junior (with grey hair). I was prepared to ignore that when he regaled me with the time he got angry when his folks got rid of some of his stuff and he rammed his car into a car his dad had been driving, and threw a crowbar at the garage door, damaging it. No siree. I have a very firm rule to not date people with anger issues. So so much for that. The time I gained 70 lbs was when a woman had been taking me out and I didn't realise she was actually interested in dating until she came out and asked, and she was the smothering type and I'd had that before, and couldn't bear to be smothered again. So I did the 'it's not you, it's me' speech, ran away, and ate half the state of Kentucky.
Anyway, dating/forming relationships is one of the things my counselor and I plan on working on. I just entered therapy with her. She's a psychologist, and I'm hoping things go better with her than the social workers in the past. They tend to focus on things that don't matter in the long run--and just let me ramble without suggestions or actual therapy. I'm hoping this new therapist is different. I have appointments to see her in May, Wish me luck on that! In the meantime, I need to work on my body image and self-esteem on my own.
Okay, I have an endocrinologist appointment early tomorrow, I'd better day good night, now.
PS I got my first of a series of allergy shots today. With the exception of itching all over, and I guess part of that could have been psychosomatic, I did fine. The plan is to go on Tuesdays and Friday and then I can stay the 30 minutes I"m required to and then go home or wherever.
Except that I take it an extra step--I am so terrified by dating that I have been known to put 70 lbs of weight on when someone asked me out. For me, fat isn't just something that makes dating difficult, it's something I've chosen to gain, albeit unconsciously, in some vain attempt to keep people at arm's length. Of course, there are people who are attracted to fat girls. I have some internalised fat phobia, so I guess I didn't think that one through. But the thing is, I recognise what I've done now. I am just at a loss as to where to go from there. I would like to have a relationship at some point, but my last and only relationship had me in a triunity with two gay men, with my self-esteem in the basement, and very near a nervous breakdown. That ended 23 years ago. I've dated about three times since then, briefly. One I did pretty well with because I was the one in control, but it never panned out and was pretty much limited to a physical relationship, with a woman. One single date was a guy who was so hung up on the girl who'd dumped him that he went home afterwards and cried on a friend's couch because he could never replace her. The other was a co-worker that I really hit it off with, and then I found out he was 17 years my junior (with grey hair). I was prepared to ignore that when he regaled me with the time he got angry when his folks got rid of some of his stuff and he rammed his car into a car his dad had been driving, and threw a crowbar at the garage door, damaging it. No siree. I have a very firm rule to not date people with anger issues. So so much for that. The time I gained 70 lbs was when a woman had been taking me out and I didn't realise she was actually interested in dating until she came out and asked, and she was the smothering type and I'd had that before, and couldn't bear to be smothered again. So I did the 'it's not you, it's me' speech, ran away, and ate half the state of Kentucky.
Anyway, dating/forming relationships is one of the things my counselor and I plan on working on. I just entered therapy with her. She's a psychologist, and I'm hoping things go better with her than the social workers in the past. They tend to focus on things that don't matter in the long run--and just let me ramble without suggestions or actual therapy. I'm hoping this new therapist is different. I have appointments to see her in May, Wish me luck on that! In the meantime, I need to work on my body image and self-esteem on my own.
Okay, I have an endocrinologist appointment early tomorrow, I'd better day good night, now.
PS I got my first of a series of allergy shots today. With the exception of itching all over, and I guess part of that could have been psychosomatic, I did fine. The plan is to go on Tuesdays and Friday and then I can stay the 30 minutes I"m required to and then go home or wherever.
Monday, February 13, 2012
In honour of Valentine's Day
Before match.com and other services, there was computer dating, which meant putting all your info into a computer at an agency, making a video for others to view, and hoping someone hot popped out. Here's a skit that shows you young folks what it was like:
Sadly, I never tried this method of dating. But Richard does remind me a little of an ex....
Sadly, I never tried this method of dating. But Richard does remind me a little of an ex....
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Absolute agreement
Why Perpetuation Of The Human Race Depends On Men, AKA Buy My Lemon Chicken: Guest Post by Ashley Ambirge
Josh Hanagarne over at the World's Strongest Librarian blog has some great guest bloggers. This post is written by Ashley Ambirge of the Middle Finger Project. And it is, in point of fact, a jewel.
I consider myself a feminist. I also have a traditionalist streak. Ms Ambirge has neatly explained why someone who feels liberated might still want a man to pay the cheque. Why we thrill if a man opens a door for us. Why interesting conversation is fine, but at the end of the day, it's sex that drives us.
Now I admire that, despite the fact that in fact I am a bit of a prude and am secretly afraid of sex. Let's say I have issues with sex stemming from formative years and I'm still working on overcoming them. Not that I've had much opportunity, as I've been on exactly two dates since 1994 and have not had sex after either one (neither picked up the cheque; both were more insane than I, and that's just a barometer mark you don't cross--when the guy is crazier than you, don't have sex with him. One went to the friend who fixed us up's sofa and cried like a baby over the woman he was obsessed with who didn't want him and the other told me of driving his car maniacally into one his father drove because his parents threw away the stuff he'd left behind months if not years before. What can I say--not good mating material.) What can I say? When I was 18 and first dating, I had no standards, and I deserved what I got. I learned my lesson, and now I have standards. I don't think they're too high:
ABSOLUTE DEAL BREAKERS WHEN DATING A MAN:
1) The guy must be heterosexual. Not gay, not bisexual, not 'oh I'm straight but I sleep with men', not 'oh I'm straight but I troll for sex in men's restrooms', but rather 100% into women. Period. (What can I say, it's a sticking point for good reason.)
2) The guy must not be a momma's boy. Been there, done that, have the scars to prove it.
3) The guy must have an engaging personality.
4) The guy must be reasonably sane and not have anger management issues or abusive tendencies. He must not be controlling or emotionally or physically abusive. He should be able to argue without going to that level, and be able to make up quite nicely.
5) The guy should not do any drugs. Period. He should not drink excessively either. Social alcohol use is fine; downing a six-pack of beers a night just to relax is not.
6) If we're dating, we date exclusively. No adultery, no sex outside the relationship, no cybersex. I also will not be the other woman, so married men and those in relationships already need not apply.
7) The guy must be willing to practice birth control. I'll do my part, but I expect a condom (not latex, I'm allergic, so you may have to search a little--I'll even provide them if you want) unless we're married and even then I don't plan on having little ones. You better be okay with that, because at my age, it just ain't happening, barring some sort of divine intervention where three types of birth control fail at once.
8) Life shouldn't be all about him. We all have self-interests and can be selfish at times, but I'm mainly talking about narcissist, assinine guys who can't draw themselves away from the mirror long enough to do anything productive with you.
IMPORTANT:
1) The guy must have enough intelligence to carry on a conversation with where both of us are enjoying it. He doesn't have to be a rocket scientist. This rule can be suspended as long as sex is the goal and not marriage, as long as he is trainable, hot, and sexy.
2) The guy shouldn't smoke or dip tobacco. It's gross--especially the dipping part. I am almost willing to take a smoker who smokes very little (doesn't smell like stale cigarettes) who is quitting and willing to brush his teeth before kissing, but that's a stretch. What can I say, dip is just disgusting.
3) The guy should be reasonably good with money. Lord knows I need help. But no gambling problems, etc.
4) The guy should be capable of love. (If only sex is required, this is not absolute. If something more might develop, then it pretty much is.)
5) The guy should have a somewhat romantic streak (remember my birthday and Valentine's day and at least get a card and maybe a single rose). I promise to do likewise.
Notice physical appearance doesn't really enter into the scheme, although of course that is part of the chemistry that's important before dating or having sex with someone. Nor am I hung up on, 'I have to be in love and ready to commit myself on the first date'. I may be a prude, but sex is raw, emotional, and is really just a 'pleasant physical activity' as one of my friends once said. We can just get down and dirty and not plan a life together, although I can't see doing it the first date (unless we've known each other a fairly long while). It doesn't mean I'm yours forever, and depending on what happens it may work or not.
I have slightly different rules for women, but generally they remain similar. Okay, I guess everything's important except for the 'momma's boy' part (daddy's girls aren't quite the same) and with a woman I wouldn't necessarily hold bisexuality against her, although I'd still expect to date exclusively. Women's sexuality is sometimes a little complicated compared to men's.
Anyway, there's my rules on dating/sex. If you are willing to abide by them, please do apply. Once I get past the initial uncertainty I actually enjoy sex and dating. It's the geeky lack of social skills and fear of being hurt that cause the problem.
Josh Hanagarne over at the World's Strongest Librarian blog has some great guest bloggers. This post is written by Ashley Ambirge of the Middle Finger Project. And it is, in point of fact, a jewel.
I consider myself a feminist. I also have a traditionalist streak. Ms Ambirge has neatly explained why someone who feels liberated might still want a man to pay the cheque. Why we thrill if a man opens a door for us. Why interesting conversation is fine, but at the end of the day, it's sex that drives us.
Now I admire that, despite the fact that in fact I am a bit of a prude and am secretly afraid of sex. Let's say I have issues with sex stemming from formative years and I'm still working on overcoming them. Not that I've had much opportunity, as I've been on exactly two dates since 1994 and have not had sex after either one (neither picked up the cheque; both were more insane than I, and that's just a barometer mark you don't cross--when the guy is crazier than you, don't have sex with him. One went to the friend who fixed us up's sofa and cried like a baby over the woman he was obsessed with who didn't want him and the other told me of driving his car maniacally into one his father drove because his parents threw away the stuff he'd left behind months if not years before. What can I say--not good mating material.) What can I say? When I was 18 and first dating, I had no standards, and I deserved what I got. I learned my lesson, and now I have standards. I don't think they're too high:
ABSOLUTE DEAL BREAKERS WHEN DATING A MAN:
1) The guy must be heterosexual. Not gay, not bisexual, not 'oh I'm straight but I sleep with men', not 'oh I'm straight but I troll for sex in men's restrooms', but rather 100% into women. Period. (What can I say, it's a sticking point for good reason.)
2) The guy must not be a momma's boy. Been there, done that, have the scars to prove it.
3) The guy must have an engaging personality.
4) The guy must be reasonably sane and not have anger management issues or abusive tendencies. He must not be controlling or emotionally or physically abusive. He should be able to argue without going to that level, and be able to make up quite nicely.
5) The guy should not do any drugs. Period. He should not drink excessively either. Social alcohol use is fine; downing a six-pack of beers a night just to relax is not.
6) If we're dating, we date exclusively. No adultery, no sex outside the relationship, no cybersex. I also will not be the other woman, so married men and those in relationships already need not apply.
7) The guy must be willing to practice birth control. I'll do my part, but I expect a condom (not latex, I'm allergic, so you may have to search a little--I'll even provide them if you want) unless we're married and even then I don't plan on having little ones. You better be okay with that, because at my age, it just ain't happening, barring some sort of divine intervention where three types of birth control fail at once.
8) Life shouldn't be all about him. We all have self-interests and can be selfish at times, but I'm mainly talking about narcissist, assinine guys who can't draw themselves away from the mirror long enough to do anything productive with you.
IMPORTANT:
1) The guy must have enough intelligence to carry on a conversation with where both of us are enjoying it. He doesn't have to be a rocket scientist. This rule can be suspended as long as sex is the goal and not marriage, as long as he is trainable, hot, and sexy.
2) The guy shouldn't smoke or dip tobacco. It's gross--especially the dipping part. I am almost willing to take a smoker who smokes very little (doesn't smell like stale cigarettes) who is quitting and willing to brush his teeth before kissing, but that's a stretch. What can I say, dip is just disgusting.
3) The guy should be reasonably good with money. Lord knows I need help. But no gambling problems, etc.
4) The guy should be capable of love. (If only sex is required, this is not absolute. If something more might develop, then it pretty much is.)
5) The guy should have a somewhat romantic streak (remember my birthday and Valentine's day and at least get a card and maybe a single rose). I promise to do likewise.
Notice physical appearance doesn't really enter into the scheme, although of course that is part of the chemistry that's important before dating or having sex with someone. Nor am I hung up on, 'I have to be in love and ready to commit myself on the first date'. I may be a prude, but sex is raw, emotional, and is really just a 'pleasant physical activity' as one of my friends once said. We can just get down and dirty and not plan a life together, although I can't see doing it the first date (unless we've known each other a fairly long while). It doesn't mean I'm yours forever, and depending on what happens it may work or not.
I have slightly different rules for women, but generally they remain similar. Okay, I guess everything's important except for the 'momma's boy' part (daddy's girls aren't quite the same) and with a woman I wouldn't necessarily hold bisexuality against her, although I'd still expect to date exclusively. Women's sexuality is sometimes a little complicated compared to men's.
Anyway, there's my rules on dating/sex. If you are willing to abide by them, please do apply. Once I get past the initial uncertainty I actually enjoy sex and dating. It's the geeky lack of social skills and fear of being hurt that cause the problem.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Okay, one quiz
The Window ShopperRandom Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLD) Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come. Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns. Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs. Your exact female opposite: The Stiletto  Deliberate Brutal Sex Master Always avoid: The Hornivore (RBSM) Consider: The Gentleman (DGLM), The Loverboy (RGLM), The Boy Next Door (RGLD) |
| Link: The Online Dating Persona Test | OkCupid - dating services | Dating My profile name: : eilir |
YKWIA told me about this one. I haven't had as much experience as it indicates, but otherwise I think it may be pretty accurate.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Today's been busy and I need to go on to bed
but I did a quiz while I was eating. Here you go...
I really will try to be up to something other than quick quizzes soon. :)
Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating. My profile name: : eilir |
Your Score: Activism
You scored -10Moral Order, 6 Moral Rules!
Activism can be dedicated to many causes: animal rights, environment, civil rights, global poverty... Activists come in all shapes and form but tend to share the same belief as Socialists regarding InterDependence. They tend to focus social causes that are farther to the left than the mainstream, therefore their position on the chart. Also included in this category (although maybe with some variations) are: Anti-Globalism Greenism
| Link: The Moral Politics Test written by humder on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test |
I really will try to be up to something other than quick quizzes soon. :)
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