Beautiful but sad

Not the most cheerful of poems, but I accidentally came across this today and it really spoke to me. I'll have to read more by the author.

'The world is a beautiful place' from A Coney Island of the Mind, copyright © 1955 by Lawrence Ferlinghetti.

 The world is a beautiful place 
                                                           to be born into 
if you don’t mind happiness 
                                             not always being 
                                                                        so very much fun 
       if you don’t mind a touch of hell
                                                       now and then
                just when everything is fine
                                                             because even in heaven
                                they don’t sing 
                                                        all the time

             The world is a beautiful place
                                                           to be born into
       if you don’t mind some people dying
                                                                  all the time
                        or maybe only starving
                                                           some of the time
                 which isn’t half so bad
                                                      if it isn’t you

      Oh the world is a beautiful place
                                                          to be born into
               if you don’t much mind
                                                   a few dead minds
                    in the higher places
                                                    or a bomb or two
                            now and then
                                                  in your upturned faces
         or such other improprieties
                                                    as our Name Brand society
                                  is prey to
                                              with its men of distinction
             and its men of extinction
                                                   and its priests
                         and other patrolmen
                                                         and its various segregations
         and congressional investigations
                                                             and other constipations
                        that our fool flesh
                                                     is heir to

Yes the world is the best place of all
                                                           for a lot of such things as
         making the fun scene
                                                and making the love scene
and making the sad scene
                                         and singing low songs of having 
                                                                                      inspirations
and walking around 
                                looking at everything
                                                                  and smelling flowers
and goosing statues
                              and even thinking 
                                                         and kissing people and
     making babies and wearing pants
                                                         and waving hats and
                                     dancing
                                                and going swimming in rivers
                              on picnics
                                       in the middle of the summer
and just generally
                            ‘living it up’

Yes
   but then right in the middle of it
                                                    comes the smiling
                                                                                 mortician

I stayed home today to get some rest

I just woke up after sleeping three-and-a-half-hours. I needed it. I'd hoped to follow up with my primary care provider, but he didn't have anything till Thursday afternoon.

Long day in the emergency room

So I had to go to the University of Kentucky emergency department today.

I felt fine this morning, drove to work with no problem, blood sugar was normal, everything was fine. I got to the stadium lot and felt fuzzy in my head, and when I tried walking I was uncoordinated and listed to the side. I was carrying a small orchid and nearly dropped it repeatedly, even jerking at one point without meaning too, like those jerks you have when you're falling asleep, but I wasn't.

It continued when I went into work, and I nearly fell over, even with the cane, several times. Once I got to work I dropped an open drink twice on my keyboard (good I have an overlay), I was still fuzzy, and really slow in making the computer work. I went down to the employee health nurse. My blood pressure has been all over the place today, first high with her, then at one point really low. She got me in a wheelchair and she and my supervisor took me over to UK's ED, because some of my symptoms matched a TIA like I had in July.

So after the CT and EKG and other tests, there was no sign of a TIA (although they don't necessarily do that, being transient, after all). I spent a lot of time sitting and lying in bed and the fuzziness finally cleared for the most part. I'm dehydrated, but I wasn't enough to get fluids. I have orthostatic hypotension, but I'd figured that out some time ago (I am a medical librarian, after all, and I once knew someone who had it and they were the same symptoms, such as getting dizzy when standing up). But this wasn't really that...I was a little dizzy in the beginning but it was more unsteady, groggy, disoriented, that sort of thing.

Last night between 9 and 10 PM I'd taken a small dose, smaller than usual, of a muscle relaxant, tinzanidine. I've used it occasionally for years for neck and back spasms. I usually take 14 mg, again, PRN, just as needed, but I just took 8, thank goodness. It was over 12 hours by the time I went to the ED since I'd taken the medicine, which usually is short-lived.

I was still having unsteadiness almost 24 hours afterwards. My brain's just not in the same fuzzy mode it was before. Now (11:30 PM) I feel tired and overly-wrung out.

The doctor thinks I may have a hypersensitivity or allergy to tizanidine and I shouldn't take it, but she never said it definitely caused the symptoms today. I also found in my own research that despite having a relatively short half-life, it is heavily metabolised by the liver, and since I have fatty liver disease, I wonder if that affected things.

The nurse brought me home (thank you Kathryn) just before 5 PM, and I went straight to bed for a rest. She's going to come get me in the morning as my car is at the stadium.

So it was a big maybe on what all happened, but I'm just hoping I'm back to my normal self tomorrow.

UPDATE: Thinking back through things, I find it interesting that I didn't have symptoms for about two hours when I woke up, before I to to work. If it were some strange carryover from the tizanidine, you would expect me to be impaired from the moment I woke up. The only reason I even thought of the tizanidine was before I also had some, and the last time I had some, the night before my TIA in July, (and none of them thought it should be it either time, as it does clear fairly quickly out of the body, but it seemed oddly beyond coincidental not to mention). All the symptoms I had today were symptoms I had that morning in July as well.

It also reminded me of a time I went to another hospital for weakness on one side, headache, and chest pains. They decided it was a hemiplegic migraine with a panic attack because nothing showed up on the scans. But I'm beginning to wonder if that was also a transient ischemic issue as well. The chest pains may have been a panic attack, I do get them. I rarely get migraines, but I have not had a hemiplegic migraine, either before or since.

I think I'm going to talk to my PCP. In addition to being an expert with decades of experience in internal medicine, he has worked in both neurology and emergency medicine. He's also Canadian, and so maybe the training he received might give him another perspective.

Twenty-four

Citation: 24. Get That Job: Interviews--How to Keep Your Head and Get Your Ideal Job. London: Bloomsbury Business, 97 pp. 2022. ISBN: 978-1-4729-9329-8.

This was an easy one (number twenty-three)

23. To-Do List Formula: A Stress-Free Guide to Creating To-Do Lists That Work by Damon Zahariades. 2016. ASIN: B01JJ5CURW.

Twenty-one and twenty-two

Citations: 

21. Nubs: The True Story of a Mutt, a Marine, & a Miracle by Major Brian Dennis, Mary Netherly, and Kirby Larson. Little, Brown Books for Young Readers, 2009, 70 pp. ISBN:  978-0316053181.

22. Watercolour Lessons: How to Paint and Unwind with Tutorials by Emma Lefebvre. Coral Gables, FL: Pear Tree Press, 2022, 256 pp. ISBN: 978-1684810079.

My goal for this year is 36 books. I got behind over the summer, so I'm only at 61%. I need to step up my game. I've got one I'm about a third of the way through but I don't know if I'll finish it; it's rather slowly-paced, plus three I'd like to go ahead and read or re-read that are fiction, and one non-fiction guide.

So, here those are:

1. What the River Knows by Isabel Ibañez (this is the slow one)

2. Flying Too High by Kerry Greenwood

3. Re-reading Storm Front by Jim Butcher

4. Re-reading The Atrocity Archives by Charles Stross

and also a non-fiction one:

5. Knee Replacement Surgery: A Patient's Guide Before, During, & After by  Chris Easton

By 1 PM

1. Studied Duolingo
2. Went through bed cubbies
3. Went through library books
4. Charged earbuds
5. Charged continuous glucose monitor receiver
6. Charged razor
7. Set up SAD light for seasonal depression
8. Got rid of honey, oil, and moss*
9. Cleaned out the bags from the utility room
10. Consolidated bills/opened all the envelopes
11. Took midday insulin
12. Ate lunch

By 3 PM:

1. Took the books to the library
2. Got more soda
3. Took reusable bags to the car
4. Took my religious items to the car to go to storage
5. Threw away items on the refrigerator, got rid of the soda bottles, threw away moss*

Still need to:

1. Fold laundry and put it away
2. Help my friend write out his bills
3. Take a shower tonight
4. Eat dinner
5. Take evening meds
6. Change my CPAP mask, etc. 

*It's orchid potting moss. I have two packages. One was still unopened. The other, when I re-potted fifteen orchids years ago because the kitten was digging out and playing with the fir bark, had engendered fungous gnats and I just wanted to make sure it was gone so I wouldn't confuse the two. There may be eggs, and I took awhile to get rid of it, but it's gone now.

That is a lot in eight hours, and I've only paused to eat and take my meds. I haven't doomscrolled. Just the blog posts. So...I'm going to nap now.  In fact, I'll put that on my list.

1. Take nap.

By 11 AM I had:

1. Run the dishwasher
2. Washed one big load of laundry and put it in the dryer
3. Listened to music
4. Eaten breakfast
5. Organised my crafting supplies (mainly beads and watercolour materials)
6. Organised my home gym items (handheld weights, ankle weights, balls, bands--small stuff I use for PT and exercise sometimes)
7. Charged my earbuds
8. Charged my glucose monitor receiver
9. Tweaked the pumpkin diorama
10. Blogged
11. Go through a shelf next to the power station I charged the other day
12. Cleaned out the drawers of both nightstands
13. Let the dogs out and fed the animals
14. Organised the herb cabinet I keep dishes and my own non-refrigerated foods in
15. Taken all of my morning medications

Still on my list:

1. Organise the bed cubbies (there are two in the footboard)(
2. Study Duolingo
3. Go through the library books
4. Start re-reading Jim Butcher's Storm Front
5. Help my friend write out his bills
6. Take a shower (tonight)

Whew! I am really thinking of lying down for a bit. :)

Feeling better after 10 days of Covid leave

Tomorrow I get to go back to work. I'm feeling much better. I was lucky to 1) have something more like bad flu than full-blown, concerning illness and 2) no one else I knew got it from me [I'd played the game with friends the day I started getting feeling bad, sharing snacks, etc., so it was a concern, and also, of course, I live with someone. Four years of pandemic and I never had it, and then bam. I did get vaccinated (my 7th shot overall), but unfortunately, I got sick before the full protection came through (it takes a bit). It may have mitigated it somewhat, though. And my roommate had his back in early September, so that helped. At this point, I just have the same runny nose I've had with allergies over the last five months.

Two observances...except when I was the sickest (including the night I slept 14 hours), I woke up by 6:30-7:00 AM every morning (when I should be for work). This was at first frustrating, because hey, I'm off, I'm sick, I'm supposed to sleep in. But it's because I've been going to bed at 10-11 PM and not my normal midnight AM. So there's a change to try to implement. The other is my room is the absolute cleanest it has been in years. I was bored and I cleaned. I am only neat at work. My desk has to be in order. I feel better when my living space is, but I struggle because I was messy even as a kid, and it was the main battle I had with my parents in an otherwise 'good girl' childhood. Behold! [I do need to take the little air conditioner to storage (and get my cold-weather clothes), but that's for this weekend. And of course, the pumpkin diorama is sitting on the cedar chest for the next 24 hours. I'll take it in tomorrow. I really should find a different spot for my medicine cart (it also has lotions, toiletries, etc.) because it's right in the window and that's not good for medications (although they are in sunlight-blocking bottles, the bamboo has to go somewhere in the light. And of course, it's all about the plants, right? Maybe I need one of those little tower tables. :)

Thought it might be good to do one or two of these since it's been awhile

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II, V.

For not observing the state of another man's soul, scarce was ever any man known to be unhappy. Tell whosoever they be that intend not, and guide not by reason and discretion the motions of their own souls, they must of necessity be unhappy.

This one, I think, calls for the individual to focus on their own soul, conscience, thoughts, life, rather than observing (and judging) that of others, because of course, we can't really know another person's throughts and feelings.  It would be better to master one's own self than try to master that of others, or try to assign motivations to others when we don't have all the data.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II, VI.

These things thou must always have in mind: What is the nature of the universe, and what is mine—in particular: This unto that what relation it hath: what kind of part, of what kind of universe it is: And that there is nobody that can hinder thee, but that thou mayest always both do and speak those things which are agreeable to that nature, whereof thou art a part.

The connexion between us as humans and the greater natural world is not adversarial or separate.  We are a part of the universe around us, and as such we should try to learn as much about it all as possible, while recognising that our interactions with it are in our control, and only those.  We cannot control the rest of creation, but rather our own actions within it.

So we're doing a pumpkin decorating contest at work

I decorated the pumpkin itself, but it was supposed to be part of a diorama. Because of getting sick, I thought I'd miss it, so I kept the pumpkin to put on my desk when I can go back to work but recycled the cardboard I was going to use and threw away the little bit I'd done, including arms for the pumpkin and a stand for it.

One of my co-workers on the committee told me to bring my pumpkin on Thursday when I go back as they'd saved me a spot. So, I pulled the cardboard out of the recycling bin (fortunately before the rain) and spent a dreary day assembling the Headquarters from Inside Out 2.

Here's the final product. I'm not an artist or anything, so it's certainly not perfect, but it basically meets the vision I had in mind and was fun to do.  I need to do something creative more often. Oh, and note there's an LED tealight under the 'idea' light bulb receptacle on the console. I thought that was a nice touch.

I also tried on my Halloween costume and it will go well. It's Sadness from Inside Out 2 as well. I have an oversized white turtleneck sweater (with lined side pockets!), I'll wear it with jeggings and my dress shoes (hers are ballerina pumps, mine are Mary Janes, but oh, well). I have blue tights and gloves, a blue Sadness wig, and blue makeup (I haven't tried that yet). I got some setting spray to keep the blue on, let's hope that works, as the sweater is rather nice and I don't want it stained. I'll be sure to take pictures of the whole thing.

So beautiful and poignant

I came across this poem while listening to a Yom Kippur service coming from the computer in the living room as it was being live-streamed (the house is rather small, so it's easy to hear, even in my room, which is why I usually listen to my headphones if my friend is on Zoom with friends or classes). It was read before the names of those who had passed over the last year. It's lovely. It is by Rabbi Sylvan Kamen and Rabbi Jack Reimer:

We Remember Them

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
We remember them.
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We remember them.
In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring,
We remember them.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of summer,
We remember them.
In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn,
We remember them.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make,
We remember them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs,
We remember them.
So long as we live, they too shall live,
For they are now a part of us,

As we remember them.

Also, can I just take a moment to mention that the 23rd Psalm is absolutely wonderful when sung in the original Hebrew? English does not serve it justice.

I went from being busy and not putting my health above things like work

 to sick. Yes, I've been off work from having COVID-19, and I still test positive, so no work for me until next Thursday. If I'd have tested negative today I could have gone back on Monday (with a mask). So I'm a little tired tonight still (I slept 14 hours the night before last), have a scratching, sore throat, have been coughing and blowing my nose a lot) and have been really achy. Before the rest of the symptoms, I was run down and having trouble staying awake through dinner. It's better, but I'm still symptomatic. I think maybe I need to step away from work for just a bit--it's been super busy and I have definitely felt tired. It's annoying though--four years of doing so much to not get it and succeeding through a pandemic.  On the other hand, it's now endemic, so I guess it was bound to happen eventually.  

Anyway, I've been sick and not doing anything big, just little things around the house. Tomorrow I'm going to try to do more here rather than just posting on Facebook. Really. I shared some stuff there mainly so I could go back and do it here. Unfortunately, because of being ill, I totally forgot the geomagnetic storm-producing auras in Kentucky last night, so I didn't get to see them or take a picture to post. It's one of two things on my bucket list and I missed my chance in May, too. :( Hopefully, the sun will do some more ejecting masses from sunspots to light up the sky again (without taking out anything vital).

In the meantime, tonight is Yom Kippur, so I'm staying in my room out of the way of my friend, who is watching his synagogue's livestream of the Kol Nidre service. I've actually been on my own today, just me and the animals (mostly the dogs), and it was rather nice. When you live with someone, it's hard to really be alone, especially if they turn the TV up to 90 because they don't hear well. I can hear everything out there in my room. But I think I'm going to put on my earbuds and listen to some music and just relax.

Plans today

1. Wake up at 8:30 AM
2. Fill up toilet paper
3. Run dishwasher
4. Make coffee
5. Call UK Chandler pharmacy to refill meds
6. Eat breakfast
7. Listen to music
8. Take oral meds
9. Take insulin
10. Take weekly injectable
11. Check e-mail
12. Caffeinate/check Facebook
13. Wake roommate up at 10 AM [he didn't actually get up till after noon
14. Pick up meds from Corner pharmacy before noon, including folic acid
15. Pay bill at credit union by 1 PM
16. Withdraw rent money and deposit it into account by 1 PM
17. Withdraw rest of food money
18. Give blood at 12:10 PM
19. Order materials for pumpkin-decorating contest for work
20. Pick up meds from Chandler pharmacy
21. Repot bamboo
22. Make bed
23. Fold and put laundry away
24. Straighten room
25. Transcribe notes from last game
26. Watch ‘Agatha All Along’ 

Well, that's all but two. Not bad at all. 🙂

So disturbing

This breaks my heart. And they're right. We should be doing more.

Taliban begins enforcing new draconian laws, and Afghan women despair: Afghan religious police wield new power to enforce a ban on women raising their voices in public and looking at men other than their husbands or relatives

Some Afghan women blame the outside world for their vanishing freedoms. “The silence of the world over the last three years will go down as a dark chapter in history,” said Meena, echoing a widespread sentiment in the country that global attention has moved on from Afghanistan.

Many of the women she speaks to say they have unsuccessfully applied for scholarships abroad, she said, and are running out of options.

“The Taliban will keep using religion as a weapon against women,” she said. “To them, seeing the hair of a girl is a sin, but starving your country is not.”

Congratulating myself

Because of my anxiety and also having bipolar II (mainly depression,  but also sometimes hypomania, I use an app called Daylio on my phone to track my moods every day. I have kept that mood diary for exactly eight years today. 

Awww

Lexington teen with rare aging disease dies

I remember when he was featured on the local news years ago. My heart goes out to his family.

Bring them home

'We could have saved all of them': Israelis go on strike as hostage deaths trigger demand for Gaza deal

Protests and general strikes swept Israel on Monday as frustration and anger mounted over the failure of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's government to secure a cease-fire deal with Hamas that would free Israeli hostages held by the militant group in Gaza for nearly 11 months.

The action comes after Israel's military recovered the bodies of six hostages, including Israeli-American Hersh Goldberg-Polin, from a tunnel in the southern Gaza city of Rafah, near the border with Egypt.

Goldberg-Polin's funeral was held Monday in Jerusalem. He was 23.

Protesters want Netanyahu do more to bring home the remaining 101 hostages, a third of whom Israeli officials estimate have died in captivity. They say Netanyahu is delaying doing a deal for his own political purposes. His ruling coalition government is propped up by far-right allies bitterly opposed to any kind of agreement with Hamas.

Netanyahu blames Hamas for the lack of progress.

Still, a cousin of Carmel Gat, one of the hostages whose body was recovered by Israel's Defense Forces on Sunday, told a press conference on Monday that "delays" by Netanyahu were the main obstacles to an agreement.

"All six of them were held together and all six of them were killed in captivity," Gal Dickmann said.

"We could have saved all of them."

Good

The country’s largest publishers sue Florida over school book bans: Works by hundreds of authors, from Maya Angelou to Judy Blume, have been challenged and removed from school libraries. Now a group is suing to bring them back.

The suit alleges that House Bill 1069 does not consider the book as a whole before removing it for having “sexual content” and that it does not specify what level of detail mandates that a book be removed for describing sexual content. Another concern, the suit alleges, is that the law’s use of the term “pornographic” is vague and often books that are described as such “are not remotely obscene,” including Toni Morrison’s “The Bluest Eye.”

The suit said the law allows for the removal of books before consulting “trained professionals, such as teachers or media specialists.” It adds that some teachers have shut down their classroom libraries out of fear of objections, controversies or the risk of losing their teaching licenses.

There will be many repercussions

How did the pandemic affect babies starting school as children now?

In Bethnal Green, London, twins Aqil and Fawaz were just eight weeks old when the pandemic hit.

Their mother, Fahmeda Ahmed, lived in a second-floor flat with her husband and their two older children - Hasan, four, and two-year-old Khaijah. "It was just the same day over and over again," she said. "We couldn't go out, we couldn’t socialise, we couldn’t invite friends over and we couldn't go anywhere with the kids.

"“I was so scared going into the hospital because you would hear stories that you would catch [Covid]," Fahmeda said.

... 

She attempted to homeschool her four-year-old, who had just started reception, but he completely stopped talking. And then there was baby Aqil. He was having difficulty swallowing and Fahmeda tried for months to get a face-to-face appointment with a doctor. Eventually, at three months, he was diagnosed with tracheomalacia, a condition where the walls of a child’s windpipe collapse. He needed a minor operation.

"And I remember when Aqil was going into theatre, I was so upset. There was a nurse there and she said ‘I'm so sorry. I can't hug you’."

Four years on, Aqil and Fawaz are healthy young boys, about to start reception at Elizabeth Selby Infants' School in Bethnal Green. But they both have speech and language needs. Their two-year child development check was delayed, they weren't able to attend any baby classes and their first year involved very little interaction with the outside world. Fahmeda believes all these factors have had a lasting effect, and experts agree.

Oh, thank the Gods

I woke up to a sunny, breezy 68° F. It's lovely. I have one fan on low. Last night both of the ones in the living room were on high. It's 75° here in the house, and the high is going to be about 81°. It's so much better than the 101° heat index the other day. I love this.

Today

I have: 

1. Washed the percolator and hand-washed dishes.
2. Emptied,  loaded,  and run the dishwasher. 
3. Made coffee for my roommate. 
4. Woken him up.
5. Stripped the bed and laundered the bedclothes in the washer. (They're in the dryer right now).
6. Sorted and folded laundry from yesterday. 
7. Woken my roommate. 
8. Let out the dogs several times. 
9. Listened to music.
10. Tightened a loose leg on the living room farm table. The dogs keep knocking into it as they play.
11. Mended two blouses. Why does my sewing kit,  which has 22 spools of thread,  not include navy? I even have chartreuse.  I have never worn chartreuse in my life. But at least those three years of home oeconomics/Future Homemakers of America membership paid off.
12. Taken my oral meds and insulin.
13. Taken items to the car.
14. Took books back to and picked up a hold from the library.
15. Gotten a new library card (my key one wouldn't scan anymore).
16. Taken items to my storage unit.
17. Retrieved the old game notebooks so I can look for something.
18. Went to the store for tea and soda.
19. Finally caffeinated/browsed the web.

Not bad so far.  Things also on my list today:

1. Water plants.
2. Clean bathroom.
3. Print something from the desktop.
4. Read.
5. Straighten up room.
6. Break down cardboard boxes and take them out to the recycling bin (also known as a Rosie here in Lexington).
7. Find the missing game-related information.
8. Zoom with my roommate to test something.
9. Dust some bookshelves.
10. Watch 'Midsomer Murders' during dinner.
11. Feed the dogs and cat in the evening.

Thursday [I was off] I:

1. Made coffee for my roommate.
2. Woke him up.
3. Let the dogs out several times. Fed the dogs and cat in the morning (I usually do evening).
4. Caffeinated and browsed the web.
5. Listened to music.
6. Took a friend out to the Indian restaurant (Masala) for his birthday.
7. Went to the store.
8. Watched 'Midsomer Murders' during dinner.
9. Cleaned the percolator and washed any plastics.
10. Took my meds (morning and night).

Friday [I was off] I:

1. Made coffee for my roommate.
2. Fed the dogs and cat [morning and evening] and let the dogs out several times.
3. Ran dishwasher.
4. Woke him up for class.
5. Caffeinated and browsed the web.
6. Listened to music.
7. Took a friend to get his hair cut.
8. Did a lot of laundry.
9. Picked up some meds.
10. Took expired meds to the pharmacy for disposal.
11. Cleaned the percolator and washed any plastics.
12. Took my meds (morning and night).

Saturday I:

1. Slept in.
2. Made coffee for my roommate.
3. Fed the dogs and cat [both morning and evening] and let the dogs out several times.
4. Ran the dishwasher.
5. Caffeinated and browsed the web.
6. Did a lot of laundry.
7. Make a bank deposit.
8. Trimmed my nails because I couldn't type anymore comfortably.
9. Took a shower.
10. Made banana nut bread.
11. Watched 'Midsomer Murders' during dinner.
12. Took my meds (morning and night).

Things for tomorrow (Labour Day]:

1. Make coffee for my roommate.
2. Run the dishwasher.
3. Caffeinate and browse the web.
4. Listen to music.
5. Pull out things in the utility room.
6. Get the vacuum out of the shed.
7. Move the dryer (with help).
8. Clean out the lint hose and exhaust. It never has been in all the time he's had the house, since about 2005, and the other day we were talking about appliance fires and thought perhaps it would be good. It's also why we're running the dishwasher in the morning rather than while we sleep.
9. Read.
10. Take a shower.
11. Watch 'Midsomer Murders' during dinner.
12. Feed the dogs and cat in the evening.
13. Let the dogs out often.
14. Launder the rest of my bedding.
15. Watch 'Meet the Robinsons' (maybe).

Not bad for my little vacation. Mind you, our air conditioning is out (for the second time this summer--the first time a dog chewed the wires; I suspect there's something wrong with the thermostat this time] and it's been 85°-95°F inside. We've all been very hot during the heatwave, which has had heat indices in the hundred-and-something range outside. Fortunately, we do have fans. Hopefully, we'll be able to afford to have it looked at and fixed soon.

I tend to listen to one singer's or band's music over and over for awhile before moving on

These are the albums I've been listening to of late:

• Sia 'This is Acting'
• Cian Ducrot 'Victory'
• Rag'n'Bone Man 'Human'

I love lots of different music. I've enjoyed these. Music is very important to me. I don't play an instrument, I can sing but I'm not great, but I really appreciate music and love listening to a lot of it. It's the one thing I can easily enjoy doing when all other things are being difficult. Sometimes I can't read, or do hobbies, but I can listen. Lyrics are just as important to me as the music itself. Music enriches life, and I'm very happy I can listen to it.

Found on Facebook

When I read John Hersey's 'Hiroshima' in college, this is what horrified me more than any other immediate consequence of the bomb.

Oooooh!!!

Have you seen the Samsung advertisement where they are in a foreign restaurant and use their phone to translate on the Samsung Flip6 [or the bigger one, the Fold6] by doing one side with English (the one facing you, the front screen) and another showing the translation into the other language on the cover screen (the one on the outside of the phone)? In the Flip6 the cover screen is fairly large, taking up the whole upper side of the folded phone. I don't have one, though I would like one, but I just paid off my Flip4 and can't justify the expense.

I did just see an article, though, that showed the Google Translate app (not the Samsung version on the Flip6) that allows me to do the same thing on my Flip4. Woo-hoo! The only problem is that my screen is about 1"x3", so it's much smaller. But it still works. Hee hee hee. This might work when I have a family member at work who is speaking a longer Spanish conversation than I can follow and respond to given my intermediate Spanish.

Google Translate Quieyly Added a Dual-Screen Conversation Mode for Foldables using Android 14.

I just spent

A good bit of time redesigning this blog. I took an existing theme (credit at the bottom of the page) and changed the colours and fonts. They are some of my least favourite colours (you'd think I'd have kept the purple), but they work well with the book background and a good librarian blog should have books. :)

Let me know what you think.

Exciting

New Imaging Technique Identifies Autism Markers with 95% Accuracy

Summary: Researchers have developed a system that detects genetic markers of autism in brain images with 89-95% accuracy, potentially enabling earlier diagnosis and treatment.

This method, which identifies brain structure patterns linked to autism-related genetic variations, offers a personalized approach to autism care. The technique, called transport-based morphometry, could transform the understanding and treatment of autism by focusing on genetic markers rather than behavioral cues.

Key Facts:

• The system uses brain imaging to spot autism-related genetic variations.

• Accuracy of the method ranges from 89-95%, promising earlier diagnosis.

• This approach could shift autism diagnosis from behavior-based to genetics-based.

Twenty

Citation: Thomas, Dylan. Collected Poems: the Original Edition. New York: New Directions Books, 2010 [original publication date 1938], 210 pp. ISBN: 978-0811202053

I have adored Dylan Thomas since I first read 'Fern Hill'. This is a wonderful edition.

Nineteen

Citation: Kerry Greenwood. Cocaine Blues. Scottsdale, AZ: Poisoned Pen Press, 1989. 198 pp. ISBN: 978-161593547

Be a dandelion puffball in a sea of monkeygrass

How could I have never seen this before????!!!!

This could have been written for me with my anxiety, and it's in a library.

I had a scare Tuesday before last

I woke up confused and unable to walk down the hallway without going into the walls. My speech was slurred. My roommate tried to get me to sit down on the bed and I went about three directions and I had no control over my body. He got me up on the bed and we called 911. I went to the emergency room in an ambulance, and the upshot was I may have had a TIA (transient ischemic attack) or at the very least stroke-like symptoms. Two CTs and an MRI ruled out a full-blown stroke, at least. People suffering from TIAs have a 1 in 3 chance of having a stroke within one year, so it's definitely a wakeup call. They put me on a low-dose enteric-coated aspirin and upped my Lipitor. Hopefully that will help prevent further issue. I was off for a couple of days from work. My neuroloist, when I saw him, was of the opinion that it was brought-on by stress and I should find another job. That's easier said than done.

Owww....

I'm trying not to whine. I woke up to so much pain today that I could barely move or think. I have fibromyalgia and major osteoarthritis. I got up to go to the bathroom, and my right knee was so painful that it made me yell and nearly went out from under me. Ibuprofen is relieving minutely. I only have one other dose of that. My friend has arthritis-strength acetaminophen. I have to be careful taking either, due to my liver issues and diabetes (the need to protect the kidneys). I need to see if I can get some dual-action pain reliever, that has a smaller amount of both. Does anyone have suggestions for other pain relievers? Naproxen does nothing for me. Diclofenac used to, but it got to the point where I couldn't be on it long-term and it wasn't doing as well. Anyway, I called into work, it was bad enough, and I've only ever called in once for fibromyalgia before, and I was diagnosed back when I was in college. I've taken my meds and tried to basically sleep and distract myself, on and off. Right now I have the dogs, though, because my roommate is having a new appliance delivered. They are going wild with other people and other smells in the house. They're just losing their minds, so no rest for Lisa at the moment. I can't get in the bed with the three 60-lb. dogs on a full-sized day bed, not with being so tender. My roommate touched me lightly on a point earlier and it hurt.

Sigh. I thought I'd done reasonably well all of these years with pain, but now I'm really having a lot more trouble. The water would help with the fibromyalgia, but I did cancel my YMCA membership, so after this month it's gone. though today may be a possibility. (I wasn't going enough, because of the issues I had with finding a good time to go to the pool, and couldn't really use the machines, so I wasn't getting much in the way of value.) Yoga was good for it, and of course I don't move well anymore, and I can't get on the floor anymore and back up, but I've got videos to watch for chair yoga. I think I'll try some of that But I've got to do something. But now I can let the dogs out, so I'm going to go find the manual online for the appliance and then lie down a bit.

My favourite song by Simon & Garfunkel, to be played at my memorial

--and the full thing, including both 'Scarborough Fair' and 'Canticle'.

Lyrics:

... Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme

Remember me to one who lives there

She once was a true love of mine

… Tell her to make me a cambric shirt
(On the side of a hill, in the deep forest green)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
(Tracing of sparrow on snow-crested ground)
Without no seams nor needle work
(Blankets and bedclothes the child of the mountain)
Then she'll be a true love of mine
(Sleeps unaware of the clarion call)

… Tell her to find me an acre of land
(On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves)
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
(Washes the grave with silvery tears)
Between the salt water and the sea strands
(A soldier cleans and polishes a gun)
Then she'll be a true love of mine

… Tell her to reap it with a sickle of leather
(War bellows blazing in scarlet battalions)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
(Generals order their soldiers to kill)
And gather it all in a bunch of heather
(And to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten)
Then she'll be a true love of mine

… Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Arthur Garfunkel / Dp / Frank Peterson / Paul Simon

Scarborough Fair / Canticle lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, TuneCore Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

Connexions

Yesterday before I left work I had a nice conversation (since all the patients had left and we might have been two of the few in the building on a Friday at almost 5 pm) with a nice young man who I would never see again because he was moving out of state. I'd seen him a only few times but had never gotten to exchange more than five words with him. In the 10 minutes we chatted, we talked about several things, including comics (I used to work at a comic book store back in the day), especially Marvel vs. Marvel movies (a sore point for both of us) and I told him my favourite comic book was Neil Gaiman's Sandman, despite recent accusations of sexual harassment towards the writer that have come out. He assured me that he himself had no toxic masculinity despite the testosterone he injects each day. The fact that he was comfortable and disclosed his trans status made me happy. That we could talk about it in an off-hand way meant things have progressed.

Don't get me wrong, I sometimes wonder if gender re-assignment is for everyone who seeks it, because trans and the many other forms of gender and sexual orientation are sort of trendy right now, and I say that as someone who is technically part of the community but tends to see herself as an ally because she hasn't dated since 1994 and it's not really all that important to her identity. But the fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter if I approve or not, that is a personal choice, and it was obviously part of his identity, I'm glad we had that talk because people need to be able to live their lives accepted for who they are.

We never know what aspirations, thoughts, dreams, or feelings people really have when we interact with them each day. We aren't all mind-readers or true empaths. But we can be empathetic to them when they tell us (or show us) how they feel about themselves, and what they strive for (so long as it's not something like serial killing or world genocide, but I try not to interact with the true monsters in the world, at least if I can recognise them).

I'm sure there are plenty of people who would have reacted badly and called him a monster, which simply is not true. I don't understand why people focus so much on hate when they can be kind. We all have dark parts in our personalities and our souls, [I certainly can be a complete and utter terrible person on bad days], but we should be kind to each other, listen to each other, and try to make things better for other people and the world in general, and for ten minutes out of my week I felt a connexion because someone felt comfortable enough to share a bit of their life with me.

The last time I felt that way was when a young man excitedly told me he had just found out was autistic. He was so happy about his diagnosis, and I understand now, though I didn't really then, though I was happy he was happy. I'm sure it made things make more sense, and that is a very special feeling.

Both of those situations were cases of people who shared something about themselves that sometimes receive quite a bit of stigma. And we need to be open to, even if it's only a momentary glimpse into another person's life, of how important that is, and we can bond over that sort of thing as easily as we bond over comic books.

Hope I can do this

Just 26 more pounds and I can have my knee surgery. If I can lose that in three months (by my next appointment) I might be able to do it at the end of the year. I'm at what I think is called Stage 4 (the worst) end-stage osteoarthritis of the knee, meaning it's bone-on-bone without much of any cartilage. The gel shots helped for a while but haven't held the last year or so and we've needed to do cortisone at the three-month mark to supplement it (insurance only pays for the gel every 6 months and 2 days). I have been in so much pain that even with ibuprofen, I've been at my desk with pain throbbing enough that I can't hardly think. If I could have the first surgery late in the year, I wouldn't pay anything out-of-pocket. So I have a lot of incentive to lose the weight soon and make it a 100-lb. loss. It's doable. Until the last couple of weeks I was losing about 2 lbs. a week, and it hasn't gone up or anything. But for the surgery, my BMI has to be under 40. If I lose 26 lbs. it'll be at 39.9. Wish me luck!

Images for dramatic effect. Hey, it's not a HIPAA violation if I share my own knee images. 🙂 Besides, many of you are either medical folks or have gone through similar stuff yourselves.

If you saw this episode of 'The Orville', you probably cried

and this song, a cover of Simon & Garfunkel's 'Flowers Never Bend with the Rainfall' (which I've loved since I was a little kid) by Gordon and Charly, is so poignant. I think 'The Orville' is what modern 'Star Trek' should be.

From my fellow Kentuckian, Wendell Berry

So beautiful: "Shemà" by Primo Levi

Came across this poem while going through a book I have out from the library [100 Poems to Break Your Heart by Edward Hirsch, ISBN: 978-0-544-93188]. The Shemà is a Jewish prayer recited first thing when getting out of bed in the morning after waking and before retiring to bed before sleep. He took the name of that prayer as the title for his poem. The word Shemà means 'Listen' or 'Hear'. Primo Levi, an Italian Jew, wrote this in 1946 after surviving the hardships of Auschwitz. In my Holocaust Studies class, we read his book, If Not Now, When? This is translated from the original Italian. Here it is in the original language, as taken from WeSchool:

Testo di Shemà
Voi che vivete sicuri
nelle vostre tiepide case,
voi che trovate tornando a sera
il cibo caldo e visi amici:
considerate se questo è un uomo
che lavora nel fango
che non conosce pace
che lotta per mezzo pane
che muore per un sì o per un no.
Considerate se questa è una donna,
senza capelli e senza nome
senza più forza di ricordare
vuoti gli occhi e freddo il grembo
come una rana d'inverno.

Meditate che questo è stato:
vi comando queste parole.
Scolpitele nel vostro cuore
stando in casa e andando per via,
coricandovi alzandovi;
ripetetele ai vostri figli
O vi si sfaccia la casa,
la malattia vi impedisca,
i vostri nati torcano il viso da voi.

Eighteen

Citation: Georgiana Wilson-Powell.  365 Ways to Save the Planet. London: Penguin Random House DK, 2023. 193 pp. ISBN: 978-0744077513

A word, if you please

Nothing against the elderly (and remember, I voted for Bernie), but don't you think it's time for the higher septuagenarians and octogenarians {and wasn't Nancy Pelosi something like 90?) to freakin' step aside and infuse some new blood into the political arena? Even Obama was a Boomer. By the time someone from Gen X becomes president, we'll probably be in our 70s and 80s, too.  But seriously, Trump's status as a felon aside...neither of these men is really qualified, in my opinion, to make decisions that include things like the nuclear codes.  I really worry about their cognition.  And I know folks say that Biden at least cares about people and he's the lesser of two evils, but that's no reason to elect him any more than Trump.  As one of my buttons from the 80s says, 'If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates'. I hate feeling like I have to vote for someone I don't care for just because I hate the other candidate. And to tell the truth, the main reason I voted for Biden the first time was I figured he'd die in office and Kamala Harris would take over, which is no reason to vote, either. And I'm not thrilled with her performance, what little I've seen of it. Sigh. Just give us a capable candidate we can believe in, please, before the world burns.

Let's hope the USA does as well

As Europe turns right, UK voters reject Conservative populism

Another reason to like Ed Sheeran

He's funding music education and studios in high schools, which should be provided by the government, but sadly there were a lot cuts all over England (perhaps that will change under Labour).

Ed Sheeran reveals surprise career change as he takes a break from making music

Grrrr...

I'm in a foul mood having, once again, dealt with Kroger at Tates Creek. I'm tired of it. No more. Not until they get their act together, if ever, and I'm seriously considering getting my groceries and gas from Meijer's anyway.

A few days ago I called, after going to a Kroger that didn't have the challah we get for Sabbath, and asked the other store if they had any. I'd wanted to save a trip during rush hour from one to the other. I was told, after a very long delay in answering the phone, by either someone in the bakery or at customer service basically that the didn't have any bread at all and she couldn't look for anything for you' conversation which I reported to Kroger corporate, but of course it's come to naught as I couldn't get her name.

I went the other day to get a few things for our department potluck. Because it was before work, only U-Scan was open. I got to the end of my order, and went to pay and it was like 'help is on its way'. The lady (whom I suspect was actually the one who answered the phone the other day, as the voice was similar) had to scan her badge to go on.

Same thing today. I had four items, two orders. It stopped for each and the same woman had to scan her badge each time. I said something about how that was a little much and she said they're starting to crack down on theft. Here's an idea, have some lanes open for people with small orders. You have them. If an actual employee, who is being paid, scans it, I think we're good. I didn't say it, of course, I really didn't want to be rude, but it irritated me.

When I got to my car, I checked the receipts, and I have 465 June fuel points. You know, the ones that expire at the end of the next month, so in this case July 31st. I have gotten gas two times recently (at Tates Creek's fuel station) and was specifically told that I only had 3 cents off a gallon when I had enough for 40 cents. I will make sure I get my receipt from now on. That was on top of needing to wait 15 minutes to have them reset all the pumps because I wasn't sure I would get to the nearest Kroger gas station, since it was out of my way and I was pretty low on gas, and I thought I should have points by then (I hadn't paid yet...I don't use the pumps because sometimes it holds money).

I know, this is small compared with what other people deal with, but it's called customer service and they're failing immensely. It's bad enough they're making profits by jacking up prices way higher than they should be after the pandaemic [pretty much everywhere]. Or that they never have more than one or two lanes and the U-Scan open anytime I go (and I'm not working today, so I thought it might be a little better), and that's at Kroger, Meijer, Wal-Mart, etc., anywhere you go these days. Even CVS has a U-Scan now. But they all also put up barriers supposedly preventing theft or check receipts.

The only reason I've gone to Tates Creek lately is the only other Kroger near me is on Chinoe, a smaller store I prefer. To get to it now with the city's sewer work, I have to go to Centre Parkway the opposite way, Pimlico Parkway, Yellowstone, Alumni, Lakeside, Coltneck, Chinoe. Or go Armstrong Mill, Tates Creek, Albany, Montevista, Chinoe (overshooting it and having to go back up Chinoe towards the opposite way I'd been going). We've been doing this for months. It also affects how I go to work.

Sigh. I don't think I'm going anywhere else today. I have medication at UK, and I wanted to get a haircut, but those are going to wait till tomorrow. I'm irritated and there's no sense in making it worse trying to park in the hospital garage or anything.

I feel better now that I ranted. I even made it through without any of the profanity bouncing around in my head.

I have been doing customer service work for nearly forty years. This is not how you run a business. So, what's your favourite grocery or gas station?

Since I'm off work and have time...

From Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, Book II, number IV:

Why should any of these things that happen externally, so much distract thee? Give thyself leisure to learn some good thing, and cease roving and wandering to and fro. Thou must also take heed of another kind of wandering, for they are idle in their actions, who toll and labour in this ife, and have no certain scope to which to direct all their motions and desires.

Sometimes we get caught up way to much in making it through life without actually living, including improving our own lives and our minds. I'm certainly guilty of that. I often find myself too tired to do anything that enriches my soul, even reading or hobbies. I think it's important to spend time with yourself, cogitating, or simply being, but I need to make more of an effort to do so, even if I have to set aside time in my schedule to do so. I think many of us are in the same boat, don't you? It's so hard to stand still in modern society. Too much information, too little time, and we are looked down as idle if we sit and think or otherwise enrich ourselves with study or art. It's very sad.

I know all this, but it's so hard to do it. It's definitely something I've been giving some thought to lately. And in an effort to keep afloat, I recently put in for a part-time job, which will really help me, but take away even more time. I really need to rethink how I spend time entirely, and reduce the distractions that keep me from really living.

Yay!

I am pleased to announce that a couple of days ago we got the air conditioning re-wired and working again. The company that came out, Southern Comfort, did so without charging a diagnosis fee (we knew the problem--a puppy chewed through the wiring, fortunately before the AC was turned on, and not the major grey one that's live all the time). It was only $250 to fix. It's so nice to have it again. I will unhook mine from the window, drain the water, and let it dry out for now, probably put it in storage for next time. I think the AC has gone out three times in the seven years I've lived here, as it's pretty old, and we do not begin to have the money to replace the system. As long as it works, we'll be happy, though. :) In the meantime, if you are in the Lexington area and need help with your AC, I highly recommend this company.

Today

A few weeks ago, training a new co-worker:
Here is the way to see our department schedule. Oh, the Fourth of July is on a Thursday. Friday would have been a good day to take off.

Looks again. Oh, I am off the 5th; I just didn't remember putting in for it.

You've got to love my (lack of) memory sometimes. But at least I remembered not to go to work today. 🙂

I actually slept in till 7:30 (my alarm was set for 8, but it's hard to wake up before or after 7:30), although yesterday I was so tired, I slept on and off till nearly 3 PM. I made coffee, woke up my roommate, got dressed, put on a new glucose sensor, and now I'm sitting in near-darkness, because it's so cloudy, fighting the urge to go back to sleep. After all, it's so dark, and I'm also getting ready to figure out exactly what I want to do today--I know it involves getting a haircut. But I like to-do lists to give a little structure. Caffeinating is first on the list. 🙂

Our very way of life is being threatened

On this Independence Day, take a moment or two to educate yourself on this. It is an attempt to steal the country from the majority, subverting our democracy and everything the United States of America has stood for, that my father and three of my grandparents who served in the military defended. It sickens me. I have worried for a long time that we are heading to a terrible time where our country (and others) are basically run by fascists and capitalists. It's a horrible combination that we cannot allow to happen. Don't be silent. And vote like your future depends on it--because it does.

From the Wikipedia article on Project 2025:

Heritage Foundation president Kevin Roberts said in July 2024 that "we are in the process of the second American Revolution, which will remain bloodless if the left allows it to be." Paul Dans, the project's director, said in April 2023 that Project 2025 is "systematically preparing to march into office and bring a new army, [of] aligned, trained, and essentially weaponized conservatives ready to do battle against the deep state.

This is what is coming if we remain silent. Remember the excellent quote from Pastor Martin Niemöller in his poem 'First They Came':

First they came for the Communists And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me

How my anxiety actually works, as demonstrated in the last 10 hours:

Last night:

1. There was a skunk in the yard, I can smell it.
2. There was recently a rabid skunk locally. 
3. I just set up a portable air conditioner [our AC has been out for some time, and it's so hot, in the 100s as far as heat index, and we are all suffering]. There is no screen over the exhaust tube. It just came with a cap in case you weren't using it for awhile
4. Oh, Gods, what if a rabid skunk climbs into the tube to the air conditioner?
5. What if it gnaws through the tube and gets into the house?
6. What if it bites me or my roommate or the animals?
7. Okay, Lisa, you're just being anxious. Calm down.

This morning:

1. Realises that there's no way it can happen.
2. Tells roommate in jocular way about it all and how silly it was, because after all, it operates with the WINDOW screen in front of it.
3. Roommate shakes head.
4. Goes back to room. Gives the air conditioning vent a long, hard look. 
5. Realises that while installing the vent and assembly, I forgot to put down the screen. Does so, forgetting I taped the window to the assembly. 🙂
6. All is right with the world.
7. Realises a skunk really could have climbed in and gnawed through the tubing. 
8. Go back to the beginning and repeat.

Goodness. Anxiety sucks. But that screen is down. Thank you, rabid skunk..

It has been so freaking busy lately

*Warning, long, somewhat whining post, even though I have so much to be grateful for, and others are going through so much more than I*

Up briefly in the night. I'd struggled after a long day of work with way too much stimulation with fraying just a bit but not actually breaking down, had to go to two stores to get challah, came home and crashed for two hours, came out to make and eat a sandwhich, and went back to sleep shortly thereafter. Essentially I was utterly exhausted; my roommate virtually sent me to bed when I got home at 7 PM (I'd started my day working at about 7 AM, scheduled till 5 PM). He even did a couple of my chores. It's 4 AM now and I finally feel human again. Although we were very busy and the flow of the front desk, which I was covering all day while training a new person, is different, I don't think today was what did it, but a combination of weeks of too much stimulation with lights and crying children and happy ones, and other noise and all the stress of being 'on' all the time., plus a lot of personal life stress. Plus we're in fracture season, the numbers are up, and it's difficult to fit people into the schedules [although thank goodness I can overbook on the computer now, rather than having to call others to do it]; I feel like I'm constantly juggling and I'm just trying not to drop any balls. And today things just were not so much chaotic as crazy, with weird stuff that happens but are involved all while other people are coming in. I was scheduled for a 10-hour day and had had one on Monday as well. I used to do that all the time when I was working two jobs, but it's somehow not the same. I finally ate lunch at 3:30. My legs are killing me from sitting even more than I do at my desk. I think I had taken two bathroom breaks and got up a total of five times during the time I was out there. I just felt a little tied to the desk. Don't get me wrong, I love my job in many ways. I am also very grateful to have it, as I have been laid off once and partially so (hours cut back or position eliminated twice) over 27 years and they've always done their best to keep me on, bring me back, or move me to another job. I love where I work, and the health insurance is outstanding, which I need badly. But I was much more suited to being a librarian and I know it. Even the insurance job, while stressful and a lot rode on it, was quieter and less stimulating.

I'm sure I'll feel better about it once I've had the weekend to decompress and recharge. I feel better already now that I've gotten some rest. It's not like I'm the only one who has days like this, and a lot of people have much more stressful jobs that they have to take home with them or have to make decisions with a lot riding on them. I don't. But I just recently began to understand a little more of why days like today nearly make me shut down, and while that's great to know, it's also very frustrating, because it takes so much effort to do things when it shouldn't, but I just have to try to deal with how I'm wired. And I have always been able to hold work, and do a good job, and a lot of people with similar issues struggle a lot more than I do. And while I came close to breaking down today, I did for the most part manage to keep it together, so that's a plus. I don't normally feel this way every day.after all. But today surprised me. It wasn't one of our super-busy days. In some ways, the job I was doing was easier than the one I usually do. I don't know why today was just so much in terms of feeling overwhelmed, but tomorrow, as Scarlett O'Hara would say, is another day. And I'm back at my desk and it'll be a busy Friday but slower than the rest of the week. It'll be okay, although I have to get up early again due to physical therapy. For now though, I should just go back to bed for a bit and let my dreams hopefully wash away the day and allow me to get some rest. Thank you for listening.

*whine off*

Lately

So horrible

'Massive traffic homicide investigation': 8 dead, dozens hospitalized in Ocala bus crash

My condolences to their loved ones. And no, to answer the question, their legal status means nothing. They have families. They were on their way to work, like any of us. They should never have had such a tragedy happen.

This made me cry. But they're right, so right.

Haven't done this in awhile

From Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, Book II, number III.

Do soul, do; abuse and contemn thyself; yet a while and the time for thee to respect thyself will be at an end. Every man's happiness depends from himself, but behold thy life is almost at an end while affording thyself no respect, thou dost make thy happiness to consist in the souls, and conceits, of others.

In other words, you grant the power to external validation, not to the internal, which is most important. Your opinion of yourself, your self-esteem, is more important than the thoughts and opinions of others. I have such a hard time with this. Recently I had a review where someone who barely knew me made some terribly incorrect assumptions about my motivation and ability to do my work, which was very disheartening, and it made me feel very bad about myself. Or, rather, it was the trigger, but I made myself feel bad. I felt useless like I'd wasted 27 years of investment in my workplace for nothing.

But we have power over that and only that. No one has the right to really expect their opinion to make or shape you, and more importantly, you should never give control of your life over to someone else, because no one can truly know you as you know yourself, at least if you've tried to gain some insight into your life. Right?

I got a lot done this weekend

 

My favourite MadTV sketch

I really don't like SUVs, unless you have a Land Rover on safari.

A strange heirloom

My stepmother recently sent me something from my great-grandparents' farm that my dad had and I love it. It was always in their living room. It has been put in a place of honour on my bookcase headboard on my bed. 🙂 Behold, the Duncan family ceramic frog!

This child could have been me

Although I do have evidence I could hula hoop at some point. At one point someone I knew who is a graphic designer made it a Yule card cover:

A decent day

Today I was off work. I had a great PT appointment, took friend to the doctor, and went to the dentist who fixed a broken tooth in addition to the teeth cleaning. She figured out why it was breaking (another tooth was too high and was going up against it when I ate). She took that one down and they essentially did a filling with the correct colour on my front tooth which has now chipped in the same place four times. So I have a smile again.😃Plus it was nice to get away from work, with its week of Mondays, or so it has seemed, for a day.

This is so me

So this morning my physical therapist [who is 6'4"] and I were talking about height differences in setting up the table I'm using [I've apparently lost a bit of height, as last time I was measured, by my orthopaedist, I was 5'3", so it's a significant difference), as well as my difficulty feeling the movements of my lower shoulder blades when trying to do my exercises. This led to a discussion of my short arms and he mentioned Tyrannosaurus arms [which a friend also teases me about]. He asked me if I'd ever seen 'Meet the Robinsons' (which I haven't) and showed me this clip, which I found hilarious, although I should probably be a bit offended. I love the dinosaur waving around his tiny arms.

Love this...

A bluesey-Bluegrass version of the classic

My therapist, who is a musician, shared this with me.

My view on things

Hmmm....okay, I'm finally weighing in on this. Although I am not Jewish, I did minor in Judaic Studies, took classes on the Arab-Israeli conflict, get news from a variety of sources, am trained to evaluate them, and at least tangentially know people impacted by the attacks on October 7th and beyond. Don't get me wrong, I'm very much for peace in this conflict. But this, along with a lot of videos showing protesters who don't actually know what their goals are and can't explain them when pressed, make me wonder what this is really all about Also, I'm sorry, saying the university should feed the protesters as one story reported? I'm pretty sure the anti-Vietnam protesters brought their own snacks. My point is that it is not wrong to protest injustice-peacefully-it should be protested, but know what you're protesting and don't be entitled gets parroting someone else's agenda, or destroying property, trespassing, or making threats against other people. Yes, the political situation is horrible. No, there should not be a sort of apartheid in Israel. The response to the terror attacks should have targeted Hamas as much as possible, not civilians. But I don't understand women's groups who support terrorists who use rape as a weapon in a society that would oppress them, or gays marching when they are considered abominations in that culture. The protesters (on both sides) are often ill-informed, they're believing a lot of disinformation, they're not thinking critically, and some of them are downright bigoted. Which is sad, particularly the 'best and brightest' at Ivy League and other prominent schools, which have failed them in their education. That's my opinion, anyway.

NYC says half of those arrested at 2 pro-Palestinian campus protests were not students

A bit vulgar, but essentially true

:(

A mix-up over bioengineered tomato seeds sparked fears about spread of GMO crops

This has got to stop--we're killing ourselves for convenience

Survey finds that 60 firms are responsible for half of world’s plastic pollution

And I'm just as guilty of creating demand as others...I've got to stop buying plastics.

Sanity

Maryland's 'Freedom to Read' act bans book censorship in libraries, bolsters rights amid national debate

Yay!

NASA hears from Voyager 1, the most distant spacecraft from Earth, after months of quiet

I've actually joined a book club at work

 Amazingly enough, in all my years of reading and being a librarian, I have never been in a book club. It's with co-workers from the hospital. Our first book is Nicholas Sparks' The Wish. I've never read any of his books or seen the movies. Any opinions on his writing?

Beautiful and informative and # 17

Of the 50 species this new book from the University of Kentucky Press, I have only seen two: whooping cranes and red-headed woodpeckers. At the rate things are going, I may never see any of the others that are in Kentucky at least part of the year. Since 1970, 3 billion birds have been lost in the US and Canada. The author writes that that means nearly 30% of the birds that used to live in the two countries have disappeared. 😥 Many of these are very colourful. The bill was very intesting. I just hope it doesn't become a historical catalogue. The bird on the cover is a painted bunting. I've heard of them, at least, but many of the others were new to me, so I learned a lot from it.

Citation: Williams, Matt. Endangered and Disappearing Birds of Appalachia and the Southeast. Lexington: University of Kentucky Press, 2024. 248 pp.

Oh, and that's book 17 for 2024!

Sometimes I wonder why people do the things they do...

Four things made me sad when I went to the Chinoe Kroger for cat treats. In order of sadness, they are:

1. One man was sitting in a BMW cocked across a handicapped spot without any placard. Now granted, the car was standing, not parked, so it was ambiguous as to whether he should be there, but still...
2. A giant truck was stretched halfway into a handicapped spot and halfway over the line into a regular spot. It was parked that way. If it had a placard, it may have been on the driver-side dash rather than the rearview mirror, which is fine per the law, I just couldn't see. But regardless of that, folks, if you can't park your humongous truck correctly, don't buy one. Or at least park at the edge of the lot.
3. When I came out, there was a small cart straddling the other handicapped space next to mine and also a regular space, so no one could park. At first I got in the car and turned it on. Then I turned it off, got out of the car, and walked the 10 steps to the cart corral. Now, it's possible the person who used the handicapped spot did it, and couldn't make it to the corral, but if that's the case, put it next to the sign. And no one walking by had bothered to take it to the corral or into the store. My faith in humanity is waning.
4. Saddest of all (but before that last bit), the lady ahead of me in the fast lane and I chatted about cats because she'd seen my treats. Her order came to $74.01. She gave the cashier a hundred-dollar bill and a penny. He hit the button without putting that in. And then he fumbled for a minute or two, finally pulling out some random change. She tried to explain that he'd given her the wrong change (although she didn't say it was $26 even), and he just directed her to the customer service desk. It is the main aspect of his job, but he couldn't make change--not because he was stupid, I think, but because he'd never been taught to, and that's just sad. I've cashiered many times. It just boggles my mind that many today honestly can't do it if they don't type in the right amount and let the register tell them how much to give the customer. He didn't really seem embarrassed, just inconvenienced. He was probably about 24 or 25 years old. We have done such a disservice to students in the last couple of decades. Don't even get me started on cursive.

My journey so far...

In November 2021 I was at my highest weight in my life with a BMI of 58.1 kg/m², had just gone into a 4x in women's clothing, and was miserable. My liver specialist had just added another diuretic because despite being on Lasix, my feet and ankles swelled horribly. I lost 20 lbs. of water weight that month. You heard me. 20 lbs just from fluid retention.

In December I got with a weight management doctor at the University of Kentucky. She put me on Ozempic at that time, which helped with my appetite, and while I was somewhat sketchy about when I ate well and didn't, and my weight fluctuated, overall I went down, sitting at the 60 lbs. total loss mark for awhile, going up and down 10 lbs. Last October I had to go off the Ozempic (which I'm actually on because of my diabetes--the weight-loss version is Wegovy), which was impossible to find. I tried _ten_ pharmacies. I was off for a month. My blood sugar soared. She then put me on Mounjaro, a different drug in the same class for diabetes (the weight-loss version is called Kepbound). What I found was that for me, the Mounjaro has been more effective with appetite with fewer side effects. I went down to 60 lbs lighter total.

Anyway, due to being off the meds and the holidays, I wound up soaring back up to the 40-lb loss mark in January. I managed to lose 10 lbs before my surgery in late February. Since then, I am officially 70 lbs lighter than my original high weight, according to the records at my doctor's office last week. That's mainly because I've been eating much better, I was home with my roommate's cooking, and have reduced my use of the vending machines at work, which is a real struggle because I stress eat at work.

So why is this all important? I desperately meed a knee replacement. Not only are imy knee joints bone on bone, my left patella is even shifted completely out of alignment. But understandably, my knee specialist [lthe same orthopaedist who did my rotator cuff surgery] is concerned about my weight. He won't do a surgery if the BMI is above 45, and prefers it to be under 40. My current BMI is 44.15 kg/m²--greatly reduced from what it was, but in the danger zone still.

However, when I did the calculations the other day, I am about 27 lbs from reaching a BMI of 39.9. We think that's doable. So we're starting to talk about doing the surgeries and I got a pamphlet on what to expect from them at my request. I am excited about the possibilty of reduced pain and greater mobility. Also, if I can do that, I will have officially lost over 100 lbs and have a total BMI reduction of 18.2 kg/m². It obviously won't happen tomorrow, but that gives me some time to prepare for the surgeries.

It was never about looking good, it is about health, and for that matter losing weight actually ages your face and makes you saggier, but I really want to do these surgeries and be more mobile. I'm only 57, too young to be as decrepit as I am. I've had trouble with my knees since high school. It's time to help them. Oh, and here are the obligatory photos. The first one is from September 2021. The other one is from yesterday. PS Shoutout to Dr. Stephanie Rose [women's health/weight management] of UK and Dr. Janak Talwalkar [orthopaedic surgeon] of Baptist. They've both helped me tremendously.

PS Both of those shirts are 3X, and the pants on the second picture are 3X. 70 lbs and I'm still in that size for the most part. Women's clothes are weird. But I was going into 4X and I think I'll be able to transition to 2X soon...I have one pair of pants already. And of course the shirt is mainly due to my bosom. :)  

[Update: I gave blood today and got a shirt for donating. They didn't have any in size 3X, so I took a 2X because I figured I might be able to wear it in the future. When I got home, I tried it on. I won't say that the line is perfect in terms of the cloth's drape, but I can wear it, and it's comfortable, even if it shows my belly roll a bit. I'm a little proud of myself. I could be doing better in my eating, but I'm apparently doing some things well.]