Absolute agreement

Why Perpetuation Of The Human Race Depends On Men, AKA Buy My Lemon Chicken: Guest Post by Ashley Ambirge

Josh Hanagarne over at the World's Strongest Librarian blog has some great guest bloggers. This post is written by Ashley Ambirge of the Middle Finger Project. And it is, in point of fact, a jewel.

I consider myself a feminist. I also have a traditionalist streak. Ms Ambirge has neatly explained why someone who feels liberated might still want a man to pay the cheque. Why we thrill if a man opens a door for us. Why interesting conversation is fine, but at the end of the day, it's sex that drives us.

Now I admire that, despite the fact that in fact I am a bit of a prude and am secretly afraid of sex. Let's say I have issues with sex stemming from formative years and I'm still working on overcoming them. Not that I've had much opportunity, as I've been on exactly two dates since 1994 and have not had sex after either one (neither picked up the cheque; both were more insane than I, and that's just a barometer mark you don't cross--when the guy is crazier than you, don't have sex with him. One went to the friend who fixed us up's sofa and cried like a baby over the woman he was obsessed with who didn't want him and the other told me of driving his car maniacally into one his father drove because his parents threw away the stuff he'd left behind months if not years before. What can I say--not good mating material.) What can I say? When I was 18 and first dating, I had no standards, and I deserved what I got. I learned my lesson, and now I have standards. I don't think they're too high:

ABSOLUTE DEAL BREAKERS WHEN DATING A MAN:

1) The guy must be heterosexual. Not gay, not bisexual, not 'oh I'm straight but I sleep with men', not 'oh I'm straight but I troll for sex in men's restrooms', but rather 100% into women. Period. (What can I say, it's a sticking point for good reason.)

2) The guy must not be a momma's boy. Been there, done that, have the scars to prove it.

3) The guy must have an engaging personality.

4) The guy must be reasonably sane and not have anger management issues or abusive tendencies. He must not be controlling or emotionally or physically abusive. He should be able to argue without going to that level, and be able to make up quite nicely.

5) The guy should not do any drugs. Period. He should not drink excessively either. Social alcohol use is fine; downing a six-pack of beers a night just to relax is not.

6) If we're dating, we date exclusively. No adultery, no sex outside the relationship, no cybersex. I also will not be the other woman, so married men and those in relationships already need not apply.

7) The guy must be willing to practice birth control. I'll do my part, but I expect a condom (not latex, I'm allergic, so you may have to search a little--I'll even provide them if you want) unless we're married and even then I don't plan on having little ones. You better be okay with that, because at my age, it just ain't happening, barring some sort of divine intervention where three types of birth control fail at once.

8) Life shouldn't be all about him. We all have self-interests and can be selfish at times, but I'm mainly talking about narcissist, assinine guys who can't draw themselves away from the mirror long enough to do anything productive with you.

IMPORTANT:

1) The guy must have enough intelligence to carry on a conversation with where both of us are enjoying it. He doesn't have to be a rocket scientist. This rule can be suspended as long as sex is the goal and not marriage, as long as he is trainable, hot, and sexy.

2) The guy shouldn't smoke or dip tobacco. It's gross--especially the dipping part. I am almost willing to take a smoker who smokes very little (doesn't smell like stale cigarettes) who is quitting and willing to brush his teeth before kissing, but that's a stretch. What can I say, dip is just disgusting.

3) The guy should be reasonably good with money. Lord knows I need help. But no gambling problems, etc.

4) The guy should be capable of love. (If only sex is required, this is not absolute. If something more might develop, then it pretty much is.)

5) The guy should have a somewhat romantic streak (remember my birthday and Valentine's day and at least get a card and maybe a single rose). I promise to do likewise.

Notice physical appearance doesn't really enter into the scheme, although of course that is part of the chemistry that's important before dating or having sex with someone. Nor am I hung up on, 'I have to be in love and ready to commit myself on the first date'. I may be a prude, but sex is raw, emotional, and is really just a 'pleasant physical activity' as one of my friends once said. We can just get down and dirty and not plan a life together, although I can't see doing it the first date (unless we've known each other a fairly long while). It doesn't mean I'm yours forever, and depending on what happens it may work or not.

I have slightly different rules for women, but generally they remain similar. Okay, I guess everything's important except for the 'momma's boy' part (daddy's girls aren't quite the same) and with a woman I wouldn't necessarily hold bisexuality against her, although I'd still expect to date exclusively. Women's sexuality is sometimes a little complicated compared to men's.

Anyway, there's my rules on dating/sex. If you are willing to abide by them, please do apply. Once I get past the initial uncertainty I actually enjoy sex and dating. It's the geeky lack of social skills and fear of being hurt that cause the problem.