Unshelved by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
comic strip overdue media

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Go me!

Oh, how appropriate...

listening to: 'Unwell' by Matchbox Twenty
feeling: Refreshed

I've been paid and I've paid back the loan that kept me from being evicted, the court costs involved, and now I'm turning to the other bills. I even got my reimbursement cheque, finally. :) Between that and having three days off (and with a conference going on at work, it'll be slow during the part I am working), I'm doing a lot better. My stomach was still having some issues today, but not nearly as bad at it had been.

I just switched my utilities bills over to e-billing, meaning that instead of getting mail that I invariably wind up losing, it'll come to my e-mail box. That probably doesn't seem spectacular, but I have no trouble staying organised as long as it's on a computer; paper becomes clutter. Since I have a tendency to lose bills, I tend to pay them late, and that builds up a problem. One of the quirks of my particular form of obsessive-compulsive disorder is that I have trouble dealing with all the steps to send off a bill. It's a reminder that I have to deal with the world outside, and I tend to sort of build up this sort of nest of clutter to keep the world out, which means I then lose the physical bill or my chequebook or don't have the stamps--that sort of thing. I know it sounds stupid, but it's an anxiety thing; there's a reason I'm on Paxil, and it's helped immensely. I've gone from living in piles of stuff with little pathways wending their way around to some semblance of normalcy--a real home and not a hoard. What surprises people is that all the years this plagued me, I did okay at work. But at work, it's not really an issue, because I just make a requisition, and I do most of those using e-mailed forms, too, so it's just one step. Junk mail goes immediately into a shred box or a trash can that other people then come and empty, and most of my files are kept on the computer (and backed up regularly). Also, I'm not watching my own limited funds dwindle--as the balance at home goes down, I get more fearful, afraid that I won't have enough to live on, and then in the process I wind up with late fees and things that make it all worse. I'm careful with my work budget, but I'm not emotionally vested in it. Does that make sense? Probably not. I know it's irrational. That's the trouble with anxiety disorders--they are completely irrational, quirky brain chemistry starts and fits that mess with your life, although they're at least not the true craziness of psychosis, where you lose touch with reality itself. But irrational though it may be, I'm starting to understand that this is exactly what I'm doing. My anxiety causes me to obsess on failure, so I don't take action, which of course ensures the failure. And it causes me to compulsively build up obstacles. I'm tired of living my life like that, and the fact that things are even tighter now means I can't afford to do it at all. Fortunately the therapy, both aimed at my brain chemistry and my coping skills, have literally meant the difference between night and day for me. I have hope for the first time in a long while that I can handle life's curve balls head on.

I also set it up so I can pay all of bills online, since that option's available now. So...I won't have any excuses to procrastinate. That basically means that I can pay everything but my rent online. Yay. Now if I could just get all my income into direct deposit. :)

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