I feel a little guilty

about not going to the hospital tonight after I got out of my appointment, but since they shut down visitation during shift change, I'd have had to gone about 8:30 pm, and from what I gather, nothing much has changed, except she was moved to another unit within the hospital and can squeeze a hand if asked, since she's on a ventilator and cannot speak. I did check with the nurse this morning and her husband tonight. Tomorrow I have yet another appointment after work, physical therapy, and so if she's still in the hospital Friday I'll visit. I would hope she wouldn't be, but I think she probably will. She's pretty sick. It's hard to see her like that, though, and I will say, her husband is doing a good job of being by her side, although I'm sure it's wearing on him. He'd driving home every night after being there all day to take care of his 93-year-old mother, a dog, and a cat, and then coming back each day, and he's about 45 minutes away one way, and he's no spring chicken. In the midst of some of her issues his dog had an infection and had to have emergency surgery and his sister died of a heart attack--so it's been a very rough two or three weeks for him.

I have a somewhat complicated relationship with her, and while we were very close, too close really, once upon a time, we don't see or talk to each other often. But I hate to see her suffering, and I do love her, and it's very sad and I just haven't processed it quite yet, her mortality. Getting older is no picnic, but being older and having multiple conditions any one of which can quickly kill you sucks majorly. It also makes me examine my own life and future, and maybe some changes I could make. I can't imagine losing her, but I'm very much afraid that I will, and soon--if not this hospitalisation, then one to come. It makes me very sad to think about it, although it's tempered by the reality being faced. And as difficult as it is for us to watch, it must be horrible for her. I know the tubes and wires are really making her uncomfortable, and she was obviously frustrated by not being able to speak. My hope is that she can get off all of that and return home, and soon, to her pining cat, crazy dog, and her husband. I know that's where she would want.