I feel like I wasted most of my day off

I spent much of it in bed. When I wasn't in bed, I was blogging or on Facebook, or some other Internet site. I didn't take a shower, didn't take any of my medication, which is unlike me. I did finally take a nice, relaxing bath just now, and got into clean comfy clothes. I did finally hear back from my friend regarding our project; we're going to do it Wednesday between my appointments.

I would like to say that I didn't feel like getting involved in anything I might have to interrupt while I was waiting for that call, but that's not it. Part of it is the 'when I'm alone I sleep' thing. But mostly, I just didn't feel like doing much of anything today. I find it relaxing to play on social media and blog. All the while I beat myself up for not accomplishing anything, but I think my body just said, wait, it's your day off, get some rest.

I have tomorrow free from my normal responsibilities as well. I may go to the festival for a bit, time it around an hour before the parade, so that I'm not spending all day there. That leaves the morning for doing some of the things I felt I should have done today--cleaning house, going over my bills, doing game notes, enjoying watching something [I would like to watch Galaxy Quest, as it's fun, and it's streaming on Netflix]. Then, after the parade ends (around 4 pm), I can either come home and do some more stuff, maybe get in the pool if we're rain/thunderstorm free (it never worked out today with the weather the way it was). Then I'll head over to the fireworks that evening. I'll check up on my friends, at some point, and call my mom and see how she is doing. So it should be a pretty full day, unlike today. Maybe I just needed a day to do nothing. I didn't even putz, really, just slept, ate a little, and played on the computer. I don't relax as well as I used to. I used to read, or listen to music, or watch something. Somewhere along the way I got used to relaxing with other people involved, and lost the ability to keep myself occupied. So tomorrow I'm going to work on that.

What a busy couple of days

Saturday I:

1. Was all emotionally screwed up when I got to my friends' house, and more than a little premenstrual
2. Had mermaid therapy with a couple of episodes of 'H2O: Just Add Water' (which did help my mood)
3. Took a friend to the grocery
4. Came home for a nap, which was aborted, which did nothing to help my mood
5. Helped another with cooking, which did help
6. Ate dinner
7. Watched an episode of 'Midsomer Murders' with friends, called 'The Axeman Cometh', where I sympathised with the murderer in this one

Sunday I felt better emotionally, but my neck and back were really bothering me. Despite that, I:

1. Helped with the house cleaning
2. Went to the grocery for game snacks
3. Re-potted a plant
4. Played the game
5. Helped with a project afterwards

I got home about midnight on Saturday and eleven at night on Sunday. So it was a very full weekend. Speaking to YKWIA, who is wise in many things, I really have to come to the conclusion (and not for the first time, but this one might stick), that I go to great lengths not to be alone, and when I do face that prospect--whether it's being alone at home or going out and doing something, I usually curl into a ball and sleep. I even get to the point where I blame others for taking up my time when, in fact, I'm lingering or otherwise making sure I don't have to face myself when I go home by keeping myself busy for others. There's definitely some unknown pathology there. I am considering going back into counseling, perhaps with a psychologist (I never seem to get much benefit from dealing with social workers). Perhaps she or he could help me ferret out the reasons behind this and find coping mechanisms so I can learn to enjoy being alone. I used to. But then I didn't have much choice; I was alone a great deal growing up. We'll see. It is a little odd, and I don't think it's true monophobia or anything like that. But it's affecting my personal life quite a lot. (Of course, professionally, I'm rarely alone.) For one, I didn't finish that class I was in because I could never stay up and focused while at home, even though I had the opportunity. :( So, I really need to address that. I can't enjoy things that I might do like browsing through the vendors at a art fair or festival, or going to a movie, reading a book, or just watching shows at home. About the only thing I can do is listen to music, which was my standby when I broke my ankle and was off on my own for three months. I didn't really manage to read books or watch things then, either. About the only things I can do comfortably when I'm on my own is listen to music and play on the computer. I have to learn to enjoy being by myself again.