I read this today, and it really resonated with me

BODY IMAGE AND DATING

Except that I take it an extra step--I am so terrified by dating that I have been known to put 70 lbs of weight on when someone asked me out. For me, fat isn't just something that makes dating difficult, it's something I've chosen to gain, albeit unconsciously, in some vain attempt to keep people at arm's length. Of course, there are people who are attracted to fat girls. I have some internalised fat phobia, so I guess I didn't think that one through. But the thing is, I recognise what I've done now. I am just at a loss as to where to go from there. I would like to have a relationship at some point, but my last and only relationship had me in a triunity with two gay men, with my self-esteem in the basement, and very near a nervous breakdown. That ended 23 years ago. I've dated about three times since then, briefly. One I did pretty well with because I was the one in control, but it never panned out and was pretty much limited to a physical relationship, with a woman. One single date was a guy who was so hung up on the girl who'd dumped him that he went home afterwards and cried on a friend's couch because he could never replace her. The other was a co-worker that I really hit it off with, and then I found out he was 17 years my junior (with grey hair). I was prepared to ignore that when he regaled me with the time he got angry when his folks got rid of some of his stuff and he rammed his car into a car his dad had been driving, and threw a crowbar at the garage door, damaging it. No siree. I have a very firm rule to not date people with anger issues. So so much for that. The time I gained 70 lbs was when a woman had been taking me out and I didn't realise she was actually interested in dating until she came out and asked, and she was the smothering type and I'd had that before, and couldn't bear to be smothered again. So I did the 'it's not you, it's me' speech, ran away, and ate half the state of Kentucky.

Anyway, dating/forming relationships is one of the things my counselor and I plan on working on. I just entered therapy with her. She's a psychologist, and I'm hoping things go better with her than the social workers in the past. They tend to focus on things that don't matter in the long run--and just let me ramble without suggestions or actual therapy. I'm hoping this new therapist is different. I have appointments to see her in May, Wish me luck on that! In the meantime, I need to work on my body image and self-esteem on my own.

Okay, I have an endocrinologist appointment early tomorrow, I'd better day good night, now.

PS I got my first of a series of allergy shots today. With the exception of itching all over, and I guess part of that could have been psychosomatic, I did fine. The plan is to go on Tuesdays and Friday and then I can stay the 30 minutes I"m required to and then go home or wherever.