I sat in a regular chair last night

There was a time that I would come over to play the weekly Call of Cthulhu tabletop tabletop role-playing game (you know, like Dungeons & Dragons, but this is Lovecraft, so with tentacles and sanity loss) that we've been playing almost weekly since 1991, and I'd get out my 'special chair', a gold-coloured metal folding one. The reason is the gamemaster had this table that folded up and it has some chairs that folded up and were stored inside - but they were pretty flimsy, so much so that another player who was smaller than I in a fit of pique plopped down on one and busted it, and so he was pretty concerned with my weight (about 250 at the time) I would break them. Then he got a table with some sturdy farm chairs and I moved to those and have ever since, the special chair being retired. At some point he got a table and six chairs from his mother-in-law (while they were married) and they are normal but not particularly sturdy. I have never been in one, as I had been, at over 300 lbs. in danger of breaking one of them, and I would be embarrassed and it's not like you can replace something like that, something that's a set. So it was an unwritten agreement between us that I not sit in those.

Last night I was helping him with something but of course with my leg it was best if I did it sitting down. I thought he'd pull over the farmhouse chair I was currently sitting in at the kitchen table, but no, he got one of the kitchen chairs and motioned me to it. I asked him if he was sure and he said that there was no reason I couldn't. I set gingerly in the chair and finally eventually got comfortable.

I actually weigh less than he does at the moment and I know he's very proud of what I've done with the weight loss. But that moment really brought that home. You have to understand that he is never cruel about these things, just merely practical. He never meant to hurt my feelings by not letting me sit on certain chairs... He just didn't want anything broken or for me to be hurt. But he did mean to make me feel better this time. And I really appreciate it.

People who are normal really don't understand how much fat people walk on eggshells when it comes to chairs. You go out to a restaurant with friend and you're on the rickety chair, and you sit there balancing and wondering if it's just going to go out from under you. Or you sit there going oh please please please don't give me the booth because I won't be able to to enjoy my meal because I'm going to sit here squeezed in unable to even breathe. It's a real problem and don't even get me started on planes am I going to be able to fit even with the extended seat belt are they going to make me pay for another seat? I agonized on that when I went to Chicago those 5 years (well 4 years; when I got hit by the car I had to cancel one). It just is maddening and all because you're fat.

Of course 'fat' is a very subjective term. I thought I was terribly fat when was 12, and looking back, I wasn't. People 140 lbs. who were 120 lbs. in high school think they're fat. Certainly the weight tables and diet industry don't help. I'm supposed to weigh 145 tops for my height. The last time I weighed that I was 4'11" and in junior high. I would be fine at maybe 160-180 at smallest. I always said I'd be happy with the 180-200 range. This morning, even with the swelling, I'm at 217, which 1) is 5 lbs. less than Friday morning, so hopefully the swelling is going down and 2) means that overall I've lost more weight because the last non-swelling number was also 217, so if it weren't for the fact my left leg looks like an elephant's, particularly in the evening, it would be less. So I probably weigh something like 212 within the inflammation. That amazes me. And since I'll be away from the vending machines, junk food in general, and I don't have much appetite anyway, I may lose more. We'll see.

This hits home

My mom constantly dieted. She was on Atkins back in the 70s at one point and was so skinny she looked anorexic. I remember desserts of sugar-free jello powder whipped into sugar-free Cool Whip. She was worried about my weight and put me on Tab and Fresca (sugar-free sodas) at age 8. I grew up with an unhealthy relationship with food. I can still remember stealing leftovers and hiding my eating, and I thought I was the fattest thing ever. I binged on apples and bread as a teen. I really just needed a growth spurt here and there and looking at old pictures, it's obvious that while bigger than some, I was not really fat, and I was pretty active. I biked across the desert for two miles, for example, just to go swimming in the base pool. I walked or biked everywhere, after all. But I grew up fatphobic and still struggle with that, even though I am fat now, and I have to catch myself judging others and especially myself. We never really came to terms with our shared experience with food, though, and with her death, never will.

My mother judged my body as a girl. Years later, we finally understand each other

A good memoir regarding generational dieting and negative weight stereotypes and the harm it does, check out The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl by Shauna Reid.

This sums up my fears of flying nicely

I conquered the fear of crashing years ago, but as someone who takes a yearly trip on very small commuter planes, well, flying fat is an entirely different, horrible fear:

What it’s like to be that fat person sitting next to you on the plane.

She has some very good points...

Like Comparing Fat People and Oranges

Let’s look at a final example: Research found that men with certain baldness patterns have a much higher risk of heart disease. Additional research found that the baldness and heart disease likely have the same root cause. Thank goodness the weight loss people weren’t in charge of this or instead of the additional research we’d have a government-sponsored War on Baldness and a sixty billion dollar industry telling men that they have to grow their hair back to be healthy and that if they don’t it’s their fault, accompanied by reporters whipping everyone into a frenzy with articles about how much bald men who get heart disease are costing society.

I really like this writer, who makes a lot of sense in a world where fat people are considered funny (and not in a good way), greedy, lazy, a drain on society, and immoral, simply because they are either overweight or sometimes, just because they are perceived as such even when they're an average size. People who have never been fat do not understand that while there are those of us who are fat and not particularly healthy (and I count myself in that category, as I need to work to increase my health--physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually), there are people who are fat who are, like this lady, training physically and eating well (she's working on finishing an Ironman challenge, for crying out loud), and yeah, they're still fat. I know that I will never be thin. That's okay. I would like to have some better stamina, balance, and be able to walk up stairs without going into an asthma attack. That's something I can do and improve myself. I think that's more realistic and more important than 'looking' thin. Fat phobia is real. I even have a lot of internalised fat phobia myself--I think most fat people do. People like Ragen Chastain are trying to get people to recognise the biases against fat people. And even more to the point, she's doing things that make her happy, and leads a full life, from what I can tell, and that's important no matter what size you are. Fat people have a tendency to hide away because they don't want to be seen doing things like dancing, biking, travelling, etc., when they should be embracing life. I highly recommend her blog.

I like this

The Problem With Calling People Overweight, and why the descriptor 'fat' makes much more sense, from the Dances with Fat blog.

I read this today, and it really resonated with me

BODY IMAGE AND DATING

Except that I take it an extra step--I am so terrified by dating that I have been known to put 70 lbs of weight on when someone asked me out. For me, fat isn't just something that makes dating difficult, it's something I've chosen to gain, albeit unconsciously, in some vain attempt to keep people at arm's length. Of course, there are people who are attracted to fat girls. I have some internalised fat phobia, so I guess I didn't think that one through. But the thing is, I recognise what I've done now. I am just at a loss as to where to go from there. I would like to have a relationship at some point, but my last and only relationship had me in a triunity with two gay men, with my self-esteem in the basement, and very near a nervous breakdown. That ended 23 years ago. I've dated about three times since then, briefly. One I did pretty well with because I was the one in control, but it never panned out and was pretty much limited to a physical relationship, with a woman. One single date was a guy who was so hung up on the girl who'd dumped him that he went home afterwards and cried on a friend's couch because he could never replace her. The other was a co-worker that I really hit it off with, and then I found out he was 17 years my junior (with grey hair). I was prepared to ignore that when he regaled me with the time he got angry when his folks got rid of some of his stuff and he rammed his car into a car his dad had been driving, and threw a crowbar at the garage door, damaging it. No siree. I have a very firm rule to not date people with anger issues. So so much for that. The time I gained 70 lbs was when a woman had been taking me out and I didn't realise she was actually interested in dating until she came out and asked, and she was the smothering type and I'd had that before, and couldn't bear to be smothered again. So I did the 'it's not you, it's me' speech, ran away, and ate half the state of Kentucky.

Anyway, dating/forming relationships is one of the things my counselor and I plan on working on. I just entered therapy with her. She's a psychologist, and I'm hoping things go better with her than the social workers in the past. They tend to focus on things that don't matter in the long run--and just let me ramble without suggestions or actual therapy. I'm hoping this new therapist is different. I have appointments to see her in May, Wish me luck on that! In the meantime, I need to work on my body image and self-esteem on my own.

Okay, I have an endocrinologist appointment early tomorrow, I'd better day good night, now.

PS I got my first of a series of allergy shots today. With the exception of itching all over, and I guess part of that could have been psychosomatic, I did fine. The plan is to go on Tuesdays and Friday and then I can stay the 30 minutes I"m required to and then go home or wherever.

Okay, I don't shop at Wal-Mart for a host of reasons, but there is also this...

'Fat Girl Costumes': Walmart apologizes for offensive plus-size Halloween costumes section name

Until a little after 11 a.m. on Monday, Walmart advertised costumes for plus-size women on their website as "Fat Girl Costumes."

The section name was discovered by a Jezebel reader Kristyn Washburn, who then tipped off the website. The section featured many of the same outfits as the Women's Plus Size section.

YKWIA called me this morning and told me about this. Yes, much like the Target 'manatee grey' fiasco where a dress was described like that in the plus-sized clothes line even though the regular sizes were in 'dark heather grey', we have 'Fat Girl Costumes' as a subsection of the Wal-Mart website, with a banner that read, 'Make it a monstrously big Halloween for less.' Yeah, wow, there's a way to get customers to buy your product, right? Who thought this was a good idea? And even if they were somehow costumes made in China labelled that way (and there's no indication I've found that that was the case), someone should have figured putting a subsection online with that name would be, well, bad from a public relations standpoint. Okay, yes, we know we're fat. But if you're going to use the word like this, at least be consistent, like manatee grey for regular sizes or, I don't know, maybe 'Fat Boy Costumes'--I notice it seems to be fat women who are the target here. Which is funny, because that's also the target customer, and one rule of customer service is to not offend your customer. *Shakes head.*

Well, yeah

"Fat shaming" may make people gain more

Discrimination against overweight or obese people, commonly known as "fat shaming," does not help them lose weight and may do more harm than good, according to research from London.

Being harassed or treated with disrespect, receiving poor service while shopping or being thought of as stupid may actually lead to more weight gain, the researchers found.

"Our study clearly shows that weight discrimination is part of the obesity problem and not the solution," said the study's senior author, Jane Wardle, director of the Cancer Research UK Health Behaviour Centre at University College London (UCL).

"Weight bias has been documented not only among the general public but also among health professionals, and many obese patients report being treated disrespectfully by doctors because of their weight. Everyone, including doctors, should stop blaming and shaming people for their weight and offer support, and where appropriate, treatment," Wardle added in a university news release.

Disturbing

I have a real fear of Alzheimer's. My great-grandmother had it; I saw her deteriorate over fifteen years to silence. I live in and am a ninth-generation native of a state ranked 15th in deaths due to Alzheimer's as of 2004 (the last year they have statistics for, apparently). I spent a good chunk of my childhood in the state ranked #1, Louisiana. I already have problems with memory, and it's hard to distinguish factors like normal aging, psychological or medication issues, and something more serious when it's early on. Plus, I have another risk factor according to this article:

Study Links Middle-Age Belly Fat to Dementia