I sat in a regular chair last night

There was a time that I would come over to play the weekly Call of Cthulhu tabletop tabletop role-playing game (you know, like Dungeons & Dragons, but this is Lovecraft, so with tentacles and sanity loss) that we've been playing almost weekly since 1991, and I'd get out my 'special chair', a gold-coloured metal folding one. The reason is the gamemaster had this table that folded up and it has some chairs that folded up and were stored inside - but they were pretty flimsy, so much so that another player who was smaller than I in a fit of pique plopped down on one and busted it, and so he was pretty concerned with my weight (about 250 at the time) I would break them. Then he got a table with some sturdy farm chairs and I moved to those and have ever since, the special chair being retired. At some point he got a table and six chairs from his mother-in-law (while they were married) and they are normal but not particularly sturdy. I have never been in one, as I had been, at over 300 lbs. in danger of breaking one of them, and I would be embarrassed and it's not like you can replace something like that, something that's a set. So it was an unwritten agreement between us that I not sit in those.

Last night I was helping him with something but of course with my leg it was best if I did it sitting down. I thought he'd pull over the farmhouse chair I was currently sitting in at the kitchen table, but no, he got one of the kitchen chairs and motioned me to it. I asked him if he was sure and he said that there was no reason I couldn't. I set gingerly in the chair and finally eventually got comfortable.

I actually weigh less than he does at the moment and I know he's very proud of what I've done with the weight loss. But that moment really brought that home. You have to understand that he is never cruel about these things, just merely practical. He never meant to hurt my feelings by not letting me sit on certain chairs... He just didn't want anything broken or for me to be hurt. But he did mean to make me feel better this time. And I really appreciate it.

People who are normal really don't understand how much fat people walk on eggshells when it comes to chairs. You go out to a restaurant with friend and you're on the rickety chair, and you sit there balancing and wondering if it's just going to go out from under you. Or you sit there going oh please please please don't give me the booth because I won't be able to to enjoy my meal because I'm going to sit here squeezed in unable to even breathe. It's a real problem and don't even get me started on planes am I going to be able to fit even with the extended seat belt are they going to make me pay for another seat? I agonized on that when I went to Chicago those 5 years (well 4 years; when I got hit by the car I had to cancel one). It just is maddening and all because you're fat.

Of course 'fat' is a very subjective term. I thought I was terribly fat when was 12, and looking back, I wasn't. People 140 lbs. who were 120 lbs. in high school think they're fat. Certainly the weight tables and diet industry don't help. I'm supposed to weigh 145 tops for my height. The last time I weighed that I was 4'11" and in junior high. I would be fine at maybe 160-180 at smallest. I always said I'd be happy with the 180-200 range. This morning, even with the swelling, I'm at 217, which 1) is 5 lbs. less than Friday morning, so hopefully the swelling is going down and 2) means that overall I've lost more weight because the last non-swelling number was also 217, so if it weren't for the fact my left leg looks like an elephant's, particularly in the evening, it would be less. So I probably weigh something like 212 within the inflammation. That amazes me. And since I'll be away from the vending machines, junk food in general, and I don't have much appetite anyway, I may lose more. We'll see.

I feel a little guilty

about not going to the hospital tonight after I got out of my appointment, but since they shut down visitation during shift change, I'd have had to gone about 8:30 pm, and from what I gather, nothing much has changed, except she was moved to another unit within the hospital and can squeeze a hand if asked, since she's on a ventilator and cannot speak. I did check with the nurse this morning and her husband tonight. Tomorrow I have yet another appointment after work, physical therapy, and so if she's still in the hospital Friday I'll visit. I would hope she wouldn't be, but I think she probably will. She's pretty sick. It's hard to see her like that, though, and I will say, her husband is doing a good job of being by her side, although I'm sure it's wearing on him. He'd driving home every night after being there all day to take care of his 93-year-old mother, a dog, and a cat, and then coming back each day, and he's about 45 minutes away one way, and he's no spring chicken. In the midst of some of her issues his dog had an infection and had to have emergency surgery and his sister died of a heart attack--so it's been a very rough two or three weeks for him.

I have a somewhat complicated relationship with her, and while we were very close, too close really, once upon a time, we don't see or talk to each other often. But I hate to see her suffering, and I do love her, and it's very sad and I just haven't processed it quite yet, her mortality. Getting older is no picnic, but being older and having multiple conditions any one of which can quickly kill you sucks majorly. It also makes me examine my own life and future, and maybe some changes I could make. I can't imagine losing her, but I'm very much afraid that I will, and soon--if not this hospitalisation, then one to come. It makes me very sad to think about it, although it's tempered by the reality being faced. And as difficult as it is for us to watch, it must be horrible for her. I know the tubes and wires are really making her uncomfortable, and she was obviously frustrated by not being able to speak. My hope is that she can get off all of that and return home, and soon, to her pining cat, crazy dog, and her husband. I know that's where she would want.