Since I'm off work and have time...

From Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, Book II, number IV:

Why should any of these things that happen externally, so much distract thee? Give thyself leisure to learn some good thing, and cease roving and wandering to and fro. Thou must also take heed of another kind of wandering, for they are idle in their actions, who toll and labour in this ife, and have no certain scope to which to direct all their motions and desires.

Sometimes we get caught up way to much in making it through life without actually living, including improving our own lives and our minds. I'm certainly guilty of that. I often find myself too tired to do anything that enriches my soul, even reading or hobbies. I think it's important to spend time with yourself, cogitating, or simply being, but I need to make more of an effort to do so, even if I have to set aside time in my schedule to do so. I think many of us are in the same boat, don't you? It's so hard to stand still in modern society. Too much information, too little time, and we are looked down as idle if we sit and think or otherwise enrich ourselves with study or art. It's very sad.

I know all this, but it's so hard to do it. It's definitely something I've been giving some thought to lately. And in an effort to keep afloat, I recently put in for a part-time job, which will really help me, but take away even more time. I really need to rethink how I spend time entirely, and reduce the distractions that keep me from really living.

I've gotten a lot of rest this afternoon

I got home from my friends' house about four-something and took a nap, and have been up and down since then just sort of chilling out.  I should have done some things around the house, like take down the tree, and I'll try to do that in the next couple of days, but it was nice just to spend some time thinking and relaxing for awhile.

My counselor says that introverts process things internally, meaning by thinking, whereas extroverts process externally, mainly through talking things out.  I'm definitely an introvert, so it's nice to sort of decompress and think about how things are going in my life, and what I want to do with it next.

I still haven't heard more about the position I had the phone interview for, but I haven't given up hope on that.  It's a university position and those soemtimes take awhile to go through the various steps.  I do hope I hear from them soon.  Obviously, I'd really like to get an in-person interview, but however it works out, I'm happy for the opportunity.

I paid my rent yesterday, the second time in two paydays in a row, and so the next couple of weeks are going to be very tough financially.  I need to make some calls and arrangements tomorrow sometime.  I still don't have Internet at home, which means I have no working home phone (it is Vonage, and so it works over the Internet).  I need to call and cancel that or at least put off the next month or so until I can get it working again  I also need to see about delaying my cell phone payment, which I hate to do, but I simply have about $15 to last me almost two weeks, and there isn't money for anything beyond gas and maybe a little food. I bought flour today so I can make my own bread. I have a little peanut butter and jam in the house, some oatmeal, tuna, that sort of thing, but it's not going to last.  I should get a reimbursement of banking fees on the 17th for $10, and of course, somewhere that reimburseemnt for the trip in Novemmber is in process, which at least could get me some groceries.

I was doing so well for awhile there, several years, in fact, but I've just gotten myself in a difficult position what with having to finance dental work and not having money from the settlement any more.  A lot of that is my fault--I let a former friend, or someone I thought was a friend, borrow quite a bit of money because he was basically in dire straits and had a family to worry about, and he not only didn't pay me back, he blamed me if I even brought it up and treated me like crap. So obvioulsy, he is an ex-friend, a user who really took advantage of me when I was hit by the car and was recovering from it, and then had some money for the first time in, well, ever, really.  Now he's probably much more stable, as he has disability now and his wife has a better job and degree, but I'll no doubt never see that money ever again.  Word of wisdom: if a person's family won't help them from getting evicted or to get back in state after getting stranded hundreds of miles away, there's probably a reason, and it is more likely that they've used up all their goodwill in the past rather than the fact that they're inexplicably mean and grinchy.  Oh, well, Brandon will eventually reap the rewards of his actions. I know karma doesn't really work like most Americans talk about it doing, but I do believe ther will be justice for people who go from person to person using them up like a parasite.  I just didn't want to see his family out on the street, especially during the holidays, and also felt that the only reason he would like me was if I helped him out.  That may have been true in his case, but you can't really buy love and friendship.  My true friends have demonstrated that to me on a daily basis.  Any way, I'm going to chock this up to a very expensive learning experience, and while I do believe in paying things forward, one should only do that if you can afford it and it it's for a good cause, not for emotional rasons.

Well, it's almost 11 pm.  I've taking my nightly meds, brushed and flossed my teeth, put all my daily accomplishments into the Habitica application (I'm almost level 15), and I think it's time to go to bed I'm going to try to get up early, maybe do some exercising tomorrow morning befor work.  It's cold outside (finally), we even had some snow today, so it's nice that the apartment complex has a gym now.  I really haven't used it yet this year, and I should.  Good night!

Also not so surprising

Thinking can undermine religious faith, study finds: Those who think more analytically are less inclined to be religious believers than are those who tend to follow a gut instinct, researchers conclude

Scientists have revealed one of the reasons why some folks are less religious than others: They think more analytically, rather than going with their gut. And thinking analytically can cause religious belief to wane — for skeptics and true believers alike.

The study, published in Friday's edition of the journal Science, indicates that belief may be a more malleable feature of the human psyche than those of strong faith may think.

I was reading Thoreau last night

I haven't gotten very far in Walden, just as far as him finishing the building of his house. But among the various passages that struck me was this:

I had three pieces of limestone on my desk, but I was terrified to find that they required to be dusted daily, when the furniture of my mind was all undusted still, and threw them out the window in disgust. How, then, could I have a furnished house? I would rather sit in the open air, for no dust gathers on the grass, unless where man has broken ground.

That passage says volumes about our need for useless things around us while our minds lie empty and dusty. I suspect it was these words and similar ones that caused a friend to give me the book. I tend to surround myself with things (not expensive things, but things most people would not find sentimentality in, that I invest emotion into and hoard), but I have a largely untrained mind. Oh, I went to college, had a classical education in the humanities, etc. But so much of my day is spent reacting to the things around me rather than in quiet contemplation. Like my house, my mind is organised in piles and shelves that lean, and compared to my friend, is most likely quite dim. I'm probably more self-aware than most, and maybe even think a little more than most, but I realise I could be more. And my memory, alas, my memory. It's like everything I knew--those useless facts, those overarching paradigms, are running like sand through an hourglass away from my thoughts. Maybe that's age, or the blood sugar's effect on my brain, etc. I don't know. I seem to be able to remember numbers best, but have no reason to.

Years ago I fell into a trap whereby I compared myself to someone who is extremely intelligent, beyond the chart, has an excellent memory, as well as a trained mind. I feel quite stupid in comparison, and that, coupled with the attempt to disabuse me of my need to feel special by latching onto the genius label I was given as a child, meant that after awhile I started feeling like I was, well, dumb.

Socrates said (or at least Plato told us so) that he was wise, as the Oracle of Delphi had pronounced, only because he recognised his own ignorance. He also said, 'The unexamined life is not worth living.' It is a mantra that has been repeated to me so often over the years by my mentor, who is also the one who gave me Walden and Other Writings by Henry David Thoreau.

It may have taken years for things to really settle in, years of examining my life and the world around me with training wheels and a steadying hand, but it's high time I started really thinking and analysing on my own. I've been very fortunate to have two very special educations, and it's time I started really exercising both mind and body. Now that I'm older, I'm a little wiser and more mature, and can appreciate all this better than when I was younger. So much of my time when I was younger was spent surmounting my baggage and my irrationality, my mental issues and psychology. Now I can concentrate on how I think about and interact with the world. And I need to do some housecleaning in my head first, dusting off and pitching a few things. :)

Came across this on Facebook

Okay, the MJ bit is a little creepy. I'm not a fan of his. But I do generally agree with the ideas in this video.



I've had a mentor trying to instill the need to think for myself and stop being a sheep for 20 years. Sometimes it seems harder to than others. We're taught so early to conform, to judge others, to divide ourselves into 'us' and 'them'. But he's absolutely right. And the key to changing how you think, or more importantly, thinking in itself, is to do it. It's like exercise. You can plan to do it. You can think about doing it. But unless you start doing it, it doesn't do you a bit of good. Maybe I'll finally get the hang of it sometime before I die. :)

Thanks to Jody for the link to the Facebook page We Only Have One Race ~ the Human Race, which featured the video.

Ending on a lighter note, quizzes...

You Are 36% Politically Radical

You've got a few unusual political ideas, but overall you're a pretty mainstream person. Chances are that you're turned off by both the radical right and looney left.

Are You a Political Radical?

You Are a Liberal Lady

Like Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore, you don't shy away from your liberal causes. You may consider yourself a feminist, and you definitely trust your heart to tell you what's right. You are likely to have a million issues you care about - and not nearly enough time to devote to them all.

Are You a Liberal Lady or a Conservative Chick?

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Exploring

You thrive on the unknown and unpredictable. Novelty is your middle name. You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs. An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles. You show people how to question their models of the world.

What's Your Thinking Style?

You Are 32% Weirdo

You're a little weird, but you'd be even weirder if you didn't have a few quirks. You are just strange enough to know it, but nobody else seems to notice your weirdness. That's because, deep down, everyone is a little freaky!

Are You A Weirdo?

Your Hidden Talent

You are both very knowledgeable and creative. You tend to be full of new ideas and potential - big potential. Ideas like yours could change the world, if you build them. As long as you don't stop working on your dreams, you'll get there.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Good night.

Too late and tired to blog tonight, so you get a quick quiz

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Visioning

You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

What's Your Thinking Style?