I spent the evening with a friend

Looking at things on the computer and eating a lovely fennel casserole with zucchini, yellow squash, onions, tomatoes, basil, and (of course) fennel, with cheese over top. It was so good we both had seconds.

As a result, I didn't quite get everything on my list finished, although I did go to Lowe's and got everything I wanted. I'm going to repot several houseplants, and fix the window boxes up with sweet potato vine, light purple petunias, and dark purple calibrachoa. I think that'll look nice.

So the plan is to get up early tomorrow and:

1. Re-pot and pot the plants.
2. Set the window boxes out on their ledges.
3. Pull out the things from the walk-in closet.
4. Call in the air conditioning and toilet issues.
5. Go to pulmonary rehabilitation. [Cancelled due to soreness/pain]
6. Go to counseling.
7. Unload the dishwasher.
8. Load the dishwasher and run it.
9. Do the mountain of non-dishwasher-safe dishes.
10. Apply for a job.
11. Get the goldfish.
12. Take a friend to and from a meeting.

In addition to everything else I said I'd do today, I went to the library, paid my fines, and picked up a couple of interlibrary loans for a friend. Now I'm tired and I think I'll head on to bed. Good night!

I read this today, and it really resonated with me

BODY IMAGE AND DATING

Except that I take it an extra step--I am so terrified by dating that I have been known to put 70 lbs of weight on when someone asked me out. For me, fat isn't just something that makes dating difficult, it's something I've chosen to gain, albeit unconsciously, in some vain attempt to keep people at arm's length. Of course, there are people who are attracted to fat girls. I have some internalised fat phobia, so I guess I didn't think that one through. But the thing is, I recognise what I've done now. I am just at a loss as to where to go from there. I would like to have a relationship at some point, but my last and only relationship had me in a triunity with two gay men, with my self-esteem in the basement, and very near a nervous breakdown. That ended 23 years ago. I've dated about three times since then, briefly. One I did pretty well with because I was the one in control, but it never panned out and was pretty much limited to a physical relationship, with a woman. One single date was a guy who was so hung up on the girl who'd dumped him that he went home afterwards and cried on a friend's couch because he could never replace her. The other was a co-worker that I really hit it off with, and then I found out he was 17 years my junior (with grey hair). I was prepared to ignore that when he regaled me with the time he got angry when his folks got rid of some of his stuff and he rammed his car into a car his dad had been driving, and threw a crowbar at the garage door, damaging it. No siree. I have a very firm rule to not date people with anger issues. So so much for that. The time I gained 70 lbs was when a woman had been taking me out and I didn't realise she was actually interested in dating until she came out and asked, and she was the smothering type and I'd had that before, and couldn't bear to be smothered again. So I did the 'it's not you, it's me' speech, ran away, and ate half the state of Kentucky.

Anyway, dating/forming relationships is one of the things my counselor and I plan on working on. I just entered therapy with her. She's a psychologist, and I'm hoping things go better with her than the social workers in the past. They tend to focus on things that don't matter in the long run--and just let me ramble without suggestions or actual therapy. I'm hoping this new therapist is different. I have appointments to see her in May, Wish me luck on that! In the meantime, I need to work on my body image and self-esteem on my own.

Okay, I have an endocrinologist appointment early tomorrow, I'd better day good night, now.

PS I got my first of a series of allergy shots today. With the exception of itching all over, and I guess part of that could have been psychosomatic, I did fine. The plan is to go on Tuesdays and Friday and then I can stay the 30 minutes I"m required to and then go home or wherever.

What a busy couple of days

Saturday I:

1. Was all emotionally screwed up when I got to my friends' house, and more than a little premenstrual
2. Had mermaid therapy with a couple of episodes of 'H2O: Just Add Water' (which did help my mood)
3. Took a friend to the grocery
4. Came home for a nap, which was aborted, which did nothing to help my mood
5. Helped another with cooking, which did help
6. Ate dinner
7. Watched an episode of 'Midsomer Murders' with friends, called 'The Axeman Cometh', where I sympathised with the murderer in this one

Sunday I felt better emotionally, but my neck and back were really bothering me. Despite that, I:

1. Helped with the house cleaning
2. Went to the grocery for game snacks
3. Re-potted a plant
4. Played the game
5. Helped with a project afterwards

I got home about midnight on Saturday and eleven at night on Sunday. So it was a very full weekend. Speaking to YKWIA, who is wise in many things, I really have to come to the conclusion (and not for the first time, but this one might stick), that I go to great lengths not to be alone, and when I do face that prospect--whether it's being alone at home or going out and doing something, I usually curl into a ball and sleep. I even get to the point where I blame others for taking up my time when, in fact, I'm lingering or otherwise making sure I don't have to face myself when I go home by keeping myself busy for others. There's definitely some unknown pathology there. I am considering going back into counseling, perhaps with a psychologist (I never seem to get much benefit from dealing with social workers). Perhaps she or he could help me ferret out the reasons behind this and find coping mechanisms so I can learn to enjoy being alone. I used to. But then I didn't have much choice; I was alone a great deal growing up. We'll see. It is a little odd, and I don't think it's true monophobia or anything like that. But it's affecting my personal life quite a lot. (Of course, professionally, I'm rarely alone.) For one, I didn't finish that class I was in because I could never stay up and focused while at home, even though I had the opportunity. :( So, I really need to address that. I can't enjoy things that I might do like browsing through the vendors at a art fair or festival, or going to a movie, reading a book, or just watching shows at home. About the only thing I can do is listen to music, which was my standby when I broke my ankle and was off on my own for three months. I didn't really manage to read books or watch things then, either. About the only things I can do comfortably when I'm on my own is listen to music and play on the computer. I have to learn to enjoy being by myself again.

Listening to

'Everybody Hurts' by REM


Today I felt crappy. My blood sugar was 343 this morning, 210 this evening (although on the upside I not only remembered to test both times but took my Janumet for both doses, something I don't always remember to do). Normal is 60-120. I got a phone call this morning from Dr Nesbitt's office with the results of my bloodwork. My hA1C (which measures blood sugar over a three month period, was 8.3 (normal being less than 6.0)). In other words, my diabetes is out of control. Dr Nesbitt is putting me on an additional generic pill to help, and I take it in the morning, which will be much better in terms of me remembering to take it. In the afternoons I get caught up in things and barely remember to eat, much less test and take medicine. But Dr Nesbitt specifically mentioned this as an alternative to insulin, which I don't want to be on. Today I didn't have anything sugary except for some spreadable fruit on a peanut butter sandwich, but I haven't been really cutting out sweets and empty carbs lately. I need to do better, maybe have a couple pieces of chocolate at the game but not many, for example. I really need to take this seriously.

On a positive note, my cholesterol went down from 190 to 138. And I always have blood pressure on the low end of normal and a good resting heartbeat.

I also had therapy today, most of which dealt with my lack of self-esteem, my need to find reasons to like myself and come up with goals in my life (and put them into practice), and the bizarre life that was my marriage. I think it was really useful. This is the first social worker I've seen who was perceptive and listened to me without pushing a personal agenda. Of course, he's also the first male social worker I've seen, so maybe that's part of it.

I'm going to go onto bed, I think. I'll try to write someting more meaningful tomorrow, assuming I'm not tired after getting a crown put in at the dentist and working on truck night. Good night.

Sounds like a good pen name...

Your Old Fashioned Name Is...

Sybil Loddington

What's Your Old Fashioned Name?

Cerys' appointment is Wednesday with Dr Vice, so only two more days of itchiness to go. I saw my counselor today and it was a very useful session, with a focus on my passive resistant behaviour (think passive-agressive without the aggessive part--it's still a childish attempt to manipulate authority by seeming to comply be not doing so) and manifesting dreams by changing how we view the world and how it treats us. I also did laundry tonight, so there went a good chunk of my list.

To do

1. Make appointment for Cerys' cortisone shot
   
2. Go to counselor's
   
3. Do laundry
   
4. Go to said vet appointment
   
5. Run errands
   
6. Look over bills
   
7. Budget for bills
   
8. Pay bills
   
9. Make sure boss let me off for Friday, the night of sleep study
   
10. Request days off for painting
    
11. Prepare for doom