This hits home

My mom constantly dieted. She was on Atkins back in the 70s at one point and was so skinny she looked anorexic. I remember desserts of sugar-free jello powder whipped into sugar-free Cool Whip. She was worried about my weight and put me on Tab and Fresca (sugar-free sodas) at age 8. I grew up with an unhealthy relationship with food. I can still remember stealing leftovers and hiding my eating, and I thought I was the fattest thing ever. I binged on apples and bread as a teen. I really just needed a growth spurt here and there and looking at old pictures, it's obvious that while bigger than some, I was not really fat, and I was pretty active. I biked across the desert for two miles, for example, just to go swimming in the base pool. I walked or biked everywhere, after all. But I grew up fatphobic and still struggle with that, even though I am fat now, and I have to catch myself judging others and especially myself. We never really came to terms with our shared experience with food, though, and with her death, never will.

My mother judged my body as a girl. Years later, we finally understand each other

A good memoir regarding generational dieting and negative weight stereotypes and the harm it does, check out The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl by Shauna Reid.

Interesting

What does the 'ideal' woman look like across the globe?

Superdrug's Online Doctor service sought to explore these questions by asking 18 female graphic designers to Photoshop a female form based on what is deemed beautiful in their own country.

I think it's interesting on many levels. The graphic designers were female, for one. Check out the differences. China and Italy were both thin, almost doll-like. The US still prefers an hourglass figure, apparently.

Did you see this?

Why Did Elle Magazine Pull An Ad Featuring A Skinny Model?

The pose was more than a little disconcerting, with rib cage obvious and legs about the same width as the young girl's ankles. The picture wasn't of a death camp survivor, but an ad for Yves Saint Laurent, one of fashion's premier houses. When The Advertising Standards Authority, a U.K. watchdog for the advertising world, banned the ad from publication, the fashion world was stunned. But they instead should have been stunned that the fashion world has not recognized the worsening trend for unhealthily skinny models. Isn't it time for the United States to follow Europe's lead in striking down the use of these scarecrow models?

Something to remember when I'm scared to go into the pool for fear of being the 'pink blobbie'

Image credit: scarymommy.com

I actually went to the pool today and exercised

for about 45 minutes. I was afraid to stay out much longer because I am pretty pale, it was sunny, my sunscreen is from last year, and I couldn't get my back well. But I didn't have any good excuses not to go get in the water and exercise, so I did. My knees and other joints felt so good while I was in. Mind you, the water was a bit cool--no one else would go in, because they'd try a little at a time and didn't like the temperature. I went in pretty much all at once, got my head wet, and then I felt fine.

I did this despite the fact that two years ago when I went looking for a bathing suit, the only one I could find to fit me was very, very bright, shall we say even neon, pink. So I always feel like a giant pink blobbie in the pool. But today I decided to not focus on that at all, and just go have fun. Anyway, I'm glad I did.

After that, I came in and got a shower. I'd gotten a late start to my morning; I'd slept till 10:30 am, which is almost unheard of these days, but what can I say, it's been a difficult week. I went into the pool about 11:30. After my shower, I found I had a voice message; a friend was out of medicine and the pharmacy was going to close in less than half an hour. I dressed quickly, called the pharmacy to let them know I was coming, and then booked it all the way across town, hitting just three red lights, and arriving with two minutes to spare. Then I stopped by Kroger for drinks and something to eat, and when I got back to the car and sat down, the inside seam of my capris tore all to hell, about five inches down, even though the capris are not tight, but comfortable. I went on to my friends' house, delivered the medicine, and visited for awhile, watching videos on YouTube. Then we went for the grocery run, stopping by my house first so I wouldn't be out in public with torn pants. When we got back and had put away the groceries, YKWIA and I watched Joyful Noise with Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton, which was fun. Now I'm home, and I need to work on the game notes. (Yes, I left them till the last minute again.) But all in all, it's been a good day, and fairly productive.

I read this today, and it really resonated with me

BODY IMAGE AND DATING

Except that I take it an extra step--I am so terrified by dating that I have been known to put 70 lbs of weight on when someone asked me out. For me, fat isn't just something that makes dating difficult, it's something I've chosen to gain, albeit unconsciously, in some vain attempt to keep people at arm's length. Of course, there are people who are attracted to fat girls. I have some internalised fat phobia, so I guess I didn't think that one through. But the thing is, I recognise what I've done now. I am just at a loss as to where to go from there. I would like to have a relationship at some point, but my last and only relationship had me in a triunity with two gay men, with my self-esteem in the basement, and very near a nervous breakdown. That ended 23 years ago. I've dated about three times since then, briefly. One I did pretty well with because I was the one in control, but it never panned out and was pretty much limited to a physical relationship, with a woman. One single date was a guy who was so hung up on the girl who'd dumped him that he went home afterwards and cried on a friend's couch because he could never replace her. The other was a co-worker that I really hit it off with, and then I found out he was 17 years my junior (with grey hair). I was prepared to ignore that when he regaled me with the time he got angry when his folks got rid of some of his stuff and he rammed his car into a car his dad had been driving, and threw a crowbar at the garage door, damaging it. No siree. I have a very firm rule to not date people with anger issues. So so much for that. The time I gained 70 lbs was when a woman had been taking me out and I didn't realise she was actually interested in dating until she came out and asked, and she was the smothering type and I'd had that before, and couldn't bear to be smothered again. So I did the 'it's not you, it's me' speech, ran away, and ate half the state of Kentucky.

Anyway, dating/forming relationships is one of the things my counselor and I plan on working on. I just entered therapy with her. She's a psychologist, and I'm hoping things go better with her than the social workers in the past. They tend to focus on things that don't matter in the long run--and just let me ramble without suggestions or actual therapy. I'm hoping this new therapist is different. I have appointments to see her in May, Wish me luck on that! In the meantime, I need to work on my body image and self-esteem on my own.

Okay, I have an endocrinologist appointment early tomorrow, I'd better day good night, now.

PS I got my first of a series of allergy shots today. With the exception of itching all over, and I guess part of that could have been psychosomatic, I did fine. The plan is to go on Tuesdays and Friday and then I can stay the 30 minutes I"m required to and then go home or wherever.

Not your average catwalk

Okay, I didn't like the clothes at all and the women have horrendous faces at times, but this is great in that 1) it uses women who aren't pale imitations of plastic manikins, women who have curves yet who move and are active, and 2) definitely this is different from the normal walk and pivot. Thanks to Vanessa Irvin Morris for sharing. What do you all think?



Oh, and as to the faces, as one commenter, penelopeat8pm, said, 'I'm pretty sure that if for the last 60+ years they've been telling you you're not thin enough, white enough or beautiful enough to partake of fashion, you'd have the same face. :)'